Posts Tagged ‘Passengers’

Internet, we have arrived. Arrived at that final longing look back at 2016 wherein we cast ourselves off from the shores of the old year, look back, and realize that maybe those weren’t the best shores after all. Maybe those shores we’re covered in jagged rocks and the tired faces of sad actors. Maybe we’re better off heading into 2017 after all!

Micah’s Bottom 10 Movies of 2016

Per usual I’ve decided my bottom 10 into two groups of 5. The worst 5 movies I physically saw with my face-eyes, and the worst 5 movies that were thrown at humanity in general. I don’t generally seek out bad movies so my list is mostly movies that were disappointing or didn’t live up to there potential, whereas the other bottom five are… well they’re real bad.

Micah’s 5 Worst Movie Decisions of 2016

  1. Passengers

Slinking in just under the bar is Passengers. A movie that wasted a decent story idea and a great cast, in favor of some genuinely disturbing plot twists and a cliché ending. The saddest thing about Passengers is that it’s about 90% of a good movie, but the 10% that is not good is VERY not good. Passengers is the movie equivalent of getting a delicious steak dinner from a 5 Star restaurant with a dead rat stapled to the bottom of your steak. It’s still a good steak but… probably don’t eat that.

  1. Jason Bourne

There’s nothing egregiously wrong with Jason Bourne (A Jason Bourne Story) but there’s also definitely nothing right with it. Jason Bourne (A Movie from the Jason J. Bourne series) does the absolute minimum number of required things to call itself an action movie and then that’s it. It leaves. It’s a movie that is perfectly encapsulated by its title. Unimaginative, cursory, obligatory, and (of course) Jason Bourne (Keep on Bourning.)

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Cause we told you his name. It’s the movies name… You know his name right?

 

  1. Suicide Squad

I done got hoodwinked on this one guys. I thought this would be the DC movie that finally showed us that DC knew how to make movies… and boy was I wrong. In fact, if anything I feel like this movie showed exactly why DC doesn’t know how to make a good movie. Cause somewhere deep DEEP down in the past of the Suicide Squad, I really believe it was a great movie. All the parts of a great movie are here, the cast is good, the characters are interesting, Will Smith and Margot Robbie are well cast and do their absolute best but in the end you can feel that good movie get buried under re-shoots, script revisions, and just general hand wringing as DC tried to make what could have been a fun under the radar side movie, into a full blown franchise flagship. It (to quote the Hobbit) a bit of butter scraped over too much bread. It turned Will Smith into just a means of expressing tired dialogue, Margot Robbie into nothing more than a walking advertisement for short shorts, and really just made me depressed that this thing wasn’t better. And don’t even get me started on The Enchantress constantly looking like she was in desperate need of a hoola hoop, or the fact that Captain Boomerang doesn’t actually use boomerangs at all or… nevermind. Suicide Squad was really bad guys. And it didn’t have to be.

  1. X-men: Apocalypse

It never really felt like anyone involved in X-men: Apocalypse wanted to be there. The actors just sort of mumbled their way through their lines, the script badly needed to be edited several more times, and even the fight scenes ended up just being a bunch of CGI whirling around followed by people making faces as they summoned various and unexplained aspects of their powers. It was like the whole movie was written and produced exclusively from 2-4 in the morning. Everyone just looked tired and uninterested and like they literally wanted to be anywhere but being involved with yet another X-men movie about being an X-man and how it doesn’t matter how many people Magneto kills as long as he’s sorry for it by the end of the movie. I spent the entirety of X-men: Apocalypse waiting for something to happen to make me care, and that never ever happened.

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These bored people, would like to tell you a boring story.

 

  1. Batman V. Superman

Look, I know there are some people out there who really liked Batman V. Superman and I get that. I do. But this whole movie just fell apart for me from the get go. The whole thing was just a series of bad decisions, poor writing, and characters acting like idiots. The actual Batman V. Superman section was short and ended in probably the single worst bit of character reversal I’ve ever seen in my life. Lex Luthor was just a sad, miserable impression of someone doing a bad joker impression (hi Jared Leto.) The whole film was a mess and at least the other messes on this list had some interesting sections to them.

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This terrible character would like to stumble through an incoherent story!

 

Ugh… well that was unpleasant wasn’t it? It’s like if someone went back and showed you the five worst pictures anyone had ever taken of you. Bleh. But now we get to go to the fun part of the blog where we look at 5 really REALLY bad pictures, that I wasn’t in!! (Admittedly the metaphor breaks down some.

The Hollywood What Hath Thou Wrought Bottom 5

5: Alice Through the Looking Glass

What better way to start off our list than an unnecessary, un-asked for sequel to a movie that was (at its best) fine. Alice Through the Looking Glass was a movie that no one watched, no one cared about, and no one wanted. You get the feeling Disney made and released this movie just to prove that they could sometimes make a bad movie. Or maybe they’ve got a group of people on staff that they don’t want to fire but who also shouldn’t be allowed near any of the good Disney properties so they were like “And umm… you guys… make Alice in Wonderland 2!! For reasons…”

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You will never sympathize with a butterflies desire to leave a place, like you will sympathize with this butterflies desire to leave this movie.

