Posts Tagged ‘Finding Dory’

Well hello Internet, and welcome to our 5th yes, FIFTH, annual Thoughts We Might Have Had Summer Movie Awards. The Awards show that rewards, excellence, creativity, and sharks. So let’s put on our finest outfits, toss back some alcohols, and get ready to remember all the good times, and try desperately to drink away the bad.

TWMHH: 2016 Summer Movie Awards

Biggest Goldblum Waste – Independence Day Resurgance

goldblum

Oh Jeff, we hardly knew ye.

 

I weirdly watched a LOT of Jeff Goldblum movies this summer. I marathoned the Jurassic Park movies with my wife, and then jumped straight into the original Independence Day and you know what I realized? Jeff Goldblum is actually pretty dang talented. He’s really good. Charming, funny, easy to root for, I don’t believe he hasn’t been in more things honestly, so, needless to say, I was really excited to see him back in his old Indpendence Day roll, and he did really well… except he wasn’t actually in it that much. In fact he was barely in it at all. What?!?! I say to you again: WHAAAATTTTTT?!?!?!?!? Not only did you make a mediocre movie that felt like an 80s movie (but in a very not good way) you didn’t use what was inarguably your best asset?? Such a bluming waste.

Best kids movie – Finding Dory

Oh look, it’s a Pixar movie. And it was the best one of the summer. This award is just getting boring at this point. It’s the Simone Biles of categories, you know who’s going to win before you even start. Finding Dory was a brilliantly put together, well cast movie, that was both great for kids, and taught some excellent lessens to kids and adults. I mean, the third act kind of stumbled a bit towards the end and it wasn’t in the same category as Inside Out but it was definitely a great movie, and easily the best kids movie of the summer.

Most unnecessary sequel – Teenage Mutants Ninja Turtles 2

Another great year for this depressing category. I mean the competition ranged from Now You See Me 2, to Ice Age Whatever the heck number it is, to The Purge 3 (for some reason), and even tread into comedy with Neighbors 2. Just so much sequelage. That no one asked for. But TMNT 2 easily took the prize this year not just because it itself was terrible, but because it was the sequel to universally disliked movie. I mean… why? Who gives these people money?? WHY do they give them money? It’s just… why?

Biggest Meh: Warcraft

A movie that was supposed to finally get the video game to movie transition right, and ended up just being just another movie that couldn’t reconcile itself with its own larger world. A movie that was weighed down by its own video game lore, and by the large accrued by its cast.

warcraft

For those of you wondering: yes, I have made that joke before.

 

Borringest name: Jason Bourne

“Who’s in this movie??”

“Jason Bourne.”

“Let’s just named it that.”

“Okay but… you see sir, we’ve named all the other movies with the whole ‘The Bourne: Something’ theme. Wouldn’t it be literally a million times easier for the audience, and more in line with the rest of the series if we carried on with that.”

“Nope. We’re calling it Jason Bourne.”

“Fine, but we’re gonna put more effort into the script and the story than we did the title right?”

“Sure… yeah… definitely.”

Most Unnecessary Caring: Ghostbusters

Look, I thought the backlash from this movie was stupid, unnecessary, and sad. I just wish it had been a better movie. It wasn’t a bad movie: it was fine. The cast made an unremarkable script better than it could have been, but they just didn’t have enough to work with. In the end I guess the good news is it seems even all the haters and internet types have moved on to something else and I’m sure they’ll find a way to ruin something else, but I just wish the movie had been great. But it was not.

Most Shark: The Shallows

The Shallows was a surprisingly good, very taught, well told movie. But the real shocker here is that somehow The Shallows stole the incredibly coveted (and not made up) Most Shark Award from Finding Dory. I mean… WHAT?!?!?!?!?

shark

Fish are friends, she’s food.

 

Most Abs: The Legend of Tarzan

You can say that this movie was unoriginal, unimaginative, and bland but you can’t say it didn’t have sweet sweet abs.

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I wasn’t gonna put a picture here, but I didn’t want to deal with the angry letters asking why I had turned down a chance to put ab to screen.

 

Least Surprises – X-men: Apocalypse

This movie even felt extremely unsurprised in this movie. The characters were characters we know just sort of… again. Magneto went on the same journey he’s gone on the last four movies, people had cool superpowers until it was convenient to the story for them not to have them, and Angel was a really stupid mutant with dumb powers.

angel

Look out he might… wing at you… or something.

 

Even Apocalypse himself just sort of walked around and stared at things and talked incessantly about exactly what he was going to do, just in case the audience wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to do. The whole thing was just… predictable.

