Posts Tagged ‘movie review’

Well Internet, I hath returned. Like warm spring mornings after a cold winter. Like the gossamer leaves of a mighty oak after a long fall. Like indigestion after an oe’r hastily eaten meal. I’m back, and I bring with me, like the rarest of spices from the orient, a review. A movie review, of a pretty okay movie.

Micah Reviews: X-men: Apocalypse.

Ah the X-men franchise, the great grandfather of the super hero franchise. Unlike the great Grandmother of the super-hero franchise (Spiderman) the X-men franchise seems to be plugging along just fine. It had a few rough years there with X-men 3 and Wolverine: Origins but it was re-invigorated by X-men: First Class, and the follow up X-men: Days of Future Past was a solid (albeit less inventive) entry into the series. So can Apocalypse keep the X-men franchise rolling? Or does this series need yet another shot of new blood?


Worst family photo ever.

The Plot:

So… many and many a year ago in a Kingdom by the Sea, there was a mutant named umm… Something Egyptiany. And he was the king!! For reasons. But it seems not everyone was super okay being ruled by a giant blue man with weird looking armor , and so (in typical Egyptian fashion) they dropped a Pyramid on him. Cause that’s how they be triangulating.


That’ll give you a headache.

Many MANY years later some people digging around under Egypt unearth his tomb and thus an extremely predictable, and uninteresting sequence of events is set into motion. Over the course of these events many and many bland people will do things in a bland way, for bland and uninteresting purposes. It’s a joy and a thrill…Assuming you have never EVER been to the movies, or seen a movie.

The Positives:

Look, there’s nothing incredibly broken with this movie. But there’s also nothing especially good about any one part of it. But because I went to all the trouble of typing “The Positives” up there I guess I have to come up with something. The cast is probably the strongest thing this movie, Michael Fassbender and James McCavoy are just locked into these characters and do some genuinely good work. The rest of the cast does well on the whole but, honestly, most of them just don’t have anything to do. Very few characters go through any meaningful change, or show any real emotional range, and it really doesn’t matter who the actor is if all he or she is being asked to do is stare blankly ahead at something.


These people will do… something??? Maybe.

The Negatrons:

There’s no one thing that makes X-men: Apocalypse not work. It’s not even really a bad movie, it’s just a movie that doesn’t seem to care that much. The word you’re gonna read a lot here is gonna be “lazy” it’s a VERY lazy movie. For instance:

The script just feels tired and uninterested. Characters regularly and clearly state their intents or powers. “I’m telepathic, that means I can hear what people say” says Jean Grey when asked about her powers. “Unleash Havoc!!” Says Professor X when trying to get Havoc to unleash his powers. It’s like they wrote a very rough draft and then never went back to refine the lines. The same can be said for the story here which is basically exactly what you think it will be from the trailers. It never deviates or twists at all except for the inevitable “Magneto is evil, is Magneto really evil???” Storyline which ends exactly like it has the last three times we saw it. It’s not a bad storyline, it’s just a lazy one that unfolds exactly like you think it should and ends (like you expect it to) with everyone working together.

The fight scenes also ring of laziness not relying on any sort of finesse or choreography, but instead involving a light of quick cuts and people shooting beams at each other. It’s not poorly done or uninteresting, but it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.

The movie does have two big problems: the first is it just has too many characters. And because of that it doesn’t really get to spend time developing any of them. Everyone just sort of stands around and waits for their turn to have an emotion but you never really get a sense for who any of them are or why we should care about them. We spend so much time bouncing around between characters and locations that none of it really has any sticking power at all and it leaves an already uninspired movie to try and muddle through with an uninteresting cast of characters.

But the biggest problem with X-men: Apocalypse is, in point of fact, Apocalypse himself. We spend a huge chunk of our time with him and all of it feels wasted. He just sort of looks at things with his unreadable blue face and occasionally gives long speeches in a monotone voice that relay the same information through out. “Stop touching my things” Apocalypse says over and over and over again. He’s just a big blue block of nothing and for some reason the makers of X-men thought he was fantastic. If Marvel is looking for a blue print (pun intended) on how not to do Thanos, this is it. Basically the movie became those parents who think they’re child is the best recorder player ever, and so you have to sit and listen to them play “hot cross buns” over and over and over again except in this case the recorder is a huge, blue, block of uninteresting blue cheese.


Worst recorder… ever.

In conclusion:

X-men: Apocalypse isn’t a terrible movie. It’s not Fantastic Four or Batman V Superman, it has a strong cast, good visuals, and it’s not a terrible story at its core. That said, it doesn’t do anything with any of those elements, the cast is under-utilized, the visuals have been done before, and the story is crippled by a very uninteresting villain and stiff dialogue.

I give it 3 Blue Recorders out of 5.

Well Internet, we made it. It took us the better part of four years, an almost astonishingly mishandled trailer release, and about a billion pages worth of angry internet people spouting opinions into the cosmos. But we made it. There’s no cute little intro to this, no section where I talk about puppies and chicklets and list my favorite nonviolent dinosaurs. This is business, grim, nasty, somewhat unpleasant business… kind of like…

Micah Reviews: Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice.


Batman V Superman V The Internet: The Real Conflict


Over the years (yes yearS) since this movie was announced it’s mostly been bad news. I didn’t really like the title, didn’t like the constant “this Justice League member will be in it, oh and THAT one, and that one,” and really didn’t like the trailers. But a few weeks ago I decided to try my best to put all this behind me, and go into the movie with an open mind, an open heart, and someone else’s open bag of skittle (cause a guys gotta eat.) So, did Batman V Superman award my attempt at open mindedness, and light snack theft?? Meh.

