Posts Tagged ‘Jason Bourne’

Internet, we have arrived. Arrived at that final longing look back at 2016 wherein we cast ourselves off from the shores of the old year, look back, and realize that maybe those weren’t the best shores after all. Maybe those shores we’re covered in jagged rocks and the tired faces of sad actors. Maybe we’re better off heading into 2017 after all!

Micah’s Bottom 10 Movies of 2016

Per usual I’ve decided my bottom 10 into two groups of 5. The worst 5 movies I physically saw with my face-eyes, and the worst 5 movies that were thrown at humanity in general. I don’t generally seek out bad movies so my list is mostly movies that were disappointing or didn’t live up to there potential, whereas the other bottom five are… well they’re real bad.

Micah’s 5 Worst Movie Decisions of 2016

  1. Passengers

Slinking in just under the bar is Passengers. A movie that wasted a decent story idea and a great cast, in favor of some genuinely disturbing plot twists and a cliché ending. The saddest thing about Passengers is that it’s about 90% of a good movie, but the 10% that is not good is VERY not good. Passengers is the movie equivalent of getting a delicious steak dinner from a 5 Star restaurant with a dead rat stapled to the bottom of your steak. It’s still a good steak but… probably don’t eat that.

  1. Jason Bourne

There’s nothing egregiously wrong with Jason Bourne (A Jason Bourne Story) but there’s also definitely nothing right with it. Jason Bourne (A Movie from the Jason J. Bourne series) does the absolute minimum number of required things to call itself an action movie and then that’s it. It leaves. It’s a movie that is perfectly encapsulated by its title. Unimaginative, cursory, obligatory, and (of course) Jason Bourne (Keep on Bourning.)

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Cause we told you his name. It’s the movies name… You know his name right?

 

  1. Suicide Squad

I done got hoodwinked on this one guys. I thought this would be the DC movie that finally showed us that DC knew how to make movies… and boy was I wrong. In fact, if anything I feel like this movie showed exactly why DC doesn’t know how to make a good movie. Cause somewhere deep DEEP down in the past of the Suicide Squad, I really believe it was a great movie. All the parts of a great movie are here, the cast is good, the characters are interesting, Will Smith and Margot Robbie are well cast and do their absolute best but in the end you can feel that good movie get buried under re-shoots, script revisions, and just general hand wringing as DC tried to make what could have been a fun under the radar side movie, into a full blown franchise flagship. It (to quote the Hobbit) a bit of butter scraped over too much bread. It turned Will Smith into just a means of expressing tired dialogue, Margot Robbie into nothing more than a walking advertisement for short shorts, and really just made me depressed that this thing wasn’t better. And don’t even get me started on The Enchantress constantly looking like she was in desperate need of a hoola hoop, or the fact that Captain Boomerang doesn’t actually use boomerangs at all or… nevermind. Suicide Squad was really bad guys. And it didn’t have to be.

  1. X-men: Apocalypse

It never really felt like anyone involved in X-men: Apocalypse wanted to be there. The actors just sort of mumbled their way through their lines, the script badly needed to be edited several more times, and even the fight scenes ended up just being a bunch of CGI whirling around followed by people making faces as they summoned various and unexplained aspects of their powers. It was like the whole movie was written and produced exclusively from 2-4 in the morning. Everyone just looked tired and uninterested and like they literally wanted to be anywhere but being involved with yet another X-men movie about being an X-man and how it doesn’t matter how many people Magneto kills as long as he’s sorry for it by the end of the movie. I spent the entirety of X-men: Apocalypse waiting for something to happen to make me care, and that never ever happened.

X-Men-Apocalypse

These bored people, would like to tell you a boring story.

 

  1. Batman V. Superman

Look, I know there are some people out there who really liked Batman V. Superman and I get that. I do. But this whole movie just fell apart for me from the get go. The whole thing was just a series of bad decisions, poor writing, and characters acting like idiots. The actual Batman V. Superman section was short and ended in probably the single worst bit of character reversal I’ve ever seen in my life. Lex Luthor was just a sad, miserable impression of someone doing a bad joker impression (hi Jared Leto.) The whole film was a mess and at least the other messes on this list had some interesting sections to them.

