Posts Tagged ‘Gone Girl’

Well hey Internet and welcome to what I like to call the good happytimes awesome blog!!!… Yeah we’re never calling it that again. But anyway here we are with another thrilling episode of: Box Office Top Ten.

10. The Maze Runner

A movie about some dudes in a maze for reasons that are never entirely clear.  It’s a decent (if not extraordinary) sci-fi thriller that involves some running and some mazing and a bunch of little kids mostly pretending they’re in the Hunger Games. So if you ever wished the Hunger Games starred more men, and less children-cide then I guess this is for you. All three of you.

"It's okay, no matter what happens this tiny vest will protect us."

“It’s okay, no matter what happens this tiny vest will protect us.”

9. The Equalizer

Denzel Washington shows up and shoots some people, a largely blah affair but decently interesting if you’re in the mood for a Liam Neeson movie but can’t find your Liam Neeson accoutrements. There’s some bang, and some boom, and some murder and Denzel Washington probably yells at somebody to take a lap or something.

8. Annabelle

A movie about a creepy murder doll Annabelle manages to basically spend an hour and a half of your life, not showing you anything you haven’t seen before. This is my real problem with the horror genre, there are only so many ways to show something horrible happening to someone. This guy murders that thing, this doll is possessed by a demon and wants to kill people, this thing of play-dough has been possessed by the actual Plato and is forcing children to lean philosophy. It’s all been done before.

7. The Judge

The Judge is a sad story, of a super talented actor who turns in a great performance in a mediocre movie about a judge. What? Oh no that’s not the plot of the movie, that’s just the story of Robert Downey Jr. Great performance by him, mediocre performance for the movie. Robert is a thoroughbred horse running in a race against a daddy long legs… Thoroughbred horses are a thing right? They make those?

6. Dracula Untold

Hi! I made a video review of this on the awesome new Thoughts We Might Have Had video blog!! Click here!! Watch it! Love it! Like it! Subscribe to it! Dance for it!!… I’m gonna stop this now.

 5. The Best of Me

Cause nothin' says romance like giant kissy faces in the sky.

Cause nothin’ says romance like giant kissy faces in the sky.

Hey look it’s another horribly cliché movie based on a Nicolas Sparks book!! If the horror movie genre is at this point a tired piece of gum that you’ve been chewing on for a while but at least at one time or another was at least okay, then the Nicolas Sparks book/movie genre is an insane acupuncturist who has tied you down to her table and is assaulting you with more needles then you could possibly find in all the haystacks of the world. Sure, at first it was nice in sort of a relieving sort of way but at this point you’ve just had the absolute snot stabbed out of you and all you want is for some higher power to come down and make Nicholas Sparks STOP!!!

4. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day

I’m annoyed that this movie has gotten good reviews. I refuse to watch it and I can’t describe to you what a horrible time I have with a six page book being turned into an hour and a half movie and then that movie somehow being not terrible. I’m bothered. It goes against every snooty film instinct I can possibly imagine. That said it has a lower review score then another kids movie you should be watching this week so that’s something anyway.

 3. The Book of Life

The Book of Life has gotten awesome reviews and while it lacks originality from a story standpoint it makes up for it with an astonishing visual pallet. Think Avatar for kids… but ya know… more clothes. Also I wrote “Astonishing visual pallet” so I officially have my snooty film pants back on.

2. Gone Girl

It’s a good movie… in a terrible way. It’s rated R… for very clear reasons… but beyond that it’s a movie with a good plot and some really good acting performances. It’s a win, just ya know… make sure you’re ready for this sort of win. This is the kidnapping equivalent of The Grey… it’ll mess you up.

1. Fury

Brad Pitt drives a tank and murders people. A lot. It’s a hardcore war movie in the oldest tradition of hardcore war movies. It’s awesome in its own super realistic war movie sort of way.  I mean come on, it’s Brad Pitt, with a tank. It’s Shia LaBeouf with maybe some tiny part of his egg-brittle sanity still intact. And who doesn’t want to see the kid from transformers working with a tank and scant tiny little pieces of his scattered sanity?

