Posts Tagged ‘Redbox’

Well hello and welcome to another Thursday in which we will (at various points) throw some stuff in a backwardly direction. Because that’s what society demands!!! For some reason. But more to the point, and less to the prongs, let’s talk about Redbox! What’s good, what’s bad, and why is there always some super indecisive person in front of me who can’t PICK A STUPID MOVIE!!!

The Bottom 5: And speaking of stupid movies, here are 5 of the very worst movies currently festering inside of Redbox.

The Interview: Yup the movie everyone got super excited about and angry over, that then turned out to really really suck. A lot. Because believe it or not coming up with the most controversial idea you can think of and then writing a horrible script about it, is not the ticket to success.

Dumb and Dumber Too: Please do not watch this. Ever. I don’t care if you liked the original, I don’t care if you are quite literally an immobile object and the movie is playing in front of you. Move. Get out of there. You will never be the same after watching this movie, it will haunt you to the end of your days. Your IQ will drop, your sense of humor will whither, your face will (in a desperate act of self preservation) physically remove itself from your skull. Don’t watch this.

Lucy: You can read my full review of this over here but… in the end… the main character literally becomes a Celestial Thumbdrive. You did not misread that.

Lucy: a movie that defies you to figure out why it's omnipotent heroine does not in any participate in the climactic battle.

Lucy: a movie that defies you to figure out why it’s omnipotent heroine does not in any participate in the climactic battle.

Left Behind: Yup. You can still watch the movie that critics universally agreed was the cinematic equivalent of being beaten to death with a spork.

The Scorpion King 4: Cause is there was one thing that the unimaginative, poorly conceived, completely unnecessary, Scorpion King 1 needed, it was THREE sequels. Three of them. You did not misread that.

The Scorpion King series because... umm... tax breaks?? Are we getting tax breaks for this?

The Scorpion King series because… umm… tax breaks?? Are we getting tax breaks for this?

The Top 5: Things are actually pretty good in Redbox right now… believe it or not keeping this list down to 5 was actually fairly difficult.

Birdman: Academy Award Winning movie starring Michael Keaton, Edward Norton, and Emma Stone all about a guy who used to play a super hero and now doesn’t know what to do with his life… so basically the Michael Keaton story. It’s not for everyone (R rated and not exactly your typical movie experience) but it is fantastic for those of you who like it’s particular style.

Big Hero 6: The official kids pick of the article. It’s a great movie, with some great animations, and some very very strange, superpowers.

Guardians of the Galaxy: Couldn’t resist it. Still my favorite movie from last year, and still pretty much made of wonderful. No way around it.

The Imitation Game: Benedict Cumberbatch and Kierra Knightly star in a movie about code breaking, britishness, and extreme combovers. Seriously though, it’s great. Go watch it. Or… rent it. Or whatever.

And behind that enigma there is a... well a pizza hut. It is, admittedly, anti-climactic.

And behind that enigma there is a… well a pizza hut. It is, admittedly, anti-climactic.

The Theory of Everything: Just in case you watched Jupter Ascending and thought that Eddie Redmayne was a talentless husk of used guacamole, here’s the Theory of Everything. A movie in which Eddie Redmayne actually acts as opposed to the other movie in which he was actually routinely clubbed over the head with a mallet before the cameras rolled.

So there you go America, happy days. Find some movies, watch them, and then find some other movies and don’t ever watch them. Ever. At all.

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Hello friend Internet, Fienternet as I will hopefully never call you again. Well… it’s still September… and September (in almost every meaning of the word) sucks. A lot. To death. No movies, rainy weather, not quite far enough into fall to have beautiful leaves or good coffee. It’s a terrible thing. Nobody is happy in September. So since I have no movies to review, have talked about video games, and even resorted to tearing apart Gone with the Wind out of sheer blog boredom. So now I will impart to you further wisdom, not just to make fun of old movies, or to talk about video games, but rather to help you, to guide you, to show you a better way to live. The redox way.

