Posts Tagged ‘Grimm’s Snow White’

All right so, as promised here’s at least the first part of that old classic and much foretold “me watching Grimm’s Snow White” post . It’s my fiancé’s birthday today so a very very special happy birthday to her!! Also because of some birthday partying I didn’t actually get back to my room until a very late hour last night so this may or may not be coherent, funny, or covered in raspberry preserves. But regardless of raspberries here is:

Grimm’s Snow White: Part 1

Our cast of characters... such as they are.

Okay so (as I am being informed by opening narration) apparently something fell out of the sky. And it was a green fire. And from this fire was a lizard. And then an elf. Ummm… okay.

Oh and then humans are enslaving elves… elves getting slapped around. Eeshhk. Sucks to be an elf apparently. You thought this was all Legolas and looking awesome and stuff… that elf got pwned… with a stick.

Oh also apparently there’s a prophecy about… someone that will one day unite all the little forest critters… or something. That’s not an exact quote.

And now a fat king chasing a deer… I never saw the deer. Obviously that wasn’t in the budget. Still though we seem very concerned about the whole thing, and now a squire talking about a treaty… pretty sure this is important but– HOLY COW it’s a dragon… squire got pwned! Support character= gone.

Wow the fat king just pulled his sword… granted not the most threatening thing I’ve ever seen. Also (just a tip here) if you ever go out hunting in potentially dragon (the movie calls them lizards but I’m choosing to ignore that) infested forests don’t be fat and wear red. It’s like if a particularly juicy steak flounced by my office wearing a bright green tank top. Anyway it doesn’t matter cause the King got pwned.  On the whole one of the worst bits of self-defense I’ve ever seen.

And speaking of the worst, here’s a woman doing some of the worst acting ever… she seems to be disbelieving of the fact that her husband (fat king person) got killed when he went out alone to hunt in giant dragon infested forests.

Oh and here comes the money line!! Mirror mirror on the wall and stuff. I love how everyone thinks the queen of whats-it is the “Fairest of them all” but in every movie rendition she’s horrendously ugly and sort of old. Oh she also has some glowy green gems that apparently are the source of the elves magical powers. I’m guessing they weren’t donated by charitable elven folk who got tired of being magical and dope.

As it turns out the Queens servant is much better looking than she is. That’s not saying a lot for the servant mind you but there you are. That’s like winning top prize for track and field in the over 80’s bracket of the “People with One Limb” convention.

All right, new character here. He seems to be the prince of a neighboring kingdom that I’ll call…. OH MY WORD some dragon just ate some guy. Low budget sci-fi effects for the Dragons/lizards. Seems like we didn’t really need to see that phenomenally minor character get eaten and could have re-directed some of that money into making the Dragons look less like something my little sister drew into each frame. Oh well though.

Okay anyway that new character I mentioned earlier seems to be some sort of Prince. And we’ll call his kindom… Dumbgaria, in honor of the prince’s tiny brain. I—EW he’s makin eye babies with some ugly chick… not the queen… some other ugly chick. From the fact that the soundtrack just freaked out and puked up a violin concerto I’m gonna assume that was Snow White but it’s hard to tell.

Oh apparently the actual name of the Prince’s Kingdom is Northfallia… which is worse than Dumbgaria. It’s sad when I get beat out for coming up with stupid names by the actual movie.

Anyway, the Prince is talking to the Queen about something. He seems to think the best way to protect his kingdom is by marrying the psychotic, old, ugly person next door… not exactly sound life decision making there… Wow… he seems to be proposing to her literally at the bedside of her former husband. Whose body is in remarkably good condition when you consider the fact that he was eaten by a dragon! I mean you’d think he’d have some signs of the fact that he was savaged to death by something with teeth the size of some squirrels I’ve known. That embalmer had MAD skills, bro. Mad. Skillz.

(Random TV show pitch: Pimp My Corpse!!)

Oh and there’s that ugly girl again. And she is Snow White. So we’ve got ugly Snow White and ugly Queen battling over Spike Hair the Prince (I have no idea what his real name is… I’ll keep you posted). So far the most attractive girl I’ve seen was the elf servant due to the fact that she only looks like she was hit in the face with a tire iron a couple of times.

"So that's the current leader for "fairest in the land?"... I feel the need to find some new land.

Oh and Snow White was just proclaimed “the fairest in the land” by the mirror. That’s why you don’t tell women the truth, Mirror. They get ticked at you. Of course Snow White isn’t really attractive, per se, just less ugly. Then again “Who is least ugliest in the land” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Oh and cut to Snow White who’s walking around humming quite happily… kinda weird when you remember that her dad is dead. Have we forgotten the whole dragon eating thing already?? The King got JACKED UP by a supernatural predator people!! Then again, he was fat and unattractive so… whatevs.

Anyway Snow and Spike (the Prince) are talking to each other. Snow can’t act by the way… So this makes her both unattractive and not able to act. If you’re keeping score at home.

