Posts Tagged ‘Retro Review’

Internet! Welcome, to a retro episode of Thoughts We Might Have Had, wherein we look back at the things we used to love, and realize they were WAY creepier then we thought.

But first: some housekeeping. We’re gonna switch back to a Tuesday, Friday release schedule for posts. This was actually the original format for the site that we switched away from for… some reasons that I’m not entirely sure of now. But anyway, on with the show… or post. Or something.

Micah Retro Reviews: The Jungle Book (1967)

Thejunglebook_movieposter

Yes. Ballou is a different color in the original poster. Ya racist.

 

The Plot: So… once upon a Jungle Bagheera (a black panther) finds a young boy in a basket. Or is that Moses? Too many boys, not enough baskets. Anyway, Mowgli or Moses or Oliver Twist or whoever the heck was in the basket is taken by Bagheera to a wolf who has just had some baby wolves (pups if you want to be technical) and the new mother wolf adopts the baby Basket human because ummm… Lunch?? Free lunch I guess? Basically Mowgli is the wolf version of a luncheable. Easy to carry around, not your first choice for a meal but a viable back up if you don’t have time for anything else.

Anyway, ten years later Mowgli is somehow still alive, but then the wolves learn that Shere Khan a Tiger who eats people (because of course he does) and the wolves decide to send Mowgli back to the man village where maybe he can find some freekin’ pants for goodness sakes. But Mowgli runs away from Bagheera and goes wandering around the Jungle looking for some semblance of the book this movie is based on. As he stumbles blindly through the jungle in his bare feet, hoping against hope to find some creature below him on the food chain, Mowgli meets a bear named Ballou who he implicitly trusts and some Elephants who are very sadly stricken with Alzheimers. It’s real depressing.

The Jungle Book (1967)

But the cast party after the movie was great.

 

Then he meets a snake who somehow has gained the ability to hypnotize people. No idea how that happened, blood sacrifice, some sort of residual snake/devil contract. Along with the fact that Mowgli for some reason knows he should wear a loincloth but not pants this particular plotline is left unexplored. Finally, he meets a giant monkey who wants Mowgli to show him “man’s red fire” which just makes no sense. I mean what does the giant monkey think he’s going to do with fire?? Why didn’t he ask Mowgli to show him “Man’s red pants” or “Man’s red indoor plumbing.”

Once all that mess is over with we remember that whole “Shere Khan” thing is a plot point and wouldn’t you know it, Mowgli’s vague and un thought out plan to do… something… fails miserably and Ballou and Bagheera almost die before lightning strikes a tree and Mowgli lights the entire jungle on fire putting hundreds and thousands of forest animals in mortal peril and destroying their homes. But the one kid and his lack of pants is okay so… yay?

khan!!

Shere Khan is SOOOOO not amused.

 

And after all that, Mowgli sees one girl balancing a pot on her head and decides to leave all his friends who risked their lives for him in the interest of flirting. And so, Mowgli leaves the forest for a woman, having endangered the lives of his friends (who he abandoned) and burned down huge swaths of his jungle home in a desperate attempt to not do, the thing he does voluntarily in the end.

The end.

In Conclusion:

So there you go guys, a 1967 movie release now being remade with a billion dollar effects budget, and a zero dollar pants budget. Jungle Book 1967 is by no means a perfect movie, but it is a movie with some great songs (the Bear Necessities especially) and everyone’s favorite indecisive gang of buzzards.

ballou disguise

So Mowgli doesn’t know to where pants, but Ballou knows to where a grass skirt in his weird, cross-species seduction?

 

Thanks for reading fair friends, and I shall see thee upon Tuesday next.

So, several weeks ago, someone said to me “Hey Micah, the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate but I’m just gonna shake shake shake shake shake it off. Shake it off.” And once Taylor Swift was done someone else said to me “Hey Micah, you should do a retro-review of Willy Wonka!! But don’t do that thing you usually do wear you don’t watch the movie or do any research cause that would be lame and less engaging.”

Well friend, here I am to fulfill at least the first half of your request!!

Micah Retro Reviews: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

And none o’ that Tim Burton mess either. No no no.  The original, extra crispy, side of fries, psycho killer version, thank you very much.

This poster accurately sums up the movie only because when I look at it I feel confused and vaguely disturbed.

This poster accurately sums up the movie only because when I look at it I feel confused and vaguely disturbed.

The Plot: 

So… there’s this kid named Charlie (who needs to cheer up) and he’s impoverished. He puts the “pov” in poverty. And then there’s this other dude in a  candy shop who sings a song all about how “the candyman can” in a song that takes the line between consumerism and idol worship and dances merrily upon it while sucking on a candy cane (because candy will make all your troubles go away, America.)

Anyway, there’s this other guy named Willy Wonka and he owns a huge candy store located (for some reason) in the most depressing town in the entire world. If you took Chernobyl and combined it with 1920’s Detroit and a dirt covered sponge you would still live in a cheerier town then wherever the heck old Charlie lives.

Willy Wonka: purveyor of fine candies, and even finer child death traps.

Willy Wonka: purveyor of fine candies, and even finer child death traps.

So Willy clan Wonka has locked himself inside his candy factory for the last fifty years or so but now is ready to let five lucky children tour his factory and slowly and  inevitably get picked off one by one until there is only one survivor left. This is basically The Hunger Games with candy is what I’m saying.

