Posts Tagged ‘Independance day’

My fellow Americans, in a time of indecision in our country. In a time where we are given a choice between a dumpster fire, and a dumpster fire on top of another dumpster fire today seems like a great day to remember one of our nation’s greatest leaders. One of its true patriots, one of the few good men that one guy was looking for that one time. I am speaking, of course, of our nation’s greatest movie president: James Marshall.

Our Greatest Movie President: Air Force One’s James Marshall

air_force_one_movie_poster

The only President our country needs.

 

The movie plot: So there’s this president see and he’s an ex… marine?? An ex-soldier of some kind and his plane (Air Force One: The Movie) gets hijacked by Gary Oldman (you forgot the terrorist was Gary Oldman didn’t you??) and over the course of the next hour and a half or so he proceeds to very slowly and carefully murder a ton of people. Just… so many people. And really what more do we want out of a movie President??

The competition:

So who else is running in this little movie presidential race? Who else is going? Well umm… honestly not many people. I mean, sure, the president in Independence Day made a pretty great Independence Day speech and then blew up some aliens, but really for most of that movie he didn’t do anything. Just sort of hung out and looked confused and then there were aliens. Do you want a mostly inept president who allows the existence of aliens to happen completely without his knowledge?? Or do you want a president who throws Gary Oldman out of a plane???

planes

Very simple instructions America.

 

Sure, those two things are seemingly unrelated, but it’s Gary Oldman guys! He’s not an easy guy to throw out of a plane. Believe me, I’ve tried. I mean, if a tree monkey threw Gary Oldman out of a plane wouldn’t you make that monkey president?? If a tree monkey allowed aliens to blow up the White House though, that would be just a tree monkey wouldn’t it??

Political logic!!

Lincoln: Okay yes, it was a great performance by retired cobbler Daniel Day Lewis, but did you hear his voice?? It was real annoying! Also, what was he talking about anyway?? I don’t know, you don’t know, Daniel Day Lewis probably doesn’t even know. What was James Marshall talking about?? He was talking the language of murder, the language of Get Off My Plane!! The language of a people tired of overcrowded airlines, tired of people standing on carpentry equipment,

plane

Our first carpentry joke everyone.

 

and tired of having Gary Oldman have anything other than a mustache. James Marshall speaks the language of America, with the voice of Han Solo.

And that’s really the only people worth talking about here guys… I mean what, you want the President from Dr. Strangelove?? That guy couldn’t even stop the world from getting blown up!! His response for people on his plane would be to somehow convince them to fly airforce one into the sun and destroy the galaxy or something.

The Elephant in the Room: Of course the elephant of the room is that America’s greatest fake president was (of course) Jed Bartlett. I mean if Martin Sheen announced today that he was running for president, he would win. Easily. But as you may have noticed I’ve been very careful about saying “movie” president this whole time. I mean it’s no fun having Jed Bartlett involved in this competition, he’s the fake president version of Simone Biles! And yes: this is probably the only place on the internet featuring that sentence.

gty_martin_sheen

Seriously though, what… what are you doing for the next 4 years Martin??

 

The Conclusion:

So there you go America, the only real option for your movie president. A man who did very little actual presidenting, but a whole lot of murdering, wise cracking, and Macy throwing. So this November cast your vote for America, for getting off of planes: for James Marshall.

Hello Citizens, and welcome back to part 2 in our annual, widely praised, and thinly waisted Summer tradition: Summer Questions… which is not a great name if you think about it… or at least not a super inventive one anyway. But why start inventing things now? Why strive to have cool fancy names like: Micah’s Summer Question Emporium, or Micah’s Quizzuical Query’s for your Summer Solstice? When you can just name it…

Summer Questions 2016: Part 2

1. Will Warcraft the movie be any good???

Meh. Look, it’ll be fine. It probably won’t be good, it probably won’t be terrible. It will be fine, stuff will get stabbed, that one big orc guy will probably get about 7 dollars from the tooth fairy for those big old canines of his,

warcraft

Tooth Fairy’s gonna need a Mack Truck to move those things…

 

and all of the big World of Warcraft gamers will either think it’s the best thing they’ve ever seen with their face-eyes, or absolutely the worst thing ever created. It’s how these things work. Judging purely on the trailers this is more The Hobbit, then it is Lord of the Rings. There won’t be anything egregious in it but it doesn’t seem like a movie that’s really gonna push any boundaries. It’ll be fine.

