Posts Tagged ‘Fifty Shades Darker’

 

Well hey Internet, and all w me to congratulate you on making it through most of Jefbruary! You’re so close to coming out of the bad neighborhood of the movie world. The raging and terrible landfill of Hollywood. Hollywood’s actual trashcan that they actually light on fire. You’ve almost survived. But what have you survived? Well let’s just take a looksee here shall we? Buy dusting off our oldest, and most comfortable pair of short-pants:

 

Box Office Top Ten: 2/16/2017

 

10. Sing

 

There is no greater Jefbruary tradition than the mediocre kids movie that is somehow still in theaters. This years entry, Sing, is a perfectly acceptable entry in the long line of “looks kids!! Things are happening” movies that just refuse to die in Jefbruary, because there aren’t any other movies around to kill them… that got dark quickly.

 

9. Lion

l2017

You’ve got… you’ve got something on your face there man.

 

 

This is a good, uplifting, and awesome movie about… a guy who gets kidnapped. And then there’s a google camera involved and he’s trying to find his family. It’s very uplifting guys. You will be lifted right up there. Assuming you live near one of the two theaters currently showing this movie that is.

 

8. La La Land

 

I’ve talked a lot about this movie and I told everyone to see it about seven times already so… I mean see it. Assuming you live near the one theater that is still showing it.

 

7. Rings

 

Hey look, it’s another one of our favorite Jefbruary friends: the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad, horror movie. This one also managing to give us a two for one by being a completely unnecessary sequel no one asked for!! It’s the unwelcome drunk uncle of Jefbruary!! Thanks Rings!!

 

6. A Dog’s Purpose

dogs

I mean, every pickle happens for a reason too but there’s not “A Pickle’s Purpose” movie is there?

 

 

So… awkwardly this is a movie about how great dogs are that treated the dogs they used VERY badly, and is also a pretty bad movie. Who would have thought that a movie based around a ton of dogs dying and re-incarnating would end up being a downer?? The surprises never end.

 

5. Hidden Figures

 

I’m glad this movie is still around cause it’s important societally and a really good movie that everyone should watch!! I’m sad this movie is still around because there’s nothing sarcastic or mean that I can say about it. More like… Hidden Fingers!!… yeah that doesn’t work… and is creepy. Shoulda got out while the gettin’ was good.

 

4. Split

 

M. Night Sham-a-lama finally made a movie that doesn’t suck!! I mean, granted the conclusion is dumb because his mandatory ‘twist’ handcuffed his ability to give us a concrete ending… but whatever. It doesn’t suck. And James McAvoy is great. So yay?

 

3. John Wick: Chapter 2

jw2

Keanu Reeves has some questions for you…

 

 

I actually really liked John Wick. It was simple, straightforward, man action. It wasn’t a big movie that tried to teach you anything other than “always shoot the man in the head,” but it was just a great action movie. John Wick 2 is basically the same thing. Nothing fancy, nothing super challenging scriptwise, just some good old fashioned Keanu Reeves capping some not Keanu Reeves’s in the head.    

 

2. Fifty Shades Darker

 

First off, let me give you just a little credit internet: This was not the number 1 movie in its first week: I’m proud of you. Granted, it’s still number two, but hey, at least it’s not number 1. I know most of you know this but just so I have typed it: this is a TERRIBLE movie. No one should be surprised at this. It’s a sequel to a bad movie, based on bad books, that features bad actors, playing poorly written characters, based on even poorer written characters. It’s bad. And no one should be surprised by this.

 

1. The Lego Batman Movie

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And yet still better than Jared Leto’s joker.

 

 

I was kinda worried this movie wouldn’t be very good. It was a spin-off from a great movie, and a great character in that movie, but we’ve all seen that crash and burn. We all remember Kronk’s New Groove… especially right after I mention it. But Lego Batman was helped by the fact that it’s based on an existing character with a great cast of characters already established, and it turned out a really great movie!!

 

So there you go guys! Thanks for reading, and hang in there for another few weeks guys! You’ve almost made it through!

