Posts Tagged ‘Jupiter Ascending’

Hey Internet, so I’ve done a couple mostly comics related mailbags in the last few weeks and people have (as people will tend to do) enjoyed them… as far as I could tell anyway. So I figured why not spread the love, spread the jam, and pass the potatoes as we open up our magical mailbag again and see what we’ve got!!

Dear Micah – Recently I’ve been feeling a little down on myself. I used to be just all that and then some, transforming into Dragons, throwing down some mad sleeping spells, and basically just being awesome. But then a movie came out that kind of made me look indecisive, and gave me a weird and inconsistent weakness to metal AND took away my ability to transform into a dragon!! Just feeling a little lost. – Effervescent Maleficent – Hiding in some Thorns

"Oh for the good old days..."

“Oh for the good old days…”

Well Eff I’m sorry. It was a rough run for you last year. I had high hopes for Maleficent and then those hopes crashed to the ground like a fairy touching metal… too soon? Anyway, don’t sweat it Mal because the good news is in a couple years no one will remember that Maleficent existed. It wasn’t great enough to be re-watched, but it also wasn’t bad enough to be memorable. You’ll bounce back. You’ll be transforming into castle sized dragons, and slinging around oddly loophole filled, needle based curses for a long time yet. Always remember it’s not the size of the dragon in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dragon… But also that first thing is super important. – Micah

Dear Micah – I’m in charge of a huge space station. Like, really huge. Some people mistake this space station for a moon. It’s huge (though it’s no moon.) A lot of people criticize me though for what is literally a tiny hole on a massive moon sized ship. Is this just another case of haters who are going to hate? Or should I take their criticism to heart? – The Grand Moff Boss – The Death Star (not a moon)

Sure it looks impressive, but this whole thing is one giant logistical nightmare.

Sure it looks impressive, but this whole thing is one giant logistical nightmare.

Ya know Moff I can’t tell you how many emails like this I get in a week. People love complaining about things. People love to point out tiny flaws in otherwise completely successful projects. So your huge space station has one tiny hole in it. Ain’t nobody got time to fix that. Nothing is perfect. Do you know the parts and labor cost of putting a repair team on the exterior surface of your station to fix a tiny hole that it would literally take an act of the Force itself for someone to hit with a missile? Can you imagine the flack you would take if you obsessed over every tiny flaw on a planet sized space station???? If you fix this what’s next? Devoting whole crews of tiny cleaner robots just to bathroom maintenance?? Sending teams of troopers into your trash compactors just to check and see if there are any huge, monstrous, death snakes in them??? Don’t sweat it Moff. You’re station is operating at peak efficiency. You’re destroying planets. You’re livin’ the dream! What’s the worst that could happen?? – Micah

Dear Micah, Thus far I’ve had a fairly successful career. I ate some people, I ate some dinosaurs, I had what was probably the single greatest dinosaur moment in cinematic history. But now as far as anyone knows I’m not in this new ‘Jurassic World’ movie at all. I’ve been replaced by some “engineered by science” new fangled dinosaur. Am I not good enough anymore? Has the world passed me by? – Big Bad T-Rex – Alone in a Crowd in a Park

Can you say... moneyshot.

Can you say… moneyshot.

Hey T, look man there’s at least a 60 percent chance that you will want nothing to do with the Jurassic World movie. I haven’t seen anything super reassuring trailerwise for that movie so we’ll just have to see what happens. Secondly: no one will ever replace you in our hearts dear friend. Genetically engineered monsters come and go, but T-rexs are forever. Think of all the other great movies you’ve been in. Even movies where you had some really great lines, like this one.

I'm not sure how well this plan was thought out...

I’m not sure how well this plan was thought out…

So no matter what happens. No matter what new crazy thing scientist’s create in a test tube somewhere, you’ll always be the first dinosaur in our hearts. Always.

