Posts Tagged ‘Independance day resurgance’

Well hello Internet, and welcome to our 5th yes, FIFTH, annual Thoughts We Might Have Had Summer Movie Awards. The Awards show that rewards, excellence, creativity, and sharks. So let’s put on our finest outfits, toss back some alcohols, and get ready to remember all the good times, and try desperately to drink away the bad.

TWMHH: 2016 Summer Movie Awards

Biggest Goldblum Waste – Independence Day Resurgance

goldblum

Oh Jeff, we hardly knew ye.

 

I weirdly watched a LOT of Jeff Goldblum movies this summer. I marathoned the Jurassic Park movies with my wife, and then jumped straight into the original Independence Day and you know what I realized? Jeff Goldblum is actually pretty dang talented. He’s really good. Charming, funny, easy to root for, I don’t believe he hasn’t been in more things honestly, so, needless to say, I was really excited to see him back in his old Indpendence Day roll, and he did really well… except he wasn’t actually in it that much. In fact he was barely in it at all. What?!?! I say to you again: WHAAAATTTTTT?!?!?!?!? Not only did you make a mediocre movie that felt like an 80s movie (but in a very not good way) you didn’t use what was inarguably your best asset?? Such a bluming waste.

Best kids movie – Finding Dory

Oh look, it’s a Pixar movie. And it was the best one of the summer. This award is just getting boring at this point. It’s the Simone Biles of categories, you know who’s going to win before you even start. Finding Dory was a brilliantly put together, well cast movie, that was both great for kids, and taught some excellent lessens to kids and adults. I mean, the third act kind of stumbled a bit towards the end and it wasn’t in the same category as Inside Out but it was definitely a great movie, and easily the best kids movie of the summer.

Most unnecessary sequel – Teenage Mutants Ninja Turtles 2

Another great year for this depressing category. I mean the competition ranged from Now You See Me 2, to Ice Age Whatever the heck number it is, to The Purge 3 (for some reason), and even tread into comedy with Neighbors 2. Just so much sequelage. That no one asked for. But TMNT 2 easily took the prize this year not just because it itself was terrible, but because it was the sequel to universally disliked movie. I mean… why? Who gives these people money?? WHY do they give them money? It’s just… why?

Biggest Meh: Warcraft

A movie that was supposed to finally get the video game to movie transition right, and ended up just being just another movie that couldn’t reconcile itself with its own larger world. A movie that was weighed down by its own video game lore, and by the large accrued by its cast.

warcraft

For those of you wondering: yes, I have made that joke before.

 

Borringest name: Jason Bourne

“Who’s in this movie??”

“Jason Bourne.”

“Let’s just named it that.”

“Okay but… you see sir, we’ve named all the other movies with the whole ‘The Bourne: Something’ theme. Wouldn’t it be literally a million times easier for the audience, and more in line with the rest of the series if we carried on with that.”

“Nope. We’re calling it Jason Bourne.”

“Fine, but we’re gonna put more effort into the script and the story than we did the title right?”

“Sure… yeah… definitely.”

Most Unnecessary Caring: Ghostbusters

Look, I thought the backlash from this movie was stupid, unnecessary, and sad. I just wish it had been a better movie. It wasn’t a bad movie: it was fine. The cast made an unremarkable script better than it could have been, but they just didn’t have enough to work with. In the end I guess the good news is it seems even all the haters and internet types have moved on to something else and I’m sure they’ll find a way to ruin something else, but I just wish the movie had been great. But it was not.

Most Shark: The Shallows

The Shallows was a surprisingly good, very taught, well told movie. But the real shocker here is that somehow The Shallows stole the incredibly coveted (and not made up) Most Shark Award from Finding Dory. I mean… WHAT?!?!?!?!?

shark

Fish are friends, she’s food.

 

Most Abs: The Legend of Tarzan

You can say that this movie was unoriginal, unimaginative, and bland but you can’t say it didn’t have sweet sweet abs.

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I wasn’t gonna put a picture here, but I didn’t want to deal with the angry letters asking why I had turned down a chance to put ab to screen.

 

Least Surprises – X-men: Apocalypse

This movie even felt extremely unsurprised in this movie. The characters were characters we know just sort of… again. Magneto went on the same journey he’s gone on the last four movies, people had cool superpowers until it was convenient to the story for them not to have them, and Angel was a really stupid mutant with dumb powers.

angel

Look out he might… wing at you… or something.

 

Even Apocalypse himself just sort of walked around and stared at things and talked incessantly about exactly what he was going to do, just in case the audience wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to do. The whole thing was just… predictable.

Movie No One Cared About – Alice Through the Looking Glass.