2. Will Finding Dory ruin my child??

It’s certainly possible. I mean, this is Disney we’re talking about and they basically have childhood nostalgia locked in that vault of theirs. That said the last “Do we REALLY need a sequel to that?” movie they released was Monsters University and while that movie was fine it certainly didn’t live up to the predecessor. That’s kind of what I expect to happen here, I think this will be a good movie, but I don’t think it will be in the same neighborhood as the original. We’ll just have to see what happens but my money wouldn’t be on lightning striking the ocean twice… unless we’re talking real life in here in which case I assume that happens all the time. Why don’t more fish die of electrocution?? Curse you science!!

3. Will Independence Day: Resurgance actually be a good movie??

Umm… it’s weird but I actually kind of think so. I mean I’m purely conjecturifying here but… those trailers have been great! That guy playing Will Smith’s son certainly doesn’t have any of Will Smith’s gravitas (did you lose Michael B Jordan’s phone number?) but that cast looks great and the trailers have had a surprising amount of great looking action. And that’s coming from someone who wasn’t a huge fan of the original, I mean I thought the original was fine but this looks REALLY good.

independence-day-new-poster-2016

In our defense, I had 21 years to prepare for adulthood and I had cold pizza for breakfast so… yeah.

 

4. Wait… they made another Tarzan movie?

Yes. Yes they did. And it looks kinda real bad. I mean it just looks like a movie that watched the Disney version of Tarzan and Tarzan 2 and said… “Oh we can do that.” Without taking into account the fact that those weren’t great movies. And no one really wanted another one. I mean how many Jungle people can we handle in one summer? And The Jungle Book is already making all the money so… I’m just not seeing   this being that great. Or even good. But man that one dude does look like Tarzan. If Tarzan was chiseled out of the most in shape rock ever. They had to invent new names for his muscles cause they just sort of kept popping out everywhere.

tarzan

Just look at that trapicuszoidable muscle.

 

5. Will Secret Life of Pets be better than Zootopia?

The short answer: Hahahahhaha no. Look, I’m not saying this movie will be terrible: but it might be terrible. It has put out some genuinely funny trailers but those trailers have all been more “Here’s a funny thing we thought of with pets” any trailers featuring the actual plot of this movie look… just tired. It’s a VERY familiar looking plot and while I’m sure there will be some funny moments, that’s pretty much all I expect out of this one. This is from the creators of the Minions franchise after all, a franchise that specializes in people saying “Well yeah, it’s not a great movie, but that one scene with that one thing is hilarious.” So yeah… watch Zootopia, wait for a “best of Secret Life of Pets” compilation on YouTube. You’ll thank me.

And there you go guys! Only one more episode of Micah’s Convivial Summer Questions Corner to go!! See ya Friday.

Okay guys… I’m back. Sorry for my absence, the times were trying, the brain cells were dying, and the babies were crying… I mean not my babies. But someone had a baby… and presumably it cried. Cause I’m pretty sure that’s what they do like… 90 percent of the time. But anyway: I’m back. And ready to break down some super bowl trailers.

But first… an important public service message. Guys, I tried to watch Grease: 3 times. And I never made it… I learned that I hate teenagers in the 50’s. I learned that high school is the worst place ever. I learned that “Grease is the word…” Whatever that means.  I’m sorry, I’ve let you all down. I’ve dropped the ball. And I’m sorry. But I can’t watch Grease. I am physically incapable.

But on to movies I do care about!!

Independence Day: Resurgence

Okay two things: 1. I have only watched the original Independence Day once. And I was not super impressed. And yet fact 2: I’m weirdly excited for this movie. It looks great, what was the last really good “Aliens Invade Earth” movie?? The Avengers?? And that only barely counts, because it was a movie about the Avengers, and only a tiny bit about the invasion. I’m all in for this, Jeff Goldbloom looks great, the Alien spaceship looks huge, sign me up. I’m all down for that action.