Hey Micah, so I know you didn’t like my movie. But be honest, am I the worst villain ever? Unless of course I am the worst villain ever in which case please don’t be honest. – Balem Abrasax – Somewhere Shouting at a Lizard Probably

And with this cone I shall CONQUER THE GALAXY!!!! Somehow...

And with this cone I shall CONQUER THE GALAXY!!!! Somehow…

Hey Balem, look, sometimes when you see something, you have a knee jerk over reaction. You think something is worse than something else just cause you’ve seen it more recently. It’s not really that bad, it’s just what you’ve seen lately. That said: you’re the worst villain ever. At all. Even if there is some terrible, horrible, brain leaking, snot filled villain out there he could not possibly break through the ceiling of horribleness that you have created. So well done for you… but also: terribly done for you and I hate you. – Micah

There you go internet! Have a good weekend, enjoy the good times. I’ll see you next week for more bad ones.

Oh internet… what a week it was. There was sickness, health, shoulder problems, 10 hours stuck in a strange city with a dying phone just… a lot. So much. But as a direct/indirect result of said week curmudgeonlyness I ended up seeing a couple movies this weekend… alone. In a crowd. It was very poetic. Extremely popcornic. And just a little bit poppycockic. But whatever, what do you (oh unfeeling internet) care about my loneliness. All you care about is centered bold font that says…

Micah Reviews: Jupiter Ascending  

There. I hope you’re happy.

I don't want to give away my feelings on this movie, but let's just say the planet Jupiter is suing for defamation of character.

I don’t want to give away my feelings on this movie, but let’s just say the planet Jupiter is suing for defamation of character.

The Plot: Umm…


So, there’s this girl whose name is Jupiter cause her dad got shot while her mom was pregnant with what was easily the most disturbing fake pregnancy stomach ever in cinema. She grows up living an average life as a working maid, except she’s Russian and poor and owns a phone way WAY nicer then mine. Except she (unlike literally every other member or distant relative in her family) is not a white person. And she is also something called a “recurrence” which is like re-incarnation except different because of some reasons that some person said when I wasn’t listening because I was SO BORED!!!!

Anyway, somewhere the heck out in space some stuff is happening. There are these three siblings named Floppsy, Mopsy, and Overactingsy and they are trying to… yeah I have no desire to try and explain this system to you.  So Stupid, Ditsy, and Big Lips all make some vague threats to each other about something and then all go away.

After which we jump back to Jupiter (the person not the planet) and follow her as she is tracked by some aliens and then rescued by this thing.

This one goes out to the ladies.

This one goes out to the ladies.

That thing is something called a “splice” when you take a human and something else and genetically splice them together. That particular splice is what you get when you combine a human and a wolf, cause we all know man+wolf=Legolas with facial hair struggles. Anyway, she gets saved and then whisked off to the stars where a bunch of people try and bore her to death by spouting unending BUCKETS of the least sensical plot through line EVER!!!!! And in the end she saves the earth and wears some space boots and continues cleaning toilets because somehow in her tiny, pea sized brain that makes some sort of vague sense.

The Pros: 

I don’t believe I’m actually typing this but it is literally the only vaguely positive things I could think of: Channing Tatum is not bad in this movie. His scenes with Sean Bean were the least I wanted to bang my head repeatedly against molten lava in the whole movie.

And we’re done.

The Cons: 

Weirdly, I don’t think Mila Kunis (Jupiter person) is a terrible actress… like she’s not Meryl Streep or anything but she’s not the worst actress out there. That said she is HORRIBLE in this movie. Just mind numbingly uninteresting. She’s not helped by a script that gives her all the character and definition of a limp marshmellow, but it is literally physically painful how boring her character is, especially since the action in the movie is built around you caring whether or not Jupiter gets incinerated by the latest poorly thought out threat to her person and I literally could not have cared less about whether or not she survived. I didn’t actively hate her (like I did the three idiot siblings) but I just registered a complete blank on anything regarding her character. If Mila Kunis had been replaced by a rock with face painted on it I would have had roughly the same emotional investment in her character.

