Posts Tagged ‘Lucy’

Well hello and welcome to another Thursday in which we will (at various points) throw some stuff in a backwardly direction. Because that’s what society demands!!! For some reason. But more to the point, and less to the prongs, let’s talk about Redbox! What’s good, what’s bad, and why is there always some super indecisive person in front of me who can’t PICK A STUPID MOVIE!!!

The Bottom 5: And speaking of stupid movies, here are 5 of the very worst movies currently festering inside of Redbox.

The Interview: Yup the movie everyone got super excited about and angry over, that then turned out to really really suck. A lot. Because believe it or not coming up with the most controversial idea you can think of and then writing a horrible script about it, is not the ticket to success.

Dumb and Dumber Too: Please do not watch this. Ever. I don’t care if you liked the original, I don’t care if you are quite literally an immobile object and the movie is playing in front of you. Move. Get out of there. You will never be the same after watching this movie, it will haunt you to the end of your days. Your IQ will drop, your sense of humor will whither, your face will (in a desperate act of self preservation) physically remove itself from your skull. Don’t watch this.

Lucy: You can read my full review of this over here but… in the end… the main character literally becomes a Celestial Thumbdrive. You did not misread that.

Lucy: a movie that defies you to figure out why it's omnipotent heroine does not in any participate in the climactic battle.

Lucy: a movie that defies you to figure out why it’s omnipotent heroine does not in any participate in the climactic battle.

Left Behind: Yup. You can still watch the movie that critics universally agreed was the cinematic equivalent of being beaten to death with a spork.

The Scorpion King 4: Cause is there was one thing that the unimaginative, poorly conceived, completely unnecessary, Scorpion King 1 needed, it was THREE sequels. Three of them. You did not misread that.

The Scorpion King series because... umm... tax breaks?? Are we getting tax breaks for this?

The Scorpion King series because… umm… tax breaks?? Are we getting tax breaks for this?

The Top 5: Things are actually pretty good in Redbox right now… believe it or not keeping this list down to 5 was actually fairly difficult.

Birdman: Academy Award Winning movie starring Michael Keaton, Edward Norton, and Emma Stone all about a guy who used to play a super hero and now doesn’t know what to do with his life… so basically the Michael Keaton story. It’s not for everyone (R rated and not exactly your typical movie experience) but it is fantastic for those of you who like it’s particular style.

Big Hero 6: The official kids pick of the article. It’s a great movie, with some great animations, and some very very strange, superpowers.

Guardians of the Galaxy: Couldn’t resist it. Still my favorite movie from last year, and still pretty much made of wonderful. No way around it.

The Imitation Game: Benedict Cumberbatch and Kierra Knightly star in a movie about code breaking, britishness, and extreme combovers. Seriously though, it’s great. Go watch it. Or… rent it. Or whatever.

And behind that enigma there is a... well a pizza hut. It is, admittedly, anti-climactic.

And behind that enigma there is a… well a pizza hut. It is, admittedly, anti-climactic.

The Theory of Everything: Just in case you watched Jupter Ascending and thought that Eddie Redmayne was a talentless husk of used guacamole, here’s the Theory of Everything. A movie in which Eddie Redmayne actually acts as opposed to the other movie in which he was actually routinely clubbed over the head with a mallet before the cameras rolled.

So there you go America, happy days. Find some movies, watch them, and then find some other movies and don’t ever watch them. Ever. At all.

So Internet… the time has come. The time to look back and the year behind us… and remember all the terrible things that happened to us. Specifically all the bad things that happened to us in the theater. And oh my friends… there were some bad things that happened in the theater this year. Now, as usual I’m gonna review the 5 worst movies I actually saw and then the 5 worst movies according to critics. The reason for this is that I (being a man of sound mind and small wallet) try to avoid spending money on movies that I know are going to be bad. As such, the bottom 5 movies I saw this year are (for the most part) much less bad then the usual bad movies. Just so that’s been said.

The Worst 5 Movies I Saw in 2014 

Number 5: I, Frankenstein  I actually didn’t hate I, Frankenstein. I mean, it wasn’t a good movie, but it wasn’t terrible. Frankenstein murdered stuff, Miranda Otto made some incredibly unfortunate decisions, and transformed into  a rock for… some reason, but it wasn’t terrible. That said the storyline was terrible, the dialogue made very little sense, and the fact that for some reason the villain died in a massive fireball that practically destroyed the world AND then leaves a massive hole in some country somewhere that leads directly to actual hell. Ya know… when you put it that way… it was a pretty bad movie.