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This terrible character would like to stumble through an incoherent story!

 

Ugh… well that was unpleasant wasn’t it? It’s like if someone went back and showed you the five worst pictures anyone had ever taken of you. Bleh. But now we get to go to the fun part of the blog where we look at 5 really REALLY bad pictures, that I wasn’t in!! (Admittedly the metaphor breaks down some.

The Hollywood What Hath Thou Wrought Bottom 5

5: Alice Through the Looking Glass

What better way to start off our list than an unnecessary, un-asked for sequel to a movie that was (at its best) fine. Alice Through the Looking Glass was a movie that no one watched, no one cared about, and no one wanted. You get the feeling Disney made and released this movie just to prove that they could sometimes make a bad movie. Or maybe they’ve got a group of people on staff that they don’t want to fire but who also shouldn’t be allowed near any of the good Disney properties so they were like “And umm… you guys… make Alice in Wonderland 2!! For reasons…”

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You will never sympathize with a butterflies desire to leave a place, like you will sympathize with this butterflies desire to leave this movie.

 

  1. Zoolander 2

Speaking of unimaginative, unnecessary sequels how about Zoolander 2!! The sequel to a movie that literally just sort of went back and did the exact same story again without even really bothering to hide that fact. Same characters, same recurring jokes, same basic plot. If someone played the first ten minutes of Zoolander 2, and then spliced in Zoolander 1 there’s at least a decent chance most people wouldn’t notice and a VERY good chance the movie itself would be better.

  1. Nine Lives

Look, we all suspected a little bit that this movie would suck. I mean the old “businessman gets turned into a pet and learns about his family and life and things” has been done A LOT before and it’s never really worked out all that well has it? There was at least a chance Kevin Spacey could turn this around but boy did he not do that. Nine lives is very VERY bad. Very bad.

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This is not a picture from  9 Lives… I wouldn’t do that to you guys.

 

  1. Mother’s Day

The latest in a long line of movies loosely based around holidays that feature an “all-star” cast of people and zero actual plot. Who keeps making these movies??? What studio keeps saying, “well it hasn’t worked the last five times we tried to do this, but THIS sad script and ensamble cast of slightly out of fashion stars will DEFINITELY work!!”

  1. Norm of the North

Traditionally here on Thoughts We Might Have Had we save this top spot for Adam Sandler or (when Sandler’s not around) his friends. With Sandler hiding his “light” under a bushel over at Netflix, I’m sure he’d be happy to know Rob Schneider stepped into the gap with a movie that received a whopping 9% from Rotten Tomatoes and heavily featured a Polar Bear… twerking. And on that horrible, horrendous note, let’s wave goodbye forever to 2016. May we never darken its island again.

Well hello Internet, and welcome to our 5th yes, FIFTH, annual Thoughts We Might Have Had Summer Movie Awards. The Awards show that rewards, excellence, creativity, and sharks. So let’s put on our finest outfits, toss back some alcohols, and get ready to remember all the good times, and try desperately to drink away the bad.

TWMHH: 2016 Summer Movie Awards

Biggest Goldblum Waste – Independence Day Resurgance

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Oh Jeff, we hardly knew ye.

 

I weirdly watched a LOT of Jeff Goldblum movies this summer. I marathoned the Jurassic Park movies with my wife, and then jumped straight into the original Independence Day and you know what I realized? Jeff Goldblum is actually pretty dang talented. He’s really good. Charming, funny, easy to root for, I don’t believe he hasn’t been in more things honestly, so, needless to say, I was really excited to see him back in his old Indpendence Day roll, and he did really well… except he wasn’t actually in it that much. In fact he was barely in it at all. What?!?! I say to you again: WHAAAATTTTTT?!?!?!?!? Not only did you make a mediocre movie that felt like an 80s movie (but in a very not good way) you didn’t use what was inarguably your best asset?? Such a bluming waste.

