Posts Tagged ‘Pirates of the Carribean 5’

Hey Internet, boy am I glad to be back, but not nearly as glad (I’m aware) as you are to have me. It’s okay my children, my blessed waifs of the internet. Come. Gather round my internet fire, and let us all warm ourselves in the glow of one of our most sacred Thoughts We Might Have Had traditions: bold and centered font. And also:

Summer Questions 2017: Part 1

Number 1: Can Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 be a good follow up to the first?

The good news is that because my summer questions are a little late this year we’ve already got a real solid answer to this: yes. Yes it can. The reviews have basically all been positive and while it’s generally agreed that it’s not quite as good as the original, the original was VERY good and this just being “very good” is still pretty good! Or very good. Or something.

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It’s weird to say this but… this movie lived up to its potential!!

 

Number 2: Can King Arthur: Legend of the Sword be… I don’t know… anything more than just another Guy Ritchie movie about people running around doing vague things with quick cuts?

Probably not. I mean look, I like Guy Ritchie movies on the whole but they’re never really about much more than youngish people smash cutting around a city. I’m not saying this will be a bad movie, I’m just saying that there will probably be a lot more flash than there is substance to this one.

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Wait a second… is this our most attractive King Arthur??

 

Number 3: Will Alien: Covenant actually be a good Alien movie?

I mean statistically: No. It’s got all the earmarks of a bad movie: forced sequel to a mediocre movie, director who may or may not understand why people like this franchise (he seems to think we LOVE pseudo-space philosophy and characters making weirdly inappropriate statements about the value of strong women and not… ya know, actual strong female characters and Aliens), and plans to make several more movies in the series meaning that this one will probably not actually resolve. I mean look: it could be good. I hope it’s good! I like the good Alien movies… but this will probably not be one.

Number 4: How do people keep making Pirates of the Caribbean movies?

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Pirates of the Caribbean: You WILL like Johnny Depp. You WILL!!!

 

Look, here’s the thing: Pirates of the Caribbean 3, was a genuinely bad movie that brought that trilogy to a weird and confusing end. The whole “trilogy” thing just never really worked at all. That said: 1 and 4 were actually pretty good, so when the old PotC franchise has stuck to single story films they’ve done okay for themselves and this movie actually looks serviceably interesting. Honestly, the only thing that really freaks me out about it is the fact that apparently Orlando Bloom is back (Keira Knightely is as well but supposedly only in a cameo so whatever.) I feel like Pirates of the Caribbean is a great vehicle for good pirate movies, and we just sort of happen to put them all in the same universe, I get nervous that we’re gonna reach back and include things from earlier in the franchise cause that generally means some writer somewhere got locked in a room until he could work out twenty minutes of Piraty things for Orlando Bloom to do and that’s no way to make a movie, my friend. No way.

Number 5: Can Wonder Woman possibly somehow against all odds be a good movie?

Look guys… it’s just so dang hard to say. On the one hand: all the material for this has looked great. The trailers, the design, the cast, all of it. On the other hand: this is DC comics. DC has spent the last couple years selling us on trailers but then delivering bad movies with lazy writing and so many cooks in the kitchen that the soup morphed into a living amalgamation of death and disease that laid the world to waste. I hope Wonder Woman is good. Deep deep down past my layers of cynicism, bitterness, and toffee cream cakes I think it will be good. But I can’t honestly that it will be. I’ve been burned too many times man… by too many soups.

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Power!! X’s!!! Woman!!

 

And that’s where we shall leave things for today my inter-children. Be blessed. Be filled. Come back Thursday for more answers, more questions, and more vague cooking references!

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