Posts Tagged ‘gods of Egypt’

Well hey guys, and welcome to June. A month primarily known for being before July. I mean, I got married in June and June was REAL excited about it. Nothing happens in June, or at least nothing good. And yes: I’m looking at you Warcraft. But more on that in a paragraph.

Weekly Headlines 6/1/2016

Well, it’s been a paragraph guys, so let’s talk about Warcraft. You know how I’ve been increasingly worried that the movie would suck?? It kinda sucks. It seems to have fallen to that classic book/video game problem of being stuck between trying to tell a new story, trying to pay service to its fans, and trying to bring in casual non-fans. It’s a tough line to walk, and for every movie that does it successfully (Lord of the Rings) there are about ten that do it unsuccessfully (The Mortal Instruments, The last two Hunger Games movies, The Host, 6 other examples.) It’s a tough thing to do, and Warcraft has not done it.


The good news is we didn’t spend a lot on CGI… oh wait.

So Daniel Craig is officially out as James Bond Angry Face. Look, of the four movies Craig was in 2 were good (Skyfall, and Casino Royale) one was fine (Spectre) and one was real real bad (Quantum of Solace) and really that’s not a bad run as James Bond. But that’s over now. Thank you Mr. Craig, you may go home now. So who’s next?? Well the current favorite seems (note the SEEMS) to be Tom Hiddleston. Who is unequivocally a great choice. Maybe take Bond away from Craigs sort of stone face machoness and make him a little more fun? After all if James Bond has been good at anything over the years it’s been mimicking whatever is popular in the action genre at the time, Craig’s Bond was a reaction to Jason Bourne for instance. The popular thing now though is sort of the wise cracking, smart mouthed, Tony Stark style action hero and Hiddleston could definitely do that. So more power to Mr. Hiddleston, but really, whatever. It doesn’t matter. It’s James Bond… it’ll be fine.

The Power Rangers producer says he’s anticipating 7-8 Power Rangers movies in the new franchise. I mean on the one hand… I guess??? I mean we’re on 6 Transformers movies and the absolute best one of those was the first one which was “Surprisingly not entirely terrible.” You don’t even need to make a good movie to continue to make movies anymore, all you need is a fan base that for some unknown reason keeps coming to the theater. That said: there will not be 7 Power Rangers movies. Heck I’ll be surprised if there are 3 Power Rangers movies. The first movie will come out and it will be bad but not TOO bad and it will make some money, so some hammered brained studio exec somewhere will say “WE CAN FIX IT!!!” and they’ll make a second movie, which will be terrible and make no money and the franchise will die. So it is spoken, so let it be done.


Power Rangers??? I guess???

Speaking of doomed franchises: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Sorry about the First One.” Comes out this week… and it’s real bad. Some would say worse than the first one, some would say worse than ANY one. Like literally, any one thing. Ever. Dead muskrat corpse?? Worse. Thanks for making a sequel guys. All the people who could have used that 70 million dollars you spent on this, really appreciate it.

Pitch Perfect 3 has been pushed from July 2017 to December 2017. I mean whatever, I’m sad that this won’t be out in July but this means Christmas songs. Pitcher Perfect with Christmas songs?? That’ll work.


I don’t know, ladies, but it’s apparently not English majors…

On DVD this week Gods of Egypt and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, easily the most rentable movies ever. I mean no one wants to pay 10 dollars to watch these train wrecks… but don’t you kind of want to see the train wreck?? And the train wreck does have some interesting parts… so rent it. It wasn’t worth ten dollars, but it’s probably worth 1.99. Probably.

Finally: two TV shows are trying to cash in on 80’s franchises and they both look terrible. Lethal Weapon seems like it’s gonna be a bored, tired, has been done better cop show. And MacGyver, which is a series idea that has not aged well. I mean in the 80’s if someone told you that you could make a nuclear reactor out of a paper clip, two pieces of gum, and a toaster you would believe them. Technology was magic back then.


Of course, the part of MacGyver’s hair was played by two actual ferrets.

For all we knew the only difference between a toaster and a nuclear reactor WAS a piece of gum. This however is 2016. Every third video on my Facebook page is some moron telling me how to make a lampshade out of an old computer and a t-shirt. Everyone can be MacGyver. Everyone with the patience to sit through YouTube ads.

There you have it guys, have a great week, and check in Friday when I preview the movies of June!!

Well hey Internet, sorry for the brief delay in posting yesterday (i.e. I didn’t) but here we are today, facing a new day… today. Specifically. Anyway, let’s just make with the headlines shall we ?

Weekly Headlines 3-2-2016

High School Musical 4 is officially happening guys. This is it. It’s the end.


And you thought Trump was gonna destroy America!… Politics!!!