Number 4: Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit  Jack Ryan wasn’t actually that bad it was just… SUPER boring. Nothing actually happened through the entire movie it was just a lot of… stuff… that sort of happened to be happening. Plus Kiera Knightely had an American accent in it which I’m pretty sure is actually unconstitutional. I mean… why? Why would you do that? Aside from your boring plot, lack of action, vague threat, and waste of Kenneth Branagh did you HAVE to ruin Keira Knightley????

I really don't think you guys understand how Kiera Knightely works.

I really don’t think you guys understand how Kiera Knightely works.

Number 3: Maleficent  I was genuinely excited about Maleficent. Disney re-do of a little understood villain starring Angelina Jolie!! That made sense to me, I was in. But then that movie made very little sense. Maleficent wasn’t a good person who became a villain through a tragic course of events. Maleficent was a rogue giant faerie in a world of tiny people and giant trees, who was alternately allergic to metal and completely unaffected by it, and then (also alternatively) a complete tower of unstoppable magic power and utterly helpless. Also, she was SUPER indecisive. And weird. And wings somehow attached themselves to her back and played a significant role in killing a man who has what was easily the worst and most unnecessary Scottish accent in the history of cinema.

Number 2: 47 Ronnin  This movie was bad. Really bad. But ya know what else it was? Hilarious!! Super. Super funny. And not on purpose either, it was super funny and it didn’t realize it. Keanu Reeves was making all of his most serious faces. We were desperately sprinting all over feaudal japan ignoring gaping plot holes the size of volcanoes. It was (very seriously) the funniest movie I watched this year. So thank you 47 Ronnin, for all of the wonderfully horrible gifts that you gave us.

Keanu Reeves: Quite possibly the least Japanese person ever.

Keanu Reeves: Quite possibly the least Japanese person ever.

Number 1: Lucy  I was super confused by how many people didn’t hate this movie. I mean I was down with it for about the first hour or so, but let’s remember that at the end of the movie (spoiler alert) the main character actually becomes a thumb drive. No. Seriously. That’s what happens. And even then the movies “grand philosophical answer to life” was really not that grand… and sort of basic… and changes nothing about the way any normal person thinks about their lives. The whole movie got so distracted spiraling off into it’s own “deeper meaning” that it abandoned the whole reason people came to see it in the first place. It was just dumb. And it was, without a doubt, the worst movie I watched in 2014. And now that that’s over with let’s jump into the really bad stuff. The stuff so bad that I didn’t even want to see it, and (in a very real sense) went to a great deal of trouble not to see. Starting with:

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  Yup, a movie starring Megan Fox and involving those most feared of cinema words “Michael Bay” somehow landed in a worst movies list. It’s shocking. Sooo very shocking. A lot of people have been throwing around the “The 90’s movies weren’t good either” defense to which my response is… “Well yeah… and???” Just because something wasn’t good before doesn’t excuse it not being good now. Also (and here’s a really novel idea so strap yourselves down to your desk chairs America) why not just (brace yourselves) NOT MAKE THE MOVIE!!! Why not look at a source material and go “Hey that works as a 30 minute, over the top kids-cartoon but maybe converting it into a two hour long movie that tries to be ‘taken seriously’ would work about as well as taking a dog who can bark something that vaguely sounds like ‘hello’ and expecting it to sing Figaro’s Aria.'”

4. The Legend of Hercules The definitive loser of this years battle of the Herculi, the legend of Hercules was terrible but it was terrible in a boring sort of horrendously terrible sort of way. But it wasn’t a funny sort of terrible, it was just terrible. The script was bad, the acting was bad, the action was forgettable… see? There’s just nothing funny here. It was too bland to even be funny about it. Which is just sad.

3. A Million Ways to Die in the West A movie in which Seth McFarlane desperately tries to ruin the western genre. Literally, John Wayne appeared to me in a vision late at night and told me that he had arisen from the very dirt to appear to me and tell me to “Keep riding Pilgrim,” and ask if I was “Feeling lucky, punk” and if I was “talking to him” and “Why so serious.” Death has not been kind to Mr. Wayne.

