Posts Tagged ‘Mission Impossible’

Well hello good buddies and internet friends, and welcome to another thrilling, chilling, and trilling entry into the ever growing pantheon of:

Best of the Worst

That’s right! It’s time for us to get back to our roots and compare the worst movie from two franchises and find out which one is really the worst. Today, in honor of the Fate of the Furious being released and maybe finally not running commercials for itself every two seconds of every minute of my life, we’ll be comparing it, to that long standing, long Tom Cruise running shot featuring series, Mission Impossible.

Mission Impossible 2: Best Hair, Worst Movie.


So much good hair… so much worse movie.


I just want to take a second and be very clear about something: this is in no way an attack on Mr. Cruise’s hair in the major motion picture: Mission Impossible 2. Mr. Cruise’s hair is a shining long locked bastion, lighting the way to good hair dos everywhere. Thank you, hair.

That said: Mission Impossible 2 is a very bad movie. So bad it basically killed the franchise until the great franchise saver JJ Abrams deigned to sprinkle some of his rejuvinatory juices on it. The plot makes no real sense, the ending is just a huge comedic sequence where 4 different people are wearing masks, and there’s just a lot of weird unnecessary slo-motion shots involving flips and motor cycles and sunglasses exploding. (Very cool sunglasses… just for the record.) It’s a movie that really wanted to be the Matrix but had to deal with the problematic factor that it was in no way the Matrix. The storyline has something to do with a virus and Tom Cruises girlfriend who he basically instantly forgets about in favor of a much more grounded character in 3. MI2 is a classic example of someone coming into a franchise so desperate to put their stamp on it that they entirely forgot what the actual thing they were supposed to be doing was. At no point does it feel like an actual Mission Impossible movie, which is not something that (for the record) is super hard to achieve.

I give it 2 unnecessary mask reveals, out of 5.

And opposing MI2 is a movie so bad that the Fast and the Franchise movies have literally just decided to pretend never EVER happened. That’s right: it was too bad, for the Fast and the Furious.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Filming Discounts


Like an unfortunate car decal: this movie’s badness sticks with you.


You want to know who the best actor in Tokyo drift is?? Lil’ Bow Wow. I’m not joking. He’s actually not even that bad in it, and in the world of Tokyo Drift being ‘Not Bad’ basically makes you Daniel Day Lewis. The main character (not Lil’ Bow Wow) is played by a white male Walmart Manikin named Sean Boswell who has come to Tokyo for reasons I cannot even begin to care about. He loves to race though. Boy does he love to race. That’s literally all you need to know about this cardboard cutout of a human with a “Boy Am I From the South” trucker hat on his head. Actually you should probably also know that he is VERY bad at racing but that for some reason people continually show an interest in his burgeoning racing career to the point where they teach what is apparently the ultimate solution to all of his personal and career problems: the ability to go around a corner in a motor vehicle.


A movie that repeatedly asks you to believe that the pile of mashed potatoes in the passenger seat of this car is an actual human being.


The real kicker of TFatF:TD though is that the rest of the Fast franchise couldn’t even decide where it went in the “chronology” of Fast and the Furious. And yes, Fast and the Furious does have a chronology. See, technically Tokyo Drift was released as the 3rd movie but when the FF people decided to start forming a super team they knew they definitely didn’t want the main character from Tokyo Drift so they decided to use one of the secondary characters who (regretfully) died in that movie. This meant that they had to push Tokyo Drift back until later, specifically, until Fast and the Furious 7 a full four movies after it actually took place. Confused?? You should be. But that’s what you have to do when you make a movie that stars a rock with the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama painted on it.

I give it 1 Faceless Stars, out of 5.

So there you go guys: the prize for worst movie goes to Tokyo Drift, cause at least MI2 had that good good Tom Cruise hair.

I’ll probably do a mailbag on Thursday so send in your question to and hey, why not check out my podcast that I do with my good buddy Nate over here!


Well hello Internet, and welcome to Thursday or (as it will henceforth be known) Spythsday!!!— Okay yeah that didn’t work out. Sorry, kinda got ahead of myself there. Just… just forget I said anything okay.

So with the recent new trailer for Specter (James Bonds new movie in which I still irrationally believe that Andrew Scott ends up being the real villain cause he’s awesome in Sherlock and should be the real villain in EVERY movie… what was I saying?…) Oh yeah, so with the new trailer for Specter, the new Mission Impossible movie coming out in a few weeks AND the new Man from UNCLE coming out whenever the heck that comes out I got to thinking: “Spy movies are great!!” I thought. “But I wonder who is the best spy? The spyee-est spy of them all!! I wonder if I pressed the center button, and bold typed myself up some font if I could call a blog post—“

The Ultimate Movie Spy Showdown

Them rules: Locked room fight. We drop the spys into the rooms and each person gets one weapon of choice that he can carry on his body, no cars that fire sharks or whatever. Fight is to the death, and with the characters ‘in their prime’ as it twir.

