Posts Tagged ‘James Bond’

Well hey guys, and welcome to June. A month primarily known for being before July. I mean, I got married in June and June was REAL excited about it. Nothing happens in June, or at least nothing good. And yes: I’m looking at you Warcraft. But more on that in a paragraph.

Weekly Headlines 6/1/2016

Well, it’s been a paragraph guys, so let’s talk about Warcraft. You know how I’ve been increasingly worried that the movie would suck?? It kinda sucks. It seems to have fallen to that classic book/video game problem of being stuck between trying to tell a new story, trying to pay service to its fans, and trying to bring in casual non-fans. It’s a tough line to walk, and for every movie that does it successfully (Lord of the Rings) there are about ten that do it unsuccessfully (The Mortal Instruments, The last two Hunger Games movies, The Host, 6 other examples.) It’s a tough thing to do, and Warcraft has not done it.


The good news is we didn’t spend a lot on CGI… oh wait.

So Daniel Craig is officially out as James Bond Angry Face. Look, of the four movies Craig was in 2 were good (Skyfall, and Casino Royale) one was fine (Spectre) and one was real real bad (Quantum of Solace) and really that’s not a bad run as James Bond. But that’s over now. Thank you Mr. Craig, you may go home now. So who’s next?? Well the current favorite seems (note the SEEMS) to be Tom Hiddleston. Who is unequivocally a great choice. Maybe take Bond away from Craigs sort of stone face machoness and make him a little more fun? After all if James Bond has been good at anything over the years it’s been mimicking whatever is popular in the action genre at the time, Craig’s Bond was a reaction to Jason Bourne for instance. The popular thing now though is sort of the wise cracking, smart mouthed, Tony Stark style action hero and Hiddleston could definitely do that. So more power to Mr. Hiddleston, but really, whatever. It doesn’t matter. It’s James Bond… it’ll be fine.

The Power Rangers producer says he’s anticipating 7-8 Power Rangers movies in the new franchise. I mean on the one hand… I guess??? I mean we’re on 6 Transformers movies and the absolute best one of those was the first one which was “Surprisingly not entirely terrible.” You don’t even need to make a good movie to continue to make movies anymore, all you need is a fan base that for some unknown reason keeps coming to the theater. That said: there will not be 7 Power Rangers movies. Heck I’ll be surprised if there are 3 Power Rangers movies. The first movie will come out and it will be bad but not TOO bad and it will make some money, so some hammered brained studio exec somewhere will say “WE CAN FIX IT!!!” and they’ll make a second movie, which will be terrible and make no money and the franchise will die. So it is spoken, so let it be done.


Power Rangers??? I guess???

Speaking of doomed franchises: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Sorry about the First One.” Comes out this week… and it’s real bad. Some would say worse than the first one, some would say worse than ANY one. Like literally, any one thing. Ever. Dead muskrat corpse?? Worse. Thanks for making a sequel guys. All the people who could have used that 70 million dollars you spent on this, really appreciate it.

Pitch Perfect 3 has been pushed from July 2017 to December 2017. I mean whatever, I’m sad that this won’t be out in July but this means Christmas songs. Pitcher Perfect with Christmas songs?? That’ll work.


I don’t know, ladies, but it’s apparently not English majors…

On DVD this week Gods of Egypt and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, easily the most rentable movies ever. I mean no one wants to pay 10 dollars to watch these train wrecks… but don’t you kind of want to see the train wreck?? And the train wreck does have some interesting parts… so rent it. It wasn’t worth ten dollars, but it’s probably worth 1.99. Probably.

Finally: two TV shows are trying to cash in on 80’s franchises and they both look terrible. Lethal Weapon seems like it’s gonna be a bored, tired, has been done better cop show. And MacGyver, which is a series idea that has not aged well. I mean in the 80’s if someone told you that you could make a nuclear reactor out of a paper clip, two pieces of gum, and a toaster you would believe them. Technology was magic back then.


Of course, the part of MacGyver’s hair was played by two actual ferrets.

For all we knew the only difference between a toaster and a nuclear reactor WAS a piece of gum. This however is 2016. Every third video on my Facebook page is some moron telling me how to make a lampshade out of an old computer and a t-shirt. Everyone can be MacGyver. Everyone with the patience to sit through YouTube ads.

There you have it guys, have a great week, and check in Friday when I preview the movies of June!!

Internet!! How’s it going? How was your labor day? Mine was (in an ironic twist that the people who named it really should have thought of) VERY not labory. But hey, whatever, it’s not my fault people suck at naming things. A couple people messaged me about doing one of my “History of Everything” posts on Labor Day but let me tell you strangers: Labor Day is both boring AND depressing. Labor Day was originally proposed by some Union bosses somewhere but it didn’t actually get approved until after some workers were shot during  the Pullman Labor Strike. What’s funny about that? Nothing. Also: not interesting. Also: I just recapped the whole thing in like… four sentences. So terrible idea people who PM’d me. Terrible.