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Well hello Interfans and welcome to a time honored January/February tradition. The Jefbruary preview. Jefbruary is a desolate time at movie theaters across the country, a time where the studios abandon us, clean out their garbage cans, and dump them all over cinema screens across America. And so, let us take a minute and pick through this garbage, to find the garbagiest garbage we can get our grimy hands on shall we?? That sounds like… fun??

The Jefbruary Movie Preview

(in all fairness we got a little behind so some of these will be reviews, like (for instance)

Monster Trucks –

How exactly did this movie even get made? Did a movie studio have to make ten movies in a year and then got to the end of the year and realized suddenly they only had 9 movies? So there were like “Okay umm… We’ll get the least interesting actor we can find, and then put him in a movie that we’ll call… Monster Trucks!!… But then just so we don’t have to find any actual monster trucks we’ll make it a play on words because they’ll be an actual monster IN the truck!!” And then for some reason everyone in the office thought that was an idea that would make money. Somehow.

mtrucks

And someone, somewhere thought: Oh yeah… that’s a movie!

 

Underworld 5: Even More Underworld… Somehow.

Look… this is a bad movie. Probably a VERY bad movie that, frankly, I don’t know why they made. That said: I will 100% watch this. Eventually. I won’t pay ten dollars to watch it mind you, but I will absolutely watch it. Why you ask?? Well… cause I’ve seen every other movie in this series and at this point it’s all just Stockholme syndrome. So might as well lean into it right? That seems healthy.

Okay let’s get back to the previewing shall we:

January 20th

xXx: Return of Xander Cage

I think we should just call this movie what it is: xXx: Fast and Furious, but with Stunts. You wanna know the weirdest thing about xXx: The Return of Stuntman Sam?? It’s actually gotten decent reviews. Not like… good reviews. But not terrible reviews… shouldn’t this be getting terrible reviews? Shouldn’t reviewers be questioning why they do what they do after seeing this? Shouldn’t they be questioning why they are even human?!?! I don’t understand it… Nothing makes sense.

cage

I’m confused about the fire tattoo on his sternum… does that symbolize his acid reflux?

 

January 27th

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Speaking of series that keep happening no matter what we do… Resident Evil. But, is this really the Final Chapter?? Will Hollywood finally realize that no one cares about this franchise? Will Hollywood sit down and really ask themselves if this is art?? If what they’re making is really want they want to make for them? For their children to inherit? No. Definitely not.

A Dog’s Purpose

I don’t… I don’t even understand what’s going on with this movie. It’s got… dog reincarnation???? Why? Why does it exist?

dogs

This dogs eyes are mesmerizing.

 

February 3rd

The Comedian

I don’t want to say anything bad about Robert De Niro but… when we get to the end of the year… this may be one of the worst movies. It’s VERY bad. Very. Bad.

February 10th

The Lego Batman Movie

Yeah… this’ll probably be pretty good… kinda ruinin’ my metric here B-man.

Fifty Shades Darker

Nothing like a bad sequel to a terrible movie based on a poorly written book series!! It’s the trifecta of terrible!!

February 17th

The Great Wall

I’m glad February will get its own poorly scripted action movie that might be sort of interesting. Last year’s version of this was gods of Egypt and that ended up being VERY terrible. So it’s a fifty/fifty here whether the action of the movie is outweighed by the dumbness of the scripting. It won’t be very good, but it might be kinda good… or very bad.

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It’s a better than average poster at least.

 

February 24th

Rock Dog

I have no words as to how tired and exhausted this movie looks. They even cast Luke Wilson in the lead. Luke Wilson!! They couldn’t even get Owen Wilson!! Owen. Wilson. They didn’t get him for this movie about a Dog who plays rock n’ roll which they named: Rock Dog. Rock Dog. Thanks February.

rock_dog

Possibly the most generic single picture that was ever taken.

And there you go guys… gonna be a dark month. On the plus side Logan comes out March 2nd so… there is hope.