Posts Tagged ‘Johnny Depp’

Internet! How in the world are you? It’s Monday… again. Because for every day there must be a night, for every weekend there must be a week, and for every skittle there must be an empty skittle bag that still smells like there are skittles in it. But even on these dark days fair friends, you may come here, to my writers bosom and I will write for you and yours a probably inaccurate movie review!  And with that disturbing mental image out of the way, let’s forge on too:

Micah Reviews: The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger Walks again!! With a bird. Of death.

The Lone Ranger Walks again!! With a bird. Of death.

When this movie was first announced I was dubious, then I was sort of excited as trailers came out, and Johnny Depp continued gluing things to his head. In the end I actually kind of bought in to it (at the very least) being sort of a fun movie. So was I right? Should the Lone Ranger be out there riding again? Well…. Let’s find out.

The Plot:

John Reid is on a train heading out west, minding his own business, and being sort of  a stuck up, idealistic person (with nice hair). Meanwhile, (in another part of the train) Tonto (Indian and bird enthusiast) is chained up with the fiendish, fiend of friendliness: Butch Cavendish. Cavendish stages an escape and John must join an ill-fated possee (how on earth do you spell that? Posse? That can’t be right… who knows. I could google it but I’d have to switch screens and type it again and… that just seems exhausting) with his brother… umm… Reid. Reid Reid. A great name that I totally did not make up. Then John and Reid Reid are ambushed by the Cavendish gang and everyone dies. The end.  

Ha ha no. Fear not young children, that is not the end of this movie. No no no this movie still has HOURS to go!! Cause John Reid survived (saved by Tonto) and now must take his secret mask covered revenge against Butch Cavendish, the forces of evil, and the brains of the people who came to watch the movie.

The Pros:

  Some really great performances make this movie worth watching (which is saying something.) Johnny Depp punches the clock with his customary brilliance as Tonto, Armie Hammer plays a likeable enough Lone Ranger, and William Fitchner delivers an unrecognizable, performance as Butch Cavendish. I had NO idea it was him and while he wasn’t exactly a deep character or anything he still deserves props for the flexibility he showed here.

And that’s pretty much all the pros I’ve got. It doesn’t seem like much but Hammer and Depp are really really good in this film and they’re on screen about 90 percent of the movie so it counts for more than you might think.

The Negatrons:

The rest of the cast does not fare as well as the three leads. The grossly under-utilized Helen Bonham Carter is the only remaining member that isn’t either asleep for most of the movie, hilariously un-talented, or grossly annoying (thank you little tiny child person for reminding us all why some little kids should just not be on film. Like at all. Anywhere. Your parents should stop taking home videos.) It’s like the Director was so busy applauding the three people up in the pros list, that he sort of forgot that the rest of the cast was there. And I tried to. I promise.

Here’s a list of the five best actors in no order: Depp, Hammer, Carter, Fitchner, The Dead Bird.

The big flashing signal light of terrible though is the last thirty minutes or so of the film. The first part of the movie mostly keeps a sort of “Pirates of the Caribbean” feel with action that’s just a little over the top and a genuinely fun sort of childhood adventure feel to it. In the last thirty minutes though the slightly ADD child that is the Lone Ranger grabs a box of matches lights himself on fire and then skips merrily around the house, jumping on the furniture and whistling the 1812 Overture while it badly juggles its parents priceless Russian nesting doll collection. The last “chase” scene features a kid launching grapes, a woman landing backwards on a horse, death by rabbit, a forty foot drop onto a train carrying rocks, and a space cowboy from the future!! And sadly I’m only making two of those things up! It’s like some 5 year old snuck into the writers room late at night and decided that he would make all of his tiny baby dreams come true. If a Buffalo had jumped onto the train wielding a banjo like a shotgun I wouldn’t have even been a little bit surprised.    

I have no direct complaints against the script but it just never does anything to really qualify itself as above average. Plus it’s just not a story that really goes anywhere. Even the painfully obvious “friendship” morale of the story is kind of lost in the end as the movie distracts itself with various shiny objects.

Finally, there is one incredible random spout of violence in the film that makes no sense at all. I mean I’m not bothered by violence per se but it’s the Lone Ranger folks, do you have to make the bad guy eat somebodies heart? Couldn’t we have just talked about it and left it at that? I mean most of your audience are kids… you know that right? Hello? Are you listening to me? Never mind.

In Conclusion:

The Lone Ranger is probably worth watching. Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer are great, and for the most part it’s a pretty good movie. The last thirty minutes really drag it down though, and it’s over all lack of moral or script life really take away from a movie that (frankly) should have been a lot better if it hadn’t gotten so distr… … … … acted.

