Posts Tagged ‘Frozen’

Well hey there interfriends and welcome to another interday here on the internet… yeah I’m never typing that again. It sounded like a good idea in my head though and I feel like if I’ve learned anything from the past two years running this site it’s that if something sounds good in my head I should probably write it down and then be too lazy to erase it. Regardless of that though, here we stand on the sunny  plateau of another weekend and I feel like now is the perfect time to go ahead and take a look back at this last week’s box office and see what we can glean from its mean green numbers machine!

 10. Winter’s Tale 

Slipping in at number 10 like the last oozy drop out of a used fry pan we have: Winter’s Tale. A movie that actually looked mildly interesting in its trailers “Winter’s Tale” is nothing if not a script that was hilariously inadequate to the book it is based on.  The visuals are nice and the overall story is sweeping but like a piñata filled with empty candy wrappers and prescription anti-depressents there’s just not much going on inside the characters here.

9. Endless Love

Speaking of movies with not a lot going  on here’s a mindless love story that chose to advertise itself by making the main character say “I know I’m not good enough for you, but I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving that I am.” In all the trailers. You realize that in one way or another you’re saying that your main character is an idiot right? I mean if I said to you “I know I can’t get an “A” in Miss Haberdashers “Baking with Bare Bear Beards” class but I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying.” Either A: I’m going to waste the rest of my life trying to do something I can’t do and thus probably end hating my existence, myself, and that class. Or B: I will get an A in the class and thus be wrong about my supposed “unable to get an A” status. Now, I’m not saying the line is the worst line ever, I’m just saying I feel like that’s not exactly the line I would try and convince people to come and see my movie with. I mean if the best line from your movie is one that makes your lead character sound like an idiot, what are the rest of your lines like? Why should I come watch your movie if the TRAILER for your movie is poorly written, non-sensical, brain-dribble? The answer: I should not.

I know that I'm not good enough for you. But I promise to spend the rest of my life trying to prove myself wrong and make you right-- wait... I mean I know I'm not good enough for you but you need to spend the rest of my life trying to prove you wrong... right?

“I know that I’m not good enough for you. But I promise to spend the rest of my life trying to prove myself wrong and make you right– wait… I mean I know I’m not good enough for you but you need to spend the rest of my life trying to prove you wrong… right?”

8. Frozen

Yup, 14 weeks from its release and Frozen is still in the top ten!! Ya know what the next longest release time in the top ten is? That would be 6 weeks. Not only is Frozen still doing well in theaters but it just came out on DVD. If a movie stays in the top ten five weeks the makers of it throw a huge party and ride around on their desk chairs wearing football helmets and drinking Yoohoo from the bottle. At 14 weeks I’m fairly sure the makers of Frozen are locked in their offices, laying under their desks in a fetal position, and humming happily to themselves. I’d say something witty about Disney taking over the world here but the time for joking about that is past. The time for cozying up to them in the hopes of being allowed to live in Disney’s Magical New World Order? That time is now.

7. Ride Along

A comedy about a guy and another guy in a police car, this is the movie that’s been around 6 weeks and while it hasn’t gotten super good reviews it’s still around so I’m assuming there’s something redeemable here. It’s also the only straight comedy on this list so if you’re in the mood for that this is pretty much your only hope….  Obi-Wan Kenobi (sorry, it couldn’t be helped.)

6.  About Last Night

I have no idea what this movie is about, other then (I assume) last night… hang on. “A modern reimagining of the classic romantic comedy, this contemporary version closely follows new love for two couples as they journey from the bar to the bedroom and are eventually put to the test in the real world.” There. Summery=done. That said nothing gets me as excited as the phrase “re-imagining of the classic romantic comedy” so I will (with all due respect) stop caring at all about this movie… now.

5. The Monuments Men

George Clooney’s latest venture into ensemble movies, Monuments Men seemed to have a lot going for it. Great cast, interesting storyline, and who doesn’t like a chance to root against Nazi’s? That said the story and overall pretentiousness of Monuments Men bogs down it’s stellar cast and while it’s by no means a terrible movie it certainly doesn’t live up to the lofty expectations set by George Clooney’s mustache.

George Clooney's mustache is always watching you. Always.

George Clooney’s mustache is always watching you. Always.

4. RoboCop

Hey look everyone, it’s a remake no one asked for or wanted!! Yay… RoboCop has met with almost universal indifference from reviewers and as such I haven’t bothered to go watch it yet. I’ll probably watch it in a few months when it comes out on DVD and I’m driving by a Redbox thinking “Meh… I’ve got a couple hours to drone away and could stand to watch a Robot-man shoot things” but with all due respect to the makers of this film (the amount of due respect being roughly equivalent to the amount of respect I have for… a dandelion) I am not paying you ten dollars to watch a movie I have already seen with slightly better visuals and a less dorky looking suit.

