Posts Tagged ‘Left Behind’

Well hello and welcome to another Thursday in which we will (at various points) throw some stuff in a backwardly direction. Because that’s what society demands!!! For some reason. But more to the point, and less to the prongs, let’s talk about Redbox! What’s good, what’s bad, and why is there always some super indecisive person in front of me who can’t PICK A STUPID MOVIE!!!

The Bottom 5: And speaking of stupid movies, here are 5 of the very worst movies currently festering inside of Redbox.

The Interview: Yup the movie everyone got super excited about and angry over, that then turned out to really really suck. A lot. Because believe it or not coming up with the most controversial idea you can think of and then writing a horrible script about it, is not the ticket to success.

Dumb and Dumber Too: Please do not watch this. Ever. I don’t care if you liked the original, I don’t care if you are quite literally an immobile object and the movie is playing in front of you. Move. Get out of there. You will never be the same after watching this movie, it will haunt you to the end of your days. Your IQ will drop, your sense of humor will whither, your face will (in a desperate act of self preservation) physically remove itself from your skull. Don’t watch this.

Lucy: You can read my full review of this over here but… in the end… the main character literally becomes a Celestial Thumbdrive. You did not misread that.

Lucy: a movie that defies you to figure out why it's omnipotent heroine does not in any participate in the climactic battle.

Lucy: a movie that defies you to figure out why it’s omnipotent heroine does not in any participate in the climactic battle.

Left Behind: Yup. You can still watch the movie that critics universally agreed was the cinematic equivalent of being beaten to death with a spork.

The Scorpion King 4: Cause is there was one thing that the unimaginative, poorly conceived, completely unnecessary, Scorpion King 1 needed, it was THREE sequels. Three of them. You did not misread that.

The Scorpion King series because... umm... tax breaks?? Are we getting tax breaks for this?

The Scorpion King series because… umm… tax breaks?? Are we getting tax breaks for this?

The Top 5: Things are actually pretty good in Redbox right now… believe it or not keeping this list down to 5 was actually fairly difficult.

Birdman: Academy Award Winning movie starring Michael Keaton, Edward Norton, and Emma Stone all about a guy who used to play a super hero and now doesn’t know what to do with his life… so basically the Michael Keaton story. It’s not for everyone (R rated and not exactly your typical movie experience) but it is fantastic for those of you who like it’s particular style.

Big Hero 6: The official kids pick of the article. It’s a great movie, with some great animations, and some very very strange, superpowers.

Guardians of the Galaxy: Couldn’t resist it. Still my favorite movie from last year, and still pretty much made of wonderful. No way around it.

The Imitation Game: Benedict Cumberbatch and Kierra Knightly star in a movie about code breaking, britishness, and extreme combovers. Seriously though, it’s great. Go watch it. Or… rent it. Or whatever.

And behind that enigma there is a... well a pizza hut. It is, admittedly, anti-climactic.

And behind that enigma there is a… well a pizza hut. It is, admittedly, anti-climactic.

The Theory of Everything: Just in case you watched Jupter Ascending and thought that Eddie Redmayne was a talentless husk of used guacamole, here’s the Theory of Everything. A movie in which Eddie Redmayne actually acts as opposed to the other movie in which he was actually routinely clubbed over the head with a mallet before the cameras rolled.

So there you go America, happy days. Find some movies, watch them, and then find some other movies and don’t ever watch them. Ever. At all.

So Internet… the time has come. The time to look back and the year behind us… and remember all the terrible things that happened to us. Specifically all the bad things that happened to us in the theater. And oh my friends… there were some bad things that happened in the theater this year. Now, as usual I’m gonna review the 5 worst movies I actually saw and then the 5 worst movies according to critics. The reason for this is that I (being a man of sound mind and small wallet) try to avoid spending money on movies that I know are going to be bad. As such, the bottom 5 movies I saw this year are (for the most part) much less bad then the usual bad movies. Just so that’s been said.

The Worst 5 Movies I Saw in 2014 

Number 5: I, Frankenstein  I actually didn’t hate I, Frankenstein. I mean, it wasn’t a good movie, but it wasn’t terrible. Frankenstein murdered stuff, Miranda Otto made some incredibly unfortunate decisions, and transformed into  a rock for… some reason, but it wasn’t terrible. That said the storyline was terrible, the dialogue made very little sense, and the fact that for some reason the villain died in a massive fireball that practically destroyed the world AND then leaves a massive hole in some country somewhere that leads directly to actual hell. Ya know… when you put it that way… it was a pretty bad movie.

Number 4: Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit  Jack Ryan wasn’t actually that bad it was just… SUPER boring. Nothing actually happened through the entire movie it was just a lot of… stuff… that sort of happened to be happening. Plus Kiera Knightely had an American accent in it which I’m pretty sure is actually unconstitutional. I mean… why? Why would you do that? Aside from your boring plot, lack of action, vague threat, and waste of Kenneth Branagh did you HAVE to ruin Keira Knightley????

