Posts Tagged ‘Hunger Games’

Well hey Internet, and welcome to what is quite possibly the last of my annual, new years, positifcation postings. That special time of year where we look at January and February (Jefbruary) and all remember how much Hollywood hates us.

That’s right gang, Hollywood is taking a few months off, and leaving us with our weird, drunk Aunt Kathy as a babysitter. The Oscar bait has been baited, the big blockbusters are done, and now all that’s left for movie studios to do is put out all their worst crappiest crap, and hope we will go to theaters purely for the central heating, and popcorn.

This is (sadly) very affective.

Every year at this time it’s a tradition for me to warn people to please NOT go to movie theaters, it’s also a tradition for me to find one movie to believe in that will inevitably let me down, crush my spirit, and leave me wondering what the point of life and skittles is.

Admittedly, it’s not a great tradition.

But why reflect on the pointlessness of traditions, when we can just go right on traditioning????

Jefbruary Extravaganza 2016

Okay so, we’re about midway through January at this point and things are already rapidly spiraling downhill. Last weeks number 1 movie at the box office for instance was Ride Along 2, a movie that not only has achieved a dismal 13% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, but has also been called the cinematic equivalent of being slapped in the face with a rotting elk. So things are going about as well as you’d expect. Also: 13 hours came out and was a movie by Michael Bay that wasn’t that great (shocker) and something called ‘Norm of the North’ a movie so bad it achieved a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

“But wait, you say with a twinkle in your eye, surely it can’t be all bad, right?? Surely, it can’t be all bad, Magic Man?!”

“Well kid, it mostly is. Now, stop eye twinkling, and don’t call me Surely!!!”

And that about sums up Jefbruary.

January 22nd

Dirty Grandpa comes out this weekend. The good news is: you’ve seen this movie before. So no need to waste all that valuable time you have, watching it again. A guy and his grandpa take a trip and the grandpa really knows how to live and does a lot of shocking, raunchy things that Grandparents probably shouldn’t do. Yay.

Also, the 5th Wave comes out, that latest entry of “You like the Hunger Games, right???” Movie Genre wherein a young heroin fights some sort of system (Alien System in this case) and finds a hunky chiseled stranger to love, and a child to protect, and at some point someone probably puts her down cause she’s ‘just some old girl.’ Thanks 5th Wave, but we’ve been to this party before.

would-you-survive-to-the-5th-wave-616091

“Don’t look over there little guy. That’s just Katness from that other, vastly superior movie.” 

January 29th

Okay so there are three movies this weekend that MIGHT, be good. Maybe.

The Finest Hours – Disney is a very smart company. They own all the money, they should be pretty smart. So surely if Finest Hours was actually good they would have released some time when people we’re actually going to movie theaters, right? My guess is this’ll be fine. It won’t be terrible but it won’t be overly exciting, and you’ve probably seen the one or two action scenes in the trailer already. They’ll be a lot of talking about courage, and bravery, and how the ocean is like a bear and if you respect it it’ll take care of you but if you take it for granted it will bury you in the woods and stomp on your face, and tell you it will go to prom with you but then actually go with Tommy Halkins from chemistry class just because Tommy has a nice car and a rich dad.

Danged Ocean.

Also we have Jane Got a Gun a movie that sounds like a great idea, until you realize it’s been in development for like… five years, has had roughly eight casting changes, and the trailer looks REALLY bad. Like real bad. I like Natalie Portman at times, and Ewan McGregor all the time but… this is probably gonna suck.

 

Jane-Got-a-Gun-poster-2-600x815

Don’t get me wrong, if one bad movie is what it takes to get Ewan McGregor in that mustache, it was totally worth it. 

Kung Fu Panda 3… is a thing. This’ll be fine. Your kids will like it because it’s a Panda and he’s fat and then there are other pandas who will also probably be fat. Look, these are dine movies, there’s nothing terrible about them. But as has been my theme thus far: You’ve seen this movie before… twice really

February 5th

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies will (also after many years of development) be coming to screens and honestly… it’ll probably be entertaining. Look, if you liked Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter or any other sort of “Hey guys, it’s that thing you like/know about, but I put some ZOMBIES in it” sort of genre, then you’ll like this. The script will be meh, the plot won’t make any sense, but that’s not why you walked into the theatre in the first place is it??? You came to watch the cast of Pride and Prejudice kill some zombies, and that’s what you’ll get. It won’t be terrible, it won’t really be great, it will just sort of exist.