Best kids movie – Finding Dory

Oh look, it’s a Pixar movie. And it was the best one of the summer. This award is just getting boring at this point. It’s the Simone Biles of categories, you know who’s going to win before you even start. Finding Dory was a brilliantly put together, well cast movie, that was both great for kids, and taught some excellent lessens to kids and adults. I mean, the third act kind of stumbled a bit towards the end and it wasn’t in the same category as Inside Out but it was definitely a great movie, and easily the best kids movie of the summer.

Most unnecessary sequel – Teenage Mutants Ninja Turtles 2

Another great year for this depressing category. I mean the competition ranged from Now You See Me 2, to Ice Age Whatever the heck number it is, to The Purge 3 (for some reason), and even tread into comedy with Neighbors 2. Just so much sequelage. That no one asked for. But TMNT 2 easily took the prize this year not just because it itself was terrible, but because it was the sequel to universally disliked movie. I mean… why? Who gives these people money?? WHY do they give them money? It’s just… why?

Biggest Meh: Warcraft

A movie that was supposed to finally get the video game to movie transition right, and ended up just being just another movie that couldn’t reconcile itself with its own larger world. A movie that was weighed down by its own video game lore, and by the large accrued by its cast.

warcraft

For those of you wondering: yes, I have made that joke before.

 

Borringest name: Jason Bourne

“Who’s in this movie??”

“Jason Bourne.”

“Let’s just named it that.”

“Okay but… you see sir, we’ve named all the other movies with the whole ‘The Bourne: Something’ theme. Wouldn’t it be literally a million times easier for the audience, and more in line with the rest of the series if we carried on with that.”

“Nope. We’re calling it Jason Bourne.”

“Fine, but we’re gonna put more effort into the script and the story than we did the title right?”

“Sure… yeah… definitely.”

Most Unnecessary Caring: Ghostbusters

Look, I thought the backlash from this movie was stupid, unnecessary, and sad. I just wish it had been a better movie. It wasn’t a bad movie: it was fine. The cast made an unremarkable script better than it could have been, but they just didn’t have enough to work with. In the end I guess the good news is it seems even all the haters and internet types have moved on to something else and I’m sure they’ll find a way to ruin something else, but I just wish the movie had been great. But it was not.

Most Shark: The Shallows

The Shallows was a surprisingly good, very taught, well told movie. But the real shocker here is that somehow The Shallows stole the incredibly coveted (and not made up) Most Shark Award from Finding Dory. I mean… WHAT?!?!?!?!?

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Fish are friends, she’s food.

 

Most Abs: The Legend of Tarzan

You can say that this movie was unoriginal, unimaginative, and bland but you can’t say it didn’t have sweet sweet abs.

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I wasn’t gonna put a picture here, but I didn’t want to deal with the angry letters asking why I had turned down a chance to put ab to screen.

 

Least Surprises – X-men: Apocalypse

This movie even felt extremely unsurprised in this movie. The characters were characters we know just sort of… again. Magneto went on the same journey he’s gone on the last four movies, people had cool superpowers until it was convenient to the story for them not to have them, and Angel was a really stupid mutant with dumb powers.

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Look out he might… wing at you… or something.

 

Even Apocalypse himself just sort of walked around and stared at things and talked incessantly about exactly what he was going to do, just in case the audience wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to do. The whole thing was just… predictable.

Movie No One Cared About – Alice Through the Looking Glass.

Sigh. I just… Nah. I’m not talking about this.

Movie I Saw the Least – Nine Lives

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The real question is: How did they get Kevin Spacey to be in this train wreck??

 

Look, movies where uppity businessmen get turned into something (animals, family members… Herbie??) and then reconnect with their families are nothing new. This one had the slight intrigue of featuring both Kevin Spacey and Christopher Walken, but in the end (to the great surprise of no one) it was the worst, clocking in at a whopping 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. And thusly: I did not see it.

