Posts Tagged ‘Nicolas Cage’

Well hey Internet and welcome to another thrilling and chilling month of December. That’s right, December, the last month of 2016. And with all due respect to 2016: let’s just get this mess done shall we? Once Star Wars comes out I’m good with just skipping to the end of the year guys. Just beam me right up on our of here! But what better way to leasurely pass the time till then, than a heaping helping portion of:

The Weekly Headlines 12/15/2016

So first things first guys: Star Wars: Rogue One (A Star Wars Story: From Star Wars, and Stories) has gotten pretty dang good reviews!! That’s right fellow nerds and nerdettes, it’s safe. This isn’t Episodes 1-3 where you’ll go to a theatre and sit for 2 hours as your childhood hopes and dreams are crushed. It’s all okay. Fanboy/girl out!! We put George Lucas away, okay? He’ll never hurt you again.

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Apparently she fell asleep on a VERY uncomfortable pillow before this picture was taken.

 

The Cruella de Vil movie found it’s director in Alex Timbers this week. I mean… I’m still VERY wary of this because we all remember Maleficent, which was the last time Disney did a solo villain movie, and that movie was VERY bad. Just a train wreck of sight and sound. Hopefully this movie doesn’t feel the need to turn Cruella into some sort of tragically misunderstood villainess who… I don’t know… how exactly do you justify wanting to make a bunch of puppies into a coat and then stealing those puppies?? I mean all Maleficent wanted to do was… umm… what did Maleficent want? I mean she didn’t get invited to that party but… no that was it. Anyway, to summarize: this probably won’t be very good.

The next (and 8th) Fast and the Furious movie, “Fate of the Furious” or (and brace yourselves for this) “F8 of the Furious” released its first trailer this week. Look, I don’t understand why these movies keep getting made but at the same time they do maintain a certain level of “marginal watch-ability.” People drive cars, people punch things, people say things about family in growly voices. That’s basically the plot of every one of these movies except for “Tokyo Drift” which we all have universally decided to pretend never happened. But anyway, F8 of the Furious is happening, and I look forward to it’s inevitable sequel: “The Fast and the F9.”

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F8 of the Furious: Battle of the Balds

 

Oh hey: Moana is still number 1 at the theater. Disney basically has owned the box office since Dr. Strange came out at the beginning of November. Why do other people keep making movies at this point?

Oh other hey, remember how I said Office Christmas Party would be dumb and stupid despite its good cast? It is.

The first trailer for The Mummy starring itty bitty Tom Cruise came out recently and… I don’t know guys. It could be good? I’ve been fooled twice now by this “bring the classic monster movies” movement. The new Dracula and Frankenstein were both passable, but neither ever really reached super entertaining levels. So we’ll just see what happens with the Lady Mummy movie. Also: is Tom Cruise aging backwards somehow?? His face just looks… weird. Like they’re doing that CGI de-aging thing but hit the wrong button at some point. It’s downright unnerving.

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Is there Visine for that?

 

This has been a very un-Christmasy post so let me throw out some holiday cheer real fast: I still freekin’ hate the movie Elf. Sorry. It’s a long standing, deeply rooted loathing. It shall never be fixed. It shall never be sated.

Oh also: this movie is still happening!! So be excited about that at least!

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In less good news: you know how I said Collateral Beauty could be really good?? It really is not. Just throwing that info out there for everyone. It’s very not good, I’m sorry I talked about it so much. Frankly I’m sorry I’m talking about it right now. So I’ll probably stop at some point. Soon. Soon-ish.

In even other trailer news, Nicolas Cage’s new movie “Arsenal” and… OOOOHHH boy is it a fun train wreck of happenings!! I mean… just… the hair and the mustache and the complete and utter serenity to the great and ancient god of madness. He’s just… he’s just insane. Legitimately. Insane. And it’s wonderful.

Oh: also there’s a new trailer for Despicable Me 3… cause the gods apparently hate us all.

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WWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????

 

And there you have it friends and countrymen! The weekly headlines! I’ll see you next week when I promise I will give in more fully to the Christmas madness.