So that’s it for the rules, at least for the moment. Pretty cut and dry on the whole. But before we can settle in for our main event we have to settle a smaller match to figure out which incarnation of a certain character character gets to represent said character. So why not start with:

James Bond

Okay so we drop all of Bonds various incarnations into one locked room, give them each a martini and let them duke it out. Who wins in this epic battle? Who takes home the trophy after a struggle of monumental proportions??? Who could possibly— yeah it’s pretty much just Daniel Craig isn’t it?? I mean we all know Pierce Brosnan’s Bond steps into the room says something smarmy and sexist and immediately gets murdered by everyone else, so he’s out. Roger Moore goes next taking his large stomach paunch with him. Lazenby and Niven realize that no one actually remembers who they are and mutually kill each other with their bowties, and after that it’s just Connery, Dalton, and Craig. I figure Connery probably goes next as he tries to find the button that makes his pants turn into jelly or the ejector seat for the room and then Craig finishes off Dalton through the sheer force of his very tiny blond haircut.

I said shaken, not earthquaked.

I said shaken, not earthquaked.

Seriously though: this isn’t even a fight right??? I mean have you seen Daniel Craig’s Bond?? That dude doesn’t mess around. All the other Bonds are all like “Well, we seemed to have been dropped into a sudden death match? Isn’t that clonefusing!!!” And while their all making puns and smiling wryly at imaginary women, Craig is just having neck snappy party times.

Now that we have our Bonds in order let’s take a look at our other three contestants from around the cinematic universe shall we?

In Corner Number 1 hailing from somewhere he probably doesn’t remember: it’s Jason Bourne of the Bourne movies. Featuring great movies such as, Bourne: Identity, Bourne: Alt-Tomato, and Bourne: Yup, Another Bourne Movie. We’re going with Jason Bourne here and not that other guy who was in a Bourne movie but wasn’t Jason Bourne. Cause none of that idea made any sense. Jason Bourne is a man with amnesia, he enjoys not remembering the things he enjoys, and stabbing people with household objects.

Jason Bourne a great spy, but an even better house inspector.

Jason Bourne a great spy, but an even better housing inspector.

Mr. Bourne’s weapon of choice for today’s fight is a Bic Pen.

In Corner Number 2 we have of course Mr. Ethan Hunt from the Mission Impossible franchise. A franchise made up of movies like Mission Impossible 1: Who Is Tom Cruise??, Mission Impossible 3: The Short Hair Years, Mission Impossible 4: That One With the Building, and Mission Impossible 2: This Movie Didn’t Happen… We Promise. Mr. Hunt is a master of having a machine that makes hilariously accurate masks for him, running and running and running and running, and of getting the crap kicked out of him. Just all the time.

"I can't shake the weird feeling that if properly applied this mask could solve ALL of my problems."

“I can’t shake the weird feeling that if properly applied this mask could solve ALL of my problems.”

Ethan’s weapon of choice will be shoes with huge lifts in them so that he can actually see his opponents. (ha ha… you’re short Tom Cruise)

In corner Number 3 we have Brian Mills from the Taken franchise!! A franchise that features such incredible movies as Taken 1: Awesome!!, Taken 2: Umm… Awesome???, and Taken 3: We’ve Probably ‘Taken’ this Series Too Far… I’m sorry Brian, don’t know what happened with that pun there I— I’m just sorry.

Mr. Mills enjoys sightseeing, visiting foreign countries, and punching people in foreign countries while sightseeing. Mr. Mills weapon of choice will be his own two huge, cement truck hands and his gravely gravel voice cause he don’t need no weapons!!!!

Taken 3: great poster, terrible movie.

Taken 3: great poster, terrible movie.

And of course in corner number 4 we have Daniel Craig’s James Bond. Mr. Bond enjoys activities such as watching women he has developed some vague connection with be captured and usually killed, drinking heavily, using firearms, drinking heavily, and having stubble. And also drinking.

His weapon of choice is a martini, shaken and not stirred… which technically makes the drink LESS alcoholic Mr. Bond. Just as a side note, you British poser you.

All right, so who’s first to go?? Easy answer: Ethan Hunt. But wait, what’s that?? It’s one of those inexplicably perfect, everyone seems to have them but not use them, masks!!! It’s not Ethan Hunt at all, it’s that guy from “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy” probably the longest and most boring spy movie ever made!! And that dude is dead. Not because someone killed him or anything, he was always dead, he’s been dead since halfway through his own movie, and no one noticed.

Okay, so who goes second?? In our now incredibly epic battle between James Bond, Brian Mills, and Jason Bourne??? Wow… that was a pretty awesome sentence right there. Anyway, I’m gonna say Bourne goes next. He gets midway through the fight and then forgets where he is and who he is and why he’s holding a pen and how James Bond likes his martini and while he and Bond are discussing the finer points of shaking things Ben Mills just murders Bourne to death. Sorry Bourne.