 

  1. Zoolander 2

Speaking of unimaginative, unnecessary sequels how about Zoolander 2!! The sequel to a movie that literally just sort of went back and did the exact same story again without even really bothering to hide that fact. Same characters, same recurring jokes, same basic plot. If someone played the first ten minutes of Zoolander 2, and then spliced in Zoolander 1 there’s at least a decent chance most people wouldn’t notice and a VERY good chance the movie itself would be better.

  1. Nine Lives

Look, we all suspected a little bit that this movie would suck. I mean the old “businessman gets turned into a pet and learns about his family and life and things” has been done A LOT before and it’s never really worked out all that well has it? There was at least a chance Kevin Spacey could turn this around but boy did he not do that. Nine lives is very VERY bad. Very bad.

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This is not a picture from  9 Lives… I wouldn’t do that to you guys.

 

  1. Mother’s Day

The latest in a long line of movies loosely based around holidays that feature an “all-star” cast of people and zero actual plot. Who keeps making these movies??? What studio keeps saying, “well it hasn’t worked the last five times we tried to do this, but THIS sad script and ensamble cast of slightly out of fashion stars will DEFINITELY work!!”

  1. Norm of the North

Traditionally here on Thoughts We Might Have Had we save this top spot for Adam Sandler or (when Sandler’s not around) his friends. With Sandler hiding his “light” under a bushel over at Netflix, I’m sure he’d be happy to know Rob Schneider stepped into the gap with a movie that received a whopping 9% from Rotten Tomatoes and heavily featured a Polar Bear… twerking. And on that horrible, horrendous note, let’s wave goodbye forever to 2016. May we never darken its island again.

Well hey Internet! And welcome to my very last movie preview of 2016!! And it is a VERY crowded slate, I gotta say. I mean even discounting this last weekend it is a packed house up here in December! So let’s get right down to that sweet sweet business we’re in: wild speculation and sarcasm.

December 9th

La La Land

I did a big rant on this in my last post and got some choice words back from audience members so let me just say: I’m excited for this. It might end up being a little on the snooty “film for films sake” sort of side but there’s nothing wrong with the occasional bit of snoot right? Who doesn’t love a little snoot? I’ve ruined the word ‘snoot’ at this point. Too much snooting.

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It’s good to see the lightpost from ‘Singing In the Rain’ back in a musical.

 

Office Christmas Party

Speaking of snootery here is basically the opposite is snoot. Just your typical comedy that got a bunch of people who are legitimately think are hilarious (especially SNL’s Kate McKinnon) and will proceed to waste their talents on low level humor and various holiday exploitations. I could be wrong about this: but I’m not. Have you seen the trailers? I’m very not wrong.

December 16th

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

I’m very excited this. Honestly the only thing I’m not completely in on with this movie is Felicity Jones. Specifically her face, and voice, and ability to act. Granted, she’s the main character so… that’s kind of important. But are we sure she’s actually a good actress? Like what else has she been in? I mean the Theory of Everything I guess is her biggest deal and she was okay in that… it makes me feel a little better. And I am absolutely all in on everything else about this whole project so… yeah. All in on this.

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Also: Vader’s back. So that’s awesome.

 

The Founder

The Founder is a biographical piece on the founder of McDonalds starring Michael Keaton. It’ll probably be fine/good in a way that a fairly boring biographical piece can be. I’m mostly putting it here because it’s Oscar bait and in a few months when everyone is pretending they watched it, I’ll be able to say “yeah I talked about that on my blog before it even came out!” Though I’ve written that out now so… hopefully the people I say that too aren’t reading this.

Collateral Beauty

Will Smith stars as a grieving man who encounters Death, Love and umm… one other one… trash disposal? No… Oh Time. Yes. Time. Anyway, he has conversations with these sort of personifications of these characters and it honestly could be very good. Just to be clear: this is Oscar bait. But it could be good Oscar bait. Tasty. Tasty bait.

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Helen just showed Will the reviews for Suicide Squad.

 

December 21 –

Passengers

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt team up for a movie about two people woken up early from their special space-naps who fall in love and also probably get almost dead. It’ll be a good movie but I think it’s gonna get largely eclipsed by Rogue One. Weird timing on the part of the people who pick the timing for such things, Lawrence and Pratt will be great though, so if nothing else it’s gonna be a fun one.