I give it 2 Reid Reid’s out of 5.

Well thanks for reading everyone! Check back on Thursday as I talk about some stuff from Comic-con and generally just be pretty nerdy.

Hey everyone, welcome to Thursday and the launch of an exciting, gripping, and probably hilarious feature on Thoughts We Might Have Had. A series so poorly researched that some famous newspaper person whose named I don’t know is probably rolling over in her/his grave. A series that will delve deeply into movie history in a very shallow sort of way. It’s time for… some bold typed font.

Career Rewind: The Life and Movies of Johnny Depp

Cause believe it or not he wasn't just in pirate movies.

Cause believe it or not he wasn’t just in pirate movies.

Ah, Johnny. You’ve had highs and lows and have probably been more than a little high for both of those things. It’s important to mention that I am using an IMDB page for this and that is it. So if I haven’t seen a movie I will either A: not mention it at all, or B: Make something up about it. So now that we all understand that, let’s just dive right in shall we?

Holy marmosets!! He’s been in 63 movies??? Man… I have got to start thinking these things through better. This is like when I promised to talk about all the presidents before I remembered that there have been about a million of them (check out that article here). Okay there’s gonna be a lot more skipping here then I thought here would be.

1984- A Nightmare on Elmstreet

Yeah, you forgot Johnny Depp was in this movie didn’t you? A Nightmare on Elm Street is classic horror franchise at its classic-ist! I mean Freddy Kreuger (a man with knives for fingers which makes him terrifying to both people and large, uncut sandwiches) is probably the scariest of all of the “classic” horror villains. Depp played one of his victims and one of the few slightly redeemable characters in the movie. Remember this though because I’m gonna bring it full circle in a couple movies.

1990- Cry Baby

I have no idea what this movie is about but I just skipped six years and felt like I couldn’t go too much further. I can tell you that Johnny Depp shared the spotlight of this film with famed actress… yeah nobody I’ve ever heard of was in this movie. These are the doldrums of Johnny Depp’s career. Where he was in films like “Slow Burn” which may or may not have been about a rebellious toaster slowly burning bread to ruin breakfasts for Americans everywhere. Anyway later in this year Johnny Depp starred in…

1990- Edward Scissorhands

In Johnny Depps first big movie he would become famous for playing a character with knives for hands! This is after making his film debut being murdered by someone with knives for hands!! See that there? That’s called journalism yo!! What WHAT??!?!?!?! *various dance moves*

Okay… what were we doing? Oh yeah. Johnny Depp. Ummm… Edward Scissorhands is a movie about a guy with scissors for hands who has a heart of gold… or something. I watched it once like… five years ago so I’m somewhat sketchy on the details. Something about a dog and an evil scientist which is the plot of ¾ of Tim Burton movies consequently.

1993- What’s Eating Gilbert Grape

Johnny Depp starred in this movie with bitty baby Leonardo Decaprio!! That said, I have no idea what this is about so I’m just gonna assume it has something to do with the secret, cannibalistic lives of a colony of grapes living in downtown Manhattan… And one of them probably has knives for hands.

1999- Sleepy Hollow

Johnny Depp played Ichabod Crane in this film version of the classic tale of a headless horseman who (for reasons that are never entirely clear) uses a pumpkin for his head. I mean why a pumpkin? Why not a watermelon? People like watermelon a lot more then they like pumpkin right? You think you could make a lot more friends with a watermelon for a head then you could with a pumpkin. I mean a headless horseman with a watermelon head would be a whole different story, about peace and acceptance and learning to love people for who they are and how delicious their face may be. Man… someone needs to make that movie.

2003- Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl

"It's a bird... no it's a plane... no... it's your career arc spiraling downwards. Sorry Orlando."

“It’s a bird… no it’s a plane… no… it’s your career arc spiraling downwards. Sorry Orlando.”

Johnny Depp’s official welcome to stardom party, Depp played Jack Sparrow an awesome character bound to carry a franchise that would gradually get worse and worse! I already talked at great length about Pirates of the Caribbean (check out my two part review of the Pirates of the Caribbean series here and here) so I’m gonna skip the other three movies and just say that this is where Jonny Depp took some bread and put a heaping helping of butter on it.

2004- Finding Neverland

Some people would make the case that this is Johnny Depp’s best movie (though not his most interesting role) and I suppose they could be right. It’s all cute and fuzzy and has tiny baby children frolicking through fields of unshorn barley or something. I mean I’ve watched it and enjoyed it but a lot of people talk about this movie like it personally came to their house and gave them steaming hot cookies and freshly squeezed milk… ew. Never typing that again.