And now we come down to it, Bond vs. Mills, Craig vs. Neeson. Some of the growliest voices and craggiest faces in film facing off in a room. Wow… this is tough. Umm… Personally, I want to give it to Mills cause, ya know, Liam Neeson. But have you watched Taken 3??? Has anyone actually watched Taken 3? So suddenly, Brian Mills comes to the realization that his wife and daughter are played by two phenomenally annoying actresses and that his franchise has done nothing but take dramatic leaps backwards. Upon this realization Brian Mills, the king of awesome, wills himself out of existence. Cause he has not the time for such suckitude.

And so, James Bond straightens his tie, finishes his watery drink and casually strides out of the room, King of the movie spies.

"Cue my theme song, if you would be so kind."

“Cue my theme song, if you would be so kind.”

So there you go guys, disagree? Think I left a spy off the list? Want to know who would win in other various made up battles?? Email me at and I will maybe sort of probably get right on that!

Well hey guys, I know, I know. I missed a day last week. I’m sorry. I apologize. Don’t make a big thing out of it okay? Some times I just need my freedom, just need to spread my wings and fly like an eagle… into the future.

Or something.

Anyway, now that I’ve reviewed Avengers: Age of the Best Thing Ever, let’s go ahead and wrap up our summer questions series with another gentle tip-toe through some movie tulips!!

Question 1: Will you watch Magic Mike XXL?

Ummm… no. But I feel like that’s just cause I’m the exact opposite of the target audience for this movie. I mean I’m not super against it, I don’t think it or its predecessor are bad movies, I don’t think they’re awesome movies. They are movies that are not made for me though, and that’s fine. Whatever. I am mostly indifferent about such things, let Channing Tatum and his one astonishingly unexpressive facial expression whisk you away to a magical pelvic thrusting land. I’ll be here… probably watching the Avengers again.

Question 2: What’s the deal with Pixels?

Oh Pixels… I love the idea for this movie. It’s weird and off beat and an awesome idea for a weird sort of off beat action movie/comedy. Basically aliens have invaded earth ‘disguised’ as 80’s video game characters. It’s a great idea. That said, there are two huge (not a fat joke… mostly) elephants in the room: Adam Sandler and Kevin James are in this. I’m not saying having those two automatically make this a bad movie but… doesn’t it kind of??? I mean at some point we’ve got to just stop expecting these people to be in good movies right? If this movie starred literally anyone else I would be legitimately excited, if it had a legitimate action star paired up with a legitimate comic actor I would be even more excited. But it doesn’t have those things. And I am not excited. Forgive me Pacman.

Question 3: What’s up with Tom Cruise? Can Mission Impssible: Rogue Nation keep his streak alive?

Tom Cruise is (as weird as this is to type) on a roll movie wise. Edge of Tomorrow was great, the last mission impossible was fantastic, even Jack Reacher was better then most people think. I don’t know of any reason not to think Mission Impossible will be great. The trailer looks good, the cast works well together, and the store seems like a decent idea. Those are pretty much all the pieces you need to make a good action movie. Remember when life was simpler and we could all just make fund of Tom Cruise and his weird hair and space based religion??? I miss those days.

STRICTLY EMBARGOED: 8:00am PST March 22, 2015 Rebecca Ferguson and Tom Cruise in a scene from the motion picture "Mission Impossible 5." Credit: Chiabella James, Paramount Pictures [Via MerlinFTP Drop]

Weirdest piggy back ride ever…

Question 4: Can The Man from UNCLE live up to it’s awesome trailer?

Potentially yeah. I like the cast here, and the sense of humor seems to be spot on, so as long as the story is passable I think this could be a fun old school spy movie. Nice to see someone take the genre back to it’s smarmy roots in the same year that Rogue Nation and the new James Bond movie continue to make the genre darker and grittier and less shirt wearingyer. It would be really cool just to see an old school fun, slightly over the top spy movie and this looks like it may fit the bill!

So suave... so smooth. Like chocolate milk wearing a bow tie.

So suave… so smooth. Like chocolate milk wearing a bow tie.

Question 5: Why is Meryl Streep dressed like a punk rocker?? Is the world ending?

Wait... what's happening?

Wait… what’s happening?

Probably. From what I can tell the movie is about Streep as a failed rock and roll artist returning home to see her daughter and x-husband. Not exactly the greatest movie premise ever but hey, Meryl Streep, punk rocker, I’m in for that action. No premise required.

Well there you go guys!! Our Summer questions!! I did leave Ant-man and Fantastic Four off of year as I feel I’ve talked about them a lot in the last few weeks! Check back next week as I field some more letters from made up famous people.