Posts Tagged ‘Prisoners’

Oh dear friends of the internet, hello, and welcome to another Monday. Technically of course I write these Sunday nights so this whole blog started out with a lie. Then again, if I’ve established anything over the course of this blog it’s that I’ll lie for a cheap laugh. Or even just for a cheap sentence. Like that one.

Anyway though, this is no time for lies! No sir, this is a time for truth, justice, and bold fonty typed letters.

The Box Office Top Ten 10/7/13 

10. Enough Said

Sneaking in at number 10 is “Enough Said” a movie that stars James Gandolfini and “that girl from Seinfeld.” It’s actually gotten pretty good reviews but it’s playing at roughly four theaters and all the tickets have already been bought by fans of Seinfeld and the Sopranoes so I guess us mere mortals that don’t live in Hollywood will have to wait for this to come out on DVD.

9. Pulling Strings

Alejandro is a mariachi singer and a single dad trying to get to America… And somehow that becomes a movie. I guess. And they kidnap somebody. Yeah… no idea. And do not care.

8. Insidious: Chapter 2

Insidious (Chapter 1) was a moderately scary movie about a little boy who was some kind of magical revolving door to the spirit world or something like that. Anyway, Insidious Chapter 2 continues the journey of the Whatever family as they delve into their past to find out things that probably have to do with demons that look like Darth Maul. My only hope with this series is that they continue the whole “chapters of a book theme” so that eventually they can make a prequel and call it “Insidious: Table of Contents.”

7. Baggage Claim

I literally have no idea what this movie is about. And ya know what? I really don’t care. All I know is it’s about a flight attendant desperatetly trying to get engaged and the movie synopsis contains the phrase “comedic encounters” which means the movie may be many MANY things but that “comedic” will not be one of them.

Even the poster is trying to just a little too hard.

Even the poster is trying just a little too hard.

6. Don Jon

A movie about a guy who’s addicted to porn and then falls in love… no idea where the story goes from there. Or how that is a story. Also Scarlet Johnanssen is in this movie and has a HORRENDOUS New York accent. I almost let Bilbo (my pet vampire chinchilla) eat my ear canals midway through the trailer just so I could stop listening to her talk.

5. Rush

All you formula 1 fans out there here’s your movie. Seriously though guys, this is supposed to be a pretty good movie, plus it’s got Chris Hemsworth in it without a beard OR a hammer!! Rename this movie “Thor Incognito” and I would be all over this!! As is I’ll still probably watch it at some point but I feel since I don’t actually watch the racing it would be very hypocritical of me to show up to the theater. Like when I went tothe fourth Twilight movie with my wife and kept having to ask the people around us questions. Like, what elementary school had kidnapped the vampires and glued glitter to them?

"Rush" cause "Speed" was taken and "Really Really Fast" didn't make it past marketing.

“Rush” cause “Speed” was taken and “Really Really Fast” didn’t make it past marketing.

4. Prisoners

Jake Gyllenhall and Hugh Jackmen star in a movie about a guy who kidnaps a guy who he thinks kidnapped his children. Sort of like that time when I ate the jello of a guy who I thought had kidnapped my children. – I mean my jello. Which I found shortly afterwords… and then ate. – The more I think about it the less it seems the two have in common, and yet here I am at the end of a paragraph having said very little about this movie. So, really nothing new there huh?

3. Runner Runner

You might think a movie starring Ben Affleck fresh off the Batman announcement would do better than this but it has the fact that it’s a really bad movie working against it. I have nothing imparticular against Justin Timberlake, he’s not necessarily a bad actor he’s just not really ready to carry the plot of a movie and if we’re being honest there’s not a great deal of plot to carry here so… yeah.

2. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2

Not really a lot to say here honestly. The first movie was good in sort of quirky oddball way, and this movie seems to be more of the same. I honestly like the first film, it was a movie that didn’t take itself too seriously and wasn’t afraid to make fun of its own premise which you need to be able to do when you’re making a movie about a children’s book with the premise of giant raining food.

Ba ha! see?

Ba ha! see?