Gods of Egypt

Yeah… I’m out. Sorry guys, it was fun pretending this movie might be okay. But I’m out. The weird lines, the tired sounding story, both the lead characters looking like they’re mostly asleep during their lines. At best, we’re looking at an ‘okay’ movie, but it will not be okay. It will be bad. Thanks for trying Gods of Egypt, but move along folks. Nothing to see here.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Out of the Shadows

And speaking of nothing to see here… No, look. Let’s take a second and give Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the teensiest, tinesiest, bit of credit… it’s a kid movie. There. I did it. Of course, it’s gonna be kind of dumb, and immature and not make a ton of sense, we got spoiled by comic movies being primarily aimed at young adults and I think we expected the same from TMNT but (in their defense) they made a kids movie. I’m not saying it was a great kids movie, nay not even a good kids movie. But it was a kids movie, I’m gonna find something else to make fun of.

The Secret Life of Pets

This looks… fine. Given a choice between this and the Zootopia movie coming out later this year, I’m going Zootopia all the way. This looks like a movie with decent trailers that used up all its truly funny content in said trailers. I’m not saying it’ll be bad, but it won’t be great.

Captain America Civil War

Everything I watch from this movie makes me more and more excited to see it. The cast looks great, the storyline looks really solid, it’s not giving away too much/the entire plot *cough* BatmanVSuperman *cough.* I honestly don’t have much more than that to say… looks great… excited to see it. I will say, I hope we don’t see too much more from this movie. I’m good, thanks Marvel. I may go out of my way NOT to watch anything else from this movie, it looks really good, but I don’t want to know anymore. Make it stop.

X-men: Apocalypse 

Yeah… still have no idea what this movie is gonna be. Giant purple man, punching people. Still not convinced Jean Grey can talk with an American accent for a whole movie… hate that man with the angel wings though. Real weird that he’s got wings and then umm… that’s it. Like just wings. Given a choice of mutant powers wouldn’t you aim higher than ‘he can fly… cause wings.”

Jason Bourne

Look, I’m okay with Jason Bourne coming back… I mean the last James Bond movie was ‘meh’ and I guess there’s not really another good spy movie coming out next year… so whatever. Fine. Bring it on, Jason, let’s see what happens. Punch some people, stab a dude with a pen, seemed to work pretty well last time.

10 Cloverfield Lane 

Well… no idea what this is about. Not sure I care. Got real tired of the original cause the camera was shaking and I couldn’t see anything cause whoever did the camera work was some rank amateur. Like the guy had no idea what he was doing, and I somehow was still expected to pay full price?? I think not.

I mean this looks fine, and nothing like the original Cloverfield, and John Goodman is a crazy man in a bunker. So what’s not to like?

The Jungle Book

Okay so this was really the only full trailer out there on this list and it was pretty good I guess. This will be a very interesting looking movie. The voice cast will be great, the story will be solid. I don’t know that it will be awesome. I’m not sure that the little underwear boy there can act, and while the voice work is great I find the whole animals mouth moving thing… unsettling. Maybe it’ll be fine over the course of the movie, maybe it’ll be a fun trip to the uncanny valley. We’ll just have to see what happens. Still though, I appreciate the full trailer, and not just a 30 second thing that doesn’t tell me anything.

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

So… this was real weird. Why does Turkish airlines fly to a city in mythological America?? And hey, I watched the Dark Knight Rises. I am NOT going to Gotham. Does Turkish Airlines serve Turkish delight??? Cause they should. Oh yeah, I should talk about what they showed from the new movie in this!! Oh, wait that was nothing. You think Zach Snyder heard all the backlash from that time he released the movies entire plot and thought to himself ‘Fine, not only will my next trailer show NOTHING about the movie but I will also use it as a not even thinly veiled money grab! Take THAT, Internet.’

Hope this other trailer is more informative.

Oh wait no, it was pretty much exactly the same. Well… this all ended on a downer didn’t it??

And there you go guys, the Super Bowl Trailers… which was really just one trailer and a bunch of 30 second clips that didn’t show anything. So yay… I guess? Anyway, check back in tomorrow for my first movie review of 2016!! Wherein I review the Cohen brother new movie: Hail Caesar.

