Posts Tagged ‘Once Upon A Time’

Hello citizens and welcome back to TV show premiere week!! I already spent some time this week making people angry at me for making fun of Heroes, so I thought to myself why not just keep the good times rolling and make fun of Once Upon a Time!!

Here’s the deal, I tried to watch Once Upon a Time several times, never got into it. Interesting arcing storyline, completely nonsensical writing and bad acting. I was out. But everyone keeps telling me it gets better and that I should give a crap, so I thought hey, why not watch this season premiere and see what I understand.

(In case you hadn’t figured it out I am about to reveal spoilers for Once Upon A Time Season 5 Episode 1)

Little girl in a theater, I assume that that’s Emma given that it’s apparently 1989. Aw, she’s watching the sword and the stone in a theater!! I love that movie. Why am I not watching that movie? Yay Exacalibur and stuff.

” I am so hungover.”

Well the once upon a time logo has changed to incorporate a creepy house. I approve of that anyway.

Does every season premiere in this show involve people riding on horses?? Or is that just a coincidence?

Oh look a sword in the stone.

“I just need to take what I want, and then I shall be the greatest king in all the realms.” That’s the sort of writing I’m talking about.

Though I approve of the sword in the stone just straight up murdering the people who aren’t worthy. Much more climactic.

Someone cut Excalibur in half.

Someone just said the sentence “Sucked up by a vortex of evil.” With a straight face. See what I mean???

The Dark One. Good villain name, though I can’t speak too much given my love for Supernatural and this seasons villain “the Darkness.” Have we just gotten tired of naming things? We should just start calling our good guys “Blond Dude”  or Muscle Chest just to even things out.

So… apparently Emma is mostly evil or she touched some sort of blade or something and now she’s at least partially evil or possessed by evil or something like that. Old Rumplestiltskin has put on some weight. Okay so she’s possessed by “The Dark One” which I’m assuming is some sort of evil presence that vaguely justifies the actions of the evil queen (Regina) and makes her “not that bad.” Because heaven forbid somebody just be evil. Some dude I don’t know is talking and handing them a stick, I should probably be listening.

Well Regina (the Evil Queen from season 1) just tried to use the magic stick he gave them and she can’t so… apparently I’m not the only one who wasn’t listening. Something something, Regina’s a sister (who’s evil) is gonna have to help them.

Pictured: Regina's Sister. But WAY more importantly is that the 4th Doctor in the background??

Pictured: Regina’s Sister. But WAY more importantly is that the 4th Doctor in the background??

Wow Emma just accidentally Vader force choked a peasant. Points for that.

Sorry Darth, you knew you were gonna get dragged into this somehow.

Sorry Darth, you knew you were gonna get dragged into this somehow.

Oh look it’s Belle. And her beast. And some lady gave her a flower in a jar, just like in that movie… whatever it was called. Belle and the Beauty?? Beauty and the Belle?? Dang, what was that???

I don’t know what it says about the show that I know exactly what is going on right now. I expected to be very confused but I know exactly who everyone is and what they’re doing. Probably because everyone keeps very clearly stating their intent and purpose. For instance I know, Regina’s sister is the Wicked Witch of the West cause everyone keeps coily saying things like “that wicked witch” or “that witch is just wicked.” Doesn’t this annoy people who already know who that character is???

Emma keeps accidentally using the Force on people. Oh look it’s Merida!! From that Merida movie… Braveheart?? Merida just challenged Emma to a fist fight after establishing that Emma ACCIDENTALLY used the Force on her. That seems like a good idea. Okay I’m down with Merida who seems like a cool person with a Scottish accent. Even I cannot mock a good Scottish accent. That said pairing up with the obviously crazy psychopath with uncontrolled and evil magical powers seems… un-wise.

Oh look it’s little annoying boy, less small, more annoying.

Why are we discussing our plans out loud in obvious earshot of the person we’re talking about betraying???? She is literally within arms reach. ARMS REACH. And you’re speaking at full volume.

Oh the ill-conceived plan to break the Wicked Witch out of jail to use her for good purposes backfired!! …Shocking…

Wait is it Zelena or Selena?? Cause if the Wicked Witches magical name is ‘Zelena’ I think we should all agree to go burn down this studio. I think it’s weird that we were impressed by the fact that what’s his butt could tell the Wicked Witch was disguised as the woman he loved when he kissed her… I’m pretty sure I could tell.

This show is pulling a Dragon Ball Z!! All of the characters are standing around, watching someone charge up a magical spell. Somebody tackle somebody else please!!

Oh no! Merida overheard Emma talking about betraying her! This may have been a result of the conversation happening out loud roughly four inches from Merida’s ear but… ya know, that’s just a possibility.

Okay so there’s a magical tornade coming to transport everyone to a magical kingdom and we’re carrying a BABY???