Sigh. I just… Nah. I’m not talking about this.

Movie I Saw the Least – Nine Lives

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The real question is: How did they get Kevin Spacey to be in this train wreck??

 

Look, movies where uppity businessmen get turned into something (animals, family members… Herbie??) and then reconnect with their families are nothing new. This one had the slight intrigue of featuring both Kevin Spacey and Christopher Walken, but in the end (to the great surprise of no one) it was the worst, clocking in at a whopping 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. And thusly: I did not see it.

Biggest Unpleasant Surprise – Suicide Squad

The got me again guys. I really thought DC was gonna put out a good movie… and they didn’t. It was real bad. Certain parts of it worked, specifically the cast who all did very good work, but the script and the editing just slaughtered what could have been a really good movie. I was talking to a friend yesterday about DC’s almost mystifying inability to create even a decent movie. Like not even “yeah that was pretty good.” Which they really should be able to do, they’ve got interesting characters, and can obviously attract talented actors, so why can’t they make a movie that hits even a medium level of goodness??? It really is just bizarre at this point.

Biggest Pleasant Surprise – Star Trek: Beyond

Look guys: I was real wrong on this one. For some reason I just couldn’t really get into Star Trek: Beyond, but honestly it was super fun. I really enjoyed it from start to finish and the final battle was easily one of the best pulled off ideas I’ve seen. It was fantastic. The cast was great, the script was good, and it just felt like the big, fun, summer movie we hadn’t really gotten since May. It’s still in most theaters so if you haven’t seen it yet I HIGHLY recommend it.

Movie of the Summer – Captain America: Civil War

Civil War

As if it could be anything else.

 

Yep, it was the first real summer movie, and it was the best. The story, the acting, the visuals, the fight scenes. It was all here. And it was all great. I mean how can you not appreciate a movie that not only, is yet another sterling entry (and an argument could be made that it’s the best entry) in the anti-DC fun times Marvelverse, but also saves Spiderman!! I mean come on!

So there you go guys, another year, another set of summer movie awards. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you Tuesday for another reader mailbag so submit your questions to thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com or in the comments below!

Internet! How’s tricks? Tricks here are roughly the same. The ball trick. The hidden nickel. Ya know: same tricks as usual. And speaking of them same tricks, seems like it’s been a little bit since we checked in at the old box office, and see what movies are high, what movies are low, and what movies probably shouldn’t be anywhere.

The Box Office Top Ten 7/12/2016

10. Sultan

Sultan is about umm… It’s uh… Yeah I’ve never heard of this before. Ever. Give ma  sec. Okay so, after carefully reading the summary for this film: I still have no idea what it’s about. Something about a man wrestler and then a lady wrestler and then… some wrestling. I don’t know. Go see it… I guess.

salman-khan-sultan-movie

I don’t… I don’t get it.

 

9. The Shallows

Blake Lively stars in a somewhat surprisingly taut and suspenseful movie about a woman, a shark, and there crazy love connection!! Oh wait no, sorry. I meant ‘murder’. Crazy murder connection.

8. Independence Day: Resurgence 

So… Remember how I said this looked like a really good movie and that I was excited about it?? Well it isn’t. It’s real bad. The first Independence Day is a really good 80’s movie that has certainly aged some, but actually still holds up pretty well. This movie just feels like a really bad 80’s movie that doesn’t hold up at all. It’s unfocused and poorly scripted and the good cast members (Jeff Goldblum and Liam Hemsworth) don’t really have as much to do as they should.

7. The BFG

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Confused Giant is confused.

 

This is the first time I get to say this, this week, and I will be saying it a lot: this is a solid kids movie. It’s not great, but it’s very good, and well told and based on a cool concept. It’s very good. It doesn’t transcend the genre or anything but it sits very solidly in the genre’s upper tier.

6. Central Intelligence

Central Intelligence currently holds the “best comedy of the summer” flag. Granted it owes a huge amount of its success to the work of its leads (Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart) but it’s a fun, charming comedy, with a fun storyline. Which is more than can be said for most of the comedies that have tripped, clunkily into our lives this summer.

5. The Purge: Election Year

Yay, we made a third one… I mean it’s not the worst horror-esqu movie series ever (Hi, Paranormal Activity) but… it’s not good. You’d think there’d be more ideas out there then: “Everyone can murder everyone… because.”

purge

It’s okay, Ladies Libertys just going through a phase.

 

4. Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

A comedy that (very sadly) doesn’t live up to the sum of its cast. Anna Kendrick, Aubrey Plaza, Adam Devine, and Zach Efron are all perfectly talented people but the movie bounces around too much and you never really get a feel for any of the characters. It relies too much on individual sections of humor, and not enough on establishing fun characters and putting them in funny situations.