3. Pompeii

Like Titanic but with more loin clothes, Pompeii dares to tell you a story about a bunch of people who are going to die horribly! There’s some sort of Gladiator and Princess love story that goes down in here but frankly there’s not much to this movie other than a chance to watch stuff get hit by lava. And that, fair friends, is what the discovery channel is for.

2. 3 Days to Kill

Tee-hee… Kevin Costner as a spy. As hard a time as I have taking Costner seriously playing an action hero… or really at all. The reviews I have read have mostly said that the action in this movie is pretty good. Granted the rest of the movie is about as stale and uninviting as four week old bread sitting on the back of a hungry hippo but hey: action sequences!! There’s some weird thing with Costner and Costner’s daughter that goes on in here but frankly my care-o-meter has already dropped through the floor and is bouncing carelessly through the streets behind me so I’m just gonna stop thinking about this movie.

1. The Lego Movie

Celebrating its 3rd week at the top of the box office and a whopping 96 percent approval rating on,  The Lego Movie continues to make critics make weird references to “Everything Being Awesome,” for some reason. No, I have not seen this yet but before you start judging me and my journalistic integrity there are two things you should know. First off: I have no journalistic integrity. Secondly: I actually really have wanted to. Unfortuinately, I currently have all the free time of a black hole busily sucking up the solar system, and (far more importantly) it’s taken me a long time to talk my wife into watching the movie with me. This is because my wife is a mature adult and I have all the maturity and fore thinking of a six year old… mollusk. But because she is, she is, the one who lays close to me (it’s a song… I promise) and in a huge display of how much she loves me, we will be watching the movie this weekend… maybe (once again the business thing.)  So hopefully I’ll be reviewing this movie next week!!

And with that we drop the curtain on this particular blog. Thanks for reading everyone have a good weekend and I’ll catch ya on the flip side!


Posted: January 27, 2014 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , ,

Ah Monday. A day like any other day, but millions of times worse. And today, on this day, and in this hour we must turn to ourselves and look deep into our own eyes as we ask ourselves the big, important questions of life. We must ask ourselves: will Micah actually review Frozen like he said he would? And for the answer to that question we must look no further than the bold font that can be found on the line below.

Micah Reviews: Frozen

A long line of wonderful Disney movies stands behind Frozen, staring at it in mild disapproval and wondering if it will live up to the lofty steps of its foremovies. Can Frozen join the pantheon of Disney sweetness? Or will it fall through the ice and never be heard from again? (editor’s note: I cut out all Micah’s ice puns except for this one. He threatened to quit and right now him and the four year old girl in charge of punctuating his sentences are the only employees here so… yeah. )

The Plot:

In the magical kingdom of…  Kingdom. Two happy daughters love playing in the snow. One of them can actually create snow and (in addition to that) chill drinks to their ideal temperatures!! Unfortunately Elsa accidentally chills her sister’s brain (like drinking a HUGE slushy, mixed with ice cream, made by the abominable snowman. It’s the worst brain freeze ever!!) and so begins a lifelong struggle to contain her epic snow powers in the interest of her sister, her country, and her love of beach volleyball.

Years later, through events to plot sensitive to get into, Elsa flees the kingdom leaving her little sister Anna to desperately seek out her lost sister with the help of a burly ice-cube maker, a very horse-like moose, and a magical snowman who comes to life for reasons that are never fully explained.

So, can these sisters overcome the obstacles set before them and unite the kingdom? Can super loosely defined super powers with no defined limits crash an otherwise solid movie? Will Olaf the Snowman enter the exclusive “randomly hilarious sidekicks” club? Only time will tell.

If you've seen Frozen, you're laughing now.

If you’ve seen Frozen, you’re laughing now.

The Pros:

It’s a very different sort of plot in this movie. The emphasis is less on a traditional “villain vs. hero” role and more on the relationship between Anna and Elsa. It keeps the movie from having a huge pull with the audience but the sisters have enough steady chemistry that you care about what happens and stay engaged. It works surprisingly well honestly, and while it’s not something that is gonna work for all movies from here on out, it’s a very nice change of pace and a cool idea.

As usual with a Disney film the music here is very catchy and nicely pulls you from one big moment to another. I wasn’t a huge fan of the “Love is an Open Door” song but then again I’m a 26 year old male watching a Disney kids movie so I don’t think Disney really cares what I think at all. They’re just laughing at me as they tuck my money safely into their doomsday vault.