 

Well hey Internet, and happy days. As we continue our transition from summer to fall, from youth to comfortable middle age, from fresh pizza to the in some ways even more tasty cold pizza, we find ourselves heading towards a black hole of uninteresting movies (at least until the magnificent seven comes out) and so what are we to turn to in our time of entertainment need?? Well… maybe… Monopoly?? Family… times??? Redbox?? Let’s go with Redbox, I’m not qualified to write on monopoly, and I love family times as much as the next guy but… this isn’t that blog. So let’s see the top 5 and (the far more fun) bottom 5 of what’s going on right now, in that big red box.

Top 5 in Redbox

These aren’t necessarily in worst to best order or anything like that, just five movies worth checking out as you wait for someone to wake you up, when September ends.

The Jungle Book

The Jungle Book (1967)

No no. Not that one, the one with the graphics and the plotline, and the less singing.

 

Great movie! Awesome voice cast, stunning visuals, very well acted! Sure it’s a repeat, but it’s a really solid, great movie, that the whole family can enjoy! Boy, this is fun huh? What a great month to rent a movie, I’m sure there won’t be a precipitous dive in movie quality at all!!! Let’s move on to that next great movie shall we?

… Oh… Oh no… Umm… okay hang on umm…

Umm… Race??? I guess.

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Just the post Olympics, Olympic movie we’ve been waiting for.

 

Race is a really good movie but… it came out a good while ago, guys, I’d frankly be surprised if it were actually IN any redbox’s. But if you can find it, you go for it! It’s the shizzle!! But you may have (brace yourselves) run out of time!!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??? Maybe sort of… A better than average movie, starring the fantastic Tina Fey and Martin Freeman! And yes, we’re already settling for “better than average.”

It’s worth mentioning that Zootopia is in Redbox, but that’s also coming to Netflix next month so… unless you have a REALLY strong desire to see a fox and a rabbit talk to a sheep in front of a computer… you can probably wait a week or so.

And that’s about it guys. Those were the good movies I could find… those three movies. Maybe consider actually learning the rules to Monopoly, you may need them.

The Bottom 5:

And now onto a list that it was hard to make not because there were too few options, but because there were far FAAAARRRR to many. I had to leave a movie with Amanda Seyfried (my least favorite person in Hollywood) entirely off this list!! Where is the justice in this world?!?!

The Boss

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The Boss, cause Melissa McCarthy needed a new garage.

 

An unambitious, unfunny comedy featuring two very talented ladies (Kristen Bell and Melissa McCarthy) suffereing through a bland, uninteresting, almost tortuously boring movie. The only person who cared about this movie less than the audiences who watched it, were the people who starred in it.

Batman V. Superman

Somewhere, in some alternate universe this was a good movie. A couple different decisions, maybe a better writer and a different director… the bones for a good movie are here, but (as the old song says) dem bones, dem bones, dem dry unappealing, overly mopey movie bones.

Trust

Okay if you want to see just the utter and final breakdown of Nic Cages slow, years long spiral into insanity. This is it. A movie so mind numbingly bad it very literally snapped whatever tiny strand of sanity Nicolas Cage had left. If you like hilariously bad movies: this is the one for you. If you like hilarious bad posters, here you go:

trust

Yup… this is a real thing.

 

The Divergent Series: Allegiant

A movie so bland, and mailed in it may have literally killed the entire franchise. Literally they may move this entire series to TV now just because audiences cared about it so little. “Maybe,” they thought “if we make the movie free, break it up into dozens of pieces, and pipe it directly into their  homes, they’ll like our movie!” Just as a spoiler: They will not like it.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

In an age and time filled with unnecessary reboots and sequels, it seems only fitting to end this article with the most unnecessary sequel of all! And it’s double points cause it was also about twenty years too late. So bask in the glory MBFGW 2. In a time of great suckitude, your suck has risen to the top! Go you.

Well guys… brace yourselves for September, hold you loved ones close, and check back Thursday when I break down the top 10 westerns of all time!

Sometimes in life you come to a crossroads. A fork in the road. Two roads that diverge into a yellow wood and another incredibly simply but oddly different road that also leads into yellowed woods: because Vermont.