“We’re not turning our back on you again, not even in the face of certain death.” Says a character… despite being in a house WITH A BABY!!

Also why does Merida keep shooting incredibly ineffectual arrows at a woman very obviously trying NOT to kill her. I mean great Scottish accent… terrible brain function. Also, her heart seems to be made of candy. I mean I’m not a cannibal or anything but I’d eat that.

Oh look the newly introduced Disney Princess wasn’t heartlessly murdered in her first episode!?!? That was close.

“Mom, Dad you shouldn’t have come! And you definitely shouldn’t have brought a helpless baby! You didn’t do that did you? Cause that would be crazy irresponsible.”

So we brought the entire cast to Camelot for a season apparently. And there’s King Arthur, if this show has Archimedes in it I will be VERY excited. That owl was my hero. King Arthur just announced everyone was going to Camelot and the whole cast looked shocked. Where would you expect him to take you?? I mean if I offered to take you to Camelot THAT would be surprising. King Arthur doing it should be pretty expected.

Yet another picture of something I would rather be watching.

Yet another picture of something I would rather be watching.

And we just did a six week time jump, Emma is mysteriously evil, and randomly turned a dude into stone. For literally no reason. Like not even “ooh that was an over reaction” just no reason. Apparently the writers of the show felt the need to really prove Emma was evil now by having her turn a VERY minor character into stone. Cause that’ll show’em.

Okay so, to sum up. The show has legitimately gotten better… I think. But the writing is still iffy at points and the acting still isn’t great. Emma has always been good and some of the new characters do seem to hold their own better than the old characters. So that’s something. That said, it’s still not for me. Like I get it. If you somehow survived the earlier seasons you probably have stockholm syndrome at this point anyway, and since the show is better: you’re in. But if you need me, I’ll be out here.

Hey Internet! So I’m going off to watch Star Trek: Into Darkness tonight and will be posting a review of it upon the morrow! In the meantime, here’s another great episode of Once Upon a Commentary!! I check out Once Upon A Time Episode Two and talk about why spells don’t work, why the Queen should wear pants, and why Unicorn midget ponies is exactly as bad an idea as it sounds it would be.

HERE is the Youtube link.

HERE is a link to just the audio file.

And here are some instructions for you first timers (or forgetful second timers… or old timers… or whatever)

Step 1: Get a copy of Once Upon a Time Season 1 Episode 1. The show is streaming on Netflix for free (with the streaming membership though there is a free one month trial for those of you who don’t have it) or you can rent it from Amazon.com or iTunes for 1.99. Or I guess if you’re really old school you can get the DVD or the VCR or the… eight track… or whatever.

Step 2: Play the episode but as soon as it starts press pause.

Step 3: Follow one of those two links and press play.

Step 4: You may need to adjust the audio a bit as you watch, you’re gonna want me to be louder then the show (cause I’m awesome) but you’ll still want to be able to hear the show itself as I’ll be commenting on stuff that’s being said.

Enjoy, comment, like, share, and subscribe! Thanks for watching!

Hey everybody!! All right, so I’ve been teasing this for the last little bit on this site but I figure the time has finally come to pull back the curtain and show what’s behind the magical glowy glow of Thoughts We Might Have Had! Below you’re gonna find links to my very own audio commentary on the first episode of Once Upon a Time! As is true for just about everything on this site the commentary is extremely random, hopefully funny, and definitely unlike anything you’ll get anywhere else! Here’s what you’ll need to do!

Step 1: Get a copy of Once Upon a Time Season 1 Episode 1. The show is streaming on Netflix for free (with the streaming membership though there is a free one month trial for those of you who don’t have it) or you can rent it from Amazon.com or iTunes for 1.99. Or I guess if you’re really old school you can get the DVD or the VCR or the… eight track… or whatever.

Step 2: Play the episode but as soon as it starts press pause.

Step 3: Follow one of these two links and press play. HERE is a link to the youtube video which might be a little easier for you. But for those of you who want to just download the audio file you can get that HERE. Once you’ve got it just play it, the instructions on the video will get you where you need to be!

Step 4: You may need to adjust the audio a bit as you watch, you’re gonna want me to be louder then the show (cause I’m awesome) but you’ll still want to be able to hear the show itself as I’ll be commenting on stuff that’s being said.

And that’s about it. I know it sounds a little complicated but it really isn’t that much and after a minute or two of tweaking you’ll be set to go for forty minutes of awesome hilarity… I think. Feel free to comment here or on the Youtube channel! I’ll probably do a couple more just to get in the rhythm of it and then depending on how much you guys like it I might even expand it and work on a couple more shows. I’m also wide open to suggestions as to which shows those should be! Thanks for watching!!!

