Posts Tagged ‘King Arthur: Legend of the Sword’

Hey Internet, boy am I glad to be back, but not nearly as glad (I’m aware) as you are to have me. It’s okay my children, my blessed waifs of the internet. Come. Gather round my internet fire, and let us all warm ourselves in the glow of one of our most sacred Thoughts We Might Have Had traditions: bold and centered font. And also:

Summer Questions 2017: Part 1

Number 1: Can Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 be a good follow up to the first?

The good news is that because my summer questions are a little late this year we’ve already got a real solid answer to this: yes. Yes it can. The reviews have basically all been positive and while it’s generally agreed that it’s not quite as good as the original, the original was VERY good and this just being “very good” is still pretty good! Or very good. Or something.

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It’s weird to say this but… this movie lived up to its potential!!

 

Number 2: Can King Arthur: Legend of the Sword be… I don’t know… anything more than just another Guy Ritchie movie about people running around doing vague things with quick cuts?

Probably not. I mean look, I like Guy Ritchie movies on the whole but they’re never really about much more than youngish people smash cutting around a city. I’m not saying this will be a bad movie, I’m just saying that there will probably be a lot more flash than there is substance to this one.

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Wait a second… is this our most attractive King Arthur??

 

Number 3: Will Alien: Covenant actually be a good Alien movie?

I mean statistically: No. It’s got all the earmarks of a bad movie: forced sequel to a mediocre movie, director who may or may not understand why people like this franchise (he seems to think we LOVE pseudo-space philosophy and characters making weirdly inappropriate statements about the value of strong women and not… ya know, actual strong female characters and Aliens), and plans to make several more movies in the series meaning that this one will probably not actually resolve. I mean look: it could be good. I hope it’s good! I like the good Alien movies… but this will probably not be one.

Number 4: How do people keep making Pirates of the Caribbean movies?

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Pirates of the Caribbean: You WILL like Johnny Depp. You WILL!!!

 

Look, here’s the thing: Pirates of the Caribbean 3, was a genuinely bad movie that brought that trilogy to a weird and confusing end. The whole “trilogy” thing just never really worked at all. That said: 1 and 4 were actually pretty good, so when the old PotC franchise has stuck to single story films they’ve done okay for themselves and this movie actually looks serviceably interesting. Honestly, the only thing that really freaks me out about it is the fact that apparently Orlando Bloom is back (Keira Knightely is as well but supposedly only in a cameo so whatever.) I feel like Pirates of the Caribbean is a great vehicle for good pirate movies, and we just sort of happen to put them all in the same universe, I get nervous that we’re gonna reach back and include things from earlier in the franchise cause that generally means some writer somewhere got locked in a room until he could work out twenty minutes of Piraty things for Orlando Bloom to do and that’s no way to make a movie, my friend. No way.

Number 5: Can Wonder Woman possibly somehow against all odds be a good movie?

Look guys… it’s just so dang hard to say. On the one hand: all the material for this has looked great. The trailers, the design, the cast, all of it. On the other hand: this is DC comics. DC has spent the last couple years selling us on trailers but then delivering bad movies with lazy writing and so many cooks in the kitchen that the soup morphed into a living amalgamation of death and disease that laid the world to waste. I hope Wonder Woman is good. Deep deep down past my layers of cynicism, bitterness, and toffee cream cakes I think it will be good. But I can’t honestly that it will be. I’ve been burned too many times man… by too many soups.

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Power!! X’s!!! Woman!!

 

And that’s where we shall leave things for today my inter-children. Be blessed. Be filled. Come back Thursday for more answers, more questions, and more vague cooking references!

Well hey guys, and welcome to that most magical time of year when I jump around like a crazy person, point at things I know very little about, and make bold and shocking predictions about them… that probably won’t come true. But before we get to this years thing, let’s take a look back and see how I did last year shall we?… cause there’s no way that’s something I’m gonna regret.

The 2016 Predictions Review

  1. Assassins Creed wins the Battle of the Video Game movies.

I mean look I wasn’t strictly speaking wrong here. Ratchett and Clank and World of Warcraft we’re both pretty bad (REALLY bad in Ratchett and Clanks case) and Assassins Creed was only sort of bad so… while it didn’t really win the battle per se, it did lose the least. So that’s a point for me, right?

  1. In an epic comic book movie year, Captain America: Civil War stands tallest.

I was a million percent right on this. You’re welcome.

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Runnin’ for the gold!

 

  1. In a not epic, unnecessary sequel year, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is the worst.

This one I was wrong on. It was fine and as it turns out Zoolander 2 was VERY bad. You can’t win them all, and nobody one with Zoolander 2. Nobody.

  1. Moana is 2016’s top kids movie.

I mean I guess you could make a case for Zootopia or Finding Dory but I feel like Moana was the one I enjoyed the most. And this is my blog so… we’re done here.

I made a Jumanji prediction but that movie got delayed so… disqualified.

  1. The Top Grossing Movie of 2016 is: Star Wars: Rogue One

Granted the Box Office is still open on Rogue One but at this point it’s pretty much not gonna happen. Rogue One slipped into second place behind Finding Dory. So I got close… but no luck.

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Danged adorable fish

 

So that’s last year guys. I feel pretty good about that, other than the fact I somehow didn’t think Zoolander 2 was as bad an idea as it turned out being. But as many important philosophers have said: pobody’s nerfect.

Micah’s 5 Movie predictions for 2017

  1. In a somewhat less loaded comic book year: Guardians of the Galaxy 2 is the best comic book movie.

Not honestly a ton of competition in my mind to GoG2. I expect Thor 3, Logan, and Spiderman: Homecoming to be good but not great, I’ve personally sworn off getting excited about Wonder Woman or Justice League so… yeah. I think GoG2 handily wins the best comic book movie of the year!

  1. Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature wins the award for least necessary sequel.
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Someone looked at this and thought: “Oh yeah… we want to know more about those characters.”

 

I don’t really feel like I need to explain this. It’s… it’s a very bad idea. And while never let it be said I was close minded, my mind should be considered closed for all business on this one.

  1. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword wins the weirdly specific battle of the Arthurian legend weirdness.

Look, both this movie and Transformers: The Last Knight are doing sort of weird re-telling’s of the Arthurian legend. Now, it should be noted here: I don’t think Legend of the Sword will be very good. But I KNOW the Transformers movie will be very bad. So in this weird face-off of ruining the King Arthur legend, I’m gonna put my money in the “not transformers” category.

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If nothing else he gets the award for most handsome King Arthur.

 

  1. The best kids movie of the year is Coco.

Look I don’t know what this movie is about, but it’s Disney’s November kids movie and until this system breaks down far be it from me to bet against it. I’ve seen one picture of an adorable child and a grandma and that’s really all I need to know about this particular Disney nugget.

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Yeah… I’m not betting against that.

 

  1. The top grossing movie of 2017 will be: Star Wars Episode 8.

I actually gave some long thought to giving this to Justice League but surely I’m not the only person refusing to get on this hype train right? Plus Episode 7 was the highest grossing movie of all time so… it seems dumb to bet against its sequel right?

And there you have it guys! 5 predictions for 2017! May the film year be good to us, to you, and to your families. Micah, out.