Assassin’s Creed

Michael Fassbender becomes the latest in a LOOOONNNGG line of people to try and make a good movie based on a video game. I mean, Assassin’s Creed is (if nothing else) a pretty good setting for a good action movie. Lots of stabbing, swords and assassinations and stuff like that. Much more sort of tangible than this year’s other video game movie “World of Warcraft” which was fine but definitely sort of lost itself in its own mythos. The nice thing about Assassin’s Creed is that the “mythos” of that series has never really made any sense anyway so hopefully the movie doesn’t feel too connected to it. We’ll see what happens but at the very least I expect sort of a fun action movie (though again: not a great time to come out.)

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Nah, he seems cool with it, no assassination today.

 

December 23 –

December 23rd or (as I like to call it ) Liam Neeson weekend!!! That’s right: not one, but TWO Liam Neeson movies! Strap on your good ears, Grandma!!

Silence

Look, this IS a Liam Neeson movie but… I mean it doesn’t look like it’s gonna be… ya know good. It’s basically the story of some monks (Andrew Garfield and Adam Drivers Weird Face) who go in search of their elder monk… is that a thing? Who is Liam Neeson. Now, as a Monk Liam Neeson probably won’t punch anything and he really probably won’t be in the movie a ton, but it is a Liam Neeson movie AND he’s re-teeming with Martin Scorsese so that’s good but… this movie will probably not be.

A Monster Calls

Now, this is the sauce. A movie that was supposed to come out in October but got pushed back because (you guessed it) Oscar bait. This movie features the silky smooth, chocolaty voice of Liam Neeson as the titular Monster who does the titular calling. It’s supposed to be VERY good and I’m super excited to check it out as it is based on a fantastic children’s book that you should very much check out.

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That big thing is Liam Neeson… so be excited about that.

 

And there you have it ladies and gentleman!! A very full December slate, but let’s all make it through and may you have a very Merry Christmas, and a Happy Holidays, I’ll see you Thursday!

Well hey Internet, look, I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m real real sick. But like a swan, winging up from it’s little swanhouse on the prairie, I shall rise up and eat some breadcrumbs!!… I mean do the weekly headlines. Yeah… that one. Though I mean if you’ve got some breadcrumbs…

The Weekly Headlines 9/8/2016

Well it’s been confirmed guys, Joe Manganiello will be playing Deathstroke in Ben Afflecks upcoming Solo Batman movie. Whether or not he will appear in Justice League is still very up in the air. Given that Justice League already has the formation of the Justice League and a MUCH bigger villain than Deathstroke it doesn’t seem like a good idea. Then again, this is a DC movie so… there’s plenty of precedent for bad ideas. PLENTY of precedent.

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People seem okay with this casting but I mean come on!! That one eye you can see looks NOTHING like his one eye!!

 

Speaking of bad ideas: Underworld: Blood Wars released its first trailer! Look, I really liked the first Underworld, and the second was… a movie. The prequel was good and then it was WAAAYYYYY downhill from there. Downcliff is probably a better term. And now we’re apparently gonna make another one of these, and the really sad thing is… I’m totally gonna watch this. What can I say: I’m a sucker for vampires that actually do vampire things.

The Trailer for Collateral Beauty just dropped, and I’m not gonna lie guys, it looks great! Great cast, Will Smith doing Will Smith things, the whole thing looks real solid! Sure it’s got so much snoot it’s practically covered in a layer of soot snoot but that’s not always a bad thing! Highly recommend checking out the trailer!

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Just read the cast, you’ll be pretty excited.

 

In TV news there it still ZERO TV news. When are the good shows coming back?? My poor Netflix cue is starting to get VERY tired, there are only so many times I can watch Firefly network TV!!

A new poster for Passengers has been released and the movie still seems like a real solid idea! Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence are the only two people awake on a ship bound for deep space?? Start printin’ that money.

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Passengers!! Eyeballs!! Money!!

 

Taking the top spot at the box office this week was Don’t Breathe, though I feel like ‘taking’ is a very strong word for this. Don’t Breathe was handed the top spot in the box office this week because no one else really seemed to want it. Like (for instance) the flu, or any other raging horrors currently circulating through my very broken immune system.

Excitedly new in theaters next week is… umm… Well you can watch Bridget Jones’s Baby or Blair Witch if you feel like watching unnecessary, un-asked for, unimaginative sequels to movies that were pretty bad in the first place!! Then again if that’s your thing Now You See Me 2 is on DVD!!

Oh also, happy football season everyone! Hold onto your heads, keep your brains steady, and brace yourself for the inevitable head smashing action!

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No matter what you do with your life, you will never fail as badly at your job, as this helmet.

 

Oh and finally, some hope for those of you staring ahead at the month of September with dread in your heart: here’s a list of some new movies on Netflix you should see. Jaws: cause giant sharks. True Grit (recently on my best westerns list.) Sweeney Todd (cause you can skip all the parts with the most annoying sailor child in the world singing about frikkin’ Joanna and just watch Johnny Depp and Alan Rickman) and Saving Private Ryan (cause  Tom Hanks REALLY wants to save that Private.)

And there you go guys: I’m going back to bed.