I really don't think you guys understand how Kiera Knightely works.

I really don’t think you guys understand how Kiera Knightely works.

Number 3: Maleficent  I was genuinely excited about Maleficent. Disney re-do of a little understood villain starring Angelina Jolie!! That made sense to me, I was in. But then that movie made very little sense. Maleficent wasn’t a good person who became a villain through a tragic course of events. Maleficent was a rogue giant faerie in a world of tiny people and giant trees, who was alternately allergic to metal and completely unaffected by it, and then (also alternatively) a complete tower of unstoppable magic power and utterly helpless. Also, she was SUPER indecisive. And weird. And wings somehow attached themselves to her back and played a significant role in killing a man who has what was easily the worst and most unnecessary Scottish accent in the history of cinema.

Number 2: 47 Ronnin  This movie was bad. Really bad. But ya know what else it was? Hilarious!! Super. Super funny. And not on purpose either, it was super funny and it didn’t realize it. Keanu Reeves was making all of his most serious faces. We were desperately sprinting all over feaudal japan ignoring gaping plot holes the size of volcanoes. It was (very seriously) the funniest movie I watched this year. So thank you 47 Ronnin, for all of the wonderfully horrible gifts that you gave us.

Keanu Reeves: Quite possibly the least Japanese person ever.

Keanu Reeves: Quite possibly the least Japanese person ever.

Number 1: Lucy  I was super confused by how many people didn’t hate this movie. I mean I was down with it for about the first hour or so, but let’s remember that at the end of the movie (spoiler alert) the main character actually becomes a thumb drive. No. Seriously. That’s what happens. And even then the movies “grand philosophical answer to life” was really not that grand… and sort of basic… and changes nothing about the way any normal person thinks about their lives. The whole movie got so distracted spiraling off into it’s own “deeper meaning” that it abandoned the whole reason people came to see it in the first place. It was just dumb. And it was, without a doubt, the worst movie I watched in 2014. And now that that’s over with let’s jump into the really bad stuff. The stuff so bad that I didn’t even want to see it, and (in a very real sense) went to a great deal of trouble not to see. Starting with:

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  Yup, a movie starring Megan Fox and involving those most feared of cinema words “Michael Bay” somehow landed in a worst movies list. It’s shocking. Sooo very shocking. A lot of people have been throwing around the “The 90’s movies weren’t good either” defense to which my response is… “Well yeah… and???” Just because something wasn’t good before doesn’t excuse it not being good now. Also (and here’s a really novel idea so strap yourselves down to your desk chairs America) why not just (brace yourselves) NOT MAKE THE MOVIE!!! Why not look at a source material and go “Hey that works as a 30 minute, over the top kids-cartoon but maybe converting it into a two hour long movie that tries to be ‘taken seriously’ would work about as well as taking a dog who can bark something that vaguely sounds like ‘hello’ and expecting it to sing Figaro’s Aria.'”

4. The Legend of Hercules The definitive loser of this years battle of the Herculi, the legend of Hercules was terrible but it was terrible in a boring sort of horrendously terrible sort of way. But it wasn’t a funny sort of terrible, it was just terrible. The script was bad, the acting was bad, the action was forgettable… see? There’s just nothing funny here. It was too bland to even be funny about it. Which is just sad.

3. A Million Ways to Die in the West A movie in which Seth McFarlane desperately tries to ruin the western genre. Literally, John Wayne appeared to me in a vision late at night and told me that he had arisen from the very dirt to appear to me and tell me to “Keep riding Pilgrim,” and ask if I was “Feeling lucky, punk” and if I was “talking to him” and “Why so serious.” Death has not been kind to Mr. Wayne.

2. Left Behind Okay so the last two here were difficult and Left Behind managed to avoid the top spot only because everyone knew it would be bad. I don’t think anyone looked at “Left Behind: Starring Nicolas Cage” and thought to themselves “Oh wow, that’ll be good.” I mean it was a Left Behind movie (which historically have been terrible) and Nic Cage (who has historically been in terrible movies) in the same place… it wasn’t exactly rocket science. This would be like going to a house and having them serve you a dinner comprised of gasoline and actively burning turtles, there’s no way that’s going to end well at all.

Pictured in the background, the burning wreckage of Nic Cage's career.

Pictured in the background, the burning wreckage of Nic Cage’s career.

1. Transformers 4: Something Something Explosions Yeah… there really wasn’t much competition here. At this point the stench of this franchise is just starting to stack on top of itself. I mean has there been a series like this before??? Something so completely universally maligned that just kept cranking out the awful through FOUR movies?? Granted the first one wasn’t that bad but still this is three movies in a row now that have been terrible!! And there’s no sign of this thing ending. Ever. Ten years from now we’ll still be watching bad, brainless Transformer movies somehow still being made by Michael Bay. Thirty years from now when we’re building colonies on the moon they’ll be some sort of Transformers 20 in which robots from the future yell angrily at each other and having super confusing fights with indistinguishable characters who will probably kill each other in various ways before those robots (whoever they be) who are killed, eventually (through various means) will come back to life and appear in subsequent Transformers movies… yay. And there you go guys! Another year, another huge batch of terrible movies!! Check back next week when I finally get back to doing that thing I’m supposed to be doing where I review actual movies!