Okay so… I don’t know what to do with Hail Caesar, guys. I love the Cohen brothers, I love the cast of this movie, my only real question is… what is this doing here?? In Jefbruary??? Jefbruary is the skeleton filled closet of the film industry, it’s not where you release great movies, with awesome casts and good writing. It’s where you release (as a crazy example) Jupiter Ascending. I’m so confused, and afraid. Did something weird happen and like Jonah Hill finally just went insane and ran through every shot buck naked??? (Cause that will happen one day.) I’m very excited for this movie and VERY confused about my excitement… it’s like if the Groundhog from groundhog day suddenly got super excited and popped up January 10th passing out free Easter eggs, and setting off 4th of July fireworks. Nothing about this makes sense!

Hail-Caesar-poster

That’s right buddy, you get George Clooney out of Jefbruary fast!! 

February 12th

Now see, Deadpool, is the perfect example of a Jefbruary movie I’m interested in. Cause it could be great, but if it’s not great it will be TERRIBLE. Sure the trailers have been funny, but it’s easy to make a good trailer (cut to Micah glaring at Zach Snyder.) It’s hard to make a full length movie though, based around Deadpool’s sort of self-aware, referential humor. It’s REALLY hard. And if you don’t do it successfully, you will fail miserably. Making Deadpool is like making a youtube video of someone tightrope walking over a live volcano: if it works you will be awesome. If it doesn’t, you’ll be a slurpy.

Zoolander 2 comes out so… I mean, whatever. It’ll be fine. I don’t care at all, but there are certainly worse movies being made this year. Let Ben Stiller do his thing, he seems like a nice enough guy who hasn’t completely Adam-Sandlered himself yet. Go for it, Ben.

February 26th

Gods of Egypt is another perfect Jefbruary movie. It seems like each Jefbruary we get a vaguely supernatural/historical sci-fi movie that looks interesting and action packed, but inevitably is terrible and generic. So I’m already out on this. I’ve been burned by too many I Frankensteins and Wrath of the Titans.’ I’m sure it will have some cool fights and that Gerard Butler will be a real shouty/hairy person but… I’m just earmarking this as a “Watch on Netflix in about 8 months” movie and moving on with my bad self.

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What do you mean you don’t think they had cybernetic rob-dogs in ancient Egypt?? 

So there you go guys, the sad dreary sadness that is Jefbruary. Buckle up, believe in the Cohen brothers, and maybe we’ll make it through this thing, and get to March: when the real movies come out.

So, several weeks ago, someone said to me “Hey Micah, the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate but I’m just gonna shake shake shake shake shake it off. Shake it off.” And once Taylor Swift was done someone else said to me “Hey Micah, you should do a retro-review of Willy Wonka!! But don’t do that thing you usually do wear you don’t watch the movie or do any research cause that would be lame and less engaging.”

Well friend, here I am to fulfill at least the first half of your request!!

Micah Retro Reviews: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

And none o’ that Tim Burton mess either. No no no.  The original, extra crispy, side of fries, psycho killer version, thank you very much.

This poster accurately sums up the movie only because when I look at it I feel confused and vaguely disturbed.

This poster accurately sums up the movie only because when I look at it I feel confused and vaguely disturbed.

The Plot: 

So… there’s this kid named Charlie (who needs to cheer up) and he’s impoverished. He puts the “pov” in poverty. And then there’s this other dude in a  candy shop who sings a song all about how “the candyman can” in a song that takes the line between consumerism and idol worship and dances merrily upon it while sucking on a candy cane (because candy will make all your troubles go away, America.)