So Charlie (because this is after all his movie) and four other inevitably doomed children, all find “the Golden Ticket” and after a brief musical number they get set to head inside of the chocolate covered death machine that is: Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

The first to go is a guy by the name of Augustus Gloop who commits the horrible sin of drinking from a river in an area where Willy Wonka explicitly told them they could eat everything and anything. But in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory every yes is a no, every no is a yes, and behind every caramel flavored fruit snack is an Oompa-loompa with a baseball bat who will jack you up.

After him (in some order) go a bunch of admittedly stupid children who refuse to listen to adults but at the same time they’re children. Children are stupid. If you leave a child in a room alone with only a pillow and a teddy bear that child will find some way to spill something on the bear and impale itself on the pillow. Call children bulls in China shops is a horrible insult to bulls everywhere. Bulls probably say to themselves “Oh that Brett the Bull, he’s like a human child in a candy factory.”

Children: because cleanliness, quite, and sleeping are all highly overrated.

Children: because cleanliness, quite, and sleeping are all highly overrated.

Anyway, one of them gets transformed into a child blueberry in a scene that will horrify your nightmares forever. And she gets sent to the “juicing” room where I can only assume she had four or five different holes poked into her and then was allowed to just sort of bleed/juice out. Then some kid turns himself into a mini-version of himself and thus inspires the entire ant-man comic book series.

Then some little girl sings a song about “wanting it now” and for many of us as children that was probably the first time that we legitimately wished bodily harm on someone. I mean, most of the other kids were just sort of jerks or idiots or… well kids. But that girl was the devil in a jumper… whatever exactly a jumper is.

And finally after all the other children are dead or severely dismembered, Charlie is the last one standing. And as a reward for not somehow getting himself murdered in what was essentially a gauntlet of deathtraps specifically designed for him, Charlie becomes the owner of the Chocolate factory where he will go on making up new ways to murder unsuspecting children for years and years to come!

In Conclusion: 

Willy Wonka is a legitimately terrifying movie. Oompa Loompa’s are for all points and purposes slaves. Children are sucked up tubes, inflated, shrunk, dropped down into furnaces, and nearly chopped up into sushi by huge whirling death fans that are (for some reason) kept in the same room as an experimental, levitation inducing soft drink.

That said, it’s still probably a pretty great movie, Gene Wilder is (as ever) amazing and it’s still definitely a classic. The songs are catchy, the morals are strong, and your children may spend months afterword being deathly afraid of eating gum!!

Hello everyone, and welcome to another bright, sunny day here on the internet. Recently, in my constant search for the approval of others, someone asked me to review The Princes Bride Believe it or not, this isn’t the first time someone has asked me that, given that this website is populated mostly by fans of weird humor and eccentric pop culture references both of which comprise 90 percent of The Princess Bride. So, given this latest assault on the tower of my integrity, and given the fact that nothing good is in theaters except for Liam Neeson’s latest attempt at punching things (this time he has decided to go after the sky in “Non-stop” which I will probably watch next week.)   Here you have it teeming masses of three people who asked me to do it!

Micah Retro Reviews: The Princess Bride

The opening of Princess Bride has something to do with a kid, and an old school baseball game, and Old Columbo. Once that’s done though the actual good part of the movie starts with some handsome person and some mildly attractive girl making  what many important film critics have called “kissy faces.” And once that’s done the actually good part of the good part starts, namely: all of the parts where the girl is not speaking. Inigo (sp), Fezzig (also sp) and Casimi (SO much sp) (editor’s note: the characters name was Vizzini. Micah recently discovered the whole (sp) thing and has been running around like a kid and a candy shop ever since.) kidnap the Princess Bride (see how that works) and begin a mystical romp through the countryside that kicks off the movie. Dread Pirate Roberts, a six fingered man, and some people who are distinctly not left handed all come together to make a wonderfully awesome story with great comedy, fun characters, and a torture scene that probably scarred us all forever.

The Pros:

There are few movies more quotable then this one. Pretty much everyone has heard or quoted lines from princess bride at one point or another. For instance: “you keep using that word… I do not think it means what you think it means.” And that’s just one of hundreds of things that this movie contains. It’s not just that Princess Bride is funny, its that it’s quotably funny. Emperor’s New Groove quotably funny, and movies like that don’t come along very often.

Ladies and gentlemen: the actual star of this movie.

Ladies and gentlemen: the actual star of this movie.

The cast of characters we get to hang out with is fairly wonderful as well. No real big name actors are in this movie but each actor perfectly embodies everything their character needs them to be. It’s a great example of type casting done well. I mean who would have thought that there was a movie out there which would feature Andre the Giant in a role that he OWNED! If that’s not a prime examply of cinemagraphic wizardry I don’t know what is.

The Cons:

The one con I would put in for this movie is that “Buttercup” as we must call her is exactly as annoying and pretentious as her name makes her sound. Every scene she is in she’s whining about the need for someone to come save her and then when it comes down to it, when the rubber really meets the road, and it’s time for her to step up and make a difference… she decides to kill herself. So I kind of hate her, but you want to know something that will absolutely explode your brain? That same actress plays the wife on House of Cards. Yeah. I know.

Ya know, now that I think about it... you can totally have her.

Ya know, now that I think about it… you can totally have her.

In Conclusion:

The Princess Bride is just a wonderful experience. If you’ve never watched it: ya need to. If you have watched it: go watch it again. You’ll never find a movie that hits you quite like this one does and that is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

So thanks for reading this particular walk down memory lane everyone! I am going to go out and practice my sword play, you folks stay cool, and I’ll see you Monday!