2. Left Behind Okay so the last two here were difficult and Left Behind managed to avoid the top spot only because everyone knew it would be bad. I don’t think anyone looked at “Left Behind: Starring Nicolas Cage” and thought to themselves “Oh wow, that’ll be good.” I mean it was a Left Behind movie (which historically have been terrible) and Nic Cage (who has historically been in terrible movies) in the same place… it wasn’t exactly rocket science. This would be like going to a house and having them serve you a dinner comprised of gasoline and actively burning turtles, there’s no way that’s going to end well at all.

Pictured in the background, the burning wreckage of Nic Cage's career.

Pictured in the background, the burning wreckage of Nic Cage’s career.

1. Transformers 4: Something Something Explosions Yeah… there really wasn’t much competition here. At this point the stench of this franchise is just starting to stack on top of itself. I mean has there been a series like this before??? Something so completely universally maligned that just kept cranking out the awful through FOUR movies?? Granted the first one wasn’t that bad but still this is three movies in a row now that have been terrible!! And there’s no sign of this thing ending. Ever. Ten years from now we’ll still be watching bad, brainless Transformer movies somehow still being made by Michael Bay. Thirty years from now when we’re building colonies on the moon they’ll be some sort of Transformers 20 in which robots from the future yell angrily at each other and having super confusing fights with indistinguishable characters who will probably kill each other in various ways before those robots (whoever they be) who are killed, eventually (through various means) will come back to life and appear in subsequent Transformers movies… yay. And there you go guys! Another year, another huge batch of terrible movies!! Check back next week when I finally get back to doing that thing I’m supposed to be doing where I review actual movies!

Internet!! Sorry about yesterday… I… I have no excuse. Well to be honest I have several excuses but they are (to be frank) pretty lame. Like your face. BURN!!!! And speaking of burns it’s now time for everyone’s favorite part of the end of the summer. An awards show that features comedy, hilarity, intelligence, and very very few actual awards!!

Micah’s Summer Movie Awards 2014 

Most Rheumatoid Arthritis – Expendables 3

See, at the beginning of the Expendables movies they were kind of this cute little thing. Like all the people in  a nursing home getting together in the front yard and playing a really aggressive game of croquet… with guns. But at this point it’s kind of just depressing, you can’t shake the feeling that somewhere someone is just trying to get Sylvester Stallone to sit down for a nice cup of tea and a nap but he just keeps wandering off with his friends to play in the jungle. Poor guy.

 Most fails by the military – Godzilla

Godzilla was basically a long series of the military (US and otherwise) failing to do things. Failing to blow up a monster, failing to contain a monster, failing to move a bomb, failing to notice that a huge monster had DESTROYED THE BACK HALF OF A MOUNTAIN!!! And then Godzilla killed some stuff.  With fire. From his face.

Sure it looks impressive, but this whole thing is made of silly string and used putty.

Sure it looks impressive, but this whole thing is made of silly string and used putty.

Best Thumb Drive – Lucy

A thumb drive that was somehow also Scarlet Johanssen. I can think of about a million nerds who would literally give limbs to possess that drive.  For mere seconds.

Most Unnecessary Sequel – Transformers: Age of Extinction

As usual for the last few summers the competition for this category was stiff. With such great contestants as Think Like a Man Too, Rio 2, Expendables 3, The Purge: Anarchy, Planes: Fire & Rescue,  and of course Step Up: All In. But none of those movies could hold a candle to the huge pile of unnecessary movie-ness that was Transformers. Michael Bay took a widely criticized film franchise with utterly forgettable characters, indistinguishable robots, and a plot so thin that Miley Cyrus thought it was too revealing and decided that the best way to fix it was to change the forgettable characters with even more forgettable characters. This movie served no purpose. None. And yet (for some reason) people watched it. And that makes me sad.

Most Muscles – Hercules

Say what you want about Hercules’ bland storyline, so-so acting, and overall kind of suckiness but the Rock is a large large person… With a lion on his head.

Lion hats: because why not look like you're being eaten by a lion, all the time?

Lion hats: because why not look like you’re being eaten by a lion, all the time?

Movie no one cared about – Earth to Echo

I literally think that NO ONE watched this. Like not even the people in the movie. I think they took pictures at the premier and then went to a different movie. A better movie. Practically any movie.