Anyway, there’s this other guy named Willy Wonka and he owns a huge candy store located (for some reason) in the most depressing town in the entire world. If you took Chernobyl and combined it with 1920’s Detroit and a dirt covered sponge you would still live in a cheerier town then wherever the heck old Charlie lives.

Willy Wonka: purveyor of fine candies, and even finer child death traps.

Willy Wonka: purveyor of fine candies, and even finer child death traps.

So Willy clan Wonka has locked himself inside his candy factory for the last fifty years or so but now is ready to let five lucky children tour his factory and slowly and  inevitably get picked off one by one until there is only one survivor left. This is basically The Hunger Games with candy is what I’m saying.

So Charlie (because this is after all his movie) and four other inevitably doomed children, all find “the Golden Ticket” and after a brief musical number they get set to head inside of the chocolate covered death machine that is: Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

The first to go is a guy by the name of Augustus Gloop who commits the horrible sin of drinking from a river in an area where Willy Wonka explicitly told them they could eat everything and anything. But in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory every yes is a no, every no is a yes, and behind every caramel flavored fruit snack is an Oompa-loompa with a baseball bat who will jack you up.

After him (in some order) go a bunch of admittedly stupid children who refuse to listen to adults but at the same time they’re children. Children are stupid. If you leave a child in a room alone with only a pillow and a teddy bear that child will find some way to spill something on the bear and impale itself on the pillow. Call children bulls in China shops is a horrible insult to bulls everywhere. Bulls probably say to themselves “Oh that Brett the Bull, he’s like a human child in a candy factory.”

Children: because cleanliness, quite, and sleeping are all highly overrated.

Children: because cleanliness, quite, and sleeping are all highly overrated.

Anyway, one of them gets transformed into a child blueberry in a scene that will horrify your nightmares forever. And she gets sent to the “juicing” room where I can only assume she had four or five different holes poked into her and then was allowed to just sort of bleed/juice out. Then some kid turns himself into a mini-version of himself and thus inspires the entire ant-man comic book series.

Then some little girl sings a song about “wanting it now” and for many of us as children that was probably the first time that we legitimately wished bodily harm on someone. I mean, most of the other kids were just sort of jerks or idiots or… well kids. But that girl was the devil in a jumper… whatever exactly a jumper is.

And finally after all the other children are dead or severely dismembered, Charlie is the last one standing. And as a reward for not somehow getting himself murdered in what was essentially a gauntlet of deathtraps specifically designed for him, Charlie becomes the owner of the Chocolate factory where he will go on making up new ways to murder unsuspecting children for years and years to come!

In Conclusion: 

Willy Wonka is a legitimately terrifying movie. Oompa Loompa’s are for all points and purposes slaves. Children are sucked up tubes, inflated, shrunk, dropped down into furnaces, and nearly chopped up into sushi by huge whirling death fans that are (for some reason) kept in the same room as an experimental, levitation inducing soft drink.

That said, it’s still probably a pretty great movie, Gene Wilder is (as ever) amazing and it’s still definitely a classic. The songs are catchy, the morals are strong, and your children may spend months afterword being deathly afraid of eating gum!!

I had a fairly nutz weekend. I have no idea why I spelled nuts like that. Cause that is not even a little bit how you spell nuts. Then again, I regularly use the words: stylez, happeningz, and skillz so I guess none of us should be surprized… I mean surprised.

But back to my weekend. I was driving with my friend Riley and our car broke down so we ended up having to hike roughly four million miles through fen and field and… ferns… I guess. All the while desperately trying to avoid getting run over by 18 wheelers who are WAY to fat to be driving on public roads. It’s like they’re a particularly large person taking up a huge chunk of the sidewalk and you have to awkwardly go around them, except this particular big person is moving 60 miles an hour and carrying several cows worth of churned milk. But anyway… I literally have no idea what this post is going to be about cause it’s late at night and I am currently semi-comatose (not exactly a rarity).

Let’s talk baseball shall we? I like baseball, especially in the last two days since the Red Sox suddenly remembered they were playing baseball and not Girls Bear Wrestling (now on Fox). I actually also got to sit down and watch a game on Sunday afternoon (thank to the bountiful mercy of my fiance’) and now feel much more kindly towards the Red Sox and towards baseball in general. After starting 1-5 (one win, five losses) the Red Sox are actually starting to resemble a baseball team again. So that’s going well.

