Posts Tagged ‘Godzilla’

Internet!! Sorry about yesterday… I… I have no excuse. Well to be honest I have several excuses but they are (to be frank) pretty lame. Like your face. BURN!!!! And speaking of burns it’s now time for everyone’s favorite part of the end of the summer. An awards show that features comedy, hilarity, intelligence, and very very few actual awards!!

Micah’s Summer Movie Awards 2014 

Most Rheumatoid Arthritis – Expendables 3

See, at the beginning of the Expendables movies they were kind of this cute little thing. Like all the people in  a nursing home getting together in the front yard and playing a really aggressive game of croquet… with guns. But at this point it’s kind of just depressing, you can’t shake the feeling that somewhere someone is just trying to get Sylvester Stallone to sit down for a nice cup of tea and a nap but he just keeps wandering off with his friends to play in the jungle. Poor guy.

 Most fails by the military – Godzilla

Godzilla was basically a long series of the military (US and otherwise) failing to do things. Failing to blow up a monster, failing to contain a monster, failing to move a bomb, failing to notice that a huge monster had DESTROYED THE BACK HALF OF A MOUNTAIN!!! And then Godzilla killed some stuff.  With fire. From his face.

Sure it looks impressive, but this whole thing is made of silly string and used putty.

Sure it looks impressive, but this whole thing is made of silly string and used putty.

Best Thumb Drive – Lucy

A thumb drive that was somehow also Scarlet Johanssen. I can think of about a million nerds who would literally give limbs to possess that drive.  For mere seconds.

Most Unnecessary Sequel – Transformers: Age of Extinction

As usual for the last few summers the competition for this category was stiff. With such great contestants as Think Like a Man Too, Rio 2, Expendables 3, The Purge: Anarchy, Planes: Fire & Rescue,  and of course Step Up: All In. But none of those movies could hold a candle to the huge pile of unnecessary movie-ness that was Transformers. Michael Bay took a widely criticized film franchise with utterly forgettable characters, indistinguishable robots, and a plot so thin that Miley Cyrus thought it was too revealing and decided that the best way to fix it was to change the forgettable characters with even more forgettable characters. This movie served no purpose. None. And yet (for some reason) people watched it. And that makes me sad.

Most Muscles – Hercules

Say what you want about Hercules’ bland storyline, so-so acting, and overall kind of suckiness but the Rock is a large large person… With a lion on his head.

Lion hats: because why not look like you're being eaten by a lion, all the time?

Lion hats: because why not look like you’re being eaten by a lion, all the time?

Movie no one cared about – Earth to Echo

I literally think that NO ONE watched this. Like not even the people in the movie. I think they took pictures at the premier and then went to a different movie. A better movie. Practically any movie.

Movie Least Like the Book – The Giver

If you’re ever super bored go find a big fan of The Giver and ask them what they thought of the movie. It’s hilarious. In a sad way.

Best Kids Movie – How to Train Your Dragon 2

For those of you already complaining The Lego Movie did NOT come out this summer. Calm down. Everything is Still Awesome… or whatever you people say. How to Train Your Dragon 2 managed to accomplish something so very rarely done with sequels, they paid homage to the first one, kept the feel of the world, and then expanded on those things and believably moved their characters forward. So parents, bring your kids. Watch this thing. And then put your kids to bed. And shut them up. Ha ha I’m kidding… Seriously though.

Biggest Pleasant Surprise – Edge of Tomorrow

A super good Tom Cruise movie. Yup… I typed that. It was great. You should watch it. Tom Cruise is in it. A lot. I think I may be ill.

Biggest Unpleasant Surprise – Umm… Maleficent??

This was a tough category not because there weren’t bad movies. There were A LOT of bad movies, but I knew they were going to be bad. Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Get on Up, Tammy. These were all bad. But they were all predictably bad. Even Lucy I wasn’t completely sold on. The only movie that I legitimately thought was gonna be great that turned out to be bad was Maleficent. I didn’t necessarily hate maleficent but it also was not great. And thus I was unpleasantly surprised.