I feel like we’re at that point now with Nicolas Cage. I remember a time when we took Nic Cage movies at least somewhat seriously. I mean he was in The Rock (great), Con Air (iffy but good), National Treasure (yay!), National Treasure 2 (yay?), and ummm… well that’s it I guess. Hang on let me double check… Face Off?? City of Angels? Umm… the Croods was good…

Here's a picture of Nicolas Cage looking respectable... whatever happened to that guy?

Here’s a picture of Nicolas Cage looking respectable… whatever happened to that guy?

Okay so maybe he was never really the 100 percent celebrity actor level guy but you at least took him seriously. When someone said “Hey there’s a new movie coming out with Nicolas Cage in it!!” You thought: “Oh I wonder if that will be good?” Rather then instantly adding it to the list of movies you will only ever watch late at night with a bunch of people who just want to make fun of a movie.

I mean watch this:

That’s right… Nicolas Cage (who ruined the admittedly shoddily scripted, impressively CGI’d Ghost Rider franchise)  and Hayden Christenson (who ruined the admittedly shoddily scripted, impressively CGI’d Star Wars prequel franchise) together… on the screen… at the same time. In a movie that basically seems to have a plot that boils down to: “Only these white people can save China!!” Cage’s character is literally known as “the White Ghost” in this movie. I’m calling racism and making this movie re-play the third down.

The weird thing is that Christenson and Cage seem to be actively competing to see who can ruin this movie more. Christenson going with his standard “moping, pouting, whining, terribleness,” while Cage goes with his wheelhouse: “complete raging insanity.” The only accurate way to describe how bad “Outcast” is, is to tell you it stars those two people and that it’s a movie about ancient China made by a French-Canadian-Chinese conglomerate film company. What are Canadiens doing making a Chinese movie?? Stick to what you know Canada: nature documentaries, annoying pop singers, and awesome donut/coffee places.

And before that, Mr. Cage was in the abominably bad “Left Behind: Cause We Didn’t Completely Ruin it the First Time” re-boot. A movie so bad it got a 2% on RottenTomatoes.com. A movie so bad people who watched it lost the ability to form coherent sentences for DAYS after it’s seeing it out of sheer terror that they may in some way indicate they wanted to watch the movie again.

So what happened Nic? Did you make the wrong friends? Did you stop reading the scripts people gave you and just agree to be in any and all movies? Is this a dare? Did someone double dog dare you just to take on every script conceivably handed to you at any point? Just stop, re-think your life!! We’re all rooting for we! We enjoy your receding hairline, your odd speech tambour, your inexplicable ability to sound like a raving lunatic regardless of what you’re actually saying. Come back to us Nic… we miss you.

I feel bad guys… I don’t want to leave you with just the trailer for Outcast and me yelling at Nicolas Cage like a particularly upset grandmother telling her meandering grandchild that he’s “Not just a boy who eats glue and runs into the wall holding a pencil up his nose.” Here… watch this awesome trailer for an awesome movie of awesomeness.

Yep. Great trailer. Mind you the last Hitman movie had a pretty good trailer and it was terrible. Video game movies have generally not done well as far as, ya know, being more entertaining then throwing cardboard at a dead pheasant but there’s always hope right? And that’s a great trailer.

It went to the Liam Neeson school of “gritty voice phrases and then shoot somebody” and it graduated with honors. And hey look it’s Spock!! I mean Sylar!! I mean… Zachary Quinto. And he’s ya know… an actor. Mostly.

And in the continuing adventures of me randomly jumping from subject to subject: Rest in peace Leonard Nimoy. You lived an amazing life and were gone from us too soon.

Oh Monday. There are Mondays, and then there are Mondays after a week of vacation where you never once so much as thought the words “up at 7” let alone achieved that grizzly, horrible, terrible goal. Ew. I feel sick just thinking about it and thinking about that I’m doing it while feeling sick thinking about it? Uh.

Anyway, my whiny, moany first world problem aside let’s talk about some movies shall we? Or, more accurately, movie. Or, yay unto even more accurately:

Micah Reviews: The Croods

A cave-man family. Great... now I'm gonna have the Adams family song stuck in my head all day... and now you will too. Tee-hee.

A cave-man family. Great… now I’m gonna have the Adams family song stuck in my head all day… and now you will too. Tee-hee.