Biggest Unpleasant Surprise – Suicide Squad

The got me again guys. I really thought DC was gonna put out a good movie… and they didn’t. It was real bad. Certain parts of it worked, specifically the cast who all did very good work, but the script and the editing just slaughtered what could have been a really good movie. I was talking to a friend yesterday about DC’s almost mystifying inability to create even a decent movie. Like not even “yeah that was pretty good.” Which they really should be able to do, they’ve got interesting characters, and can obviously attract talented actors, so why can’t they make a movie that hits even a medium level of goodness??? It really is just bizarre at this point.

Biggest Pleasant Surprise – Star Trek: Beyond

Look guys: I was real wrong on this one. For some reason I just couldn’t really get into Star Trek: Beyond, but honestly it was super fun. I really enjoyed it from start to finish and the final battle was easily one of the best pulled off ideas I’ve seen. It was fantastic. The cast was great, the script was good, and it just felt like the big, fun, summer movie we hadn’t really gotten since May. It’s still in most theaters so if you haven’t seen it yet I HIGHLY recommend it.

Movie of the Summer – Captain America: Civil War

Civil War

As if it could be anything else.

 

Yep, it was the first real summer movie, and it was the best. The story, the acting, the visuals, the fight scenes. It was all here. And it was all great. I mean how can you not appreciate a movie that not only, is yet another sterling entry (and an argument could be made that it’s the best entry) in the anti-DC fun times Marvelverse, but also saves Spiderman!! I mean come on!

So there you go guys, another year, another set of summer movie awards. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you Tuesday for another reader mailbag so submit your questions to thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com or in the comments below!

Hello, friends, Internet, and creepy Uncle Ted’s and welcome back to the wonderful, frosting covered wonder that is Thoughts We Might Have Had. Today we return to that old favorite: The Box Office Top Ten, where we talk about the Box, the Office, and what you probably should never ever watch!! We’ve got ten movies to cover here, so why not just pull out our tiny crochet needles and make us some covers!!

Box Office Top Ten 8/2/2016

Number 10: The Legend of Tarzan

Look, if you haven’t seen the Legend of Tarzan yet, you probably won’t enjoy it. If this is your type of movie, with its shirtless men and it’s screamy gorillas, than you’ll probably enjoy it. But you’ve also probably already seen it. If this movie doesn’t look like it’s your kind of thing it’s really not good enough to change your mind. The plot is fairly generic, the characters are ones you’ve seen before, and you can go online at any time and look at pictures of shirtless men.

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Good with the running… bad with the bathing.

 

Number 9: Finding Dory

This movie just keeps hanging in there on the top ten list and I’ve run out of things to say about it. It’s great. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it. But you’ve seen it right? I mean what else are you doing with your time?? Ya nerd.

Number 8: Nerve

Not gonna lie, I have no idea what this movie is about. And I do not care. At all. Something something, teen movie. Don’t care.

Number 7: Ghostbusters

I’m so glad this movie is out and everyone seems to have stopped freeking out about it. It’s a movie guys, decent to pretty good movie starring a great cast with a script that never really entirely lives up to its full potential. It’s fine. It’s sad that this movie will be remembered mostly for all the controversy that swirled around it, but at least we can all find something else to do with our time now.

Number 6: Lights Out

A slightly above average horror movie with a monster that doesn’t want to come out in the light… ya know, like all monsters. Monster aside though, this movie manages to distinguish itself from its peers with a solid cast and some surprisingly intricate storytelling.

Lights-Out-Movie

This movie sponsored by Duke Energy.

 

Number 5: Ice Age: Collission Course

Look guys, Ice Age has had a surprisingly good run. One was great, two was kinda meh, but three and four were actually pretty good! That said: this is a REAL bad movie folks. Real bad. Just… please don’t watch it. Get one of the old movies (except for 2) and watch that… everybody wins that way. Except the makers of Ice Age: Collision Course, and those people should not win.

Number 4: The Secret Life of Pets

A perfectly acceptable kids movie about some pets. It doesn’t reach the emotional depth of Finding Dory, but neither does it really try to. It is, what it is, and it is fine. Good even, just don’t expect it to do your taxes or anything.