Movie Least Like the Book – The Giver

If you’re ever super bored go find a big fan of The Giver and ask them what they thought of the movie. It’s hilarious. In a sad way.

Best Kids Movie – How to Train Your Dragon 2

For those of you already complaining The Lego Movie did NOT come out this summer. Calm down. Everything is Still Awesome… or whatever you people say. How to Train Your Dragon 2 managed to accomplish something so very rarely done with sequels, they paid homage to the first one, kept the feel of the world, and then expanded on those things and believably moved their characters forward. So parents, bring your kids. Watch this thing. And then put your kids to bed. And shut them up. Ha ha I’m kidding… Seriously though.

Biggest Pleasant Surprise – Edge of Tomorrow

A super good Tom Cruise movie. Yup… I typed that. It was great. You should watch it. Tom Cruise is in it. A lot. I think I may be ill.

Biggest Unpleasant Surprise – Umm… Maleficent??

This was a tough category not because there weren’t bad movies. There were A LOT of bad movies, but I knew they were going to be bad. Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Get on Up, Tammy. These were all bad. But they were all predictably bad. Even Lucy I wasn’t completely sold on. The only movie that I legitimately thought was gonna be great that turned out to be bad was Maleficent. I didn’t necessarily hate maleficent but it also was not great. And thus I was unpleasantly surprised.

Movie of the Summer – Guardians of the Galaxy

Okay, there were some genuinely great movies this summer. But this was not even close. Guardians of the Galaxy is pretty much the perfect summer movie. Heartfelt, hilarious, dance-offs. Everything you could want. Ever. It was an awesome, gutsy move by Marvel and it paid off big time. Groot forever.

So, there you go guys, another year, another bunch of awards no one cares about.

Internet!! I’m back!!! Like the plague, like baby, and like black. I am back. And sick. Sick sick sick. As such, I’m going to cut the fat, trim the crap, and flip the flop as I march into the box office top ten and layeth down some smack.

 Box Office Top Ten 8/8/14

10. Boyhood

So Boyhood is about um… something. It was filmed over the course of 12 years which is impressive… but it also stars Ethan Hawke which is distinctly less impressive. It’s gotten really good reviews but this seems like snobby filmery at its finest so… I don’t know… Also it’s playing in about three theaters so, yeah. If this sounds interesting to you go for it I guess but as for me and my house… We will not, for lo I am snob, but that much snob.

9. Step Up: All In

Ha ha. Oh… it cracks me up that this series is a thing. Here’s a summary of every movie in this series: good dancing, bad story, worse acting. So if you like dancing I guess this is for you… though you do know about youtube right? Cause you can watch some awesome dancing on youtube and not have to worry about the pesky “not dancing, brick faced acting” parts.

Ladies and Gentlemen: your brick faced heroes. Buff, Shaggy, and Half-shirt.

Ladies and Gentlemen: your brick faced heroes: Buff, Shaggy, and Half-shirt.

8. Lucy

Oh Lucy… you were so close to being a decent action movie… and then you sucked. Lucy is like a child on the beach who starts building a really nice castle… and then wrecks it. And pees on it. And lights it on fire. And destroys the world.

7. The Hundred Foot Journey

If you’re looking for a new release movie to see this week, this is it. Helen Mirren is wonderful. End of story. It’s not a great action movie, and it’s by no means a perfect film but it’s Helen Mirren. Shut-up.

6. Into the Storm

It’s like Twister except… okay so it’s pretty much Twister. The affects are better, the story is worse, welcome to modern cinema everyone. We have run out of ideas, but isn’t it pretty?

And this shot is from Into the Storm... or Twister... Or maybe Man of Steel??

And this shot is from Into the Storm… or Twister… Or maybe Man of Steel??

5. The Giver

Here’s the thing: I like the book The Giver fine, but it’s not great source material for a movie. It’s all “in peoples brains” and “let’s hold hands and think about the past” and other things. It was a weird decision to make it into a movie. And it did not go well. Good cast… unsuitable source material.

4. The Expendables 3

Oh Expendables. If you want to see this movie, you probably already have. I’m not necessarily opposed to the Expendables series, sure it’s not great cinema, it won’t change your life, but it also doesn’t try to. If Lucy was a sandcastle that was destroyed midway through, Expendables is a sand castle that was finished… though granted it was made with a bucket with a hole in it… by a three year old… koala. I will probably see this at some point when I’m in the mood for some murder and my wife is nowhere nearby… but I will not pay 10 dollars. At all.