Movie No One Cared About – Alice Through the Looking Glass.

Sigh. I just… Nah. I’m not talking about this.

Movie I Saw the Least – Nine Lives

9

The real question is: How did they get Kevin Spacey to be in this train wreck??

 

Look, movies where uppity businessmen get turned into something (animals, family members… Herbie??) and then reconnect with their families are nothing new. This one had the slight intrigue of featuring both Kevin Spacey and Christopher Walken, but in the end (to the great surprise of no one) it was the worst, clocking in at a whopping 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. And thusly: I did not see it.

Biggest Unpleasant Surprise – Suicide Squad

The got me again guys. I really thought DC was gonna put out a good movie… and they didn’t. It was real bad. Certain parts of it worked, specifically the cast who all did very good work, but the script and the editing just slaughtered what could have been a really good movie. I was talking to a friend yesterday about DC’s almost mystifying inability to create even a decent movie. Like not even “yeah that was pretty good.” Which they really should be able to do, they’ve got interesting characters, and can obviously attract talented actors, so why can’t they make a movie that hits even a medium level of goodness??? It really is just bizarre at this point.

Biggest Pleasant Surprise – Star Trek: Beyond

Look guys: I was real wrong on this one. For some reason I just couldn’t really get into Star Trek: Beyond, but honestly it was super fun. I really enjoyed it from start to finish and the final battle was easily one of the best pulled off ideas I’ve seen. It was fantastic. The cast was great, the script was good, and it just felt like the big, fun, summer movie we hadn’t really gotten since May. It’s still in most theaters so if you haven’t seen it yet I HIGHLY recommend it.

Movie of the Summer – Captain America: Civil War

Civil War

As if it could be anything else.

 

Yep, it was the first real summer movie, and it was the best. The story, the acting, the visuals, the fight scenes. It was all here. And it was all great. I mean how can you not appreciate a movie that not only, is yet another sterling entry (and an argument could be made that it’s the best entry) in the anti-DC fun times Marvelverse, but also saves Spiderman!! I mean come on!

So there you go guys, another year, another set of summer movie awards. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you Tuesday for another reader mailbag so submit your questions to thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com or in the comments below!

Well Internet, it finally happened. You did it. For years and years you asked and asked about Finding Nemo and why we didn’t have a sequel to Finding Nemo and why mom never got you a pony, and how string theory relates to the time-space continuum. Well… you got one of those things. Potentially two if mom broke down and got you a pony finally… the cheap skate.

Micah Reviews: Finding Dory

dory

Finding Dory: A movie about fish that doesn’t understand how fish work.

 

So after ten years of waiting, Disney has finally decided to make a sequel to Finding Nemo and has also decided to release it in a week where 7 of the top 10 movies at the box office are sequels, (and most of those sequels REALLY suck.) So will Finding Dory also give in to the Undertow of suckitude? Will it join Mulan 2, Cinderella 2, and Kronks New Groove in the ever lengthening list of Disney movies that should never have left the “Horrendous Sequel Ideas for Emergencies Only” pile? Let’s find out.

The Plot:

So it’s been a year since the events of Finding Nemo (apparently fish time and human time work on a decade to 1 ratio) and Dory, Nemo, and Marlin (who is a Clownfish) are living happily together in the ocean (somewhere.) Let’s talk real fast about how weird it is that ‘Marlin’ is named after a type of fish. I mean I’m not gonna name my child ‘human’ or some other weird type of human like ‘Kardashian’ or ‘Zombie’ or ‘HockeyFan’ or something. It’s just kinda weird.

Anyway, Dory remembers suddenly that she has a family and that her family lived somewhere else in the ocean as opposed to where she currently lives… which we don’t know. So she, Nemo, and Marlin embark on yet another epic trek across the ocean as they learn about families, forgiveness, and falafel… though less so that last one.

findingdory_disney_b330d055

“No guys, it’s a middle eastern food. He was making an alliteration joke… No, no it wasn’t that funny. But it’s okay cause now he’s doing this acknowledgement thing.” 

 

The Pros:

Finding Dory is a worthy successor to Finding Nemo. That’s about the highest praise I can give it, the world and the characters that you fell in love with lo those many years ago are all still here, and all still work very well together. The story and the script both work very well together and really do give an excellent and familiar feel to the world.

As with basically every Pixar film it looks great, the fish are (dare we say it) even fishier than before. What an achievement… I guess.