Number 3: Bad Moms

Look, you’ve seen this movie. Some moms get together and decide to do some very un-mom thing, only to learn that they love being moms (but also should indulge their wild side.) There. I save you ten dollars. You’re welcome, let’s move on.

Number 2: Star Trek Beyond

I was somehow SUPER wrong about this movie. I mean I was in no way excited for this, and thought it looked like just another sci-fi movie about some sci-fi stuff. Turns out Star Trek Beyond is a really great, fun entry in the series more along the lines with the fun, energy of the first movie than the more dour second one (which I really liked too.) Anyway, if you haven’t seen Star Trek Beyond yet, you really need to. It’s great… and I’m sorry I doubted you Star Trek. I’m so sorry….

Number 1: Jason Bourne

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You do know his name right?? We forgot for a while, seemed to think it was Jeremy Renner for a bit there.

 

Yeah, I know… it’s a dumb title. Watch this: The Bourne Resurrection. See how much better that is? See how it goes along with the rest of the series titles?? (The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Ultimatum etc.) The good news is that this bland, uninspired title, perfectly matches the bland and uninspired movie!! Look, there’s nothing criminally wrong with The Bourne Rebourning. It’s okay. There’s a decent car chase or two, and Matt Damon does well with Bourne (though Bourne has roughly the emotional range of a damp lint brush. But there’s really nothing here that does anything new for the series or the genre. It’s just more, slightly watered down Jason Bourne-ing.

So there you go guys, party on with your Donkey Kong, go see Star Trek and I will see you Friday!!

Okay Internet, I’m back, I’m semi-rested, moderately grumpy, and sort of conscious. And that’s about as good as it’s gonna get for this week. So let’s try and push those holiday doldrums aside, stifle our yawns, and take a look ahead at the month of July and the movies that will be found therein.

July 2016 Movie Preview

July 8th

Cell – An adaptation of a Stephen King novel starring Samuel L Jackson and John Cusack that currently sits at a whopping ZERO percent on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s real bad guys. Don’t watch it. There is no joke here, because there is nothing funny about the utter suckitude that is Cell.

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You’ve really got to work, to make a movie this bad based on a book this good.

 

The Secret Life of Pets – From the studio that just keeps making movies about the minions for some dang reason, comes the Secret Life of Pets. A perfectly serviceable kids movie. There’s nothing great here, it’s not Inside Out, it’s not even Finding Dory. But hey, your kids will like this, you’ll probably get a laugh or to, there will inevitably be some questions asked about whether or not your current house pets actually can talk, but there’s nothing wrong with The Secret Life of Pets.

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates – A generic R rated comedy from the makers of such things. If you like this sort of ‘shock humor’ this is probably worth the watch, but if you’re not a fan of the genre this won’t make you one. A strong cast makes the fairly blah script come across as slightly above average, but that’s about all that can be said for it.

In summary: The July 8th Weekend is a buffet line of the unremarkable. And Cell is the gum that gets stuck to the bottom of your shoe while you wait in line.

July 15th

Ghostbusters – So everyone hates this apparently. I don’t know why. Maybe they’re sexists, maybe they just really like the original Ghostbusters and don’t feel like we needed a whole new universe, or maybe the uninspired looking trailers have set people off about it. It’s a weird thing. As someone who enjoyed the originals (but didn’t base a religion around it or anything) I’m fine with a new ghostbusters movie, and I was legitimately excited when the cast was announced (though Emma Stone should have been in it) but even I will admit that the trailers haven’t really looked that good. I’ll be interested in the early reviews but for my part I’m predicting the movie will be fine. It won’t be good, it won’t be bad, it’ll be fine. But everyone will hate it anyway. Cause that’s apparently what we’ve decided.

Ghostbusters-2016

Never have people hated so much four girls wearing window washers clothes.

 

July 22nd

Star Trek Beyond – Maybe it’s the July 4th malaise talking but I can’t get excited about Star Trek Beyond. It just seems kind of generic and uninspired… or maybe that’s just me I don’t know. I was surprised how much I liked the first movie and I REALLY liked the second movie but this one I just can’t get on board with. It’s like when your phone rings and you see that it’s someone calling you that you haven’t talked to in a few years and you’re just like “Yeah, I like this person but…. Do I really care???”

