Posts Tagged ‘Noah’

Hello friend Internet, Fienternet as I will hopefully never call you again. Well… it’s still September… and September (in almost every meaning of the word) sucks. A lot. To death. No movies, rainy weather, not quite far enough into fall to have beautiful leaves or good coffee. It’s a terrible thing. Nobody is happy in September. So since I have no movies to review, have talked about video games, and even resorted to tearing apart Gone with the Wind out of sheer blog boredom. So now I will impart to you further wisdom, not just to make fun of old movies, or to talk about video games, but rather to help you, to guide you, to show you a better way to live. The redox way.

What’s in Redbox

The following is a list of stuff and things and stuff that are in Redbox. Some are good, some are bad, but pretty much all of them are better than spending ten dollars in a theater to watch something horrible.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier:

Right up there with Iron Man 1 as one of the best stand-alone Marvel hero movies out there. The plot is great, there’s a genuine sense of humor to it, and some of the best fight scenes around, a genuine pleasure to watch. Just don’t stare directly at Robert Redford’s old man ears. Those things will eat your brain.

Think Like a Man Too:

A bunch of people get together and make a bad sequel to a funny movie. On the plus side it’s got… Nope there’s not a plus side. Sorry, I tried.

Draft Day:

Kevin Costner and some people who don’t understand how the NFL draft works, make a movie about the NFL draft. Overall it’s a “meh” sort of movie but it is hilarious if you know how the actual NFL draft works.

"So... do you guys think we should research the actual NFL draft? Nah, we'll be okay right?"

“So… do you guys think we should research the actual NFL draft? Nah, we’ll be okay right?”

Barbie and the Secret Door:

Here’s the plot summary of this movie: A shy princess, Alexa, discovers a secret door in her kingdom and enters a whimsical land filled with magical creatures and surprises. Inside, Alexa meets Romy and Nori, a mermaid and a fairy, who explain that a spoiled ruler named Malucia is trying to take all the magic in the land. To her surprise, Alexa has magical powers in this world, and her new friends are certain that only she can restore their magic. Ha ha ha… oh man. That’s hilarious.

Divergent:

Divergent is a movie that’s a lot like the Hunger Games, except everyone is kind of a jerk and instead of being divided into 13 districts going from super rich to hilariously poor, things are divided into 5 houses going from smiley happy give you everything, all the way to murder-death everyone IN THE FACE!

 Oculus:

An above average horror movie starring Amy Pond… I mean Karen Gillan.

"Ummm... yeah, I'm not actually Amy Pond..."

“Ummm… yeah, I’m not actually Amy Pond…”

Brave:

A Disney movie starring a girl with hair that is practically its own country, brave is the story of Merida a girl whose mother is (for various and sundry reasons) a bear. And really what could be better than a Bear mom and a Scottish girl running around a magical fairy version of Scotland looking for something… that I do not remember.

Noah:

A movie so loosely based on Biblical events that it may or may not have ever actually read the Bible. Or even like…the Wikipedia version of the Bible.

Transformers (the Trilogy):

That’s right folks, the entire Transformers trilogy. For just 3 dollars you can entirely melt away your brain, soul, and (some studies have shown) portions of your kidneys. We do NOT under any circumstance recommend you watching these movies back to back. It will physically kill you. Your brain will smash out of your skull in a desperate attempt to escape the works of Michael Bay.

Basketball Girlfriend:

I have no idea what this movie is about… but it looks hilarious, and I’m just assuming here that there is a basketball player and that he has a girlfriend.

Vampire Academy:

Cause if there was anything our society needed  it was a movie about high school vampires who love each other and go to school.

Ha ha they suck at school... it's funny cause-- oh wait no it's not.

Ha ha they suck at school… it’s funny cause– oh wait no it’s not.

The Legend of Hercules:

Did you watch the Rock’s version of Hercules and think “Huh, well this is sort of a mediocre movie, but you know what I really want to see? A much much worse version of this!!” Well, you very weird person, this is the movie for you. Enjoy it!! Or don’t. Whichever of those you were hoping for.