Your heroine everyone.

Your heroine everyone.

Speaking of hatred though let’s talk about the siblings: Dopey, Mopey, and Flirtey. Mopey (the girl character) only has about ten minutes of actual screen time but she literally is just sort of droning on about just NOTHING for all of those ten minutes. Full on Charlie Brown’s teacher, and literally NONE of what she said had any bearing AT ALL on the plot. Then there was Flirtey a character so hilarious, stereotypically evil that he might as well have been twirling his mustache throughout every scene of the movie. But these two are nothing compared to the raw, rancid pile of raw suckitude that was Dopey. Dopey was (in fact) so bad he deserves his own paragraph.

Okay so this guys name was actually (flipping to IMDB) Balum Abrasex and he was played by the incredibly talented Eddie Redmayne. Let the record show there was no sarcasm in that “incredibly talented.” This guy won an Oscar Sunday night and he legitimately deserved it 100 percent. That said I have never seen a worse portrayed villain EVER. I preferred the giant headed guy in Green Lantern. No. Seriously. Balum was set to growly whisper the ENTIRE MOVIE as if somewhere in his villainous plans someone cursed him to never be able to find a throat lozenge. Everything he said was whispered except for when he decided to shout single words for no reason. At one point he whispered for someone to go do something, gave that person roughly .2 seconds and then shouted “GO!!!!!!” As is if the person had put up some huge fight about going when there leg muscles had literally not had significant time to propel themselves in the direction of “GO!!!!!”ing. The whole thing was just this bizarre train wreck of a performance from someone who I really think is talented. This would be like a chef at a five star restaurant not just burning your meal to a lump of carbon, but taking that carbon and shoving it into your nostrils until he hit grey matter. It makes no sense.

Part of me still thinks this is Eddie Redmayne's evil twin, Reddie Edmayne. I refuse to rule it out as a possibility.

Part of me still thinks this is Eddie Redmayne’s evil twin, Reddie Edmayne. I refuse to rule it out as a possibility.

The whole plot is just a mess. Somehow managing to be completely non-sensical, incredibly confusing, and mind numbingly predictable all at once. I’m pretty sure Sean Bean’s character switches teams about four times in this movie and while I was never sure why he switched sides or even (for several scenes) which team he was fighting for at the time, none of the allegiance switching surprised me at all. The action is all very paint-by-numbers space action wherein people zip around shooting at each other looking impressive but not actually doing much concretely cool. It’s all just “pew” “pew” laser tag stuff but not any of the big over-the-top awesome action you expect from the Wachowski’s.

The list goes on: gravity boots look really stupid and the main character is constantly getting hurled from high places so Channing Tatum can catch her using his gravity boots. Most of the aliens just look stupid including robots who have guns at bicep level and then no other means of doing anything because what on earth could a security guard possibly want with hands???? I could literally keep going forever but I’m over 1000 words and my fingers are starting to openly protest having to describe this much terrible all at once.

In conclusion: 

This is a terrible movie. The action is blah, the story is blech, the writing is meh, and the acting is bland. It is a movie that is exactly the sum total of its parts and all of its parts are pure 100% terrible. It’s not even entreatingly bad like 47 Ronnin where you can just kind of sit back and enjoy the weirdness. It’s just bad.

I give it 1 stupid sibling out of 5.

Internet!! Welcome back to the wonderful world of Summer Questions!! A time to look at our future, ponder where the road ahead will lead us, and then for me to make some weird jokes about it before leaving it alone entirely. Ready. Set. Go.

Question Number 1: What on Earth is “Edge of Tomorrow” actually about?