None of the pros above really surprised me (though they were very pro-ish.) I expected the movie to be good, and it really reall was. The thing that surprised me the most about this movie was that it really handled having Dory as the main character very well, and used it to say something important about people (and fish) with special needs. They didn’t just use her lack of memory as a tool for humor (which is basically what they did in the first movie) or have it come and go as was most convenient to the plot (something that happens all too often with this sort of thing) it was integral part of the story and Dory (and Dory’s family) came to learn and embrace something about it, and about themselves. It was handled incredibly well. There’s no joke here.

The Cons:

As strong as the script is for most of the film, the last twenty minutes or so just feel disconnected. There’s wacky hijinks with a truck and some otters and the whole thing just feels like a different (much worse) movie.

dory

Yeah, I used to do Shark Week but now it’s too mainstream, ya know? Too commercial.

 

Also: (and this is pretty classic adults critiqueing a kids movie) me nad my wife were both very disturbed at the fact that the makers of this movie in no way understand the difference between salt and freshwater fish. Over the course of the movie, multiple characters throw fish into all sorts of receptacles that definitely don’t contain salt water. Like that’s super bad for fish Disney. When little Jemma throws her prized saltwater fish into her little sippy cup it’s on you!! You, Disney!!

In Conclusion:

Finding Dory is a great movie, and very worthy follow up to Finding Nemo. It has a weak final act, but it’s a strong movie on the whole and has an incredible message for families.

I give it 4 Marlin named Clown Fish, out of 5.

So there you go guys, you waited ten years, and it was actually kind of mostly worth it. Who knew such things could happen. Oh wait, it was Disney, this is literally how Disney plans to take over the world.

Well hey Internet, and welcome to the new week, a week where no more will I write a thousand words about musicals for some reason, but rather proceed to (as I am accustomed to) make fun of a mediocre list of movies, currently sitting in theaters.

 

Box Office Top Ten 6/21/2016

10. Captain America: Civil War

So, if you somehow haven’t seen this movie yet: go see it. It’s in the top 3 best superhero movies ever and you could certainly make the case for it being THE best superhero movie ever. Go see it. Put down that pizza, drops your tickets to X-men: Apocalypse, go see Captain America.

9. Me Before You

A heavy handed, poorly scripted, confusingly messaged movie about paralysis and special needs… you should probably just not watch this. It’s just… it’s not good.

8. Alice Through the Looking Glass

alice-through-the-looking-glass-poster-alice

A movie that makes roughly as much sense as that outfit.

 

Oh yeah… we got some gems in this pile my friends. The sequel no one asked for, to a movie very few people cared about. And to no one’s great surprise the uninspired sequel to an uninspired movie is VERY uninspiring. It’s just people pointing cameras at actors in weird costumes and making them say vaguely whimsical things. Basically go out in your backyard and try and find a duck to follow around for a few minutes. It’s basically the same thing… good luck finding that duck though.

7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Something Something Turtles.

Hey look! It’s ANOTHER uninspired sequel to an uninspired original!! If Alice Thought The Looking Glass is uninspired than TMNT 2 is… unin-good-in-anyway. The only thing vaguely defensible one can say about this mess is that they at least aim for the kids in the audience and hit them squarely at their own intelligence level. And no, that was not a compliment.

6. X-men: Apocalypse

Hey look again!! It’s ANOTHER OTHER uninspired sequel. Granted, it’s at least a sequel to a decent movie, but as I said in my review last week: it’s mostly just a lazy, paint by numbers, movie that distinguishes itself only in the places where it’s terrible. Like eating a hot dog, Apocalypse doesn’t have anything crazy wrong with it, but there’s really nothing there at all to make it anything better than its base parts.

5. Warcraft

warcraft

Orc dentists, the richest things around.

 

Well at least this is mostly an original movie… I mean it’s based on a game but still… new movie concept anyway. That said: it’s not real good. It’s not real bad either… it’ just sort of around. Which makes it fairly awesome by video game standards but, in the end, it gets crushed under the weight of its own world, its own poor acting, and its own ‘meh’ script. It’s fine, which is good for a video game movie, but it’s not a good movie, which isn’t fine… or something.

4. Now You See Me 2

Oh. My. Grootness. It’s another uninspired sequel. The storm just keeps on stormin.’ (unlike Storm in X-men… who didn’t really Storm very much at all.) Now You See Me 2 isn’t the worst movie on this list, but it’s basically all flash no substance, granted the original was mostly flash anyway, but this is probably more of a rental than it is a theatre movie. It’s fun and inventive and the visuals are interesting but the stories basically just a means to an end here and it makes about as much sense as the ending of the first movie, which is to say: none sense.