If I hadn't just looked at a picture of Liam Neeson this would be the most hardcore thing I've seen today. Also one of these bears is a cheater.

And now, let’s talk TV: I’m still recovering from watching the BBC show Jekyll a few months ago. Frankly, it scared me to death, and was also brilliantly written and acted. It’s a beautiful thing, in a horrifying way. Like a hot girl wearing a Justin Bieber shirt.

In other TV news, me and my Fiance’ (a hot girl who doesn’t wear Justin Bieber shirts ever) are watching through Arrested Development an absolutely hysterical show filled with some of the dryest humor I have ever watched. It is definitely more my style of humor then hers but she watches it anyway (probably just to get to laugh at me). We gave up on “Once Upon A Time” forever ago because we didn’t have time to watch shows just because they were terrible and we wanted to laugh at them. Also every time the actor who plays Jimminy Cricket uttered dialogue my brain sprang out of my ears and punched me viciously in the face.

Yes this person is exactly as annoying as he looks.

For the million people who keep asking me: No I have not seen the Hunger Games yet. Leave me alone. Stop or I will hide those weird killer bees in all of your stuffed animals. I will. I’m a man on the edge!!

For the 2 million people who will now e-mail me asking why I haven’t seen the Hunger Games yet: I am busy. Busy like a bandit… a busy bandit… of bustle. A busy bustling bandit… of Bananas. A Bustling busy banana bandit. Calm down. This is why they make DVD’s. And iTunes.

For the 2 of you who care: I am still playing basketball on my 360 and am cleaning house for the Celtics!! In a good way. Not like, “I’m playing so badly they make me clean the house” sort of way but like a “I’m playing so well that other people clean my house… Iguess” sort of way. Now I’m just carrying on with that and circling the Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim waiting for the price to drop!! How is it this game has been out for more then a year and still costs 40 bucks?? I mean unless your Mass Effect 3 I am NOT spending 40 bucks on you, Video Games. I have much better things to spend my money on… like my Fiance’. Or the salaries of my Zombie Squirrel army.

Fear them!!

And finally (just to validate this as some sort of movie news) here is a poster from the increasingly awesome looking: The Amazing Spiderman movie coming out this Summer. Feast your eyes on all that coolness!!!

So... cool... my brain hurts.

Well there you go a post largely about nothing at all… so thanks for reading!

 

And here we are, gathered together once more to watch me talk about movies that I have not seen yet. That no one has seen yet, cause they have not been released. But will that stop me from opening up my old pickle jar and pouring some of my vaunted vaguely dill flavored sarcasm upon them? Not likely.

(As usual you can watch any of these trailers by going to http://www.apple.com/trailers )

The FP-

Ummm... These boots weren't made for dancing

So… this might be the worst idea ever for a movie.

Random probably not overly intelligent person: “So I’ve got this idea for a movie! In a post-apocalyptic society, rival gangs fight each other not by using sword or guns or even their fists but by playing Dance Dance Revolution!! They put on these huge boots that look like they weigh roughly the same as a pregnant yak and then they dance and whoever loses dies!!…”

Studio executive: “This sounds like an idea I could get behind. Tell you what: take this money and go find the worst actors you can possibly get and we’ll start shooting this puppy tomorrow!!”

I literally spent this entire trailer waiting for that whole, ironic thing where an apparently serious movie turns out to be a comedy… but it never came. This movie takes itself, and what might be the most ridiculous premise ever for a movie, very VERY seriously. I’m officially gonna start pitching a movie idea where rival gangs in a post-apocalyptic universe settle their disputes by playing life or death games of tic-tac-toe… which actually makes more sense than the premise of this movie… I literally cannot come up with a more stupid idea… Maybe a post-apocalyptic world where rival gangs fight each other by life or death matches of hedgehog staring?? Nope… still not weird enough…

Brave

If you took out the words Brave in the background this could totally be the poster for the new animated Anne of Green Gables... which is a TERRIBLE idea...