July 29th

Jason Bourne

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Yes, yes we do. From those other three movies he was in.

 

I’m very interested to see where this goes. Jason Bourne started a whole new wave of spy movies that has honestly kind of come and gone. I mean, Daniel Craigs’ James Bond was basically a beat for beat copy of the Bourne franchise and even that is basically done at this point. And if we’ve learned anything about James Bond it’s that once James Bond has finished beating a dead horse, that horse is well and truly dead. But who knows, maybe Bourne can bring it back. Resurrect it. Give it new life. Have it be… Re-bourne.

Thank you!! Thank you!! I’ll be here all night!! Or at least… on Friday.

Well hello Inter-friends and welcome back to party Island, the Love Boat, Gilligan’s Island, and Green Acres… Don’t really know why I decided to name a bunch of old TV shows in my opening guys but there it is. Indelibly splattered across the face of the Internet forever. Carved in the most permanent of stone all across the face of this noble web, never to be forgot.

But moving on from my errant footprints in the sands of time let’s talk about some trailer shall we? Starting with the thing that I mentioned in my last blog that looked really awesome…

The Magnificent Seven –

Yup, the first couple pictures to be released from this looked pretty sweet and now that we’ve seen the first trailer for it I am all sort of excited. I mean that thing just looks awesome, and fun, and cool and all westerny. Admittedly I have a soft spot in my heart for westerns having watched MANY John Wayne movies many and many a year ago when I was but a small Pilgrim, but still this looks pretty great. Denzel, Chris Pratt, Ethan Hawke… for some reason. I’m very excited for this.

Jason Bourne

I can’t decide whether I really care about this movie or not. I mean it looks fine, it will undoubtedly be: a movie in which things get punched. But I feel like I’ve seen everything this trailer has to show me before. I don’t necessarily think it will be a bad movie and I love the addition of Tommy Lee Jones, who (like literally every old person in this entire movie series) will eventually end up getting killed by Jason Bourne professional ageist assassin. I’m also not convinced it’ll be anything more than just another spy movie that happens to have Matt Damon’s face attached to it. Loved the original and 2 and 3 weren’t bad, but this movie is definitely entering that dreaded, been there, done that, territory.

When a Monster Calls

This was one of my most anticipated films of the year, and it still looks like it’s gonna be really great. It’s based on a great book and has the ever awesome, soothy growly chocolate covered voice of Mr. Liam Neeson. I may change my name to Connor O’Malley just so I can have a recording of Liam Neeson saying my name with his tree-monster voice. I mean that’s just fantastic.

Dr. Strange

Okay, so, don’t get me wrong, I am VERY excited for Civil War next month… but this is the thing I’m most excited to watch this year. I mean this looks great, and VERY different from other Marvel entries and it’ll just be cool to see how this changes everything in the Marvel-verse thus far. I mean, they’ve been VERY careful about introducing too many supernatural things on Earth, basically keeping things very science-based even when they were on Asgard but Strange is basically all magic all the time. This also looks a good bit darker than the rest of the Marvel-verse has been thus far and while obviously I’m sure there will be some levity here, I do think this will be more grim throughout as they try to both counter balance the weirdness of the magic and try and step outside of the Ant-man/Ironman comparison to do something more outside the box. I’m all in on this and am very interested to see what’s coming down the pipe as we barrel on through 2016.

So there you have it guys!! A quicker post today but I wanted to get my thoughts out on these before they were lost forever to the four winds. Check back next week when I do a May preview and once again visit the classic Disney vaults to ruin some childhoods!!

 

Well hello Internet, friends, family, people who have accidentally clicked on this website and will be grossly disappointed by its contents. No matter what road you took to get here, or what road you’ll take to leave here, welcome to here. The place we call: “here.” And now: on to the headlines.

The Weekly Headlines 4/19/2016

So we now live in a world where this exists.

denzel

You’re welcome world.