Oh!!! Spike just pulled out the ring he offered the Queen like two hours ago and gave it to Snow White. Dude!!

Messed.

Up.

I’m not seeing this ending well.

Considering that Snow White just talked about her childhood and how much she loved her dad (who mind you is decomposing somewhere while his daughters who he “used to tell stories to every night” flirts with some dude she just met) she made an incredible impression on the Prince. Maybe there are no women in his Kingdom… this is the only logical explanation I can come to on this one… which makes it a sad sad kingdom.

And now the Queen is talking to Snow about… something. I’m being distracted by the vest the guy in the background is wearing… I think it was mauled by a bear. Wow the Queen has a huge feather attached to her hat… I’ve seen smaller people. And not midget people… actual people. The bird that said feather came from has some serious issues man.

Here is Snow White's heart my Queen! Also you seem to have a giant, mutant Ostrich feather in your hat... just so you know.

Oh and now Snow is being led through the forest waiting to be killed and have her heart taken out.

OH DRAGON!!! The Huntsmen guy who was with her escaped but he took the heart of some dude that he was with. Seems harsh. “Hey you want to come on a trip to me? All right, but you should know if anything goes wrong I’m gonna literally rip your heart out and give it to the Queen… Just so we’re on the same page here”

Anyway through some series of events that I missed cause I was thinking about something pleasant and awesome, Snow White got knocked out and is now lying on the floor of the forest while a Dragon dines on the corpse of that other dude.

The Prince apparently thinks he’s gonna marry Snow White not knowing that she’s currently unconscious in the woods with drooly, poorly animated Dragons. Oh the Queen told him Snow White’s dead. He seems upset. Either that or drunk… Hard to tell right now. “My love has been taken” he says… wow… you met her once dude! You had a four minute conversation about her childhood and how she used to walk in the woods like a psycho. And it’s not even like she was hot! Maybe a 4 out of 10 on a good day. And yesterday was not a good day. I’m just here to tell you.

Oh and we’re back with Snow. Who apparently has been whisked to safety by some elves… she’s sleeping uglily on a couch while some healer women concocts a potion for her. Apparently it’s very important that we watch this happen. There is NO DIALOGUE at all right now, just some woman dropping unlabeled substances into an unlabeled bottle. Watching. Still watching. Man this is gripping. I can barely take my eyes off the screen… Wow… Oh no she didn’t!!! Nothing interesting happened by the way… I was just trying to spice things up a bit.

Orlando the elf just got there. He doesn’t like Snow. Not a fan of the other two elves either. Seems to be a surly fellow all around… Orlando also has an incredibly deep voice for someone who looks about 12. Also, don’t think the irony of having an elf who happens to be named “Orlando” is lost on me.

And we’re back with the Queen. Oh and here comes the inevitable “I’m gonna tell you my plan right now just in case anyone was still interested in this film” moment. And it continues… She wants the thing that originally fell to earth and made the dragons and elves and whatever… not surprising… Okay if I had an omniscient mirror the question that I asked the most would not be “do you think I’m pretty?” it would be “Where’s my other sock?” or “why do young fools fall in love?” or “What are the powerball numbers?”

Moron.

Oh she just killed that guy who lied to her about the whole heart thing. And she’s sending out search parties for Snow White.

I’ve always felt “Search party” was a misleading term. Generally it just involves a lot of smelly men looking for someone no one likes so they can shoot them. That is not much of a party. I feel like if we attached some streamers onto the horses and someone brought along the complete DVD set of the Aliens movies THEN we could have a party. At best this is a “Search gathering.” Come on, people.

Orlando is very upset about the search party’s… He’s so mean and uncaring, I’m really looking forward to watching Snow White change his view of the world later in the movie…

Man.. an elf just got snuck up on by two soldiers who were wearing full armor and laughing maniacally.

Elf Fail.

And now Orlando and that potion mixing woman are running from Soldiers… the woman just tripped.

Double Elf fail.

Elves aren’t supposed to trip. You’re a leaf on the wind, and one with nature and stuff. Oh, and she’s ugly too… if you were wondering. Anyway, they kill the soldier chasing them (when there are two of you and one soldier is chasing you and you both have weapons running really isn’t the first choice is it?)

Anyway we’re back at the Queens castle now where Spike Hair is still really torn up about this whole “that girl I talked to once is gone” thing. Granted though with Snow White gone he has to marry the Queen again so… I guess I can sympathize… I mean at least Snow White is young and ugly. The Queen is old and ugly and talks to a mirror so I suppose he’s got reasons to be upset.

Well that about wraps this up for me. I’m gonna go to sleep now. I’ll finish this post sometime on Thursday. Have a great week everyone and remember today’s lesson “Don’t propose to a woman four feet from the decomposing corpse of their husband.”