I had a fairly nutz weekend. I have no idea why I spelled nuts like that. Cause that is not even a little bit how you spell nuts. Then again, I regularly use the words: stylez, happeningz, and skillz so I guess none of us should be surprized… I mean surprised.

But back to my weekend. I was driving with my friend Riley and our car broke down so we ended up having to hike roughly four million miles through fen and field and… ferns… I guess. All the while desperately trying to avoid getting run over by 18 wheelers who are WAY to fat to be driving on public roads. It’s like they’re a particularly large person taking up a huge chunk of the sidewalk and you have to awkwardly go around them, except this particular big person is moving 60 miles an hour and carrying several cows worth of churned milk. But anyway… I literally have no idea what this post is going to be about cause it’s late at night and I am currently semi-comatose (not exactly a rarity).

Let’s talk baseball shall we? I like baseball, especially in the last two days since the Red Sox suddenly remembered they were playing baseball and not Girls Bear Wrestling (now on Fox). I actually also got to sit down and watch a game on Sunday afternoon (thank to the bountiful mercy of my fiance’) and now feel much more kindly towards the Red Sox and towards baseball in general. After starting 1-5 (one win, five losses) the Red Sox are actually starting to resemble a baseball team again. So that’s going well.

If I hadn't just looked at a picture of Liam Neeson this would be the most hardcore thing I've seen today. Also one of these bears is a cheater.

And now, let’s talk TV: I’m still recovering from watching the BBC show Jekyll a few months ago. Frankly, it scared me to death, and was also brilliantly written and acted. It’s a beautiful thing, in a horrifying way. Like a hot girl wearing a Justin Bieber shirt.

In other TV news, me and my Fiance’ (a hot girl who doesn’t wear Justin Bieber shirts ever) are watching through Arrested Development an absolutely hysterical show filled with some of the dryest humor I have ever watched. It is definitely more my style of humor then hers but she watches it anyway (probably just to get to laugh at me). We gave up on “Once Upon A Time” forever ago because we didn’t have time to watch shows just because they were terrible and we wanted to laugh at them. Also every time the actor who plays Jimminy Cricket uttered dialogue my brain sprang out of my ears and punched me viciously in the face.

Yes this person is exactly as annoying as he looks.

For the million people who keep asking me: No I have not seen the Hunger Games yet. Leave me alone. Stop or I will hide those weird killer bees in all of your stuffed animals. I will. I’m a man on the edge!!

For the 2 million people who will now e-mail me asking why I haven’t seen the Hunger Games yet: I am busy. Busy like a bandit… a busy bandit… of bustle. A busy bustling bandit… of Bananas. A Bustling busy banana bandit. Calm down. This is why they make DVD’s. And iTunes.

For the 2 of you who care: I am still playing basketball on my 360 and am cleaning house for the Celtics!! In a good way. Not like, “I’m playing so badly they make me clean the house” sort of way but like a “I’m playing so well that other people clean my house… Iguess” sort of way. Now I’m just carrying on with that and circling the Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim waiting for the price to drop!! How is it this game has been out for more then a year and still costs 40 bucks?? I mean unless your Mass Effect 3 I am NOT spending 40 bucks on you, Video Games. I have much better things to spend my money on… like my Fiance’. Or the salaries of my Zombie Squirrel army.

Fear them!!

And finally (just to validate this as some sort of movie news) here is a poster from the increasingly awesome looking: The Amazing Spiderman movie coming out this Summer. Feast your eyes on all that coolness!!!

So... cool... my brain hurts.

Well there you go a post largely about nothing at all… so thanks for reading!

 

Once Upon A Time

Posted: November 7, 2011 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , , ,

I had a great weekend. My girlfriend and I celebrated 7 months of dating, I carried on one of my oldest traditions by watching the epic slice of awesome that is V for Vendetta on November 5th, and my girlfriend and I sat down and watched the first few episodes of ABC’s new show “Once Upon a Time”.

Now once again let me remind you I was in a really good mood as I watched this. I had a beautiful girl sitting next to me and a plate full of pizza on my lap. Granted the guy who gave us our pizza at “An Unnamed Pizza Place that Rhymes with Weezer Nut” was really really strange. My current working theory is that he was secretly possessed by Larry: Norse god of Stupid. And speaking of dear old Larry, let’s talk about Once Upon A Time.

Guess which one of these people is Snow White?

The Plot: 

Once Upon a Time opens with some dude riding a horse… and then continues to open with a guy riding a horse… and then continues… with a guy on a horse… Still a horse…. I went to the bathroom somewhere in here and when I got back he was still on a horse… then I baked a cake, read a novel, climbed Mount Olympus, and discovered the ancient and revered burial plot of Willy the Socially Awkward Penguin and when I returned the guy was just getting off his horse.