1. Gravity

Well done America!! Gravity netted itself not only the biggest October opening ever but also opened bigger then George Clooney’s previous biggest movie opening “Batman & Robin” something that no one is more grateful for then George Clooney. In addition to that, Gravity scored a whopping 98 percent approval on! I am very excited to watch this movie and will be in theaters anxiously trying to forget that whole Batman & Robin sentence that I just typed.

So there you have it guys, this weeks box office and one big resounding lesson learned: le’go of my jello! Wait I mean: watch Gravity!! Yeah… that one.

Hey everyone, and welcome to the party! The “I didn’t post on Monday cause I was busy being stuff and doing things” party. It’s not a great party. I’m just being honest.

Anyway, I’ve got like 200 words to get through and I just got home from apple picking so my fingers are seizing up in the shape of Granny Smith’s every time I reach to hit the period button. But never the less, through great pain, and no small amount of personal agony I bring to you: The Weekly Headlines.

In our lead story it continues to be September and there continues to be no good movie news at all. It’s like the movie industry is deliberately mocking us while it hangs out with Thor 2, The Hunger Games 2, Ender’s Game and about ten other great movies coming out in a few months and we’re left to stand next to the stale vegetable stand, dipping soft celery sticks into a dip made of our own boredom. – Yeah… that got away from me somewhere in the middle there.

Disney’s Frozen (also coming in November… curse you Hollywood) recently released its first full trailer. From the look of things the movie will basically be “Tangled: in Snow” but the sad thing is that’s not really a terrible insult. In fact four people just pulled up another window just to find out when the movie is opening so they can buy tickets. No really, keep giving Disney your money… I’ll wait.

"Would you like to join me for the festival of lights?"

“Would you like to join me for the festival of lights?”

Fox announced that it’s starting a new series called “Gotham” that’s supposedly the story of Jim Gordon and some Batman villains in Gotham but the show may not actually have batman in it. Those of you wondering how this will be  different from Marvel’s new show “Agents of Shield” (which features a bunch of non-super hero people dealing with a super hero world) the answer is simple: it isn’t. If we’ve learned one thing about DC comics in the last year it’s that there’s nothing Marvel can do that DC can’t do a year later and slightly worse.

"Gotham" cause why NOT try and steal Marvel's ideas?

“Gotham” cause why NOT try and steal Marvel’s ideas?

On a far more awesome note Agents of Shield debuted yesterday!! Have you not watched Agents of Shield? You should watch it. Sure it’s giving Disney your money, but at least it’s giving your money to Disney so they can give some of it to Joss Whedon. I’m okay with that.

Taking the top spot in the box office this week was “Prisoners” a movie starring Jake Gyllenhall, Hugh Jackmen, and Hugh Jackmen’s huge goatee. For real though, the Goatee got its own makeup person and stunt-tee. It’s actually the exact same facial hair Hugh uses for Wolverine except completely backwards.

Michael Bay continues working on the next movie in the Transformer’s series just kind of because. Tranformers: Age of Extinction, features “Dino-bots” (robots who change into Dinosaurs) attempting to destroy humanity. I could make a joke here but there is literally nothing at all funny about the fact that people keep giving Michael Bay money to make horribly written movies about robots that will now feature the word “dino-bots” in an un-ironic way. Couldn’t we use that money for like… cancer or something? Or how about we just pay Michael Bay lots of money to STOP making movies. Forever. I’m down with either.

A friend of mine lent me Dishonored, an awesome video game that features a sweet teleportation power!! The only problem is that I teleport with all the cunning and accuracy of a concussed duck so… it hasn’t been going super well for me thus far.

Never has so much cool been ruined by my lack of basic steering.

Never has so much cool been ruined by my lack of basic steering.

The Red Sox clinched a playoff spot last week meaning that I talked to my wife a lot about things she does not care to understand. It also means I’m going to be doing at least one live blog of a baseball game so… be ready not to check this site that day.

Well there you have it friends, that’s the news! Check in next week as I kick October off with a preview of what you should and shouldn’t see in the coming month! Thanks for reading and we’ll see you on the flip side!