3. Finding Dory

Not a lot to say here, given that I already dropped a full review of this (here.) But suffice to say: If you haven’t seen this movie, you should see it. It does transcend the “kid movie” genre, and is a legitimately entertaining (and occasionally thought provoking) movie for the whole family.

2. The Legend of Tarzan

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Drink it in ladies, drink that sweet Sam Jackson mustache in.

 

As predicted by myself, there’s nothing horribly wrong with Legend of Tarzan, but there’s nothing super right with it either. It is roughly what you think it is. A movie about a dude without a shirt, the jungle, and someone who (for some vague reason) wants the jungle destroyed or something. It’s fine. If you like this sort of movie, or the idea of Tarzan this will be a perfectly fine movie for you. If not, it won’t be changing your mind.

1. The Secret Life of Pets

cat

My cats exact expression whenever I have milk.

 

If ‘Finding Dory’ is the film equivalent of a three course meal, than The Secret Life of Pets   is a happy meal. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s good fun, but it’s probably not what you want to build your life around watching. Secret Life of Pets is a fun adventure through an interesting world with a lot of very entertaining ideas. It doesn’t “transcend the kid movie genre” but it doesn’t really try to either. It just offers kids and parents a fun diversion for a few hours, and then trundles off to bed. I honestly had pretty low expectations for this, but it ended up being a perfectly respectable outing. So congrats TSLoP. Go shorten your name.

So there you go guys, the box office top ten! Check back on Friday, when I (for the good of the colony) watch the Original Pete’s Dragon and try and figure out what the hecks going on in there.

Well hello Internet, and happy days. As we take our first tiny, and tentative steps into summer June offers a decidedly mixed bag of movies that doesn’t have the blockbuster appeal of July or May but also don’t have the utter sad sack of suck, that is January and February. So let’s dive on in and see what’s going on with the weekends of June!!

June 3rd:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Yes We Really Made This: Look… it’s bad. Is it worse than the first movie? Who knows. This is the bottom of the barrel my friends, nothing is more the bottom of the barrel. There are not levels of barrel butts. There’s just the damp, reeky, moist scent of crushed dreams, and dead turtles. The one semi compliment I can offer to TMNT2 is that it’s a movie aimed squarely at kids and really doesn’t care what I think about it. This isn’t a Transformers movie trying to appeal to a wide audience, TMNT constantly goes for the cheap joke, the cheap laugh, and the expensive movie ticket. At least it doesn’t pretend to be anything else.

TMNT

“So here’s a crazy idea… let’s not ever make any of these movies ever again.”

 

June 10th:

Warcraft: I talked about this a fair amount on Wednesday but suffice to say: this is not the video game movies we’ve all been waiting for. Warcraft is dragged down by its own world and is simultaneously kind of rushed, and also tedious in the wrong places. It’s not a terrible movie, and I’m sure if you’re a fan of the franchise you’ll get more out of it than your average movie goer, but this isn’t the movie that’s gonna bring video games to the cinema forever.

Now You See Me 2: Okay so, the first Now You See Me was a semi-hit that wasn’t really supposed to be, and if Hollywood has proven anything over the years it’s that there’s no vague success that it can’t ruin. I really enjoyed the first movie and really appreciated the visual effects, the cool ideas, and the overall twistiness of the plot. That said: the ending made VERY little sense. It was good, but it wasn’t great. So now along comes a sequel featuring most of the same cast and seemingly the same overall sense of style but… who knows what the story is about?? The trailers have been VERY vague and while I appreciate the need for some secrecy I’m more than a little concerned. That said I’ll probably see this, I appreciated the originality of the first one even if it did entirely drop the ball in the final act.

now-you-see-me-2-primi-character-poster-del-film-news

Somehow… somewhere… JJ Abrams is responsible for this.

 

June 17th

Finding Dory: That’s right folks. Strap on those nostalgia goggles cause here comes a classic “it’s probably been a little too long” sequel!! Let’s be clear: this will be a fun movie. There will be fish, and Dory, and probably some sharks and things trying to speak in whale or whatever. It’ll be good. But don’t go into this expecting something on the level of the original. This is classic “Monster University” syndrome. That movie was perfectly acceptable, but it’s best parts were when it made references to the original, and none of the new ideas were anything more than passably interesting. It was a good but forgettable movie, that’s what I’m expecting out of Finding Dory. Which is ironic… cause of that forgetting thing she does.

finding-dory-motion-poster-1200x630-1

They seek her here, they seek her there, those fishies seek her everywhere… I’m just gonna assume no one else got that.

