Well hey Internet, and all w me to congratulate you on making it through most of Jefbruary! You’re so close to coming out of the bad neighborhood of the movie world. The raging and terrible landfill of Hollywood. Hollywood’s actual trashcan that they actually light on fire. You’ve almost survived. But what have you survived? Well let’s just take a looksee here shall we? Buy dusting off our oldest, and most comfortable pair of short-pants:
Box Office Top Ten: 2/16/2017
There is no greater Jefbruary tradition than the mediocre kids movie that is somehow still in theaters. This years entry, Sing, is a perfectly acceptable entry in the long line of “looks kids!! Things are happening” movies that just refuse to die in Jefbruary, because there aren’t any other movies around to kill them… that got dark quickly.
This is a good, uplifting, and awesome movie about… a guy who gets kidnapped. And then there’s a google camera involved and he’s trying to find his family. It’s very uplifting guys. You will be lifted right up there. Assuming you live near one of the two theaters currently showing this movie that is.
8. La La Land
I’ve talked a lot about this movie and I told everyone to see it about seven times already so… I mean see it. Assuming you live near the one theater that is still showing it.
Hey look, it’s another one of our favorite Jefbruary friends: the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad, horror movie. This one also managing to give us a two for one by being a completely unnecessary sequel no one asked for!! It’s the unwelcome drunk uncle of Jefbruary!! Thanks Rings!!
6. A Dog’s Purpose
So… awkwardly this is a movie about how great dogs are that treated the dogs they used VERY badly, and is also a pretty bad movie. Who would have thought that a movie based around a ton of dogs dying and re-incarnating would end up being a downer?? The surprises never end.
5. Hidden Figures
I’m glad this movie is still around cause it’s important societally and a really good movie that everyone should watch!! I’m sad this movie is still around because there’s nothing sarcastic or mean that I can say about it. More like… Hidden Fingers!!… yeah that doesn’t work… and is creepy. Shoulda got out while the gettin’ was good.
M. Night Sham-a-lama finally made a movie that doesn’t suck!! I mean, granted the conclusion is dumb because his mandatory ‘twist’ handcuffed his ability to give us a concrete ending… but whatever. It doesn’t suck. And James McAvoy is great. So yay?
3. John Wick: Chapter 2
I actually really liked John Wick. It was simple, straightforward, man action. It wasn’t a big movie that tried to teach you anything other than “always shoot the man in the head,” but it was just a great action movie. John Wick 2 is basically the same thing. Nothing fancy, nothing super challenging scriptwise, just some good old fashioned Keanu Reeves capping some not Keanu Reeves’s in the head.
2. Fifty Shades Darker
First off, let me give you just a little credit internet: This was not the number 1 movie in its first week: I’m proud of you. Granted, it’s still number two, but hey, at least it’s not number 1. I know most of you know this but just so I have typed it: this is a TERRIBLE movie. No one should be surprised at this. It’s a sequel to a bad movie, based on bad books, that features bad actors, playing poorly written characters, based on even poorer written characters. It’s bad. And no one should be surprised by this.
1. The Lego Batman Movie
I was kinda worried this movie wouldn’t be very good. It was a spin-off from a great movie, and a great character in that movie, but we’ve all seen that crash and burn. We all remember Kronk’s New Groove… especially right after I mention it. But Lego Batman was helped by the fact that it’s based on an existing character with a great cast of characters already established, and it turned out a really great movie!!
So there you go guys! Thanks for reading, and hang in there for another few weeks guys! You’ve almost made it through!