2005- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Couple things here, first off: WEIRD movie. Really REALLY weird. Secondly: Johnny Depp is kind of awesome in it. I mean he’s awesome in a weird/creepy/person I never EVER want to meet sort of way, but awesome none the less. The first time I watched this movie I hated it but once you can just sort of forget that the rest of the film is happening and just watch Johnny Depp… it’s kind of awesome.

2007- Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

First off: this movie is super violent. Don’t watch it with little Bobby or Bretta or whoever. Secondly: it’s great. I mean it’s not a movie I would watch a lot (you can only take so much) but the plot is great and other then the “I’ll steal you Joanna” song being one of the four or five most annoying things in the whole of time and space I really like this… though the more I think about that song the more I remember how much I hate it. I’m downgrading this movie to another one of those “unless Johnny Depp is on screen you can probably fast forward” movies.

2010- Alice in Wonderland

I feel like I’m in the minority when I say that I really liked this movie. I mean sure it was random and weird and things but you have all read Alice in Wonderland, right? I mean the whole thing is pretty much an acid trip interrupted by a sugar rush being eclipsed by a red bull anti-coma. That’s exactly what this movie is. It’s weird and random and crazy and occasionally makes you wonder what planet your on but that’s the best part about it!! Also Johnny Depp performing “The Jabberwocky” (one of the most over recited pieces of poetry ever) still gives me goosebumps.

2010- The Tourist

This was a terrible movie. Depp had a terrible beard. Never watch it.

2011- Rango

My nominee for best animated movie ever (read the full article here… man I’ve linked to a lot of my own articles here, huh? Not sure how I feel about that. It’s like when you’re watching something on HuluPlus and a HuluPlus add comes on. You feel sort of offended that Hulu doesn’t know that you’re already paying them for Hulu. On a separate note if you want to pay me, I definitely will not forget about it. Ever. I suppose I’ve run out of room in these parenthesis huh? I mean I’ve estranged the lefty curved one so far from its righty curved sibling that it probably doesn’t even remember its own name. Maybe I’ll add another here just to give it some company. ( there. I’d add one up top too but I’d have to click a mouse and things and that wouldn’t be worth it at all. And now I’m moving it further away again. So much for that plan. I should really stop huh?)

2012- Dark Shadows

Somehow a movie with these two people was only mildly entertaining... yeah... I know.

Somehow a movie with these two people was only mildly entertaining… yeah… I know.

Johnny Depp delivers a “meh” performance in a “meh” sort of movie. Not a lot to say beyond that.

2013- The Lone Ranger

I haven’t watched this movie yet but everyone seems to generally agree that it’s sort of a terrible film. I’ll be watching it as soon as I can though cause if nothing else they say it’s bad in an entertaining sort of way.

And that about sums up the career of Johnny Depp everyone! You’re welcome! Have a great weekend, watch a movie you haven’t seen before and tell me all about it!!… except, ya know, probably don’t tell me. There’d be a lot of reading involved and I’m generally not on bored for that kind of mental exertion unless there are snacks involved. But have a great weekend anyway and I’ll see you Monday!!

P.S. And as one more bonus link here’s me and my brother Zach talking the NBA offseason, his top 5 tv shows, and some Pirates baseball in our latest podcast!! Check it out here!

Hey Internet, so I was planning on watching Iron Man 3 last night but do to a disastrous clerical error (editor’s note: Don’t be fooled, Micah has no idea what a “clerical error” is; as he will demonstrate… now) stupid clerics. Anyway, in lieu of my Iron Man 3 review, here’s a look at some more summer questions for some more summer movies!!

Question 1: Will Man of Steel (June 14th release) make me look like an idiot for thinking it would be good?

If nothing else we've chased most of the pictures of that other Superman movie off of the internet. So that's a win.

If nothing else we’ve chased most of the pictures of that other Superman movie off of the internet. So that’s a win.

So at this point me and Man of Steel are at that awkward point where you’ve asked a girl out on a date and your standing around wondering if she’s really as cute as you thought when you asked her out. What if you can’t get over that mole? What if her sense of humor was really just her hopped up on Mountain Dew and angst? What if she shows up to the date wearing a hat made out of lettuce or smelling like Old Man’s old spice?

That’s me and Man of Steel. I’m committed, I’m there at the door waiting to buy my ticket and slurp my slurpy, the question only remains how good will the movie actually be? Only June 14th will tell.

Question 2: Will World War Z (June 21st) be just another dumb zombie movie?