Character relations are very very well done here. Lacking the traditional villain it would be easy for a movie like this to become dull but Disney mixes in a very nice blend of humor, heatwarmth, and… hair? Which keeps you interested in the actual characters themselves and not just what bad things are going to happen to them.

The negatrons:

Honestly there’s not really a ton to put here. One thing that bothered me a little bit was the fact that Elsa seems to have NO limit to her powers. I mean she builds an ice castle in like three minutes and doesn’t seem even vaguely tired. She accidentally creates a magical LIVING snowman for crying out loud. That’s right she accidentally created life. Despite that though a group of about ten people successfully assail her castle. I mean if I had UNLIMITED ice powers I feel I could overcome two assassins armed with crossbows and a falling chandelier. I’m not gonna stand here and say Disney needs to write out a list of Elsa’s powers but at least having her look vaguely winded after she gives life to a massive snow golem might have helped the believability of later events.

"But how will I stop this attack? All I have is the ability to create life and virtually limitless ice-powers!"

“But how will I stop this attack? All I have is the ability to create life and virtually limitless ice-powers!”

In Conclusion:

Frozen is an interesting entry into the Disney Pantheon. It’s not one-hundred percent hilarious, the fights aren’t epic (or really there at all) and the music (while very good) isn’t gonna be way up in the Disney songs of epicness listings. Frozen doesn’t do anything brilliantly but what it does do is a little bit everything very very well. It’s just a solid movie with a great plot, interesting characters, and bueatiful animation. You won’t remember it for that one awesome thing but you’ll remember it for the complete package that it is and for that reason I give it a hearty 4 out of a hearty 5.

Thanks for reading everyone! Come on back Thursday as I make the aforementioned “randomly hilarious Disney sidekick” list!! No, seriously. I will.

Happy Monday everybody! So tonight I’m going to watch Monsters University and I’ll post that review upon this very Thursday! In the mean time here are some weakly headlines as I try and continue to keep you informed about how much I love sarcasm!

In our lead story today, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian had a baby!!! The roughly 4.5 Billion women who also gave birth that day were unavailable for comment but in the words of legendary child birth giver Mildred Mildredton “What is the big berry bump-alicious deal?”

In other news Monster University opened at number 1 this week continuing Pixars  incredible record of never making a movie that did not open at number 1. When asked for a comment the executives of Disney (who own Pixar, Marvel, and all the money in the world) laughed maniacally and said something about “today the cinema tomorrow the galaxy!!!”

The world of sports recently crowned a new NBA champion as the Miami Heat won the championship game over the San Antonio Spurs. In other, equally surprising news the sun rose, the tides rolled, and Justin Bieber continued to be super annoying.

Walt Disney released the first trailer for their next animated movie “Frozen.” It looked adorable except for the fact that a snowman loses its nose and then proceeds to “hilariously” decapitate itself in the pursuit of it. What’s next Disney? Hannah Montana taking her own arm off and beating the cast of iCarly with it?? Wait…. Yeah do that Disney. Do that.

Also opening this week, was World War Z a movie featuring Brad Pitt courageously fighting off a horrible infestation of rabid Glee fans. … I mean Zombies. Yeah… zombies. Though I’d pay to see that other thing too.

Empire Magazine recently released their “The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug” cover for their magazine. The cover features “Awesome Legolas” “Arwen’s slightly hotter sister” and “Legolas’s stupid looking father, who is unaware that he has a tree actively growing out of his head.”

"Wait-- does this crown makes my head look big?"

“Wait– does this crown makes my head look big?”

Kevin Costner recently practiced with the Cleveland Indians baseball team. Costner (roughly 60 years old) was later signed by the Indians to play first base. Manager Terry Francona was quoted as saying “Yeah, we were gonna just stick a bag of flour with an Indians hat on it and say that was our guy but Kevin’s a drastic improvement on that one.”

“Summer shows” are now airing on TV which means we can all look forward to new episodes of “Pretty Little Liars” “Rookie Blue” and “Let’s see what’s on Netflix.”

And finally in gaming news Microsoft came out and said “You remember all that stuff we said about our new console the Xbox one? How we said that it was going to have to always be on, and be connected to the internet, and how you wouldn’t be able to share games, or buy used games, or (potentially) actually play any games at all? Well… we were totally joking!! Of course you can do all those things! Of course it will be fun! No for real… where are you all going? No don’t look at the cheaper, drastically more user friendly PS4, I promise we’ve changed!!!!” Unconfirmed reports have the Microsoft rep sitting quietly in the corner after that listening to his “break up mix.”