Hey everyone, well it’s time for another Monday posting and as I stood and looked out at my vast internet kingdom, I thought to myself. “Self, every rose has its thorn. Just like every night has its dawn. Just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song.” And when I was done quoting the lyrics to old songs by oddly named rock groups, I decided to sit down and right another post about Redbox! Not because I’ve been way too busy to watch any new movies lately, but because I believe that all men, women, and various mutant lizard type things who might read this in the future “Giant Lizard Society of Indonesia” deserve to be free from the tyranny of bad movies! So read on denizens of the interweb. And be free.

Jack and Jill-

Look at this picture and tell me this won't be a terrible movie? Yeah... I didn't think so.

Have I seen it- Nope.

Will I- Nope.

I would like to officially submit to the world that Adam Sandler is no longer funny. Officially submitted. Let me just describe to you the main plot point of this movie: Adam Sandler has a twin sister also played by Adam Sandler. There are certain movie script ideas that sit at the bottom of the “Comedians Who Have Run Out of Original Ideas” trash can, and this is the one at the bottom. In fact this is the idea that is stuck to the bottom with the chewing gum of other less funny people. In fact, this is the idea stuck to the bottom and used as waste paper for the pigeons of other less funny, homeless people. And yet somehow Adam Sandler still thought this was a good idea. If you value your brain, you will not watch Jack and Jill.

 Grimm’s Snow White-

Okay is it just me or does it look like someone photoshopped Alice from "Alice in Wonderland" into the front of this picture?

Have I Seen It- Nope

Will I- Maybe… for comedy purposes.

I love it when this happens. For those of you who don’t know there are two movies this summer that are “live action spins on Snow White… and things”.  One of them (Mirror Mirror) looks like it was designed, written, and acted by dyslexic dolphins. And the other one looks pretty cool and has Chris Awesome Hemsworth in it. Anyway this movie is neither of those movies but is hoping that when you go to Redbox you’ll think “Oh I heard about that movie. It looked decent.” And rent it, hoping to watch Chris Hemworth hack at things with axes.

I feel like this picture is all the proof I need that Mirror Mirror will be a horrible movie.

Anyway by all accounts this movie looks terrible, is terrible, and will continue to be terrible but I might rent it just cause I want to sit and make fun of it in a gregarious sort of way.

Footloose-

Tune in for the thrilling sequel to Footloose, Carloose!!

Have I seen it- Nope.

Will I- Probably not.

By all accounts this was a movie that wasn’t as terrible as its premise sounds. Then again when your premise is “A small town where dancing is illegal is changed forever by the arrival of a rebellious dancing guy and a preachers daughter” really the only place to go is up. Regardless of all that though, supposedly the movie wasn’t terrible. But, then again… again, if someone came up to me and said: “Hey I made this crème bule out of the corpse of my pet Komodo Dragon, Herbert the Conqueror, and it’s not terrible.” I wouldn’t exactly be standing in line with my plate held anxiously afore me. Frankly there are a lot of “not terrible” movies that I would rather watch. For instance…

Hugo

I feel like the whole "Hanging perilously from a clock" thing has officially been overdone. Sort of like horror movies have overdone "decapitated statue of liberty." Thus I propose a new craze "hanging perilously from the decapitated statue of liberty."

Have I Seen It- No.

Will I- Maybe Probably…

There are two distinct groups where Hugo is concerned there’s the “yeah, I really liked it” group who are mostly people who watch a lot of movies and are generally intelligent and slightly pretentious. And then there’s the “Yeah it looked kinda cool but I never really understood what was going on.” These are generally people who weren’t paying attention or came to the theater waiting for something to get blown up. On the whole I would generally recommend Hugo, which (for those of you who haven’t heard) is sort of a shout out to classic films and filmmakers. I haven’t watched it yet (obviously) but I plan to and will probably have more to say on its relative pretentiousness when I’m done.

There Be Dragons-

Probably the greatest waste of the word "dragon" in modern film history.

Have I Seen It- No.

Will I- Definitely not.

You know what this movie is about? Two friends in the Spanish Revolution who wind up on opposite sides of the conflict. You know what this movie isn’t about?? DRAGONS!!! You can’t just tack dragons onto the end of your movie to make people watch it! That’s like misrepresenting the entire proud dragon race!! Dragonheart had a dragon in it! How to Train Your Dragon, Dragon Crusades, Puff the Magic etc. you know what all of those movies have in common?? Actual Dragons!!! I mean at least “Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” told us that the only dragons we would be getting would be in tattoo form. And don’t try and tell me you somehow snuck a dragon into pre-World War 2 Spain, Movie. I am officially not watching this purely out of principle. The only time I can remember being this disappointed in a movie title was when I realized that Remember the Titans was really just a touching story of football and racism in the South and not about a football team comprised of mythological greek gods… which is actually a great idea for a movie… umm… Copyright that idea…

Well I hope you all have a great Monday. Check back in here on Thursday for (possibly) another live blog movie… thing depending on if I can snag a few free hours and a copy of Grimm’s Snow White. I’m gonna go write a movie pitch for that football idea now… I’m thinking of calling it “First and Titan”…