In positive news, there’s a new Finding Dory trailer, and that looks great. A whole new generation of children can watch this movie hundreds of times and force their parents to buy them fish and then watch those fish slowly die, sad deaths. Thanks, Disney.

Leanardo DeCaprio finally won his Oscar award. A huge testament to rich, beautiful people everywhere, that if they really stick to their guns, make lots of money, and date super models, they too can win tiny golden statues and have everyone applaud them for it. Seriously though: congrats Leo. Way to not let that bear keep you down.


He overcame so much!!… I guess.


Gods of Egypt was released this week. And it was exactly bad as we all thought it inevitably would be. Cause nothing says bad movie quite like a Scottish guy and aGgreek guy playing Egyptian guys in a movie released in February.

Meanwhile, Deadpool continues to reign mightily oe’r the box office, but lurking in the shadows like an adorably animated death Puma, is Disney’s Zootopia coming out this weekend. A movie that not only ticks all the “great kids movie” boxes but also currently sits at 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. So enjoy this last week on your throne Deadpool, the children are coming!!!

Mad Max: Fury Road won 6 Academy Awards Sunday, making it the first movie to ever win academy awards while featuring a blind man, playing a flaming guitar, on top of a truck filled with speakers. I didn’t research that stat at all but… it feels pretty safe.


6 Oscars everone… 6.


Terrence Malick’s new film “Knight of Cups” comes out this weekend, all we really know about it right now is it’s gonna be REAL weird, and star Christian Bale.

Also being released this week: London Has Fallen, A movie starring a Scottish guy, pretending to be American, defending Britain. Yeah… we’re sorry Britain, this one got away from us. Please don’t stop sending us Sherlock just cause we did this to you.

Hit show Downton Abbey is about to air its final episode next week. Expert predictors have said: Something British will happen, and have confirmed that Mary married arguably the least interesting race car driver, to ever drive a race car.


He’s sponsored by Z-Quil, Nyquil, and the Sheep Counting Federation.


In sports news: Spring Training has started, and me and all my nerdy baseball friends, excitedly gathered in our basements and started comparing stat sheets.

In other Oscar news Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu won the award for ‘Most Likely Person to Have Made Up Their Name.’ And Inside Out won for ‘Best Animated Feature’ and ‘Feature You Definitely Cried At.’

And there you have it guys! Check back in tomorrow for more Thoughts, more words, and more… basically of me… sayin’ stuff.

Okay guys… I’m back. Sorry for my absence, the times were trying, the brain cells were dying, and the babies were crying… I mean not my babies. But someone had a baby… and presumably it cried. Cause I’m pretty sure that’s what they do like… 90 percent of the time. But anyway: I’m back. And ready to break down some super bowl trailers.

But first… an important public service message. Guys, I tried to watch Grease: 3 times. And I never made it… I learned that I hate teenagers in the 50’s. I learned that high school is the worst place ever. I learned that “Grease is the word…” Whatever that means.  I’m sorry, I’ve let you all down. I’ve dropped the ball. And I’m sorry. But I can’t watch Grease. I am physically incapable.

But on to movies I do care about!!

Independence Day: Resurgence

Okay two things: 1. I have only watched the original Independence Day once. And I was not super impressed. And yet fact 2: I’m weirdly excited for this movie. It looks great, what was the last really good “Aliens Invade Earth” movie?? The Avengers?? And that only barely counts, because it was a movie about the Avengers, and only a tiny bit about the invasion. I’m all in for this, Jeff Goldbloom looks great, the Alien spaceship looks huge, sign me up. I’m all down for that action.

Gods of Egypt

Yeah… I’m out. Sorry guys, it was fun pretending this movie might be okay. But I’m out. The weird lines, the tired sounding story, both the lead characters looking like they’re mostly asleep during their lines. At best, we’re looking at an ‘okay’ movie, but it will not be okay. It will be bad. Thanks for trying Gods of Egypt, but move along folks. Nothing to see here.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Out of the Shadows

And speaking of nothing to see here… No, look. Let’s take a second and give Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the teensiest, tinesiest, bit of credit… it’s a kid movie. There. I did it. Of course, it’s gonna be kind of dumb, and immature and not make a ton of sense, we got spoiled by comic movies being primarily aimed at young adults and I think we expected the same from TMNT but (in their defense) they made a kids movie. I’m not saying it was a great kids movie, nay not even a good kids movie. But it was a kids movie, I’m gonna find something else to make fun of.

The Secret Life of Pets

This looks… fine. Given a choice between this and the Zootopia movie coming out later this year, I’m going Zootopia all the way. This looks like a movie with decent trailers that used up all its truly funny content in said trailers. I’m not saying it’ll be bad, but it won’t be great.