Wow… I don’t think that’s ever rhymed before. Weird… … what we were talking about? Oh yeah. The Croods reviews.

You may or may not remember this but I was actually kinda down on the Croods while it was in theaters. In fact to briefly quote my high and honored self I called it: “A fairly generic looking family comedy thing about a cave-family that goes on journey to somewhere for something that I probably don’t care about.” I then proceeded to say that other people who had watched it had said it was good but that I wasn’t particularly interested.

So, was I write to be dubious or is The Croods a diamond in the old cave man typed rough?

The Plot:

The Croods is a movie (ironically enough) about a family called the Croods. The Croods (Ugh, Grugh, Mug, Chug, Bug, and Alexander… Believe it or not two of those are the real names of characters in this movie) live (as you might expect from cave men (in a cave).  They like the cave, they hug the cave, the cave is (for lack of a better term) their homeboy. Except that is for the young precocious sexy voiced (but ugly bodied) daughter who I will call Popa (Editor’s note: don’t ask.) Popa wants more than this provincial life, she wants to explore whole new worlds, and see what’s around the river bend, and while she is doing this one night she meets Guy, a guy. Guy says some strange things about the world ending and “fire” and how one day people will regard Justin Timberlake as a serious actor and Popa is (understandably perhaps) intrigued.

Her father who really for real is named Grug disapproves of this newcomer with his noticeable lack of shirt and boyish good looks but when massive earthquakes massively shake the massive cave they all live in he is given little choice but to embark with his family, guy, and a rotating cast of interesting animals on a journey to self-discovery, to family togetherness, and to modern indoor plumbing.

I get this exact same expression from pretty girls after one of my legendary all Pancake Karate demonstrations.

I get this exact same expression from pretty girls after one of my legendary all Pancake Karate demonstrations.

The Positives:

First off you can’t talk about the Croods without talking about some of the very very cool monster designs that they use in the movie. It’s like they took a picture of two modern animals, then drank forty red bulls and banged their head on a desk before mashing the two together. Half owl half panther? Most def. Two lemurs with their tails glued together?? Sure!! A bird mixed with a crocodile? For surelio!! Every animals is handled with care and imagination and it really gives you something to look at each time a new creature is brought to the screen.

For instance this tiny mouselephant, which begs the question if this is half mouse half elephant is this thing afraid of itself?

For instance this tiny mouselephant, which begs the question: if this is half mouse half elephant is this thing afraid of itself?

The family dynamic is played pretty well and the voice acting is really solid. Nic Cage, Emma Stone, and Ryan Reynolds really bring a ton of life to their characters and the dialogue is funny and touching in all the right places. It won’t have you in stitches or in tears but it does enough of both to make you connect with the characters and really appreciate what’s going on in the film.

Finally it’s just a very distinct movie, it really knows what it wants to do, executes it well, and gives you a lot to look at while it’s doing it. It ticks off all the boxes of a sort of “semi-generic family movie” but it also pushes the boundaries a little bit into becoming its own thing and presenting you with its own world. It’s not gonna blow you away with ingenuity but neither will it leave you sleeping away while it tells the same story you’ve heard before.

The Negatrons:

The last statement of positives is also half a negative. The movie rings a little generic which isn’t a bad thing per se but isn’t a great thing either. Yeah… I’m confused by that sentence too.

I don’t want to give away too much but I felt like there was a lot of talk about “finding a paradise” and stuff which was either completely ignored or just kind of… forgotten. It was just really weird cause you felt like the movie was building toward a plot point where either everyone got what they want or everyone learned to cope with the fact that they weren’t getting what they wanted but the movie just sort of ended without going either direction. Once again I didn’t feel like it was a huge deal but it was a deal… or no deal…. Or something. Let’s move on shall we?

In conclusion:

The Croods is a great family film with a very interesting world and a great balance between hitting your funny bone and pulling at your heartstrings. It doesn’t break new ground or make any deep statements with its “paradise” motif but it is still a good movie set in a very very interesting world.

I give it 3 Popas out of 5.

 Thanks for reading everyone, check back Thursday when I will maybe hopefully, kind of probably, review Man of Steel…. Assuming I have watched it by then.