 

Well hey everyone, welcome to Monday, happy July, and (for those to whom it applies) Happy Beaver Awareness Day—I mean Canada Day. Sure we’re mostly talking about Independence Day today, but we would be remiss to not mention our friendly neighbors to the North, they’re friendly Moose population, and there hilarious habit of calling couches Chesterfields. So happy Canada Day, Canada! Be proud, be loud, and try desperately not to freeze to death.All right, enough of that. Let’s focus on America, the very country that this very blog is very written from. America is awesome, and the day upon which it was founded is not to be taken lightly without first acknowledging that the freedom we enjoy here is one of the most remarkable things in the History of humanity. We should all be very grateful to the men and women who have sacrificed (and continue to sacrifice) everything for the incredible freedoms that we enjoy. All of that said: here’s some thoughts I might have had on July 4th.

 

Even Walt Disney takes a day on July 4th to set off some fireworks... what's that? They do that all the time anyway? Oh... nevermind.

Even Walt Disney takes a day on July 4th to set off some fireworks… what’s that? They do that all the time anyway? Oh… nevermind.

My first thought is that technically speaking America became Independent on July 2nd. July 4th was the day that we declared our independence, but it was on July 2nd that we actually signed a resolution of Independence. Even John Adams (founding father and legendary dude on Beer bottles) thought that: “The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America.” This is like if I had a tiny teeny Timmy-baby on the first of December but waited a few days before I told anyone while I had the baby immunized against Dragon-isimus. I told you on the 3rd  because that is when I happened to get around to telling you. For YEARS my baby would be saying “It’s my birthday!!” And I would have to say “Well actually Timmy-tom-thomas this is just the day I happened to decide to tell people you were born.” And there would be a lot of confusion every year when people set off fireworks two days after Timmy-tomb-tomalot was born. What?  

But whatever, sometimes you just have to deal with the deal you’re dealt. Let’s just take a few minutes though and look at some famous July 4th celebrations!

Did you know that since 1916 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney, Island has held a celebratory eating contest on July 4th? According to a hilarious legend the contest was started because 4 immigrants were attempting to decide who was the most patriotic and obviously the best way to do this was by seeing who could eat the most! This would be like deciding that the best way to show who the biggest Doctor Who fan was would be to see who could run into a bear the fastest.

Every year since 1970 Atlanta, Georgia has held its annual Peachtree Road Race, a 10 kilometer run that celebrates the famous 10 kilometer run of umm… Sir Beagle… Bigmonkey who ran a—okay yeah it doesn’t actually relate to July 4th at all.

Since 1868 Seward, Nebraska has held a celebration in the towns small square. In 1979 the city of Seward was made “America’s Official Fourth of July City-Small Town USA” by an act of Congress who apparently had absolutely nothing better to do that day then decide what America’s “Official City-Small Town USA” would be.   

See this sounds like a great idea but now some person has to be the jerk who takes apart the flag just cause he's hungry!

See this sounds like a great idea but now some person has to be the jerk who takes apart the flag just cause he’s hungry!

And now on to the grand finale!! What say we take a look at some other famous July 4th’s throughout the history of the world!!

On July 4th, 993 Saint Ulrich of Augsburg was canonized!! Which is not to be confused with Saint Unrich of Augsburg who on the very same day (in a tragic but delicious clerical error) was Carmelized.

On July 4th, 1456 a battle known as the Siege of Nandorfeqhervar began. The siege was short-lived though as the Ottomons were rebuffed by the idea of having to spell Nandorfeqhervar on there “wish you were here” postcards.

In 1754 George Washington surrendered Fort Necessity to the French. After the battle it was discovered that shortly before surrendering Washington re-named the fort: Fort Kind-of-but-not-really-Completely-a-Necessity.

And finally on July 4th 1879 The Anglo-Zulu war came to an end when the British invaded Zululand (no for real) and forced King Cetshwayo to flee the country. There’s really nothing funny here, I just wanted to type Zululand.

And there you have it friends! Have a happy Fourth of July, celebrate your freedom, and the wonderful land that we’ve been blessed with!

(On a far less patriotic not I will not be posting Thursday (for obvious reasons) so check back on Friday as I (hopefully) finally get around to reviewing Man of Steel.