What’s in Redbox

The following is a list of stuff and things and stuff that are in Redbox. Some are good, some are bad, but pretty much all of them are better than spending ten dollars in a theater to watch something horrible.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier:

Right up there with Iron Man 1 as one of the best stand-alone Marvel hero movies out there. The plot is great, there’s a genuine sense of humor to it, and some of the best fight scenes around, a genuine pleasure to watch. Just don’t stare directly at Robert Redford’s old man ears. Those things will eat your brain.

Think Like a Man Too:

A bunch of people get together and make a bad sequel to a funny movie. On the plus side it’s got… Nope there’s not a plus side. Sorry, I tried.

Draft Day:

Kevin Costner and some people who don’t understand how the NFL draft works, make a movie about the NFL draft. Overall it’s a “meh” sort of movie but it is hilarious if you know how the actual NFL draft works.

"So... do you guys think we should research the actual NFL draft? Nah, we'll be okay right?"

“So… do you guys think we should research the actual NFL draft? Nah, we’ll be okay right?”

Barbie and the Secret Door:

Here’s the plot summary of this movie: A shy princess, Alexa, discovers a secret door in her kingdom and enters a whimsical land filled with magical creatures and surprises. Inside, Alexa meets Romy and Nori, a mermaid and a fairy, who explain that a spoiled ruler named Malucia is trying to take all the magic in the land. To her surprise, Alexa has magical powers in this world, and her new friends are certain that only she can restore their magic. Ha ha ha… oh man. That’s hilarious.

Divergent:

Divergent is a movie that’s a lot like the Hunger Games, except everyone is kind of a jerk and instead of being divided into 13 districts going from super rich to hilariously poor, things are divided into 5 houses going from smiley happy give you everything, all the way to murder-death everyone IN THE FACE!

 Oculus:

An above average horror movie starring Amy Pond… I mean Karen Gillan.

"Ummm... yeah, I'm not actually Amy Pond..."

“Ummm… yeah, I’m not actually Amy Pond…”

Brave:

A Disney movie starring a girl with hair that is practically its own country, brave is the story of Merida a girl whose mother is (for various and sundry reasons) a bear. And really what could be better than a Bear mom and a Scottish girl running around a magical fairy version of Scotland looking for something… that I do not remember.

Noah:

A movie so loosely based on Biblical events that it may or may not have ever actually read the Bible. Or even like…the Wikipedia version of the Bible.

Transformers (the Trilogy):

That’s right folks, the entire Transformers trilogy. For just 3 dollars you can entirely melt away your brain, soul, and (some studies have shown) portions of your kidneys. We do NOT under any circumstance recommend you watching these movies back to back. It will physically kill you. Your brain will smash out of your skull in a desperate attempt to escape the works of Michael Bay.

Basketball Girlfriend:

I have no idea what this movie is about… but it looks hilarious, and I’m just assuming here that there is a basketball player and that he has a girlfriend.

Vampire Academy:

Cause if there was anything our society needed  it was a movie about high school vampires who love each other and go to school.

Ha ha they suck at school... it's funny cause-- oh wait no it's not.

Ha ha they suck at school… it’s funny cause– oh wait no it’s not.

The Legend of Hercules:

Did you watch the Rock’s version of Hercules and think “Huh, well this is sort of a mediocre movie, but you know what I really want to see? A much much worse version of this!!” Well, you very weird person, this is the movie for you. Enjoy it!! Or don’t. Whichever of those you were hoping for.

47 Ronin:

Yup. Keanu Reeves horrifying brick-face. On the plus side for Keanu I recommend this movie over Transformers!! Any of the Transformers.

And finally:

The Art of the Steal:

This movie is on this list for one reason: Crunch Calhoun. Yup, the main character in this movie is Crunch Calhoun. Goodnight ladies and gentlemen.