Posts Tagged ‘Kubo and the Two Strings’

All right internet… after two weeks of desperately trying to ignore the entire movie industry in this particular movie month of Sucktember, I’ve finally run out of TV shows and must regrettably turn one weary eye back towards the Box Office… Oh September… what did we ever do to you?

Box Office Top Ten 9/20/2016

Number 10: Pete’s Dragon

Squeaking in at number 10 is Pete’s Dragon a pretty good kids movie that continues to survive at the box office through sheer, mind numbing lack of competition. Pete’s Dragon still exists in the top 10 because we can’t find another 11th movie. I can’t even say this is the best kids movie on the list, but it’s still on the list because no one else wants to be on the list. It’s September… and September is the worst.

Number 9: Kubo and the Two Strings

This is the kids movie to see, if you’ve got kids… who like seeing things. That are movies. Great story, great visuals, awesome voice cast: has made zero money. Because the world is a cold and cruel place, and people are dumb. Seriously, if you haven’t see this and you want to go the movies this is honestly probably the best movie to see right now.


He’s aiming at profits!!!… and missing.


Number 8: The Wild Life

Okay so… this is the story of Robinson Crusoe (literally he is in it) if Robinson Crusoe was written by a 10 year old… spaniel. Look, there’s nothing criminally horrible about The Wild Life (though it is pretty dang horrible,) but in a world (and a week) where we’ve come to expect more from our kids movies than just talking animals and low brow humor, The Wild Life just doesn’t cut it.

Number 7: Suicide Squad

A movie that (according to experts) continues to happen. I mean, it’s not the worst DC comics movie, it may actually be the best DC comics movie but it’s still pretty bad. Of course, the real shame is there’s a good movie with a talented cast buried somewhere underneath the horrible editing, bad script, and the huge “studio interference” sticker.


So much potential… so much waste.


Number 6: When the Bough Breaks

Now this, THIS is an irredeemably bad movie. Something something HORROR, SUSPENSE… something something, please never watch this.

Number 5: Don’t Breathe

A pretty decent horror movie if you’re into the “idiot kids do something stupid and then horrible things happen to them” genre. Which is a REAL specific genre.

Number 4: Snowden

Joseph Gordon-Levitt delivers a great performance in what is an otherwise bland movie. It’s not bad it’s just (as certain handsome blog owners predicted) very dry. It somehow makes one of America’s most controversial modern figures and turns him into a paint by the numbers hero without much to say. It’s not bad, it’s just not super well presented.

Number 3: Bridget Jones’s Baby

Somehow (and sadly if you’re me and hate this movie just for existing) this turned into a fine movie. Renee’ Zellweger delievers a very good performance and fans of the series will be more than please with its return. Fans of me will continue to stare at it angrily just for existing.


It depresses me so much that this was a decent movie.


Number 2: Blair Witch

Okay, well at least one of the two, unnecessary, too late sequels sucked. And it was this one. Granted the first Blair Witch wasn’t nearly as good as we all thought it was at the time, but this Blair Witch is definitely as bad as we think it is now… I think. I’m confused. But I’m not confused about the horribly horrible badness of Blair Witch. Blair Witch: because sequels.

Number 1: Sully

The only movie at the box office that actually made any money this week, Sully tells the story of… well Sully. Tom Hanks stars as Chesley (real name) ‘Sully’ Sullenberger (no for real, that’s his name.) Who lands his plane full of passengers right on the Hudson River… and that’s a good thing.


Oh sure, but when I do this with my car everyone gets SOOO upset.


So there you go guys, on the plus side Magnificent Seven is coming out soon and if you squint real hard you can see all those good movies coming out in November!! Come quickly good movie… come quickly.

Well guys, it’s official, the good movies of summer are over. Sorry. You missed it. Sure there are still some leftovers out there, Star Trek is pretty good, Secret Life of Pets is a serviceable kids movie. But as far as blockbusters go it’s all downhill from here. Let’s just take a few minutes here, look at the rest of August, and see what we have (like so many trains) coming towards us.

August 12th:

There are some decent movies coming out this weekend, but none in the ‘blockbuster’ category we generally associate with the summer.

Florence Foster Jenkins – Meryl Streep, doing Meryl Streep things. What more do you need to know?? Do you need to know Hugh Grant plays her charming husband? Cause he do. Look, it’s not a movie that will change your life, but it’s a super fun, hopeful movie that will lift your spirits in a way that only movies (and huge amounts of ice cream) can.


This poster is exactly as whimsically awesome as the movie.


Pete’s Dragon – somewhat surprisingly, this movie has gotten GREAT reviews. Awkwardly great reviews. Is Disney on THIS much of a roll, where they can revive a nonsense 80s movie about a boy, his invisible dragon, and some sort of illegal child sale and make it into a heartwarming, family delight?? Apparently they are. We should legitimately start worrying about Disney’s takeover the world plan, guys. I mean if they can save THIS movie, what can’t they do?

August 19th:

Kubo and the Two Strings – Umm… something about a little kid who has magical powers and umm… there’s a monkey? I mean it looks good… I guess… It’s hard to tell, it’s all whimsical, and the animation looks great but it’s hard to get a hold of something like this just by the trailers.


If nothing else this mess looks gorgeous!!


Ben-Hur – The re-make no one asked for that looks just so entirely bland it hurts. I mean, I’m sure Morgan Freeman will be great but beyond that this whole thing just looks like the dictionary definition of ‘meh.’ I’m sure it will happen, and things will occur, and there will be a chariot race that has WAY more effects but won’t have the same gravitas as the original. And I’m not a bonkers fan of the original either, but it was made at the height of the whole ‘Sandals and Swords’ genre, and while budgets and effects and all that have gotten better over the years there’s something about the feel of the time period, I don’t think they can recreate. Those things and “First to finish, last to die” is a terrible tag line.


Okay so… how about second to finish, second to last to die?? Cause really that seems less stressful and who wants to be the LAST to die?? I mean you’ve got to pay for all those funerals!!


August 26th:

Don’t Breathe – Something something, horror movie. Something something Blind Guy?? Wait, what?? A blind guy is the villain and the main characters are a group of teenagers who break into his house?? I’m allowed to cheer for the blind guy right?

Mechanic: Resurrection – Oh Jason Statham, you just keep making movies don’t you? Look, I actually will probably watch this. When it’s inevitably free on Amazon Prime or Netflix. I mean it’ll be entertaining, they’ll be at least one very entertaining fight scene, Jason Statham will glare at things and have a cool British accent.


This seems like a perfectly fine poster with… wait is that… is that Tommy Lee Jones??? With a soul patch??? What have you done to Tommy Lee Jones!!!


If Jason has taught us anything over the years it’s that you can know exactly what to expect from every movie he’s in. Even the Fast and Furious movie he was in (we I watched for free) had a distinctly Jason Statham feel to it. There are certainly worst things you could do with your time… like watching Don’t Breathe, just as a random example.

So there you go guys, that’s what happening to us in August. Believe me when I tell you September is gonna be way WAAAYYY worse. Basically just hit ye olde movie snooze button until November. We’ll make it guys, we’ll make it together.