 

Yeah, I’m in granted, it’s still not a great world. But I’m super excited for that mess. Denzel, Pratt, and Vincent D’Noff… that guy from Daredevil is in there too. The Magnificent Seven is supposed to hit theaters September 23rd and I am all in. I mean what was the last great Western?? True Grit?? In 2010? Yeah. I’m in on this like flys on a dead dog. Like a dead dog on a dead log. Like Abraham Lincoln on a log cabin. And other westernisms.

Netflix’s next new series: Iron Fist started production recently! Very excited to see where this goes and to watch some sweet sweet Kung Fu fighting. I had some questions about the Netflixiverse after Daredevil season 1’s pacing problems but a great Jessica Jones series and a really solid second outing for Daredevil has me back in. Excited for this and for Luke Cage and then the Defenders super combo series!! There’s so much to be excited for, the world is a magical place! Why am I filled with bitterness again?

awesome

James Cameron announced plans to make 4 Avatar movies. Oh right… that’s why.

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Look James, I got the first movie, sure it was basically just Blue Pocahontas. But it was real pretty, so I guess that’s something. But 4 movies??? 4 movies based around the idea of “hey look at that thing.” And all of them featuring the semi-talents of Hollywoods “Oh he’s not as talented as we thought he was”  Sam Worthington? Thanks James, but no thanks. Maybe go back and fix the Terminator franchise or something, I don’t know, but let’s just leave the fact that Avatar is somehow still the highest grossing movie of all time and minimize our cinematic shame.

Captain America: Civil War (premiering May 6th) has gotten positive early reviews thus far. This needs to be taken with all the grains of salt though as most movies that let people watch them this early only let people watch them who they know will like them. I mean “Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Ignoring Character Building” got good early reviews and that movie currently sits at a whopping 28% on Rotten Tomatoes. That said, it seems to be a really solid movie and I am ALL the excited about it. ALL the excited. Oh and apparently (according to rumor) Spiderman is in it more than a lot of people thought, so that’s a win.

Suicide Squad released it’s last trailer last week and it honestly still looks pretty good. The trailer at least made it look like Batman is featured fairly heavily (always nice) and the movie really seems to be trying to distance itself from Batman V Superman which is a VERY good thing in this case. And hey, at least this DC product has released great trailers that haven’t given away the villain, the plot, and the twist at the end. They’re learning… slowly. But they’re learning.

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What do you mean we shouldn’t give away huge swaths of the plot??

 

Jason Bourne (cause apparently we’re not putting a 4 next to that for some reason) is releasing a trailer this Thursday. The movie hits theaters July 29th and as far as we know we’re all ignoring that whole “Jeremy Renner is the new Bourne” thing that happened. Which is fine with me cause I certainly ignored that movie so why should I demand any more out of the company that spent millions of dollars producing it?

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JasonBourne: Because numbers and spaces are for wimps.

 

The Jungle Book took the top spot at the box office this week, playing on the nostalgia of parents, childrens desires to see talking animals, and Disney’s desire to take over the world one dollar at a time. Batman V Superman has fallen all the way to number 4 just ahead of the wildly better (and also talkingly animaled) Zootopia. Behind Zootopia is “Criminal” a movie from the continueing extremely odd trend of old white guys trying to be Liam Neeson. Look guys, there’s only one Liam Neeson.  And he’s Liam Neeson. And he’s probably standing right behind you with a gun.

And in a late addition to this week’s Headlines, Warcraft released a new Trailer this morning. And guys… I’m mostly out on this being a great movie. It MIGHT still be good, it will probably be fun. But I think it’s definitely out on greatness. Just the acting seems spotty, and the more I watch the Orcs the more I think we won’t really be able to connect with them as characters. They just look kinda rubbery. And the story is basically Warcraft 3, which is fine, that’s about what I expected, but the acting has me concerned. I think it will definitely be a fun sort of nostalgic run through swords and shields and magic, but it’s not gonna have the gravitas needed to reach that Lord of the Rings kind of greatness.

And there you go fair friends, brothers and sisters of this Interconnected Web-like device. Fare thee well, until I see thee once more upon Friday.