So anyway, as opposed to doing that idea (which was stupid and dumb and boring) I’m gonna do what I generally do: awesomeness.

The Bottom 5: On Screen Couples

Movies are full of couples we love: like ummm… Okay so couples aren’t my area of expertise… but there are some good ones… Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone we’re awesome! Liam Neeson and Liam Neesons punching fists of death are pretty awesome. But instead of focusing on positive romances (which I generally suck at) let’s focus on horrible relationships of terribleness (which I am GREAT at.) Starting with our first entry:

5. Tobey Macguire and Kirstin Dunst – Spiderman

A terrible pairing of bad actors whose relationship got steadily more and more face bludgeringly annoying as their series went. Let the record show that not everyone on this list is necessarily a bad actor (though these two are) sometimes it’s just a matter of a bad story or a bad pairing of good actors. But for both the mind numbing stupidity and the face melting lack of face moving I’m proud to hand this award to Toby and Kirstin. Acting aside the whole Spiderman/Mary Jane thing or SpiderJane as we must call them just spiraled downward throughout the series.

Those helmets make my soul hurt.

Those helmets make my soul hurt. Kind of like those people wearing them!

They were dating, she was dating someone else, he was dating someone else, she was getting married, he was covered in some sort of black goo that turned him into a Spiderjerk and then there was crying. Lots of crying. Just… just so much crying. An inordinate amount of crying. Like, give these kids some ice and they’d have a whole ALS challenge all to themselves.

4. Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss – The Matrix

Because you knew this list would feature Keanu Reeves at some point, and who better to pair his bricked up face with then with the equally cement laden face of Carrie-Anne Moss! Yes ladies and gentleman the Matrix a series that started off pretty nicely with an okay movie about a computer program that was in our brains… or was our brains… or something. Neo and Trinity  were okay in the first film… they were in love but in a very sort of… stare at each other way. And if there was one thing these two are good at its staring at things. Practically everything. Exclusively.

But as with the Spiderman films things went DRASTICALLY downhill from there. Mostly cause they made two more movies and each movie got progressively more and more ridiculous. And then the director had the bald faced audacity to WALK IN and ask them to show emotions. EMOTIONS!!!

 3. Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz – What Happens in Vegas

I feel like the words “Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz” together in a sentence should explain exactly why they are on this list. They are Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher. Boom.

2. Pierce Brosnan and ALL the Bond Girls – James Bond

Oh Pierce Brosnan… why were you James Bond?? I mean he single handedly forced the British to re-boot this series. If it hadn’t been for the wonderful blond wonderyness that is Daniel Craig who knows what would have happened to James Bond? Fortunately: there was Daniel Craig.

Brosnan somehow managed to make James Bond not just into an unmanly pansy man of terribleness but also into kind of a jerk. A smarmi unnapealing jerkface who women would fall for about as realistically as they would fall in love with a rotten beef brisket.

On the plus side: nice hair.

On the plus side: nice hair.

And the number one worst couple ever in the history of everything ever is:

 1. Hayden Christenson and Natalie Portman – Star Wars

No offense meant to Natalie Portman who I genuinely think is talented but this was not a difficult decision. Most of that credit goes to Haden Christenson who (in semi-related news) is the worst actor ever. But it wasn’t just Hayden Christianson (though it was mostly that) it was also some of most mind numbingly bad dialogue in anything ever. Lines like: “I’d rather dream about you” “I like sand”  “I wish that I could just wish away my feelings, but I can’t.”  “My heart is… beating” and many many other gems of utter terribleness.

"It's okay honey... you'll be in Marvel movies later."

“It’s okay honey… you’ll be in Marvel movies later.”

Anakin and Padme’ were the all-star star shining brightly in the sky, guiding all the other bad couples home.  So thanks George Lucas, thanks Hayden Christenson because of you we can know exactly how low we can go.

You guys rock. At being terrible.


Posted: December 6, 2012 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , , ,

Hey there internet and welcome to Thursday a day that is much better then Monday for reasons I don’t care to get into right now. (all of them. All of the reasons, that is why Thursday is better.) And upon this Thursday I wish to wish you all a very Merry Christmas!! And then ignore Christmas for at least one more day while I review Skyfall. Who knows, maybe I’ll acknowledge Christmas on this blog next week… though I wouldn’t hold your breath on that. Anyway though enough of this holiday jibber-jabber, it’s time for everybody’s favorite bold fonted announcement font!!