Edge of Tomorrow is a Tom Cruise movie in which Tom Cruise dies a lot (promising news) and then gets brought back to life the next day and dies again (the party never stops.) It seems that humanity is at war with some sort of time-jumpy aliens or robots or… evil chickens… potentially. And some of that evil chicken time jumping juice got on Tom Cruise and now we’re here. This is the stuff that I know, and as you may have gathered it is not a lot of stuff. The thing is as much as I dislike Tom Cruise (I really do) he’s kind of on a roll right now. I mean: Oblivion, Jack Reacher, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol these were all kind of awesome. So who am I to condemn old Tiny Tom just for being in a movie with a plot that sounds like the most confusing thing since he was singing things in Rock of Ages? This movie could be good!! Chickens could be from the future!! I have no idea what’s going on.

Wait, what chickens??

Wait, what chickens??

Question Number 2: Can “How to Train Your Dragon 2” top the original?

Probably not. It’s been like… seven years since the first How to Train Your Dragon movie and at this point do we really care what’s going on with the Dragon and the little one legged Viking?… Okay well when you put it that way I care a little bit. Curse you adorable one legged viking…

Question Number 3: On a scale of one to stupid how bad will “Transformers: Age of Extinction” be?

Really stupid. I believed for a long time in Transformers cause the first one was so surprisingly good. Even when the second one was terrible and horrible and awful I still thought maybe the third one would be better… and then it was worse… So now Michael Bay has decided to solve the problems from his last movie (those problems being: THE WHOLE FILM) by adding in a whole new cast of horrible characters and Robo Dinosaurs. That’s right, the solution to Bay’s problems of having a world so hilariously unbelievable a small group of soldiers survived the collapse of building while IN THE BUILDING!!! Was to add in robo-dinosaurs.

Question Number 4: How many monkeys does it take to make “Dawn of Planet of the Apes?”

I have no idea what happened to this question. I was writing along and all the sudden everything rhymed and the question didn’t really make a lot of sense. Anyway, the answer to the question is (of course) zero. Zero monkeys. It does however take an awesome performance by Andy Serkis and a potentially awesome performance by Gary Oldman. I was very pleasantly surprised by the first Apes movie and hey I’m always up for a pleasant surprise! Like cookies at midnight, pancakes at first light, and dancing in the moonlight.

"They call me... Mr. Ape."

“They call me… Mr. Ape.”

Question Number 5: Will “Jupiter Ascending” be weird and awesome or just entirely weird?

Jupiter Ascending is the latest movies from the Wachowskis (or however you spell that name) the people behind the original Matrix (great movie) and both the other Matrix’s (mostly terrible movies) also V for Vendetta (yay) and Atlas Rising (boo) all of these movies were very strange. Some were awesome. Some were horrible. All were weird. So the fact that Jupiter Ascending is about some sort of exiled princess being protected by an interstellar space soldier with rocket boots and a light-shield shouldn’t really come as any surprise. It’s gonna be weird and it’s gonna star Channing Tatum whose gravelly brick like face should (and will) remind us all of Keanu Reeves what with its complete lack of expression and all. We’ll just have to see what happens with this one, it could be great it could be terrible. At the moment I am leaning towards it being good but it really could go either way.

Also: elf Channing Tatum.

Also: elf Channing Tatum.

Question Number 6: Can Dwayne Johnson’s “Hercules” be better than “The Legend of Hercules?”

Let’s be clear on one thing: it is practically impossible that this movie is worse than Legend of Hercules. It’s not to say that this particular Hercules will be good, It’s just to say that the last one was really really bad. Wondering if this Hercules will be better than the last one is like wondering if a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich is going to be a better lunch option than the jar of radioactive dirt you had yesterday. If we’ve learned anything about Dwayne the Rock (please don’t call me the Rock) Johnson it’s that he can be relied on to give us a moderately generic somewhat enjoyable action movie. And even by meeting those hilariously un-lofty standards he will kick the butt of all the other Herculi (which I’m pretty sure is the plural of Hercules.)

So there you go guys! More questions, more answers, and more masculine! I’ve still got enough questions for one more of these bad boys so tune on back in next week and we’ll knock those out! Thanks for reading!!