Brad Pitt and his new sweet hairstyle everyone. It's furious.

Brad Pitt and his new sweet hairstyle everyone. It’s furious.

And there you have it guys, the movie ten. Thanks for reading, be sure to check out the video blog! We’ll be back here saeme as always, come Thursday afternoon.

Well hey Internet, and welcome to Thursday. The day before Friday and the first in a long spiral of weekends that will inevitably land us with Halloween and (blessings to us all) some decent movies. But before we get to those let’s get to a little I like to put in bold font and center called:

Weekly Headlines 10/2/14

In our lead story Adam Sandler just signed a contract with Netflix to make 4 movies exclusively for the online movie giant. I think this is great because it skips the parts where the horrible movies Adam Sandler has been making lately go into theaters and skips straight to the part where Netflix recommends them to me and I ignore them.

Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor was released this month (for Xbox One and PS4 anyway) to some fairly awesome reviews. Shadow of Mordor has gotten some really good reviews as it’s a game that gives you the chance to do some other stuff and then MURDER A BUNCH OF ORCS. And then probably still do some other stuff. I may be sketchy on the non-essential details.

A full trailer for “Exodus: Gods and Kings” came out this week and it looks pretty solid! For those of you who don’t know Exodus tells the story of Moses in a real historical, biblical setting, as told by two super white guys pretending to be Egyptian/Israelite. Unlike this years earlier Cinematic Biblical Blockbuster “Noah and the Rock Monsters of Angeldom” there’s at least a small chance that someone involved with this movie read the Bible story it’s based on. I’m at least moderately excited for this mess because “Egyptian Batman” totally works for me.

If just once he grabs Pharoah and whispers "I'm Moses" I will die happy.

If just once he grabs Pharaoh and whispers “I’m Moses” I will die happy. Possibly directly afterword.

Speaking of trailers the first trailer for Taken 3 is out and folks… I’m in. I thought Taken 2 looked unnecessary and contrived and just a weird idea in general but it was at least a good action movie that followed Liam Neeson around and watched him punch people. My problem with Taken 2 really was that it just looked too much like the original Taken. This movie though seems to be taking (ha ha) the series in a new direction while still featuring its strongest asset: the concrete blocks of mystical wonder that are the fists of Liam Neeson. Plus Famke Jensson gets murdered! And who doesn’t want to watch that? (in a movie… don’t make it weird internet.)

This weekend’s box office features three new movies! The wife kidnapped thriller suspense thingy: Gone Girl. The horror movie that looks exactly like every other horror movie ever: Annabelle. And (of course) the really bad looking movie starring Nicolas Cage: Left Behind. All that to say if you’re looking for a movie to watch this weekend, watch Gone Girl. The other two come with FDA warnings involving the contents of the movie doing permanent damage to your brain cells. And they will children. They will.

For those of you who are about to hate on me for judging Left Behind before I’ve seen it, I just want you to know that I saw the last Left Behind and so far most people who have seen it agree that this Left Behind is somehow WORSE than that one. And let’s not underestimate the hard work the last Left Behind movie put in to make sure that couldn’t happen. But never underestimate the ability of Nic Cage and a bunch of genuinely earnest but unfortunately misled people who thought that this was a good idea.

Oh I should probably mention that the number one movie at the Box Office this week was “The Equalizer.” The Equalizer is nothing you haven’t seen before, Denzel Washington is a deadly man out for revenge against some people not as deadly as he is. That said the Liam Neeson Principle applies here and there’s enough face punching and Denzelhood to make up for a fairly “meh” plot and a lack of supporting talent.

In other Netflix news, Netflix recently greenlighted their first major motion picture Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 2: Electric Boogaloo. Yeah Netflix, you go! You get that sequel to a movie with a plot so loosely put together you could literally say that pretty much ANY martial arts movie that came out since then was its sequel. Don’t get me wrong: I think Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is awesome and responsible for a great sub-genre of martial arts awesomeness but why couldn’t you just make a movie about literally ANY bunch of people doing Martial Arts? Did you really NEED to attach your tiny Netflix flag to a major motion picture just to make yourselves feel like a real boy?