3. Let’s Be Cops

This is a horrible movie. Don’t watch it. I like New Girl as much as anyone: don’t watch this. Ever.

2. Guardians of the Galaxy

Go watch this. Read my full review here. And go watch this. Now. Are you gone?? Go.

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

This title is SOOO long. And this movie is bad. I mean it’s not horrible. If you like Ninja Turtles it’ll probably be worth your time but… beyond that this probably isn’t for you.  It’s dumb. Stupid. Not funny. It’s like Transformers… but worse. If such a thing is possible.

This is Michael Bay children. He will ruin your childhood dreams. He is coming for you. Run.

This is Michael Bay children. He will ruin your childhood dreams. He is coming for you. Run.

So there you go guys! Check back in Thursday when I will hopefully be more alive, more funny, and more able to make fun of Michael Bay.


Posted: July 31, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

Hey Internet, and welcome to an austere, auspicious, and austerlicious day!! (Editor’s note: And we have the first made up word in the first sentence. Buckle up, folks!) Last night I had the pleasure of hopping in my car with my lovely wife and heading off towards our local movie theater to watch Lucy!!! Shortly after that I had the pleasure of turning my car around after realizing that we were in fact headed towards the wrong local movie theater. But anyway, my hilarious lack of directional aptitude aside, I did succeed in watching Lucy last night and shall proceed to review it in the convenient area located directly below this.

Micah Review’s Lucy

Lucy was a movie that (for a while) wasn’t getting a ton of publicity, and then it got WAY too much publicity and now here it is before us. So is it basically just an excuse to watch Scarlet Johannson play the Black Widow with slightly different hair? Or is there more to this movie then meets the eye?

You mean... these eyes???

You mean… these eyes???

The Plot:

So, Lucy is just an average girl, living in her average world, with her crazy cowboy hat wearing boyfriend who seems to have roughly the moral scruples of Satan’s evil terrier. Largely because of said evil terrier, Lucy is kidnapped by some evil drug lords… as opposed to ya know, the super nice drug lords… anyway, she’s kidnapped and after a super long, really weird scene, she is operated on and has some horrifying doom drugs placed in her stomach.

Unfortunately the drug lords don’t communicate super well with their underlings and some idiot somewhere decides that the best way to take care of a recently operated on person that you need to transport drugs for you is to kick her repeatedly in the stomach.  Somewhat unsurprisingly, after her stomach is used as a piñata by angry lackeys the drugs inside her start leaking and (incredibly surprisingly) Lucy develops super brain powers of destiny.

As it turns out the drugs hit her in the brain and made her brain begin slowly unlocking its full potential. This is the start to a long and very complicated journey to… somewhere… that is a place… or not a place… potentially.

The Pros:

A very good performance by Scarlet Johansson. It’s not great… and she spends an alarming amount of time just sort of staring at people in a “super brained” sort of way. But she does well at it, and carries most of the movie on her super brained shoulders. It’s certainly not a great performance but she’s very solid and handles what was definitely a tricky part very nicely. And of course Morgan Freeman is awesome but that barely even bears saying as you already knew that.

Apparently a side affect of super brainhood is that your eyes have the color consistency of a high school girl's mood ring.

Apparently a side affect of super brainhood is that your eyes have the color consistency of a high school girl’s mood ring.

Somewhere in here there’s a very interesting action movie, built on an interesting premise. In fact the first hour or so of the movie is quite entertaining. The main character is interesting, her power spread grows in an interesting way, and she interacts with and affects that world in an interesting way. Unfortunately though the movie is an hour and a half long and that last half hour… well let’s talk about that in a second.

The Cons:

That first hour (the good hour) shows the occasional flash of what I will charitably call “Philosophy 101 drop out on a sugar high”-isms. Nothing that drags the movie down to much but it’s still there. That last half hour though just disappears entirely into a large sticky bog filled puddle of terrible horrible philosophical, sparkly, nonsense. And not even particularly good philosophy. Bad, incongruous philosophy. The movie takes the idea that time is the defining measurement of humanity and makes it into this big “super-brained” person idea when I’m pretty we already had accepted that at this point. Or at least were aware of it. And then the main character starts time travelling, and there’s dinosaurs, and an ape man, and the Beatles, and a space thumb drive, and Lucy is in the sky with diamonds and the movie just sort of wonders off to its own little corner where it can play with its legos by itself.