Micah Reviews: Skyfall


Apparently Britain is just FULL of these tunnels.

James Bond’s 23rd movie total and 3rd movie starring the ruggedly rugged chin of Daniel Craig. Craig’s first Bond movie (Casino Royal) was awesome! A great re-boot for a series that had suffered far, far too long under the lame lamity lameness of Pierce Brosnan. His second movie (Quantum of Solace) took all of the things that were great about the first movie and ignored them entirely. So will Skyfall be a turn around for the super spy, or a continued spiral into the depths of British spy suckiness? Only time will tell!! Only. Time. Also this post…

The Plot:

The movie opens with a chase scene but already sprinkled into its delightfully actioned pork butt are the salts of the movies underlying theme: the decisions of Bond’s boss “M.” The sequence ends climactically and then leads into what might be one of the coolest opening credit montages ever. Ever. I’m not a huge Adele fan but this song was awesome and the graphics were cool. It was the first time I’ve ever sat through a whole credit opening without thinking “Why don’t they just do these at the end of the movie” and that’s saying something seeing as I have the patience of an angry grey squirrel.

Daniel Craig: Suaver then Suave

Daniel Craig: Suaver then Suave

From the opening chase were carried through a well laid out plotline that brings James through a long story of intrigue and betrayal. Bond meets one of M’s former protégés and must confront the reality of his own mortality and deeper questions about his own place in the world. Also someone throws a train at him. That’s the sort of mix that Skyfall gets so right, it’s a perfectly blended mix of some truly deep background and philosophy, with the more actiony train throwy sections we’ve come to expect from James Bond. This should probably go somewhere else but frankly it’s hard to talk about the plot without talking about how well this movie’s story is mixed with this movies philosophy.

In the end James and M must confront their demons, all the while running from the one man who represents those demons most. The plot twists, turns, and burns some ferns on its way to an epic final showdown and a dry martini. (I may have made up the ferns… sorry. My life is a lie)

The Negatives:

Not really a lot to say here. If I was really trying to be nitpicky I would say that at one point James goes for more of a “distraction” in a gunfight when he pretty obviously had the upper hand but I can’t really fault him for that given what was at stake. I wasn’t a huge fan of the acting done by one of the Bond girls but she wasn’t exactly playing  a character with a ton of depth either so it didn’t negatively affect my experience.  This is like eating a jelly bean and complaining that you’re still hungry. This girl’s job was too look attractive and let James Bond take advantage of her vulnerable mental state. And she did that. So… yay?

"So I'm thinking we just ignore the acting part and focus on the hotness for this one? Whose with me??" -Whoever was in charge of casting.

“So I’m thinking we just ignore the acting part and focus on the hotness for this one? Whose with me??” -Whoever was in charge of casting.

The Positrons:

The two strongest parts of this movie are definitely the acting and the storytelling dynamic. Daniel Craig’s Bond is such a great mix of confident and vulnerable that you can’t help but root for him as the movie goes. Judi Dench’s “M” is conflicted and haunted by her past, but also more than strong enough to face the consequences of her actions. Javier Bardem delivers a terrifying and believable villain who only gets better as the movie goes on. The whole cast is so stand up and the plot gives each of these awesome characters time to shine in their own right. It’s a beautifully told, beautifully acted story.

I am not the hugest of Bond fans (not a fat joke). I’ve seen most of the original Sean Connery movies, and a random spattering of other Bonds here and there. That said even I appreciated some of the films nods to the past and while I’m sure there were some I missed none of them really detracted from my enjoyment of the film.

Just a great new direction for Bond. In the old days James Bond was all about the hot girls, crazy huge set pieces (laser battle in space?), and the random weird inventions (exploding pens). The reason Bond seemed to lose a bit of steam more recently was that audiences started looking for more depth from their heroes. It wasn’t enough for James to solve all his problems with a grin and a one-liner. With this movie I feel like they’ve finally found the right balance of a classic James Bond feel while still setting a great storyline and creating a believable character.

In Conclusion:

Even that statue knows that there's no point picking a fight with James Bond.

Even that statue knows that there’s no point picking a fight with James Bond.

Skyfall is a great movie, featuring a strong cast, a great storyline, and a great lead character. If you’re a fan of the series (or even just a fan of great movies) you won’t be at all disappointed. I give it 5 well made martini’s out of 5!

Okay guys so… I watched the Grey this weekend… and… I’m not ready to talk about it yet… I’m just… I’m not ready. My heart I… I can’t take it. I’ll right about it on Thursday okay? I will… I just… I need time. Just let me say that it was one of the most emotionally deep roller coaster rides I have ever been on. I almost cried… my fiance’ did cry. Also there were a TON of f-bombs. A ton. And yet there was… nope. Not. Ready. I’ll talk on Thursday… I’m… I’m gonna go eat some skittles… hang on.