A movie that defies gravity. Over and over and over and over and over.

A movie that defies the laws of gravity. Over and over and over and over and over again. This is probably Isaac Newton’s least favorite movie ever.

And finally in a VERY timely piece of news, last night Pixar (Disney’s little film company that could) released a trailer for their next full Computer animated movie: Inside Out. And that trailer told us NOTHING about the movie. It has something to do with the emotions inside of our heads (Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear) all being represented by different characters and theirs a little girl who all of this is happening inside of? Maybe. And that’s it. “But Micah” you’re no doubt saying, “how could a trailer that lasts one minute and 41 seconds tell you nothing about the actual movie?” The answer to that question is because the first minute or so of the trailer is a bunch of flashbacks to other Pixar movies. For some reason. So yes, Pixar is not only advertising their new movie (which we now know for sure is about something) but it’s also (simultaneously) advertising for ALL of its old movie. Well played Disney. Well played.

So Judging Covers is back!! How I missed such things! I’m not gonna lie I mostly totally forgot that I did this at all! But now that I’ve remembered, let’s go ahead and watch some trailers and then judge them unfairly based purely on that!!

Unbroken– In theaters 12/25/14

Wow… this movie looks insane. I have nothing funny to say about this… except that the guy does have some really creepy facial hair… he looks like a super dirty Frenchmen… seriously though, this looks awesome. I want to watch it but… probably not on or around Christmas, it does not exactly scream “holiday spirit.” Wow, that was a downer to start this Trailer judging off on… what do I have that’s light on superfluous?

Penguins of Madagascar – In theaters 11/23/14

Okay, I’ve never been a huge fan of the Madagascar series because the main characters were always SUPER annoying while the supporting character (the penguins and King Julien) were just funny enough to make me watch it (meaning not only did I not like the movies but I also HAD to watch them just for the five to ten minutes of genuine funny.) So now we’ve cut out the main characters and have made the Penguins the new focus??? Dude, sign me up!! (though if there’s not a King Julien cameo I will be GROSSLY disappointed… which now that I think about doesn’t make a ton of sense… what will I, not take a shower for several days and then be disappointed?? Lather myself in spoilt goose grease and THEN be disappointed?… that actually sounds awesome… sorry, what were we talking about?)

The Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 1 – In theaters 11/21/14

So that’s a “teaser” and does nothing for Mockingjay except to remind me how much I dislike Peeta. The jerk. And now he’s in a white suit on a white background standing next to a white dude named Snow… white. Tee-hee. Yeah, this trailer tells me nothing and the fact that it’s a “Part 1” means that this movie will move slow and have no real climax… yay.

Dracula Untold – In theaters 10/17/14

Is it just me or does this movie look kind of awesome? Like REALLY awesome. This thing just made my must see list. Luke Evans looks awesome, the storyline seems solid and interesting, and Dracula’s powers seem awesome!! Could this movie save vampires from Edward Cullen?

The Expendables 3 – In theaters 8/15/14

Ha ha. I don’t care.

Gone Girl – In theaters  10/3/14

Well I’m creeped out. I will probably watch this movie but only in a well lit room with a GPS tracker injected into my blood. Gives me the jibblies…

Thank you, Strongbad.

Thank you, Strongbad.

Exodus: Gods and Kings – In theaters 12/12/14

It’s Egyptian Batman!!! I mean, Christian Bale… and Joel Edgerton??? Who both look surprisingly Egyptian for being two ridiculously non-egyptian white people. There should probably be some “No Egyptians were used in the making of this film” disclaimer on this movie. That’s probably unfair… I’m sure there were some Egyptians in the background there… probably playing Israelites.

So, there you go guys!! An old friend resurrected from the grave! Brought back from the edge of disaster, the edge of oblivion, the edge of tomorrow (starring Tom Cruise.) And speaking of tomorrow, I will see you all when I post again on Monday (which in no way links up to me speaking about tomorrow)!!