It  really is a shame cause really the lead up to the last half hour isn’t terrible. The last half hour: is. It’s like the writer and the director decided to just run into each other at high speeds and then we’re kidnapped slapped with Plutarchs lives, murdered, re-animated, painted with radioactive duckys, and then sat down to finish the movie. There’s absolutely no explaining what happens in the last thirty minutes. It’s not that I don’t want to spoil it for you, it’s that I literally CANNOT explain it. Cannot. It is physically impossible. If you could understand it , you would be dead. Or a computer. Or a magical thumb drive. Or something.

I suppose I could talk about how the cast around Johansson and Freeman is largely weak and that there are some plot holes but frankly all of the holes and the casting and all that jazz gets sucked down the massive pit hole of doom that is the last thirty minutes.

In Conclusion:

I can’t talk too much about how sad the last thirty minutes makes me. It sucks. And it ruins what would have been a decent movie. I debated what to give this for a while as I really did like a lot of the thing that happened here but alas that an okay beginning cannot made up for a miserable ending.

I give it 2 Space Thumb Drives out of 5.

Hi Internet, first off let me say that I’m sorry about leaving you all alone last Thursday. It wasn’t me… it was you. Wait wait no… I mean it wasn’t you, it was me. And some health emergencies that I won’t get into right now. But anyway, that’s all sorted out and I’m here now with the open arms, warm hugs, and cold cold sarcasm that you need to make you world go round. As many of you may know last week was comic-con a time for nerds to get together, dress like their favorite super heroes, and ignore the gnawing sense of spiritual emptiness that drives them slowly insane. And like so many times before I, on this day, will completely ignore that.

Seriously though. I’m ignoring it. Starting now.

Box Office Top Ten 7/28/14

Let’s get the obvious part out of the way first: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY COMES OUT IN 4 DAYS!! Okay… I’m good.

10. A Most Wanted Man

The last movie (except for the “Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 1 The Boring Half We’re Gonna Make You Watch for Your Moneys”) starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman a most wanted man is a thoughtful engaging spy thriller. Unfortunately you’d pretty much have to be capable of actual spying to find a movie theater where this thing is playing so… yay for positive reviews from snooty people who live near theaters that happen to be playing this, boo for not letting me watch it.

9. Tammy

A Melissa McArthy movie that is (in a word) HORRIBLE. And, in another word, terrible. Don’t watch this. I don’t care if Melissa McArthy comes to your house, pays you money, and watches it with you. Don’t watch this. Watch Gilmore Girls or… something else with her in it that wasn’t horrible… like umm… Gilmore Girls? Again?

8. And So It Goes

A movie starring Michael Douglas and Diane Keaton “And So It Goes” has been universally praised by critics as being “something  that is probably preferable to getting your eyes gouged out by a toaster pastry.” Yeah, don’t watch this either. It’s bad.

"Now, both of you just keep smiling as you slowly watch your career circle the drain."

“Now, both of you just keep smiling as you slowly watch your career circle the drain.”

7. Transformers: Age of Extinction

Speaking of things not to watch. Don’t watch this. Ever. In your life. Never. Stop it. Stop thinking about watching this. Stop.

6. Sex Tape

It’s a movie and Cameron Diaz is in it. Don’t watch it. Wow… this is… four movies in a row now that no one should watch. Ever.

5. Planes: Fire and Rescue

"Planes: Fire and Rescue" because someone somewhere is apparently watching these.

“Planes: Fire and Rescue” because someone somewhere is apparently watching these.

A mediocre sequel to a mediocre movie which is a spin-off of the mostly mediocre Cars franchise… Yay. On the plus side at least mediocrity is better than the steaming pile of pickle carcasses that were the last couple movies. If Planes is a bowl of oatmeal (reliably bland) then Sex Tape, Transformers, And So It Goes, and Tammy are a bowl of oatmeal made from your grandma’s ninety year old lawn furniture.

4. Purge: The Anarchy

The Purge: The Anarcy is the sequel to last year’s movie The Purge: Not Any Anarchy At All. The Purge 1 got mostly horrible reviews but everyone watched it, the Purge 2 has gotten significantly less horrible reviews (though still pretty bad ones) and much fewer people are watching it. I don’t know what any of that says about our society what I’m saying is mostly: probably don’t watch this. But then again unless your living next to one of the Theaters run by Unicorn and showing “A Most Wanted Man” you really haven’t had anything to watch at all this week have you. Well hang in there, it’ll get better.

3. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Here you go people. Go watch this. Gary Oldman and Andy Serkis are awesome, it’s got a surprisingly thoughtful storyline, great action, and giant monster monkeys of death. What’s not to like?

2. Hercules

Hercules is pretty much exactly what you thought Hercules would be. The Rock punches things and asks people to stop calling him The Rock. There are some cool looking monsters, some big battle scenes, and for some reason Hercules wears a lion for a hat. It’s good. Not great. Not deep and thoughtful. But it’s really not going for that, it’s trying to be a fun summer movie that you take your kids to and let them watch a big man punch stuff… because that’s what you want your kid to learn to do… I guess. Wow you’re kind of a crappy parent aren’t you???

1. Lucy

So Lucy is a movie that stars Scarlet Johanssen and involves her gaining mental super powers and  murdering a lot of people. It’s gotten mixed reviews but at the very least everyone agrees it’s an interesting premise and that Johanssen carries things pretty well. Personally I’m hoping to get out and see this soon as I love a good “mental superpowers” film and Morgan Freemen is awesome. End of story.

After weeks of World Cup halftime commercials this movie is finally in theaters!! And the world cup is over... sigh...

After weeks of World Cup halftime commercials this movie is finally in theaters!! And the world cup is over… sigh…

So there you go guys, ten movies most of which I strongly recommend you staying very very far away from! Thanks for reading and I shall be back on Thursday to (hopefully) review Lucy!!

Well hey guys!! Happy Monday… ew… those words hurt. They are at natural war one with another, like Hatfields and McCoys, Verizon and AT&T, and France and… kind of everyone who’s not France. Anyway though, I believe it is now time for the very last of my Summer Question blogs… I think. Unless I come up with some other questions… which may happen… planning is not my strongest suit.

Question 1: What exactly is Guardians of the Galaxy?

Guardians of the Galaxy is pretty much The Avengers crazy cousin. The only question is what level of crazy will Guardians of the Galaxy be? Will it be the hilarious crazy person who eats nothing but chips and salsa and sings “Singing in the Rain” in a delightfully falsetto voice while swinging an actual lightsaber he built himself out of straw and lama spit? Or will he be the bad crazy who eats nothing but empty potato chip bags and sings nothing but the chorus of “It’s a Small World after All” while swinging around a lumpy rope made out of moose poop? Personally I think it’ll be a great movie! Just judging by the trailer we’ve already seen the movie seems to be striking a great balance between creating fun characters and a crazy world, while not letting things get to far out of hand.

Question 2: Is Lucy what Limitless should have been?

Maybe. For those of you who don’t know Limitless was a REALLY stupid movie about a guy who unlocks the full potential of his brain by taking some medication and then doesn’t make more of that medication for entirely stupid reasons. Lucy is a movie about a woman who is accidentally exposed to drugs and unlocks the full potential of her brainpower. But instead of doing what the guy in Limitless did (being an incredibly smart JERK) this girl develops awesome super-powers and reeks terrible vengeance on the people who accidentally expose her to said drug.

No no no. Wrong Lucy.

No no no. Wrong Lucy.

Question 3: Who asked for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live action movie?

Nobody. And nobody asked for Meghan Fox to be in it either while we’re talking about things people didn’t ask for. I mean, I have a lot of respect for the old classic cartoon series but giving Michael Bay a beloved childhood series to make a movie from is like giving a beloved Christmas Ham to a large and hungry polar bear for safe keeping. This is not gonna be a good experience for anyone, but ESPECIALLY for Ninja Turtle fans. I’m sorry guys.

"So... can I not be in the movie anymore?"

“So… can I not be in the movie anymore?”

Question 4: Why do they keep making Expendables movies?

I don’t know man. The first one was entertaining in a weird sort of “Aw… look at all the old people” sort of way. But the second one was just kinda sad and now a third one? When are you too old for movies about old people? Wasn’t the answer to that question: Exactly a movie ago? Cause I think it was.

So there you go guys, summer movie questions, summer movie answers. Wala. Abrakadabra. Bonjour. And other magical words!!