Captain America Civil War

Everything I watch from this movie makes me more and more excited to see it. The cast looks great, the storyline looks really solid, it’s not giving away too much/the entire plot *cough* BatmanVSuperman *cough.* I honestly don’t have much more than that to say… looks great… excited to see it. I will say, I hope we don’t see too much more from this movie. I’m good, thanks Marvel. I may go out of my way NOT to watch anything else from this movie, it looks really good, but I don’t want to know anymore. Make it stop.

X-men: Apocalypse 

Yeah… still have no idea what this movie is gonna be. Giant purple man, punching people. Still not convinced Jean Grey can talk with an American accent for a whole movie… hate that man with the angel wings though. Real weird that he’s got wings and then umm… that’s it. Like just wings. Given a choice of mutant powers wouldn’t you aim higher than ‘he can fly… cause wings.”

Jason Bourne

Look, I’m okay with Jason Bourne coming back… I mean the last James Bond movie was ‘meh’ and I guess there’s not really another good spy movie coming out next year… so whatever. Fine. Bring it on, Jason, let’s see what happens. Punch some people, stab a dude with a pen, seemed to work pretty well last time.

10 Cloverfield Lane 

Well… no idea what this is about. Not sure I care. Got real tired of the original cause the camera was shaking and I couldn’t see anything cause whoever did the camera work was some rank amateur. Like the guy had no idea what he was doing, and I somehow was still expected to pay full price?? I think not.

I mean this looks fine, and nothing like the original Cloverfield, and John Goodman is a crazy man in a bunker. So what’s not to like?

The Jungle Book

Okay so this was really the only full trailer out there on this list and it was pretty good I guess. This will be a very interesting looking movie. The voice cast will be great, the story will be solid. I don’t know that it will be awesome. I’m not sure that the little underwear boy there can act, and while the voice work is great I find the whole animals mouth moving thing… unsettling. Maybe it’ll be fine over the course of the movie, maybe it’ll be a fun trip to the uncanny valley. We’ll just have to see what happens. Still though, I appreciate the full trailer, and not just a 30 second thing that doesn’t tell me anything.

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

So… this was real weird. Why does Turkish airlines fly to a city in mythological America?? And hey, I watched the Dark Knight Rises. I am NOT going to Gotham. Does Turkish Airlines serve Turkish delight??? Cause they should. Oh yeah, I should talk about what they showed from the new movie in this!! Oh, wait that was nothing. You think Zach Snyder heard all the backlash from that time he released the movies entire plot and thought to himself ‘Fine, not only will my next trailer show NOTHING about the movie but I will also use it as a not even thinly veiled money grab! Take THAT, Internet.’

Hope this other trailer is more informative.

Oh wait no, it was pretty much exactly the same. Well… this all ended on a downer didn’t it??

And there you go guys, the Super Bowl Trailers… which was really just one trailer and a bunch of 30 second clips that didn’t show anything. So yay… I guess? Anyway, check back in tomorrow for my first movie review of 2016!! Wherein I review the Cohen brother new movie: Hail Caesar.


Well hey Internet, and welcome to what is quite possibly the last of my annual, new years, positifcation postings. That special time of year where we look at January and February (Jefbruary) and all remember how much Hollywood hates us.

That’s right gang, Hollywood is taking a few months off, and leaving us with our weird, drunk Aunt Kathy as a babysitter. The Oscar bait has been baited, the big blockbusters are done, and now all that’s left for movie studios to do is put out all their worst crappiest crap, and hope we will go to theaters purely for the central heating, and popcorn.

This is (sadly) very affective.

Every year at this time it’s a tradition for me to warn people to please NOT go to movie theaters, it’s also a tradition for me to find one movie to believe in that will inevitably let me down, crush my spirit, and leave me wondering what the point of life and skittles is.

Admittedly, it’s not a great tradition.

But why reflect on the pointlessness of traditions, when we can just go right on traditioning????

Jefbruary Extravaganza 2016

Okay so, we’re about midway through January at this point and things are already rapidly spiraling downhill. Last weeks number 1 movie at the box office for instance was Ride Along 2, a movie that not only has achieved a dismal 13% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, but has also been called the cinematic equivalent of being slapped in the face with a rotting elk. So things are going about as well as you’d expect. Also: 13 hours came out and was a movie by Michael Bay that wasn’t that great (shocker) and something called ‘Norm of the North’ a movie so bad it achieved a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

“But wait, you say with a twinkle in your eye, surely it can’t be all bad, right?? Surely, it can’t be all bad, Magic Man?!”

“Well kid, it mostly is. Now, stop eye twinkling, and don’t call me Surely!!!”

And that about sums up Jefbruary.

January 22nd

Dirty Grandpa comes out this weekend. The good news is: you’ve seen this movie before. So no need to waste all that valuable time you have, watching it again. A guy and his grandpa take a trip and the grandpa really knows how to live and does a lot of shocking, raunchy things that Grandparents probably shouldn’t do. Yay.