Honestly… probably yes. I was really rooting for this movie to distinguish itself from the pack by taking on the darker more realistic tone that the books the movie is based on took. That’s not gonna happen though apparently. Apparently there will just be mountains of zombies and helicopters and brains and all the usual dumb things you see in all of the usual dumb zombie movies. Poor Brad Pitt. I mean there’s a chance that the trailers I’ve watched and the stuff I’ve read is completely and totally wrong but let’s face it: I’m pretty much right all the time… I think.

Question 3: Can the Lone Ranger (July 3rd) actually be a good movie?

Originally I thought this was going to be a train wreck. As in big death train wreck of doom covered in dead puppies and kool aid. Death kool aid. Of deathity doom. Now though… I don’t know. It could be good. It could be Pirates of the Caribbean in dirt. It could be Pirates of the Caribbean except with Tonto instead of Jack Sparrow… which isn’t the best promo for it ever. Anyway I think the action will be interesting and the story line will be good it’s all gonna depend on whether the dialogue can settle into a groove that’s old westy without being (for lack of a better term) boring hick-talk. About hick-ponies.

Question 4: What genius studio executive thought making Grown Ups 2 (July 12th) was a good idea?

Studio Exec A: So… do you remember that movie we made that nobody liked and which didn’t make any money, that starred a bunch of comedians who we had to pay a lot of money?

Studio Exec B: Yes.

Studio Exec A: Well I thought we would get the cast together and film a sequel. With Taylor Lautner.

Studio Exec B: So you’re saying you want to take an idea that was already proven to be terrible, make it worse, and then do it again?

Studio Exec A: Yup!

Studio Exec B: Let’s do it! And then after I want to try putting my leg into that bears mouth just to see if this time he won’t savage me!

Putting Taylor Lautner in this movie is like adding a dash of bird poop to your recipe for "Dead Bush pie."

Putting Taylor Lautner in this movie is like adding a dash of bird poop to your recipe for “Dead toad pie.”

Question Number 5: Will Red 2 (July 19th) be as good as the first one?

Okay, first off if you didn’t see Red one please go watch it now. I’ll wait.

You good? Wasn’t that a great movie? Why didn’t you watch that before? Why haven’t more people watched that? It’s great! I’m ready to go for Red 2! See this is how sequels should be made, when you create a cool world with interesting characters and then decide to make another movie so we can keep watching those characters. I’m in for Red 2. On. Board.

Question 6: Will the Wolverine (July 26th) be as bad as the first one?

The X-men movies haven't always been good, but those people can make a poster!

The X-men movies haven’t always been good, but those people can make a poster!

Okay so Wolverine: X-men Cameos was not a great movie. I mean it wasn’t terrible, it just wasn’t great. Partially because the movie got so distracted by all of characters they put in and all the comic book stuff they had to pay tribute to that they forgot they were making a movie. Sure it was great to see that one big fat guy, and that one Chinese person nobody cared about, and it was ummmmm… interesting to see Will I Am try and act (try being a VERY important word in that sentence.) But it was all just a little too much. A lot too much in fact.

Wolverine: The Japan Years, I think can be a really good movie as long as we don’t get caught up in the same thing. Hopefully the story will be (ya know) about Wolverine… and Wolverine hacking people into pieces and healing… cause that’s why we like Wolverine people who make X-men. That’s why we like him.

So there you go Interfriends, webberpeeps… whatever. I think Monday I’ll be ready to do an Iron Man 3 review so come on back for that and at some point in the near future I’m gonna make a HUGE announcement about my next adventure into media but we’ll talk about that later! Thanks for reading and have a great weekend!

Well hey Internet, and here we are again, another Thursday another CG Animated typed posting. The last of them, the big one, the bold one, the… blue one. I think… maybe. To check out the CG movies I haven’t watched click here and to view the bottom five click here, but now let us dive forth into the frothing, rolling seas of my brain to wave at the little thought fishes and to fear the razor sharp teeth of my sarcasm Orcas…or Orci… whatever.


Look, some Orci! Orcuses... yeah, never gonna get that right...

Look, some Orci! Orcuses??? yeah, never gonna get that right…

Number 10: Flushed Away

A somewhat little known movie, Flushed Away features the vocal talents of Hugh Jackmen and Ian McKellon!! I mean that’s like… two thirds of the good actors in the X-men franchise right there! The movie also has singing slugs, French toad ninjas (exactly as funny as that sounds), and probably a lot of other things that I don’t remember at all (it’s been a while). Sure it’s about a mouse and a sewer and features a lot of plumbing related adventures but Flushed Away is more than worthy of the Number 10!