3. The Conjuring 2

At least this is a semi-inspired sequel. If you’re into horror this is one of the few franchises still churning out palatable movies so… that’s something I guess. It’s not as good as the first one, but it’s still better than practically everything else going on in the horror genre right now so: hold me closer tiny dancer. I mean: r-e-s-p-e-c-t tell me what it means to me. This isn’t going well at all.

2. Central Intelligence

Central-Intelligence-poster

Turns out Dwayne Johnson is real big. Just in case you hadn’t noticed.

 

In a summer filled with terrifyingly bad comedies, Central Intelligence is a pretty decent one. It gets by mostly on the strength of its two leads (Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart) but the script is above average and the story on the whole is pretty good. It’s a real solid movie with decent laughs, and earnest leads who carry the movie to the finish.

1. Finding Dory

And guess what: it’s finally an inspired sequel! Finding Dory isn’t Finding Nemo but it’s pretty danged close. Brilliantly voiced, tightly scripted, and lovingly made Finding Dory makes up for its flaws by emphasizing it’s fantastic cast of well rounded, believable characters. Whether you are a kid, were a kid, have kids, or make your own kids using straw and toothpaste this is a movie you need to see… though maybe not that last guy. The creeper.

dory

Yes, I know, it was a weird thing to type okay? Geeze.  

 

And there you have it gang, another day, another top ten! Thanks so much for reading and we’ll see you Friday.

Well hello Internet, and happy days. As we take our first tiny, and tentative steps into summer June offers a decidedly mixed bag of movies that doesn’t have the blockbuster appeal of July or May but also don’t have the utter sad sack of suck, that is January and February. So let’s dive on in and see what’s going on with the weekends of June!!

June 3rd:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Yes We Really Made This: Look… it’s bad. Is it worse than the first movie? Who knows. This is the bottom of the barrel my friends, nothing is more the bottom of the barrel. There are not levels of barrel butts. There’s just the damp, reeky, moist scent of crushed dreams, and dead turtles. The one semi compliment I can offer to TMNT2 is that it’s a movie aimed squarely at kids and really doesn’t care what I think about it. This isn’t a Transformers movie trying to appeal to a wide audience, TMNT constantly goes for the cheap joke, the cheap laugh, and the expensive movie ticket. At least it doesn’t pretend to be anything else.

TMNT

“So here’s a crazy idea… let’s not ever make any of these movies ever again.”

 

June 10th:

Warcraft: I talked about this a fair amount on Wednesday but suffice to say: this is not the video game movies we’ve all been waiting for. Warcraft is dragged down by its own world and is simultaneously kind of rushed, and also tedious in the wrong places. It’s not a terrible movie, and I’m sure if you’re a fan of the franchise you’ll get more out of it than your average movie goer, but this isn’t the movie that’s gonna bring video games to the cinema forever.

Now You See Me 2: Okay so, the first Now You See Me was a semi-hit that wasn’t really supposed to be, and if Hollywood has proven anything over the years it’s that there’s no vague success that it can’t ruin. I really enjoyed the first movie and really appreciated the visual effects, the cool ideas, and the overall twistiness of the plot. That said: the ending made VERY little sense. It was good, but it wasn’t great. So now along comes a sequel featuring most of the same cast and seemingly the same overall sense of style but… who knows what the story is about?? The trailers have been VERY vague and while I appreciate the need for some secrecy I’m more than a little concerned. That said I’ll probably see this, I appreciated the originality of the first one even if it did entirely drop the ball in the final act.

now-you-see-me-2-primi-character-poster-del-film-news

Somehow… somewhere… JJ Abrams is responsible for this.

 

June 17th

Finding Dory: That’s right folks. Strap on those nostalgia goggles cause here comes a classic “it’s probably been a little too long” sequel!! Let’s be clear: this will be a fun movie. There will be fish, and Dory, and probably some sharks and things trying to speak in whale or whatever. It’ll be good. But don’t go into this expecting something on the level of the original. This is classic “Monster University” syndrome. That movie was perfectly acceptable, but it’s best parts were when it made references to the original, and none of the new ideas were anything more than passably interesting. It was a good but forgettable movie, that’s what I’m expecting out of Finding Dory. Which is ironic… cause of that forgetting thing she does.

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They seek her here, they seek her there, those fishies seek her everywhere… I’m just gonna assume no one else got that.