Movie of the Summer – Guardians of the Galaxy

Okay, there were some genuinely great movies this summer. But this was not even close. Guardians of the Galaxy is pretty much the perfect summer movie. Heartfelt, hilarious, dance-offs. Everything you could want. Ever. It was an awesome, gutsy move by Marvel and it paid off big time. Groot forever.

So, there you go guys, another year, another bunch of awards no one cares about.

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Well hey Internet, how’s dancing??… Yeah that’s not gonna be a thing… Anyway, brace yourself Internet because today will feature a feat so fantastic that all featured feats featured before will feel feeble! I, on this day, will write about exactly what I said I would write about! That’s right ladies and gentleman, it’s time for:

Micah Reviews: Godzilla

Godzilla: King of Monsters and all around decent fellow enjoys long walks on the beach, short walks over buildings, and tearing heads off of giant death monsters. Godzilla’s been around for a VERY long time and after an absence of more than ten years (from the movie theater anyway) Godzilla has taken a firm kick with the re-boot and now is blitzing movie theaters everywhere once more. But is this a monster we should have brought back? Or should we have left this particular lizzard in the bottom of the sea?

The plot: Godzilla opens in 1999… the movie does, not the monster… wow that’s gonna get confusing… if only there was some rule of grammar or something to help out here.

Anyway, “Godzilla” opens in 1999 when a bunch of scientist discovering a sciency thing in a hole. We then jump to another place in 1999 where, for COMPLETELY unrelated science reasons, a nuclear plant explodes.

Fast forward ten years or so we meet our hero John Soldierperson. That is, of course, not his actual name but as with every human character in this movie: that does not matter at all. John Soldierperson and Dad Crazyperson meet up with Scientist ThoroughlyJapaneseperson and as they do a huge deathmonster pops into existence. A deathmonster who promptly flys away looking for its wife Ladydeathmonster and a nice place to settle down and raise a family. Unfortunately for Mr. and Mrs. Deathmonster, Godzilla (the deathliest of death monsters) pops up out of the ocean and starts chasing them down. In the meantime, people are doing some things that do not work.

I'm fairly certain both of these people were, for various reasons, in the movie. Beyond that... I got nothing.

I’m fairly certain both of these people were, for various reasons, in the movie. Beyond that… I got nothing.

I’m not going to lie to you, Internet: as I was watching this movie something short circuited in the theater and I missed about ten minutes of it. Fortunately (as far as I could tell) nothing of ANY importance happened in those ten minutes. Nothing.

The Pros:

Godzilla.  He breaks stuff.

The supporting cast here is (for the most part) pretty solid. They don’t necessarily have a ton to do other than “be afraid of that monster” but they do it well enough I suppose.

Another point here for raw Godzilla awesome. He breaks stuff.

The Negatrons: 

Some criminal lack of observancy in this movie: soldiers hang out with two giant monster eggs for a while without thinking “man I wonder where that huge path through the jungle came from” and (in my favorite example) a giant 300 foot monster blows out the side of a mountain, and gets halfway across the desert to Las Vegas before anyone INSIDE THE FACILITY, notices.

In keeping with the intelligence of the other movies characters, no one on this bridge actually saw Godzilla.

In keeping with the intelligence of the other movies characters, no one on this bridge actually saw Godzilla.

The script isn’t bad necessarily it just doesn’t actually… do anything. The humans try multiple times to stop the various Deathmonsters but they all (for various reasons that boil down to: humans suck) fail miserably. So in the end the script, just boils down to a couple failed attampts to stop things that we can’t stop.

Another thing that should be mentioned here (and this is slightly spoilery so if you’re REALLY concerned about not knowing about various EXTREMELY obvious plot twists stop here) is that all throughout the movie we’re told that Godzilla is hunting the other monsters and not humans but it’s never really explained why that happens. Godzilla is “the alpha predator” “restoring balance” but no one tells us why… or how he got that job. How does know what the Balance is? Is there a chart? What kind of pay does an Alpha Predator get? Is there health coverage?

In conclusion:

It may not seem like it but I actually enjoyed Godzilla… I mean, “Godzilla.” It wasn’t some big epic story of love and survival and stuff but it’s not necessarily a bad story. And the Godzilla portions are genuinely awesome. It’s a good movie for what it is, and it doesn’t try to be more then what it is and I can appreciate that.

