Posts Tagged ‘Gone with the Wind’

Well hey Internet, and happy Valentine’s Day! A day that for about half the Internet we spend the day being thankful for the loved ones in our lives, and for the other half it’s a bitter, raging fire of garbage. But hey: super big sale on candy tomorrow right? Shouldn’t that bring everyone together? I’ve done a couple Valentine’s themed posts over lo these many years and I thought this year we would go ahead and answer the question that’s been on ALL y’alls lips: what is the most romantic movie… of all time!!

The 10 Most Romantic Movies of All Times.

Now, to give credit where credit is due: this is not my list. This is a list compiled by AMC movies, based on an audience poll. I have no idea what the ten most romantic movies of all time are, because I have a very loose grasp on romance. This would be like asking a dog to rate it’s ten favorite Carps, maybe that dog knows what carp is, but he doesn’t understand Carp enough to actually form a list of carp. So I thought who better to entrust with this crucial list, than the Internet!!… Oh… literally anyone else huh? Oops.

  1. Love Actually
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Oh good… this charisma black hole again…

 

Well way to start off with a movie I strongly disagree with there, Internet. Love Actually features: a grieving father trying to hook up his 8 year old son. A best friend who VERY creepily confesses his love for said best friends wife roughly an hour after they get married. A man cheating on his wife. And Hugh Freekin’ Grant… I mean WHY? This is really what you want to experience in your romantic life internet??

  1. Titanic

Yeah, this was a terrible idea. The Titanic?? This is an eight hour long movie detailing the least surprising boat crash in history, and telling the story of a poor boy with no redeeming features other than “he’s pretty.” And an aloof heiress with the common sense of a puddle. Who (in the end) show a shocking lack of understanding as to how floating pieces of wood work.

  1. Pride and Prejudice
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Is that Darcy or her shoulder angel?

 

This is a fine entry. Just to clarify this is the Kierra Knightley version and not the Collin Firth one, but whatever. They’re both fine. Both tell the story of an incredibly stuck up man, who does one nice thing with his life, and is instantly rewarded with the love of a woman who had heretofore hated him for VERY good reasons.

  1. Roman Holiday
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This picture features both a literal and a metaphorical third wheel!

 

Aw, now see this is a great movie!! Audrey Hepburn just Hepburning out all over the joint! It’s basically reverse Cinderella but I mean come on! How is this not WAY higher on the list??

  1. Breakfast at Tiffany’s
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The most hilarious heroine?? Even the cat isn’t sure about that.

 

Okay now see… I think Roman Holiday is a better movie than this. This is a great movie but let’s talk about the racist elephant in the room shall we?? Yeah, what was Mickey Rooney doing in this movie?? I realize it was a different time but did know on see Mickey Rooney in costume for this and go: “Wait… this is CRAZY racist isn’t it??” Great movie, but I’d still put Roman Holiday above it.

  1. Now, Voyager

Okay I’m not gonna lie… I have no idea what this is… hang on. This is a 1942 movie based on a book by the same name and starring Bette Davis. Wow… I just read the plot synopsis for this movie and… dang. I think I need a nap. I mean it sounds romantic I guess but… man. I’d much rather watch Roman Holiday and maintain the tiny teeny amount of faith in humanity that I have left.

  1. Sense and Sensibility

How is Sense and Sensibility this high??? I mean, I’m not an expert but isn’t Pride and Prejudice better? Granted this movie has Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman but you know who else’s sleazy, greasy, Britishy face is all up in here??? Hugh Grant.

  1. The Notebook
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Least appropriate boating attire imaginable.

 

Okay now… give me a moment to compose myself. This is a BAD movie guys. Why are there so many dang birds?? We get it. We’re all birds. Or the main character girl is a bird?? Secondly: laying in the road is not romantic! People die that way. You. Specifically. Will die. I hope. You know who the best character in this whole movie was?? Lon. Lon was patient, and steadily loved a girl who (apparently) was a pheasant in another life or something. Pheasant-girl was off making googly eyes with that guy who STALKED her, and Lon was paying the bills. Putting in the work. Lon, is a national treasure. Swan-lake or whatever her name was, is a terrible person who apparently couldn’t be bothered to look up Ryan Goslings address so she could send him a letter. This is a bad movie guys.