Okay. I feel better. Oh Liam Neeson… I knew you would punch a wolf… I didn’t know you would punch my heart… okay hang on. I’m gonna go break me off a piece of that kit-kat bar.

Okay… I’m back. So as opposed to talking about The… (sniffle)… that movie. I’m gonna talk about as many random things as possible in the hopes that it will district me from the Liam Neeson’s fist sized hole in my soul.

The Amazing Spider-Man: This movie (in my opinion) continues to give it’s nay sayers more and more reason to stop saying nay. Just stop it! Andrew Garfield looks awesome, Emma Stone is under rated and great, and Rhys Ifans looks like he’s playing the Lizard as not just an emotionlessly evil person (see all the villains in Spiderman 3) but as a man who really has a conscience that’s gradually worn away by his own choices.

What? You’re making Spiderman relevant and cool again as opposed to whiny and crying?? (GASP!!)

My biggest defense for this movie has always been that we need more Spiderman in our lives. I’m a huge fan of the Batman series (in case you hadn’t noticed) and I’m glad that Chris Nolan is stopping at a trilogy cause I think it’s going to be epic and going any further with such a great cast and script writer and crew would only lessen the great work they’ve already done. BUT ten years from now… Five years from now when I’ve been without a new batman movie for that long?? I’ll probably be ready for a re-vamp. Not because this series has been bad, but because I want more Batman movies.

The first two Spiderman movies were great. I liked them a lot and while they had their weaknesses they were made before we had really realized just how great super-hero movies could be. But Spiderman 3 I think we can all agree was terrible. And yet we’ve been stuck on that last spiderman movie for the last what? 5 years? That’s like eating the sour grape in the bunch and then fasting for a weak. Hopefully the Amazing Spiderman will serve as a surprisingly strong altoids mint that will remind us all why we liked the first two movies to begin with.

Avengers: Now the 4th highest grossing film of all time Avengers is still awesome. Just thought I’d give you a status update. If you haven’t seen this movie please go see it. You won’t regret it!!… unless you hate feeling good… or can’t stand to watch awesome things punch less awesome things in the face.

Cowgirls and Angels: No seriously, they’re making this movie. I promise. My first thought was this was some hilarious parody of last summers “Cowboys and Aliens” but it turns out it’s a heartwarming story about a girl and her dog… I mean horse… I mean Rodeo clown. And she’s looking for her father but instead meets a roving group of rodeo women… Man that was boring even to type. Pretty sure my fingers just fell asleep. I mean wouldn’t you be more likely to watch this movie if it was about a rogue Angel who was cast from heaven and landed in a town in the Civil War? And all the men were off fighting so it was up to Mary Maybelline to lead the courageous women in the town in a desperate defense against “the Fallen One?” I mean man… I’d watch that. And yes I realize the technical title of this movie is Cowgirls -N- Angels. Sit down you and your stupid title making. Sit the hay down!

She’s either an average Rodeo Clown or one of the most entertaining football referees ever!! (No one got that joke huh? Shut-up… I’m in mourning)

Sherlock: If you haven’t watched any of the BBC Sherlock series you are missing out!! I have this seasons final episode (I haven’t watched it yet) sitting on my computer right now and were it not for the fact that I’m waiting to watch it for Cassie there would be absolutely no sleep happening until I had watched it. Aside from all the other factors (Brilliant script, awesome acting, great cinematography) the main character is named Benedict Cumberbatch!!! I mean come on!!

Skyfall: Oh AND the trailer for the new James Bond movie is up!! If nothing else it serves as a reminder that Daniel Craig is just an EPIC person. Practically a younger version of Liam Nee… oh my heart. Oh Liam!! Hang on… a second… must go on… must finish blog.

James Bond is so much cooler then you! Sit down. 

In a Recent Poll: Some girl I have never ever heard of in my life was voted the most beautiful women in the world… I don’t know who votes in these things anyway but it definitely wasn’t me. Whoever won was apparently on the cover of Sports Illustrated or something like that. Good to know that the Democratic system is still well in order. This would be like you waking up in the morning to find out that Robert McRobert from Indiana, Texas was elected President… of the world. I feel like I should have been informed this was going on so that I could have voted. And campaigned… and stuck signs up by the road to obnoxiously distract drivers. Come on people. W.W.G.W.D? What Would George Washington Do?

I have no idea what person made this bracelet. But I like them!

Well that about does it. Hopefully I’ll be emotionally ready for reviewing The Grey on Thursday. In the meantime I’m gonna go drown my sorrows in Starbursts and Peanut Butter while quietly singing “What Hurts the Most”. See you Thursday!!