Well hey Internet, and welcome to Thursday. The day before Friday and the first in a long spiral of weekends that will inevitably land us with Halloween and (blessings to us all) some decent movies. But before we get to those let’s get to a little I like to put in bold font and center called:

Weekly Headlines 10/2/14

In our lead story Adam Sandler just signed a contract with Netflix to make 4 movies exclusively for the online movie giant. I think this is great because it skips the parts where the horrible movies Adam Sandler has been making lately go into theaters and skips straight to the part where Netflix recommends them to me and I ignore them.

Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor was released this month (for Xbox One and PS4 anyway) to some fairly awesome reviews. Shadow of Mordor has gotten some really good reviews as it’s a game that gives you the chance to do some other stuff and then MURDER A BUNCH OF ORCS. And then probably still do some other stuff. I may be sketchy on the non-essential details.

A full trailer for “Exodus: Gods and Kings” came out this week and it looks pretty solid! For those of you who don’t know Exodus tells the story of Moses in a real historical, biblical setting, as told by two super white guys pretending to be Egyptian/Israelite. Unlike this years earlier Cinematic Biblical Blockbuster “Noah and the Rock Monsters of Angeldom” there’s at least a small chance that someone involved with this movie read the Bible story it’s based on. I’m at least moderately excited for this mess because “Egyptian Batman” totally works for me.

If just once he grabs Pharoah and whispers "I'm Moses" I will die happy.

If just once he grabs Pharaoh and whispers “I’m Moses” I will die happy. Possibly directly afterword.

Speaking of trailers the first trailer for Taken 3 is out and folks… I’m in. I thought Taken 2 looked unnecessary and contrived and just a weird idea in general but it was at least a good action movie that followed Liam Neeson around and watched him punch people. My problem with Taken 2 really was that it just looked too much like the original Taken. This movie though seems to be taking (ha ha) the series in a new direction while still featuring its strongest asset: the concrete blocks of mystical wonder that are the fists of Liam Neeson. Plus Famke Jensson gets murdered! And who doesn’t want to watch that? (in a movie… don’t make it weird internet.)

This weekend’s box office features three new movies! The wife kidnapped thriller suspense thingy: Gone Girl. The horror movie that looks exactly like every other horror movie ever: Annabelle. And (of course) the really bad looking movie starring Nicolas Cage: Left Behind. All that to say if you’re looking for a movie to watch this weekend, watch Gone Girl. The other two come with FDA warnings involving the contents of the movie doing permanent damage to your brain cells. And they will children. They will.

For those of you who are about to hate on me for judging Left Behind before I’ve seen it, I just want you to know that I saw the last Left Behind and so far most people who have seen it agree that this Left Behind is somehow WORSE than that one. And let’s not underestimate the hard work the last Left Behind movie put in to make sure that couldn’t happen. But never underestimate the ability of Nic Cage and a bunch of genuinely earnest but unfortunately misled people who thought that this was a good idea.

Oh I should probably mention that the number one movie at the Box Office this week was “The Equalizer.” The Equalizer is nothing you haven’t seen before, Denzel Washington is a deadly man out for revenge against some people not as deadly as he is. That said the Liam Neeson Principle applies here and there’s enough face punching and Denzelhood to make up for a fairly “meh” plot and a lack of supporting talent.

In other Netflix news, Netflix recently greenlighted their first major motion picture Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 2: Electric Boogaloo. Yeah Netflix, you go! You get that sequel to a movie with a plot so loosely put together you could literally say that pretty much ANY martial arts movie that came out since then was its sequel. Don’t get me wrong: I think Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is awesome and responsible for a great sub-genre of martial arts awesomeness but why couldn’t you just make a movie about literally ANY bunch of people doing Martial Arts? Did you really NEED to attach your tiny Netflix flag to a major motion picture just to make yourselves feel like a real boy?

A movie that defies gravity. Over and over and over and over and over.

A movie that defies the laws of gravity. Over and over and over and over and over again. This is probably Isaac Newton’s least favorite movie ever.

And finally in a VERY timely piece of news, last night Pixar (Disney’s little film company that could) released a trailer for their next full Computer animated movie: Inside Out. And that trailer told us NOTHING about the movie. It has something to do with the emotions inside of our heads (Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear) all being represented by different characters and theirs a little girl who all of this is happening inside of? Maybe. And that’s it. “But Micah” you’re no doubt saying, “how could a trailer that lasts one minute and 41 seconds tell you nothing about the actual movie?” The answer to that question is because the first minute or so of the trailer is a bunch of flashbacks to other Pixar movies. For some reason. So yes, Pixar is not only advertising their new movie (which we now know for sure is about something) but it’s also (simultaneously) advertising for ALL of its old movie. Well played Disney. Well played.