So as much as Pixar wants you to believe it this is NOT a trailer. A trailer is a piece of filmary that gives you the idea of what the movie’s plot is about. This is a clip. A short chunk of a movie that lets you watch a small part of it. All I know about this movie right now is: there’s a very VERY large man in it. What’s her name the red headed girl hates dresses more then I hate the trailer for The FP, and this movie will, apparently, prominently feature men in kilts acting inappropriately. So Brave: a movie about tearing clothes, shooting arrows, and old man bums. Oh goody.

John Carter-

Yup… another John Carter trailer. I am SO excited that this movie is coming out because it means that Disney will STOP TRYING TO GET ME TO WATCH IT!! I would have watched it originally but after EIGHT MONTHS of trailers and clips and advertisements and commemorative fish shaped promotional Elk washers I am no longer going to watch it. I no longer care Disney. No longer.

I was going to put a picture of the poster for John Carter here but then I remembered I didn't care...

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Yes you read that title correctly. The major premise of this movie seems to be that Lincoln was secretly some sort of awesome vampire hunter person with an axe… Not really sure how I feel about this. Sure it’s kind of a weird idea but hey weird ideas have made great movies before right? Plus this movie has one major thing going for it in that it is a movie with vampires in it that isn’t Twilight. So… that’s always good right? Right? I actually have a great idea for a sequel for this movie called George Washington: Werewolf Hunter in which George Washington marches around killing Taylor Lautner.

The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games continue to very much intrigue me and make me want to read those books a lot. That’s really all I have to say on the matter except that the woman who pulls that name out of the bowl has officially taken first place in my “Alive Person who Looks Most Like A Zombie” list. She overtook previous leader: Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman one of the most dead alive people I can think of.

Wrath of the Titans

Wrath of the Titans: Are two heads really better then one?

The trailers for this movie look awesome. But the trailers for the last movie looked awesome too and the last movie (Remember the Titans) looked nothing like this and had Denzel Washington doing… wait… I mean Clash. Clash of the Titans… that makes more sense. The trailers for Clash of the Titans were awesome and that movie was kind of terrible… thus I remain dubious about this entire thing despite the fact that it appears to feature the first ever Siamese twin swordsmen.. or swordsman… hard to tell.

The Avengers

Avengers: Cause Photoshop Totally Works...

But enough of that frivolity. Let’s get to the real reason we’re here! Let’s talk Avengers. My reservations about this movie are well documented and can concisely be summed up in two words Fantastic Four. Or two other words: Ensemble Casting-never-works. But it seems with every carefully released piece of media for this movie I get more excited… Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, and that other guy who plays Captain America all seem to be pulling their weight very well and I’m definitely looking forward to watching Downey Jr. and Ruffalo play off each other. The trailer is just awesome and well put together and the script looks tight. Of course it’s only a trailer so who knows what’s actually going to be on screen but this trailer is certainly getting me more and more excited for May 4th to roll around so I can find out for myself.

And as an added bonus here are some movies I’m looking forward to that will be coming to a theater near you this March!!

Ummm…. uhhh…. Well there’s the Hunger Games!!! But I already talked about that. Also… ummm…. well there’s… Wrath of the Titans!! But I already talked about that too. Well then… I guess March isn’t exactly going to be a huge one for movies but hey just remember that this summer features: Batman, Spiderman, Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, a new Bourne Movie, The Hulk, Iron-man, that guy who plays Captain America, and Thor!! Feel better?

Okay so I didn’t actually watch the Super Bowl this year. I meant to. And wanted to. And was going to. However, my fiancé (who I love very much) was stricken ill on said super bowl Sunday and when given a choice between watching grown sweaty men run into each other at high speeds while getting paid ridiculous sums of money, and taking care of the ailing woman I love: I chose the woman. Mock me if you will.