I honestly had a lot of trouble coming up with a rating for this one… My wife asked me how I thought it compared with Man of Steel and honestly I felt pretty much the exact same way about both. They’re both decent movies when compared with movies in general, but actually a pretty good movie when compared with other movies in its own genre. Man of Steel was good for a Superman movie, and “Godzilla” is good for a monster movie.

And thus in similar fashion I hereby give “Godzilla” three quotation marks out of 5.

Well hey internet, and welcome to another party. Another week, and another batch of summer questions (our THIRD such batch)!! Why does this thing seem to happen earlier every year? I mean summer these days generally doesn’t start until the first big summer superhero movie but this year that happened in like the middle of spring! So what’s a blogger to do but give into the inevitable sweeping swiffer picker upper of time and start asking himself deep questions, thoughtful questions, questiony questions…

Summer Questions: Part 1

Question Number 1: What’s going on with the Amazing Spiderman 2?

Nobody knows. At all. Most people who have reviewed this movie (only those who have seen the WAY advanced screening which is to say Film snobs and Comic book snobs) have liked it. But that’s like getting your review of a local grass field from a cow and a sheep who live in that field. A lot of people are worried about all the villains here but really we’re mostly just looking at Electro (as played by Jamie Foxx… for some reason) and the Green Goblin (as played by someone who looks shockingly like a 14 year old girl.) Still though it seems like the Green Goblin will look decent in the movie (once he transforms from said girl) which is a far cry from the weird Halloween costume that he wore in the last movie he was in. Suffice to say: I actually think this will probably be a good movie. Andrew Garfield and Emmy Stone made the first Amazing Spiderman great, and they are both still in this movie so I’m at least willing to see what happens.

Question Number 2: What’s going on with Legend of Oz: Dorothy’s Return?

Seriously: nobody knows.

Like what's going on here? Why is there a giant owl?? What happened to the Good Witch's waist?? I'm so confused. And hungry.

Like what’s going on here? Why is there a giant owl?? What happened to the Good Witch’s waist?? I’m so confused. And hungry.

And nobody cares.

Question Number 3: How mediocre will Godzilla be?

I don’t think anyone actually thinks Godzilla is gonna be a good movie. The question we find ourselves pondering then as we reflect on various lizards of mass destruction is whether Godzilla will be “fun mediocre” or just regular mediocre. I don’t really think it will be bad… necessarily. But it won’t be good. The only question is whether or not you’ll watch it and go “Huh… well that was fun.” Or just “Huh…”

Question Number 4: Will X:men Days of Future Past be awesome or aw-terrible… umm… aw-suck??? Man this sentence worked better in my head… I should have just left it there huh?

In direct contrast to Godzilla, X-men will either be 100 percent awesome or 100 percent terrible. To use an illustration that I have no actual experience to back up, Godzilla is like doing a square-dance. Once you know the steps it’s fairly simple. Right foot, left foot, shake it all about. And so on. As long as you’re paying attention and not trying to dance with a chicken (or in this case a giant lizard) you’re at least going to do all right. X-men on the other hand, is like trying to dance the foxtrot with an actual fox while being lit on fire by a trotting elephant. If you can pull it off it might be the best thing ever in the world, but if not then you will be burned, stepped on, and licked by a fox… or make a bad movie… for Fox.

If it's any consolation this actual fox also has no idea what's going on.

If it’s any consolation this actual fox also has no idea what I’m talking about.

This whole paragraph was mostly just to say that X-men will either be awesome and great or horrible and terrible… and on fire.

Question Number 5: Is Maleficent the next Wicked?

It certainly wants to be (weird musical numbers aside) but can Maleficent really be as sympathetic a character as the Wicked Witch of the West somehow ended up being? It’s really not super likely. But I think it at least stands a chance of being a decent movie if it can avoid trying to make some big statement about “”how men clip the wings of women” and just focus on being a movie. I’m not saying a movie can’t say something about “how men clip the wings of women” but maybe just focus on making the movie work first huh?

