Posts Tagged ‘Footloose’

Hey everyone, well it’s time for another Monday posting and as I stood and looked out at my vast internet kingdom, I thought to myself. “Self, every rose has its thorn. Just like every night has its dawn. Just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song.” And when I was done quoting the lyrics to old songs by oddly named rock groups, I decided to sit down and right another post about Redbox! Not because I’ve been way too busy to watch any new movies lately, but because I believe that all men, women, and various mutant lizard type things who might read this in the future “Giant Lizard Society of Indonesia” deserve to be free from the tyranny of bad movies! So read on denizens of the interweb. And be free.

Jack and Jill-

Look at this picture and tell me this won't be a terrible movie? Yeah... I didn't think so.

Have I seen it- Nope.

Will I- Nope.

I would like to officially submit to the world that Adam Sandler is no longer funny. Officially submitted. Let me just describe to you the main plot point of this movie: Adam Sandler has a twin sister also played by Adam Sandler. There are certain movie script ideas that sit at the bottom of the “Comedians Who Have Run Out of Original Ideas” trash can, and this is the one at the bottom. In fact this is the idea that is stuck to the bottom with the chewing gum of other less funny people. In fact, this is the idea stuck to the bottom and used as waste paper for the pigeons of other less funny, homeless people. And yet somehow Adam Sandler still thought this was a good idea. If you value your brain, you will not watch Jack and Jill.

 Grimm’s Snow White-

Okay is it just me or does it look like someone photoshopped Alice from "Alice in Wonderland" into the front of this picture?

Have I Seen It- Nope

Will I- Maybe… for comedy purposes.

I love it when this happens. For those of you who don’t know there are two movies this summer that are “live action spins on Snow White… and things”.  One of them (Mirror Mirror) looks like it was designed, written, and acted by dyslexic dolphins. And the other one looks pretty cool and has Chris Awesome Hemsworth in it. Anyway this movie is neither of those movies but is hoping that when you go to Redbox you’ll think “Oh I heard about that movie. It looked decent.” And rent it, hoping to watch Chris Hemworth hack at things with axes.

I feel like this picture is all the proof I need that Mirror Mirror will be a horrible movie.

Anyway by all accounts this movie looks terrible, is terrible, and will continue to be terrible but I might rent it just cause I want to sit and make fun of it in a gregarious sort of way.

Footloose-

Tune in for the thrilling sequel to Footloose, Carloose!!

Have I seen it- Nope.

Will I- Probably not.

By all accounts this was a movie that wasn’t as terrible as its premise sounds. Then again when your premise is “A small town where dancing is illegal is changed forever by the arrival of a rebellious dancing guy and a preachers daughter” really the only place to go is up. Regardless of all that though, supposedly the movie wasn’t terrible. But, then again… again, if someone came up to me and said: “Hey I made this crème bule out of the corpse of my pet Komodo Dragon, Herbert the Conqueror, and it’s not terrible.” I wouldn’t exactly be standing in line with my plate held anxiously afore me. Frankly there are a lot of “not terrible” movies that I would rather watch. For instance…

Hugo

I feel like the whole "Hanging perilously from a clock" thing has officially been overdone. Sort of like horror movies have overdone "decapitated statue of liberty." Thus I propose a new craze "hanging perilously from the decapitated statue of liberty."

Have I Seen It- No.

Will I- Maybe Probably…

There are two distinct groups where Hugo is concerned there’s the “yeah, I really liked it” group who are mostly people who watch a lot of movies and are generally intelligent and slightly pretentious. And then there’s the “Yeah it looked kinda cool but I never really understood what was going on.” These are generally people who weren’t paying attention or came to the theater waiting for something to get blown up. On the whole I would generally recommend Hugo, which (for those of you who haven’t heard) is sort of a shout out to classic films and filmmakers. I haven’t watched it yet (obviously) but I plan to and will probably have more to say on its relative pretentiousness when I’m done.

There Be Dragons-

Probably the greatest waste of the word "dragon" in modern film history.

Have I Seen It- No.

Will I- Definitely not.

You know what this movie is about? Two friends in the Spanish Revolution who wind up on opposite sides of the conflict. You know what this movie isn’t about?? DRAGONS!!! You can’t just tack dragons onto the end of your movie to make people watch it! That’s like misrepresenting the entire proud dragon race!! Dragonheart had a dragon in it! How to Train Your Dragon, Dragon Crusades, Puff the Magic etc. you know what all of those movies have in common?? Actual Dragons!!! I mean at least “Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” told us that the only dragons we would be getting would be in tattoo form. And don’t try and tell me you somehow snuck a dragon into pre-World War 2 Spain, Movie. I am officially not watching this purely out of principle. The only time I can remember being this disappointed in a movie title was when I realized that Remember the Titans was really just a touching story of football and racism in the South and not about a football team comprised of mythological greek gods… which is actually a great idea for a movie… umm… Copyright that idea…

Well I hope you all have a great Monday. Check back in here on Thursday for (possibly) another live blog movie… thing depending on if I can snag a few free hours and a copy of Grimm’s Snow White. I’m gonna go write a movie pitch for that football idea now… I’m thinking of calling it “First and Titan”…

Well as another month comes to a close, I am tired. So this article will probably make even less sense than our normal ones. And that my friends, is saying a lot. Regardless of all that though, I figured that with the start of the month and the first few whispers of fall billowing in on the breeze, now was a good time to pull out some trailers and unfairly judge the movies that they represent. Yup, no research, no forethought just me being sarcastic and mean towards things that may or may not actually deserve it… so kind of like what we always do.