 

June 24th:

Independence Day: Resurgence: Is there such a thing as being so late to make a sequel to a movie that it actually becomes the perfect time to make a sequel to a movie?? Well we’re about to find out. Look, I’m strangely excited for this. I mean I enjoyed the original in a VERY “well that was good… for the time.” Sort of way. But this looks like they’ve upped the scale, got some great additions to the cast, brought back the people that counted (sorry Will Smith) and are poised to be the first really good alien invasion film since umm…  I don’t know… Signs?? The trailers for these have looked solid, the effects look great, this could be good times!! The best movie of June? It well could be good citizens. It well could be.

And there you go citizens, enjoy the month of June, and I’ll see you next week!

Hello Citizens, and welcome back to part 2 in our annual, widely praised, and thinly waisted Summer tradition: Summer Questions… which is not a great name if you think about it… or at least not a super inventive one anyway. But why start inventing things now? Why strive to have cool fancy names like: Micah’s Summer Question Emporium, or Micah’s Quizzuical Query’s for your Summer Solstice? When you can just name it…

Summer Questions 2016: Part 2

1. Will Warcraft the movie be any good???

Meh. Look, it’ll be fine. It probably won’t be good, it probably won’t be terrible. It will be fine, stuff will get stabbed, that one big orc guy will probably get about 7 dollars from the tooth fairy for those big old canines of his,

warcraft

Tooth Fairy’s gonna need a Mack Truck to move those things…

 

and all of the big World of Warcraft gamers will either think it’s the best thing they’ve ever seen with their face-eyes, or absolutely the worst thing ever created. It’s how these things work. Judging purely on the trailers this is more The Hobbit, then it is Lord of the Rings. There won’t be anything egregious in it but it doesn’t seem like a movie that’s really gonna push any boundaries. It’ll be fine.

2. Will Finding Dory ruin my child??

It’s certainly possible. I mean, this is Disney we’re talking about and they basically have childhood nostalgia locked in that vault of theirs. That said the last “Do we REALLY need a sequel to that?” movie they released was Monsters University and while that movie was fine it certainly didn’t live up to the predecessor. That’s kind of what I expect to happen here, I think this will be a good movie, but I don’t think it will be in the same neighborhood as the original. We’ll just have to see what happens but my money wouldn’t be on lightning striking the ocean twice… unless we’re talking real life in here in which case I assume that happens all the time. Why don’t more fish die of electrocution?? Curse you science!!

3. Will Independence Day: Resurgance actually be a good movie??

Umm… it’s weird but I actually kind of think so. I mean I’m purely conjecturifying here but… those trailers have been great! That guy playing Will Smith’s son certainly doesn’t have any of Will Smith’s gravitas (did you lose Michael B Jordan’s phone number?) but that cast looks great and the trailers have had a surprising amount of great looking action. And that’s coming from someone who wasn’t a huge fan of the original, I mean I thought the original was fine but this looks REALLY good.

independence-day-new-poster-2016

In our defense, I had 21 years to prepare for adulthood and I had cold pizza for breakfast so… yeah.

 

4. Wait… they made another Tarzan movie?

Yes. Yes they did. And it looks kinda real bad. I mean it just looks like a movie that watched the Disney version of Tarzan and Tarzan 2 and said… “Oh we can do that.” Without taking into account the fact that those weren’t great movies. And no one really wanted another one. I mean how many Jungle people can we handle in one summer? And The Jungle Book is already making all the money so… I’m just not seeing   this being that great. Or even good. But man that one dude does look like Tarzan. If Tarzan was chiseled out of the most in shape rock ever. They had to invent new names for his muscles cause they just sort of kept popping out everywhere.

tarzan

Just look at that trapicuszoidable muscle.

 

5. Will Secret Life of Pets be better than Zootopia?

The short answer: Hahahahhaha no. Look, I’m not saying this movie will be terrible: but it might be terrible. It has put out some genuinely funny trailers but those trailers have all been more “Here’s a funny thing we thought of with pets” any trailers featuring the actual plot of this movie look… just tired. It’s a VERY familiar looking plot and while I’m sure there will be some funny moments, that’s pretty much all I expect out of this one. This is from the creators of the Minions franchise after all, a franchise that specializes in people saying “Well yeah, it’s not a great movie, but that one scene with that one thing is hilarious.” So yeah… watch Zootopia, wait for a “best of Secret Life of Pets” compilation on YouTube. You’ll thank me.

And there you go guys! Only one more episode of Micah’s Convivial Summer Questions Corner to go!! See ya Friday.