Metaphor!!!!

But… Metaphor???

So there are five questions for the summer, if you’d like five more questions… or some other arbitrary number of questions that I will determine later, then come on back on Thursday!! And if not then umm… come back Thursday anyway.

Hey America… and other countries, and welcome to Thursday. It’s been a while since I did a Judging Covers post but with all the new trailers dropping from the hands of the Movie lords I figured this would be a good time to wipe the dust off of my incredibly judgmental glasses and talk about some movies purely based on the stuff in their trailers. Per usual, all these trailers are available on youtube or the movie trailer watching site of your choice.

Transformers: Age of Extinction

That’s right folks: Transformers 4: Putting the Stink back into Extinction. I hung with the transformers series for a long time even after the dripping mass of dirty laundry and angry muskrats that was Transformers 2 I believed that Michael Bay could pull off something entertaining with Transformers 3… and the he did not. At all. The sad thing is that I really like Mark Wahlberg, but even the prettiest girl in the world would smell of old cheese after being thrown headfirst into a melted vat of Limburger. The trailer seems to hit all the “bad Transformers movie” checkboxes. Obligatory hot girl in short shorts who can’t act, FBI guy who is a villain (but probably joins the good guys by the end), Scientist who doesn’t think we need transformers, screamy shot of Optimus Prime, etc. Not only does this look like a bad movie, it looks like the same bad movie we’ve already seen twice.

Annie

A trailer that just came out yesterday, the new Annie seems to be poised to make all of our childhood memories well up inside us like emotional gastrointestinal problems!– ew. Sorry… no idea what happened there. Umm– Cameron Diaz as Mrs. Hannigan seems like an odd choice but at this point Cameron Diaz is an odd choice to play a non-speaking character in a Geico commercial, so I guess I can’t be to thrown by this. Jamie Foxx seems charming and the little girl playing Annie looks face punchingly adorable so this movie will probably be all the things we want it to be, even if we just want it to be a fun new take on a very old story.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier 

There are about twenty different trailers out for this movie and it is officially starting to get on my wife’s nerves. It’s hard to disagree with her though, I mean, we all know Captain America is the worst of the Avenger’s super-heroes but at this point it just feel like he’s standing behind the Hulk jumping up and down, waving his arms, and desperately begging us to give him some attention. I’m already at least somewhat intrigued by this movie but am unlikely to get more excited no matter how many times Marvel shows me an aircraft carrier on fire. Calm down, Marvel. It’s gonna be okay.

But look how sad he is Micah!! He just wants to be loved.

But look how sad he is Micah!! He just wants to be loved.

Godzilla 

Godzilla’s first full trailer hit the internet last week and pretty much cleared up nothing at all about the movie. Godzilla will be big and will punch things, Aaron Taylor-Johnson is going to make an “oh no” face a lot, and then there’s some other guy who looks like a shaggy haired Robert Redford who seems to mostly be in the movie so he can over act really badly. I’m not saying Godzilla will be a bad movie (it probably won’t be) but it also isn’t really making me think it’s going to be a good movie. So far the trailers could be summarized by just saying “hey look at all this broken stuff!!!” And just having a bunch of cities get smashed doesn’t really make a good movie, right Man of Steel??? (glares at Superman)

Guardians of the Galaxy 

Ah, the sweet sweet scent of an awesome trailer. Guardians of the Galaxy looks like it’s shaping up to be an awesome new entry in Marvel’s already awesome universe. The movie just looks so distinct and seems like it’s going to land right in that sweetspot between “not taking itself too seriously” while also being a big action movie with a decent amount of heart. The cast looks great, the script seems sharp, and the action looks significantly big and explosiony. I’m pretty much all in on this one from here on out and (while there’s still a chance I’m wrong) this trailer only encourages my belief that we could be looking at something special here.

I was gonna put "your welcome" down here but Marvel already did. That's the kind of movie we're talking about here folks.

I was gonna put “your welcome” down here but Marvel already did. That’s the kind of movie we’re talking about here folks.

And there you have it guys!! Thanks for checking in and we will see you next week!