 

June 24th:

Independence Day: Resurgence: Is there such a thing as being so late to make a sequel to a movie that it actually becomes the perfect time to make a sequel to a movie?? Well we’re about to find out. Look, I’m strangely excited for this. I mean I enjoyed the original in a VERY “well that was good… for the time.” Sort of way. But this looks like they’ve upped the scale, got some great additions to the cast, brought back the people that counted (sorry Will Smith) and are poised to be the first really good alien invasion film since umm…  I don’t know… Signs?? The trailers for these have looked solid, the effects look great, this could be good times!! The best movie of June? It well could be good citizens. It well could be.

And there you go citizens, enjoy the month of June, and I’ll see you next week!

Hello Citizens, and welcome back to part 2 in our annual, widely praised, and thinly waisted Summer tradition: Summer Questions… which is not a great name if you think about it… or at least not a super inventive one anyway. But why start inventing things now? Why strive to have cool fancy names like: Micah’s Summer Question Emporium, or Micah’s Quizzuical Query’s for your Summer Solstice? When you can just name it…

Summer Questions 2016: Part 2

1. Will Warcraft the movie be any good???

Meh. Look, it’ll be fine. It probably won’t be good, it probably won’t be terrible. It will be fine, stuff will get stabbed, that one big orc guy will probably get about 7 dollars from the tooth fairy for those big old canines of his,

warcraft

Tooth Fairy’s gonna need a Mack Truck to move those things…

 

and all of the big World of Warcraft gamers will either think it’s the best thing they’ve ever seen with their face-eyes, or absolutely the worst thing ever created. It’s how these things work. Judging purely on the trailers this is more The Hobbit, then it is Lord of the Rings. There won’t be anything egregious in it but it doesn’t seem like a movie that’s really gonna push any boundaries. It’ll be fine.

2. Will Finding Dory ruin my child??

It’s certainly possible. I mean, this is Disney we’re talking about and they basically have childhood nostalgia locked in that vault of theirs. That said the last “Do we REALLY need a sequel to that?” movie they released was Monsters University and while that movie was fine it certainly didn’t live up to the predecessor. That’s kind of what I expect to happen here, I think this will be a good movie, but I don’t think it will be in the same neighborhood as the original. We’ll just have to see what happens but my money wouldn’t be on lightning striking the ocean twice… unless we’re talking real life in here in which case I assume that happens all the time. Why don’t more fish die of electrocution?? Curse you science!!

3. Will Independence Day: Resurgance actually be a good movie??

Umm… it’s weird but I actually kind of think so. I mean I’m purely conjecturifying here but… those trailers have been great! That guy playing Will Smith’s son certainly doesn’t have any of Will Smith’s gravitas (did you lose Michael B Jordan’s phone number?) but that cast looks great and the trailers have had a surprising amount of great looking action. And that’s coming from someone who wasn’t a huge fan of the original, I mean I thought the original was fine but this looks REALLY good.

independence-day-new-poster-2016

In our defense, I had 21 years to prepare for adulthood and I had cold pizza for breakfast so… yeah.

 

4. Wait… they made another Tarzan movie?

Yes. Yes they did. And it looks kinda real bad. I mean it just looks like a movie that watched the Disney version of Tarzan and Tarzan 2 and said… “Oh we can do that.” Without taking into account the fact that those weren’t great movies. And no one really wanted another one. I mean how many Jungle people can we handle in one summer? And The Jungle Book is already making all the money so… I’m just not seeing   this being that great. Or even good. But man that one dude does look like Tarzan. If Tarzan was chiseled out of the most in shape rock ever. They had to invent new names for his muscles cause they just sort of kept popping out everywhere.

tarzan

Just look at that trapicuszoidable muscle.

 

5. Will Secret Life of Pets be better than Zootopia?

The short answer: Hahahahhaha no. Look, I’m not saying this movie will be terrible: but it might be terrible. It has put out some genuinely funny trailers but those trailers have all been more “Here’s a funny thing we thought of with pets” any trailers featuring the actual plot of this movie look… just tired. It’s a VERY familiar looking plot and while I’m sure there will be some funny moments, that’s pretty much all I expect out of this one. This is from the creators of the Minions franchise after all, a franchise that specializes in people saying “Well yeah, it’s not a great movie, but that one scene with that one thing is hilarious.” So yeah… watch Zootopia, wait for a “best of Secret Life of Pets” compilation on YouTube. You’ll thank me.

And there you go guys! Only one more episode of Micah’s Convivial Summer Questions Corner to go!! See ya Friday.