The Plot:

So it’s about 18 months after the events of “Man of Steel” AKA “That Time Superman Destroyed That City and Killed A LOT of People.” Bruce Wayne/Batman is doing his thing in Gotham, Superman is doing his thing… kinda everywhere. But the two are set on a collision course where they will inevitably have NO choice but to fight each other… kind of. I mean if either of them had said I don’t know… three words?? Back and forth they could have cleared the whole thing up pretty easily but they were REAL busy making mopey faces at each other so you can see where they would have been too busy.

super stand

“Sorry, if I spoke I might show some emotion. And that would simply not do.”


Meanwhile Lex Luthor is trying to destroy Superman and then umm… somehow benefit from that??? I guess. Look, I can’t go too much into this without spoiling things in the movie but for those of you who thought: “I bet Zach Snyder didn’t reveal the entire plot of the movie in that trailer” you were mostly wrong. There’s one or two things here that will moderately to slightly MAYBE  surprise you. If you’re not paying attention to large parts of the movie. That said, I don’t want to spoil anything too much here so we’ll move on to the pros and cons section.

The Positives:

Okay so there are some things this movie does well primarily (kind of) Batman. Couple really cool action sets with Batman and on the whole I think Ben Affleck did a really good job with it. That said (and I can’t spoil anything here so I won’t be specific) Batman himself is someone horribly misportrayed here. He does a LOT of very unBatman things, which aren’t just concerning for this movie but for all the movies from here on out. You can practically see Zack Snyder running around a room painting Batman into a corner… it’s just… it’s really weird. And unnecessary… maybe we’ll talk about this more in a spoilers section down below. I enjoyed Batman here and I really did like Batfleck it’s just… you wonder if Snyder really knows who Batman is or what makes him and his villains (one in particular) intriguing.


You have beautiful eyes.


The fight scenes are good. Batman vs. Superman itself is cool (though shorter than I thought/hoped it would be) and the fight with a certain person whose appearance was spoiled in the trailer is… fine. Kind of CG and hard to see exactly what was going on, but they were strong on the whole.

I thought the look of the movie was cool, like the costumes and the powers look good.

Really the cast does well. They don’t have much to do, but they do well.

The Negatrons:

This movie is… just a mess. The plot doesn’t make sense. The reason Batman and Superman fight each other is completely avoidable and the reason they stop fighting is literally laughable. Lex Luthor’s plot is really vague and even if he succeeds you’re not sure exactly what good it will do him. Wonder Woman just sort of flits in and out and while I liked her character she didn’t really add or subtract anything from the movie. She was just sort of there.

The world still doesn’t work for me. And not just cause it’s grim (as I’ve said before) I’m fine with a grim super hero world. DC shouldn’t just make other Marvel movies, they should do their own thing, and a more dark world could definitely work. This one doesn’t. Cause it’s not just dark it’s utterly joyless. The heroes mope and pout and growl at each other. A building explodes and Superman just kind of stands there looking grim at things rather than… I don’t know, doing something.

Lex Luthor (one of the things I thought could work in this movie) REALLY didn’t. Not cause of Jesse Eissenberg, who was fine, but because his character just didn’t work. He fell into that classic Marvel movie villain trope where halfway through the movie he just kind of went insane for no reason. Lex Luthor is supposed to be this charismatic character who beats people by outthinking them, and out inventing them. He’s dangerous because he’s so thoughtful and methodic. He’s not yet another Joker rip-off whose plan is basically “let’s do this thing and hopefully it will hurt some people, and benefit me somehow!!!”


“I don’t know… Why don’t we jus throw a bunch of chemicals in there and see if it magically creates that Golden Goose I’ve heard so much about.”


In conclusion:

In the end Batman V Superman is basically what we thought it would be. It’s basically Man of Steel with Batman. If you really liked Man of Steel, than you’ll really like this, and that’s fine. You do you. If, like me, you were underwhelmed by Man of Steel but not completely appalled by it, then that’s what this will do. I enjoyed BvS, but I didn’t enjoy it a lot. I thought it was fine, there was just enough cool comic book action to help me get over the blah world and characters. I certainly don’t regret watching it, but I probably will never watch it again.

I give it 2 Mopey Heroes, out of 5.

So there you go guys, it was a LOOOONG time coming. But we made it. And in the end… I guess it was worth it?? Maybe. And now one brief spoiler section on Batman so if you care about such things PLEASE stop reading here.

Seriously though, stop.

For reals.

Here we go.


You’ve been warned, Citizen.


So… Batman kills people. Like a lot of people… with guns and bullets and things. WHAT??? Now look, Batman has always killed some people. I mean he punches people and drives a huge tank around after villains, invariably he will kill some people. He’s also killed some people VERY deliberately before. It’s something that has happened. But always at the core of Batman is the no kill rule (also no guns but… I mean let’s not get crazy with keeping true to the source material huh?) Batmans no kill rule is what makes him unique. Without that he’s just a rich guy, murdering dudes while dressed like a lunatic. It is also (and this is my main gripe) at the core of a lot of his relationships with his villains ESPECIALLY the Joker. The classic line from the Dark Knight about “an unstoppable force, meeting an immovable object’ is what Batman vs. the Joker is all about. If Batman is willing to kill people by say, murdering them with a chain gun mounted on the Batwing, or dragging their car behind the Batmobile like a Miley Cyrus wrecking ball, then him not just murdering the Joker and all his other villains is downright irresponsible. How can you make a Batman movie without that central internal conflict??? It’s just weird. And dumb. So I don’t know whether future Batman movies will just ignore all this and bring back Batman’s no kill rule, or whether they’ll try and somehow give us a weird reason Batman won’t kill the main villains but it just doesn’t make sense. So thanks, Zach Snyder, not only did you kinda ruin Batman V Superman, but you’ve succeeded in kind of ruining future Batman movies. Thanks a lot.