Anyway, it turned out to be a good thing because Boston sports teams seem to be desperately trying to murder my soul now that the Celtics are officially sponsored by Millards Old Folks Home for Old Folks and New Potatoes, the Red Sox are doing their best to make as many dumb financial moves as possible, and the Patriots play really well right up until they need to play well. My raging bitterness aside though, let’s take a moment to focus on something that doesn’t make my soul hurt like a fudgecicle in the noon day sun: movie trailers. Super bowl movie trailers, to be precise.

Trailers you saw in the super bowl:

The Hunger Games:

That is one hungry bird... also a fire.

Wow I need to read these books. Of course me saying that is like a particularly ill kept howler monkey saying “wow I need to become the Queen of Russia” or a three eyed lizard saying “wow I need a monocle” or me saying “wow I need more sleep.” It’s a nice thought but probably won’t happen.

Anyway, Hunger Games (the movie) is (ironically) not about a bunch of people sitting around and eating… as far as I know. No, Hunger Games is about a bunch of people who apparently try to kill each other and a woman who wears way WAY to much makeup. A literal genocide of lipstick. Anyway lipstick death aside I really want to watch this movie if nothing else just so I’ll know whether it’s worth replacing the 4 minutes of sleep I actually get, with 4 minutes of reading a book.

The Lorax:

Did the people who made this movie actually read the book? Or did they just glance whimsically at the pictures while on a Mountain Dew and cheese string trip? I’m leaning towards option two. That said I’m sure the movie will be funny and that people will fork over their hard earned cash to watch something vaguely connected to Dr. Suess, that features the sultry gossamer tones of Taylor Swift pretending she’s an actress.

Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace in 3D     

In an effort to make a movie with an already way too long title even longer George Lucas has decided to stick “IN 3D!” on the end of this movie title. How would you like to spend 15 dollars to watch a mediocre movie that you have ALREADY SEEN with 3D effects that will occasionally make you go “wow that effect was cool.” You would? Great! Well here then, I have this empty pack of skittles and for the low low price of ten dollars I will let you have it! And (occasionally) it will smell like there are still skittles in it! I know!! Best thing ever!!

The sad thing is this movie will do really well and prompt one of Hollywoods most blatant attempt at picking our pockets since the release of Mulan 2 to continue happening. Well done America. Well done.

John Carter

Is it just me or was that image of John Carter photo shopped in by a 3 year old going through her "blue phase"

I remember when I watched the first advertisement for John Carter. I was in second grade at the time, nursing a bottle of Juicy Juice and betting little Jeremy Bumpkins that he couldn’t hiccup the ABC’s. I am (of course) kidding. It was the Star Spangled Banner.

Seriously though, the first trailer for John Carter debuted like… a year ago. And I have gotten progressively less and less excited about it. Originally it looked like a cool idea and was based on a classic sci-fi novel so I thought “hey why ever not.” Nowadays (months later) I generally think “oh, a good time for a bathroom break” or “hey, I’m gonna go get a drink” or “good goodness, a perfect time to savage my eye sockets with this Tonka Truck.”

I still don’t know whether or not this movie will be good, but I have officially been forced to watch so many trailers that I no longer care.

Battleship:

Battleship: Cause they already made Transformers

I think it’s so cute how the makers of this movie keep trying to convince us that it won’t be horrible. Isn’t based on a ridiculous premise. And doesn’t feature Liam Neeson in what might be his worst role since he played Zues in Clash of the (Whiny) Titans.

And Finally…

The Avengers

Sam Jackson wants you! I want a good movie... we'll see what happens.

A movie that so far still looks to be epically awesome will continue to have my “cautious enthusiasm” attached to it. Super-hero ensemble movies just don’t work and if anything this trailer (while awesome looking) only made me more cautious. I don’t know whether it was Sam Jackson muttering “I still believe in heroes” or the whole “I have an Army” “We have a Hulk” dialogue… thing. But there are a few portions of this film that look… questionable. Sure the explosions look cool and the Hulk apparently can jump through a plane/jet/space ship… thing. But I’m not sold just yet on this movie actually being as cool as it could be… I guess we’ll find out this summer…

And there you go. All the movie trailers that I think aired during the Super Bowl (not actually having watched it).