Also, the 5th Wave comes out, that latest entry of “You like the Hunger Games, right???” Movie Genre wherein a young heroin fights some sort of system (Alien System in this case) and finds a hunky chiseled stranger to love, and a child to protect, and at some point someone probably puts her down cause she’s ‘just some old girl.’ Thanks 5th Wave, but we’ve been to this party before.


“Don’t look over there little guy. That’s just Katness from that other, vastly superior movie.” 

January 29th

Okay so there are three movies this weekend that MIGHT, be good. Maybe.

The Finest Hours – Disney is a very smart company. They own all the money, they should be pretty smart. So surely if Finest Hours was actually good they would have released some time when people we’re actually going to movie theaters, right? My guess is this’ll be fine. It won’t be terrible but it won’t be overly exciting, and you’ve probably seen the one or two action scenes in the trailer already. They’ll be a lot of talking about courage, and bravery, and how the ocean is like a bear and if you respect it it’ll take care of you but if you take it for granted it will bury you in the woods and stomp on your face, and tell you it will go to prom with you but then actually go with Tommy Halkins from chemistry class just because Tommy has a nice car and a rich dad.

Danged Ocean.

Also we have Jane Got a Gun a movie that sounds like a great idea, until you realize it’s been in development for like… five years, has had roughly eight casting changes, and the trailer looks REALLY bad. Like real bad. I like Natalie Portman at times, and Ewan McGregor all the time but… this is probably gonna suck.



Don’t get me wrong, if one bad movie is what it takes to get Ewan McGregor in that mustache, it was totally worth it. 

Kung Fu Panda 3… is a thing. This’ll be fine. Your kids will like it because it’s a Panda and he’s fat and then there are other pandas who will also probably be fat. Look, these are dine movies, there’s nothing terrible about them. But as has been my theme thus far: You’ve seen this movie before… twice really

February 5th

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies will (also after many years of development) be coming to screens and honestly… it’ll probably be entertaining. Look, if you liked Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter or any other sort of “Hey guys, it’s that thing you like/know about, but I put some ZOMBIES in it” sort of genre, then you’ll like this. The script will be meh, the plot won’t make any sense, but that’s not why you walked into the theatre in the first place is it??? You came to watch the cast of Pride and Prejudice kill some zombies, and that’s what you’ll get. It won’t be terrible, it won’t really be great, it will just sort of exist.

Okay so… I don’t know what to do with Hail Caesar, guys. I love the Cohen brothers, I love the cast of this movie, my only real question is… what is this doing here?? In Jefbruary??? Jefbruary is the skeleton filled closet of the film industry, it’s not where you release great movies, with awesome casts and good writing. It’s where you release (as a crazy example) Jupiter Ascending. I’m so confused, and afraid. Did something weird happen and like Jonah Hill finally just went insane and ran through every shot buck naked??? (Cause that will happen one day.) I’m very excited for this movie and VERY confused about my excitement… it’s like if the Groundhog from groundhog day suddenly got super excited and popped up January 10th passing out free Easter eggs, and setting off 4th of July fireworks. Nothing about this makes sense!


That’s right buddy, you get George Clooney out of Jefbruary fast!! 

February 12th

Now see, Deadpool, is the perfect example of a Jefbruary movie I’m interested in. Cause it could be great, but if it’s not great it will be TERRIBLE. Sure the trailers have been funny, but it’s easy to make a good trailer (cut to Micah glaring at Zach Snyder.) It’s hard to make a full length movie though, based around Deadpool’s sort of self-aware, referential humor. It’s REALLY hard. And if you don’t do it successfully, you will fail miserably. Making Deadpool is like making a youtube video of someone tightrope walking over a live volcano: if it works you will be awesome. If it doesn’t, you’ll be a slurpy.

Zoolander 2 comes out so… I mean, whatever. It’ll be fine. I don’t care at all, but there are certainly worse movies being made this year. Let Ben Stiller do his thing, he seems like a nice enough guy who hasn’t completely Adam-Sandlered himself yet. Go for it, Ben.

February 26th

Gods of Egypt is another perfect Jefbruary movie. It seems like each Jefbruary we get a vaguely supernatural/historical sci-fi movie that looks interesting and action packed, but inevitably is terrible and generic. So I’m already out on this. I’ve been burned by too many I Frankensteins and Wrath of the Titans.’ I’m sure it will have some cool fights and that Gerard Butler will be a real shouty/hairy person but… I’m just earmarking this as a “Watch on Netflix in about 8 months” movie and moving on with my bad self.


What do you mean you don’t think they had cybernetic rob-dogs in ancient Egypt?? 

So there you go guys, the sad dreary sadness that is Jefbruary. Buckle up, believe in the Cohen brothers, and maybe we’ll make it through this thing, and get to March: when the real movies come out.