  1. Casablanca

Don’t get me wrong here but… is Casablance really a romance?? It’s mostly a war movie/drama. There are romantic parts to be sure, and it’s a GREAT movie, but I don’t know that I would call it a romance.

  1. Gone with the Wind
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Umm… what?

WHAT?!?!?!?!? WHHHAT?!??!!? Internet what have you done!! Gone With the Wind is not a romance. It’s a long sordid history of two HORRIBLE people, who get married for the wrong reasons, constantly fight, name a baby (I swear I’m not making this up) Bonnie Blue Butler and then break up!!! How is THIS the most romantic movie ever in your mind??? Do you guys secretly want to be Scarlet, who marries about 8 people over the course of this movie, stalks her best friends husband, and makes every decision in her life based on what her waist line will be?? Do men want to be Rhett Butler, who spends YEARS selfishly terrorizing a woman until she finally marries him and then he INSTANTLY changes his mind about that and only stays with her because of his terribly named daughter?? WHY???

Okay… sorry… Ya know what?? No. I refuse to accept this list. I thought I could trust you with this internet but I can’t. Here, take this edited list, and go have a happy Valentine’s day. I’m sorry I lost my temper… it’s not your fault.

  1. Sense and Sensibility
  2. Breakfast at Tiffany’s
  3. Pride and Prejudice
  4. Roman Holiday
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Hi Internet, so it is STILL September. And there are still no good movies. Literally movies aren’t winning the box office for the week anymore there’s just the “movie that lost the least.” I mean, Guardians of the Galaxy was the top movie last week and that came out more than a month ago. It’s not even trying to be the “movie that lost the least” anymore, Guardians of the Galaxy has already  made roughly the gross domestic income of Europe and people are still throwing money at it cause it’s better than watching anything else in theaters.  So what is a movie blogger supposed to do exactly? When faced with long odds, slow movies, and a movie theater as empty and barren as the creative mind of Adam Sandler?

If you answered spend quality time with friends and family and establish meaningful human relationships you obviously do not know me very well. If you answered murder things, then pull up a chair, grab a drink and NEVER talk to me… ya weirdo. I played Destiny this weekend and Destiny is (undeniably) wonderful. A sweet buttery pastry dish of wonderfulness and murder. I’m not a fan of first person shooters (generally speaking) but when a first person shooter has an interesting story, awesome gameplay, a cool looking aesthetic, and some of the most awesome wonderful landscapes ever… I’m in. I’m in there like hair care… I do not myself understand that joke. Sorry. But anyway, I’m not gonna review Destiny today cause I only rented it and only played it for a couple hours so I don’t really have a huge base of experience to work off of there. What I do have though is a whole ton of ignorance and sarcasm waiting to be unleashed on an innocent movie that probably doesn’t deserve it.

Micah Retro-Review’s: Gone with the Wind

So Gone with the Wind is a classic movie… for some reason. It’s about a million years long, makes no sense, and features what is conceivably the least sympathetic protagonist in the history of Cinema and yet for some reason people keep talking about it. So here I am, with little research, no qualifications, and very little idea of what actually happens in the movie, to talk about it.

Our heroes everyone: think Bella and Edward but give Edward a mustache and replace vampirism with racism.

Our heroes everyone: think Bella and Edward but give Edward a mustache and replace vampirism with racism.

The Plot:

Okay so Gone with the Wind opens on the majestical plantation of Terror… or Tara… or something. Terror is a great place if (that is) you’re a rich white person. Currently there’s a big party of rich snotty white people going on at Terror and the richest snottiest person of them all is a girl named Scarlet Johanssen. I mean O’hara. Anyway, when we first meet Scarlet she’s jamming food into her face and talking to a bunch of men and they all think she’s beautiful and attractive and that she would make a wonderful mother for their children.