Apollo 18: According to this trailer “there’s a reason we’ve never gone back to the moon!” My answer is “of course there was. We decided to stop wasting money trying to get to what turned out to be a big chunk of rock floating around above us. I mean if it had been made of cheese or if there had been a man inside of it, cows jumping over it, or cats playing a fiddle, or whatever, I say sure why not but once we figured out the moon was at it’s most interesting ‘a bit dusty.’ It sort of lost my interest.” According to this movie though the reason we didn’t go back is cause something started hunting down our astronauts like Hollywood keeps hunting for ways to make more vaguely historic horror movies. Also, I can’t help but shake the feeling that these people watched the first five minutes of Transformers 3 (the scene with the moon landing) and decided to just make that into a whole movie except instead of Transformers they would find some horrible alien thingy. This seems like a really dumb idea for a movie that’s partially ripping off another movie that wasn’t that good in the first place.

Cause nothing says scary like a screamy astronaut.

Excitement rating: 1 out of 5.

I Don’t Know How She Does It: Hey look! It’s a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker playing a corporate woman trying to juggle having a family and a job, with hilarious consequences. Hey look! This movie sounds a lot like about a jillion other movies! Sarah Jessica Parker (in addition to having a name that takes forever to type) is desperately clinging to the idea that people like her and will come out to see a movie just cause she’s in it. Oh Sarah… if only you knew

Excitement rating: 0 out of 5. Yup. 0.

The Lion King 3D: (*staring in disbelief*) Really Disney? Really? Look it’s a great movie. But 3D? I barely see the point of seeing NEW movies in 3D. Movies that are made with 3D in mind! I don’t even think there was a third dimension when the Lion King came out. Like I’m pretty sure we were all just pencil sketches wandering around a brightly colored world full of whimsical awesome… or that may just have been me after I ate that box of Crayola’s. Regardless, the only way Disney could more blatantly try and steal my money would be openly pick pocketing me or making a totally unnecessary sequel to Mulan that didn’t have Eddie Murphy in it… oh wait…

Excitement rating: 0 out of 5.

Abduction: (The movie pitch for abduction)

Movie Guy A: “Okay guys. So we’ve got Taylor Lautner that guy from Twilight that every teenage girl inAmericahas a poster of.”

Movie Guy B: “Yeah.”

Movie Guy A: “And we’ll make a movie with him called Abduction!”

Movie Guy B: “Okay.”

Movie Guy A: “And… that’s all I got.”

Movie Guy B: “It sounds awesome!!”

Movie Guy A: Yay!! Let’s go eat Crayola’s.

This movie looks really dumb and seems to be going out of its way to be horrendously cliché. I scoff at it. *Scoff*

Excitement rating of 0 out of 5. Man… this looks to be a really slow month for good movies.

The Dream House: A genuinely horrifying looking movie starring Danielle Craig as someone who may or may not be in prison, be a murderer, have a dead family, have an alive family, be alive, or be James Bond. An interesting looking movie that might actually lure me into watching it by virtue of Mr. Craig and the fact that I have absolutely no idea what the movie is about.

An excitement rating of 3 out of 5.

The Thing: Hey look it’s a remake! Those are always great ideas right? I mean who doesn’t love a movie based off another movie that we already know the plot of! Oh. Wait. No. That’s a terrible idea. HasHollywood really just straight up run out of ideas? Plus The Thing? Really? We couldn’t come up with a better name?

Movie Guy A: Hey look… this movie’s got a thing in it. We should call it that.

Movie Guy B: I feel we should get out more.

It’s not that the whole “arctic environment with an unknown monster” idea has been done a million times (though it has been) it’s just that nothing about this movie makes me think that it will even try to think outside the box. Even a little bit.

Hey look. A thing.

An excitement rating of 0 out of 5.

Real Steel: Finally a movie I am actually interested in! My girlfriend (let it be known) is more then a little skeptical about what she sees as just a movie about giant robots beating each other to a pulp (is that possible? Can robots become pulp? Maybe scrap is a better word for that one. I could go back and change it I suppose but… its way back there… I’d have to either hit back space about twenty times or reach all the way across the keyboard to the mouse and… man. Just thinking about that makes me want to take a nap.) Anyway I hope Real Steel will be more about the people and characters behind the robots rather then the actual robots who will serve only as very very cool distractions from what’s going on with the main character (Hugh Jackman). Of course Cassie very well might end up being right… I suppose only time will tell.

Excitement meter 4 out of 5.

Footloose: Hey! Look a remake. This trailer made me laugh hysterically for all the wrong reasons. First off the whole thing happens in a town where they have decided (due to some horrible accident) that dancing is illegal. Yup. Dancing. Four year old girl standing in the yard singing ring around the rosy? Capitol offender. Jail for life. The gavel will echo with the sound of your doom!!! Secondly the guy playing the main character (a rebellious out of town kid who believes true liberty is found in the gentle swaying of a swing dance) seems to have all the acting prowess of a damp steak. I realize the original Footloose was a great, ground breaking movie but apparentlyHollywood has decided that the ground isn’t quite broken enough and has decided to hammer away at it with a poorly acted sledgehammer. Saints preserve us.

Excitement meter 1 out of 5. (The one is simply cause this movie could reach the point where it’s so bad it is legitimately hilarious)

Yeah, pretty sure your time was the 80's there Nitro.

So wow not really a lot of movies I’m looking forward to in the next month and a half or so. Oh well. Looks like more retro-reviews for me.