It seemed that this was the Prince from Snow White he of the creepy “I’m going to enter singing this song” fame. Anyway he arrived just in time for the seven dwarfs to tell him that Snow White was dead. The Prince then leaves flowers at her grave, delivers a touching Eulogy and leaves. No sorry, I kid. The Prince demands to be allowed to kiss Snow White’s moldy old corpse lips and low and behold rigamortis has set in and the Prince catches the black plague. No sorry, I kid. Snow White is magically returned to life and we are instantly transported to the scene of a wedding wherein Prince Charmin’ and Snow White are about to get wedded.

Prince Charmin, Charming's lesser known (but vastly more comfortable) brother.

Just when everything seems to be going so well for our Hero and Heroett though, who should come swooshing in but the evil-queen-witch-person-thing. She shouts a lot and overacts and promises she’s going to “ruin all your happy endings” and “destroy your dreams” and “make all of your Velcro un-attach at the worst possible moment.” The whole time she’s delivering this speech she’s surrounded by guards with pikes all of whom seem far too busy wondering who designed their ridiculous looking helmets to actually do anything. Anyway after promising that “mine will be the only happy ending” the witch (I know she’s a witch cause Snow White clarified it by saying “She’s nothing but a witch” thanks Snow White) walks away, but before she gets away the Prince yells “HEY!” And throws his sword at her. Yup. “HEY!” *sword throw*.

Anyway to speed through the rest of the plot real fast the witch ends up casting some big old spell over everyone and they all get transported to our world without any memory of who they are or why they’re there or who won super bowl 39.

As the show progresses we learn of Snow White's incredible fondness for very fake looking birds.

Except that is for Snow White’s… Snow Charming? I mean she is married after all right? Anyway Charming White sends her baby to our world through a magical wardrobe… wait a second… what’s that? …What? Oh that’s CS Lewis rolling over in his grave yelling “copyright” Sorry C.S. nothin’ I can do at this point man. Anyway they teleport Snow White’s daughter the “totally not inspired by twilight” Emma Swan to a different part of our world in the hopes that she’ll eventually come and save them all from the evil Queen/Witch who does remember who she is for reasons that are never really made entirely clear.

The Negatives: 

Okay let’s take a second and get down to the nitty gritty here. The first thing you need to know is that the acting in this show is (with very few exceptions) absolutely terrible. The Queen and Snow White (who you may have noticed from the introduction thing are sort of important) are probably the worst offenders though dishonorable mentions goes to a cameo by Maleficent (the bad witch from Cinderella) and Prince Charming who (despite having almost no dialogue) had me wanting to throw an enchanted sleeping Turnip at his overly scruffy face. I was honestly very very surprised by the utter horribleness demonstrated by 90 percent of the characters in the show. ABC generally does a good job with casting but all of the horrendous over acting and whiny attempts at conveying real emotions really hurt the show in my mind.

If Snow White lived in our world she would apparently really want to be Peter Pan.

The real culprit though. The creamy filling to this donut of dreary is a script that I’m convinced was written by a parrot. A drunk parrot. With a peg leg. Whose cage was being juggled by Hercules’s twin brother Failulese. Some highlights for you (in addition to the aforementioned “hey” debacle).

Maleficent: If you’re going to kill me… (long dramatic pause)… then kill me.

Me: Really? Oh okay. Well I was going to kill you but I guess I’ll just kill you then. I mean you can get by with that line if you just fly through it and hope the audience forgets it but having a long pause and then essentially repeating the line you just said is stupid… (long pause)… Stupid.

**********

Snow Charming: Where are you sending us?

Evil Queen/Witch: Some place horrible!?!?

Me: Really? Oh. Cause I thought you were second us to Disney world. Or potentially the Alps for our annual summer ski trip. But man… some place horrible? That seems… (long pause)… horrible. Like you’d think you were some sort of evil Queen witch thing or something. That’s it then, no Christmas Cards for you this year.

The Positrons:

Yes there were some good things this series had: the main character Emma Swan (as played by Jennifer Morrison of House M.D. fame) is actually well acted and decently interesting. Rumpelstiltskin  (played by Robert Carlyle) is very well done as well and probably the most interesting character out of the bunch.

Secondly, the idea behind Once Upon a Time is really really interesting. It’s poorly executed with the bad acting and patchwork writing job majorly dragging it down but buried underneath it all is a very cool idea.

In Conclusion:

I still feel… conflicted about this series on the whole. The acting is bad, the writing is worse but there is a very cool idea lurking in the background. Who knows maybe as the characters become better defined the writing will get better and the actors will start to feel a little more comfortable within their characters. And maybe not. If nothing else I’ll probably keep watching Once Upon A Time at least for a little while. It’s certainly not what I would call “great TV” but with Doctor Who gone for the season I suppose I’ve got a little room in my heart for fairy tales… (long pause)… fairy… (longer pause)… tales.