47 Ronin:

Yup. Keanu Reeves horrifying brick-face. On the plus side for Keanu I recommend this movie over Transformers!! Any of the Transformers.

And finally:

The Art of the Steal:

This movie is on this list for one reason: Crunch Calhoun. Yup, the main character in this movie is Crunch Calhoun. Goodnight ladies and gentlemen.

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Hey the Internet! How’s the hpas? Haps the hows? And other things cool people say! This week is that awkward time in between when I watch awesome movies (like Captain America 2) and when I come up with something to actually blog about!! So while we wait for problem 1 to resolve itself and problem 2 to go away (probably never gonna happen) let’s take a look at this weeks box office and see what’s shaking!

Box Office Top Ten 4/14/14

10. Mr. Peabody and Sherman 

A movie about a time travelling dog and his child… is it just me or does that sound like some sort of dream that a seven year old had?? “Mom, I dreamed our dog was Dad and we flew back in time to see the Trojan army and their leader sounded like Kronk!!” Anyway it’s supposed to be a decent film though it’s not quite my “Kids movie special” for the week as that distinction goes to…

9. Muppets Most Wanted

This one!! Yay the muppets. I’m glad I live in a world where the Muppets are back!! Back in all their random, crazy cameod, frogs and pigs somehow falling in love and that not being SUPER creepy, awesomeness. Though I sort of ruined it now didn’t I? … ew.

8. The Grand Budapest Hotel

It’s a Wes Anderson movie. It’ll be weird and charming and have lots of humor punctuated by awkward silences and quirky people. If you like Wes Anderson movies then yay. If not then continue as you were. Wes Anderson has made a career out of appealing to a niche audience and he seems completely okay with continuing to do that. Kind of like me!! Except my niche is four people on a blog, and his niche is millions of people… but whatever… we’re very similar.

Because it's a Wes Anderson film... that's why.

Because it’s a Wes Anderson film… that’s why.

7. God’s Not Dead

I do not know what this movie is about… something about a philosophy class and a student… and things. That said at least it’s not a movie that tries to simultaneously teach biblical truths while featuring battles between huge rock monsters/fallen angels. Speaking of which…

6. Noah

I’m really not gonna get into the controversy on Noah. I’m just not. Just know that if you’re looking for the book of Noah to be realized on film (yes that was a Bible joke) this is NOT that movie. That movie does not exist. Let’s face one thing right now: if you made a movie based only on the Bible events of Noah that movie would be roughly thirty minutes long and not all that exciting. Now… does that mean your Noah movie has to feature rock monsters battling it out with an army of Roman soldiers and cat people?? Probably not… and I only made up some of those.

"I'm getting on that boat!!!... Assuming I'm in the movie..."

“I’m getting on that boat!!!… Assuming I’m in the movie…”

5. Divergent 

This movie’s still around!! And hey I posted a full review of this already! I still don’t really understand the cast system but beyond that it’s all good! People punch each other and jump off of trains for inexplicable reasons and there’s a magical instant tattoo machine run by Maggie Q.

4. Draft Day 

This is a movie about the Browns. NFL football franchise. The Browns. What more do you need to know? It’ll probably start out really well with a lot of promise and then mid-way through it will blow out it’s knee, forget how to throw strikes, or sign with Miami… sorry for that Cleveland.

3. Oculus

Yes it’s a horror movie… but it’s a horror movie starring Karen Gillan (Amy from Doctor Who)!! It’s like an episode of Doctor Who but without the Doctor and horrifyingly more terrible and bloody and horrendous… So not really that much like an episode of Doctor Who… also I miss Doctor Who.

sniff....

sniff….

2. Rio 2

This is one of those movie series that everyone seems to love… but nobody seems to have watched. If you’ve watched Rio OR Rio 2 raise your hands… see that? No one. I assume.

1. Captain America: The Winter Soldier

I haven’t seen this… I refuse to spoil it for myself… But everyone loves this movie. Comic book nerds, regular people with actual lives, EVERYONE. Every. Mothers. Son.

So that’s it guys, the top ten. And hopefully upon Thursday I will review ye old Captain America! See you then!!