After that, Scarlet meets a man named Rhett Buttler who is (in every way imaginable) a complete jerk. Then the Civil War happens and all of the people who love her wander off to various places and then… something else happens… that I am admittedly SUPER sketchy on. I think maybe Scarlet is in love with someone with a really stupid name… like Ashley, or Gena or something that is 98 Percent a girls name. So she’s in love with Gertrude or whatever his name is but she ends up marrying some other guy who then goes off to war and dies of the measles or the mumps or… a mocha. Or something. So Scarlet’s mother sends her off to Atlanta to recover her sanity by helping a bunch of wounded soldiers who are slowly dying of mumps, malaria, and bullets!!

But Scarlet (because she is a TERRIBLE person) can’t handle taking care of soldiers and runs away from all of them. Here she meets Rhett again but Rhett (because he is conceivably a WORSE  person) abandons her for reasons that are never entirely clear (though she is SUPER annoying and INCREDIBLY whiny so… I get it) and then he goes off to do some things while Scarlet goes back home to Terror, with some people and conceivably a baby… for some reason. When she gets to Terror though the place is a rundown wreck and she eats some… carrots… or something? And then she gets super mad at the carrots and yells something about how hungry she is… and she doesn’t want to be hungry anymore, but like she’s holding carrots. Eat the carrots lady. Don’t yell at the sky.

Anyway so that’s the end. Of Part 1. Yeah… there’s a whole other part to this story of two jerky unappealing people who want to alternatively marry and definitely not marry each other.

There aren't words to describe the intense dislike you will feel towards these two brickfaced emotional wastelands.

There aren’t words to describe the intense dislike you will feel towards these two brickfaced emotional wastelands.

So along comes part 2. Scarlet is settling down at Terror and so far has avoided both carrots and yelling at the sky. Unfortunately, she gets married again to some dude named a mans actual name (Frank… or Fred… or something.) But he gets murdered by someone that has something to do with Scarlet because it’s her fault and she is (let us remember) a terrible horrible person.

So now that she’s murdered two husbands with her smarmy, stupid face, Rhett proposes marriage to her and THEY  get married officially claiming the Worst Couple Ever award for YEARS. But wait, it gets better, because these two unlikable, moronic, unattractive, soot piles, decide to make a baby and they name that baby (wait for it) Bonnie Blue. No, I’m not making that up. If I tried to make up a name stupider than that… I would fail. Scarlet decides that she doesn’t like having babies though (which in her defense does make sense) and that she won’t have any more.

A child of two intensely unlikable people. The death of this little brickfaced unlikable person is incredibly sad... maybe...

A child of two intensely unlikable brickfaced people. The death of this little brickfaced unlikable person is incredibly sad… maybe…

Shortly after this decision though Blue Bonnet falls off of a tiny pony and dies. Rhett wants Scarlet to have another baby but Scarlet has come to the (very logical) conclusion that Rhett should NEVER BE ALLOWED TO PROCREATE. Ever. And she won’t do it. Plus, she runs into Jeana, or Billy Sue, or whatever that dudes name was that she was in love with earlier, and they hug… or something happens between them. And then the mother of the baby that belongs to Jeana also dies and then Rhett decides to leave Scarlet (because he’s a jerk and insensitive but she is also (in his defense) a jerk and insensitive AND in love with someone named after a girl)   and Scarlet in a shocking moment that really proves her hilarious inability to make any sort of decision about anything, begs Rhett to stay.

Rhett, in a moment of true, earth shattering, mind numbing, dumb, insensitive, jerkishness, leaves anyway. And Scarlet, in a true, earth shattering, stupid, dumb, face melting, brain draining display of true moronicness vows to win him back. And that, friends, is (mercifully) the end of this movie. Thank, the Lord.

In Conclusion:

Usually I tear apart these old classic movies and then at the end I laugh and say “but totally still watch this movie cause it’s a classic and a good time” but in this case? Don’t actually watch this. I mean it’s not like… the worst movie ever. But it is actually about four hours long. And it actually features two of the most hilariously unlikeable and moronically stupid characters ever in the world of anything. So yeah… don’t watch it.

Thanks for reading guys, you all are awesome, and check back in on Thursday as I continue to try and come up with something to write about as the month of September rolls on.