Number 9: The Incredibles

Hey look it’s the Incredibles! A movie that had Samuel L. Jackson in it as the legendary Frozone, and featured lots of little kids running around and punching things, the Incredibles also featured a great BS joke and lots of other jokes that sailed merrily over the heads of its child audience and smacked we adults squarely in the forehead. Of course this movie also played on a couple fighting over something as comedy which (let me tell you) it is not. Ever. Never.

Number 8: Hoodwinked

I watched this movie recently and was very surprised to find that the animation in it is actually SUPER dated looking (and not like… take you out on a date, dated. The other kind. The old kind. So if a dated couple goes on a dated date and were to (perchance) eat dates… that’d be all good? Right?) Regardless of that though Hoodwink’s take on the Big Bad Wolf was probably one of the funniest things ever. Sure it had a really annoying song with a goat and some horns, and a weird talking pink bunny; but that wolf was hilarious.

Number 7. Monsters Inc.

A movie that was somehow both about Monsters and energy conservation, Monsters Inc served as a great reminder to us all that Billy Crystal can be funny (regardless of his trying REALLY hard to convince us otherwise in the last couple years.) The adventures of Sully and Mike took us to a warmer happier place where bosses are giant crabs and girlfriends have carnivorous hair.

So if the abominable snowman is an exiled monster is Medusa Mike's girlfriends great great Grandma?

So if the abominable snowman is an exiled monster, is Medusa Mike’s girlfriends great great Grandma?

Number 6: Shrek

I’ll admit that sequels to this movie seemed to go out of their way to try and ruin the original but nothing can tarnish the Robin Hood song, the arena fight, or Eddie Murphy when he was actually still kind of funny (sort of like Billy Crystal.) Shrek is one of the few animated movies that resonated more with adults then with kids. Other movies have really tried to do it since but most of them just tried to gross us into thinking that they were funny which I have found rarely works.

Number 5: Tangled

The official home of the best Disney Song Ever (check out the article here) Tangled also featured some hilarious plot points, a cool take on an old story, and (of course) a great great horse. (Someone asked me to do an article ranking the Disney horses and while that probably won’t happen I’ll go ahead and just give you the breakdown here: 3: Prince Phillip’s Horse 2: Achilles from Hunchback of Notre Dame 1: Maximus from Tangled. And no “Spirit” from Walt Disney’s movie “Spirit: 90 minutes of no talking” did not make it.)

Number 4: How To Train Your Dragon

I didn’t watch this movie for YEARS after it came out but when I finally did I realized how much I had been missing. If nothing else just the special effect of the main dragons fire breath is WELL worth the price of entry let alone the phrase “Massive Dragon of Doom Death Deathitiness” being taken to whole new levels… and I use that phrase a lot. No really. All the time.

Number 3: Megamind

I loved this movie. The whole thing was just this giant spoof of super hero films and animated movies and Will Ferrel did an awesome job voicing the main villain. The story, the humor, and just the way way over the topness of this movie all combine to make it one of my favorites.

No really, it was good, stop looking at me like that.

No really, it was good, stop looking at me like that.

Number 2. Toy Story 2

One of the few sequels I can think of that was better then the original, Toy Story 2 told a great story about some of our favorite Toys out to save the world!!—No wait— I mean a doll. Out to save a doll. But oh what an important doll it was!! Mr. Potato Head and the Piggybank just kept rolling out the great one liners and the Zerg vs. Buzz lightyear fight still plays merrily through whatever parts of my heart aren’t broken and decaying like so many dead T-rex toys.

Number 1. Rango

A movie that a depressing amount of people haven’t seen Rango is an amazing movie, with an amazing story, and a really really great sense of humor. Sure there’s a really weird section where a Lizard talks to “the spirit of the West” but aside from that Rango is probably the movie that best strikes the balance between being a “kids movie” and having a lot of jokes aimed right at my cynical heart! So thanks Rango, thanks for being you!

Everybody say it with me: Thank you Johnny Depp.

Everybody say it with me: Thank you Johnny Depp.

Well there you have it friends! The Ten Best CG Animated movies! Thanks for reading and come back Monday when I will give you the 5 Reasons that I, Micah, am officially buying Man of Steel.

P.S. Scroll down the page a bit and check out our 2 for 1 podcast day!!

P.S.S. Those of you living in/near Greenville who want to see a play I wrote should really go to and get tickets to the show THIS Friday and Saturday! A great performance by two very talented actresses shall (I have no doubt) ensue!