Posts Tagged ‘Elf’

Well hey Internet and welcome to another thrilling and chilling month of December. That’s right, December, the last month of 2016. And with all due respect to 2016: let’s just get this mess done shall we? Once Star Wars comes out I’m good with just skipping to the end of the year guys. Just beam me right up on our of here! But what better way to leasurely pass the time till then, than a heaping helping portion of:

The Weekly Headlines 12/15/2016

So first things first guys: Star Wars: Rogue One (A Star Wars Story: From Star Wars, and Stories) has gotten pretty dang good reviews!! That’s right fellow nerds and nerdettes, it’s safe. This isn’t Episodes 1-3 where you’ll go to a theatre and sit for 2 hours as your childhood hopes and dreams are crushed. It’s all okay. Fanboy/girl out!! We put George Lucas away, okay? He’ll never hurt you again.

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Apparently she fell asleep on a VERY uncomfortable pillow before this picture was taken.

 

The Cruella de Vil movie found it’s director in Alex Timbers this week. I mean… I’m still VERY wary of this because we all remember Maleficent, which was the last time Disney did a solo villain movie, and that movie was VERY bad. Just a train wreck of sight and sound. Hopefully this movie doesn’t feel the need to turn Cruella into some sort of tragically misunderstood villainess who… I don’t know… how exactly do you justify wanting to make a bunch of puppies into a coat and then stealing those puppies?? I mean all Maleficent wanted to do was… umm… what did Maleficent want? I mean she didn’t get invited to that party but… no that was it. Anyway, to summarize: this probably won’t be very good.

The next (and 8th) Fast and the Furious movie, “Fate of the Furious” or (and brace yourselves for this) “F8 of the Furious” released its first trailer this week. Look, I don’t understand why these movies keep getting made but at the same time they do maintain a certain level of “marginal watch-ability.” People drive cars, people punch things, people say things about family in growly voices. That’s basically the plot of every one of these movies except for “Tokyo Drift” which we all have universally decided to pretend never happened. But anyway, F8 of the Furious is happening, and I look forward to it’s inevitable sequel: “The Fast and the F9.”

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F8 of the Furious: Battle of the Balds

 

Oh hey: Moana is still number 1 at the theater. Disney basically has owned the box office since Dr. Strange came out at the beginning of November. Why do other people keep making movies at this point?

Oh other hey, remember how I said Office Christmas Party would be dumb and stupid despite its good cast? It is.

The first trailer for The Mummy starring itty bitty Tom Cruise came out recently and… I don’t know guys. It could be good? I’ve been fooled twice now by this “bring the classic monster movies” movement. The new Dracula and Frankenstein were both passable, but neither ever really reached super entertaining levels. So we’ll just see what happens with the Lady Mummy movie. Also: is Tom Cruise aging backwards somehow?? His face just looks… weird. Like they’re doing that CGI de-aging thing but hit the wrong button at some point. It’s downright unnerving.

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Is there Visine for that?

 

This has been a very un-Christmasy post so let me throw out some holiday cheer real fast: I still freekin’ hate the movie Elf. Sorry. It’s a long standing, deeply rooted loathing. It shall never be fixed. It shall never be sated.

Oh also: this movie is still happening!! So be excited about that at least!

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In less good news: you know how I said Collateral Beauty could be really good?? It really is not. Just throwing that info out there for everyone. It’s very not good, I’m sorry I talked about it so much. Frankly I’m sorry I’m talking about it right now. So I’ll probably stop at some point. Soon. Soon-ish.

In even other trailer news, Nicolas Cage’s new movie “Arsenal” and… OOOOHHH boy is it a fun train wreck of happenings!! I mean… just… the hair and the mustache and the complete and utter serenity to the great and ancient god of madness. He’s just… he’s just insane. Legitimately. Insane. And it’s wonderful.

Oh: also there’s a new trailer for Despicable Me 3… cause the gods apparently hate us all.

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WWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????

 

And there you have it friends and countrymen! The weekly headlines! I’ll see you next week when I promise I will give in more fully to the Christmas madness.

 

Well hey there!! Am I glad to see you! Sheeshk. Believe it or not I didn’t not post on Monday because I was off enjoying Christmas vacation. Nope. I didn’t post on Monday because my entire body decided to simultaneously punch itself in all of my major organs. For a week. I was in no mood to be funny… or form sentences. Or words. Anyway, I seem to mostly be better today except for the random intervals at which my stomach holds spontaneous re-enactments of the Battle of Waterloo and fires live cannons inside of itself. Other than that, I’m great.  And have decided to officially give in… to the Holidays. So here you go!!

A Christmas Christmasganza!! 

(as accompanied by my aching stomach)

Man I have got to start naming these things in advance… oh well. Too late now.

 Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

A bunch of clay is brought to life by an angry demon and forced to re-enact childrens stories while he laughs maniacally in the background. That all happens before the movie starts though. There is something phenomenally creepy about this particular style of animation… phenomenally. Rudolph is a misfit who can’t fly likes cause he sounds like a fourth grade girl… though granted all of the characters in this movie sound like fourth grade girls. Eventually he meets an elf who wants to be a dentist for some reason… I mean, who wants to be a dentist? I mean maybe if you REALLY hate kids I can see going into it but isn’t that why people become elementary school teachers?

Then again he sort of looks like a dentist doesn't he? The jerk.

Then again he sort of looks like a dentist doesn’t he? The jerk.

Anyway the two of them leave the North Pole cause no one likes them and they meet a dude with a mustache and a pickaxe and eventually set sail and… this is the right movie yeah? I don’t know… seems like a lot happens in here that’s kind of unnecessary… Anyway, they go to an island and find some misfit toys and there’s a lion with wings and… man. Who wrote all this into this movie? Who sat down and said “You know what Rudolph the red nosed reindeer needs? Unpopular toys and a griffin!”

Eventually, Rudolph goes back to the North pole and the creepy dentist elf rips the abominable snowman’s teeth out and everyone lives happily ever after. I also assume that at some point in here someone says Rudolph’s nose glows and that he’ll go down in history.

I do realize that this isn't actually claymation but "creepy-toy-mation" takes way too long to type.

I do realize that this isn’t actually claymation but “creepy-toy-mation” takes way too long to type.

Elf

Elf is about– ew… aw…. Gross. I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t think about it.

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Yes this counts as a Christmas movie. It is not a Halloween movie. Halloween movies have Michael Myers in them, everyone knows that. Anyway there’s a Pumpkin King and Halloween Town and he kidnaps Santa because he wants to try delivering presents and then a giant burlap sack sings a song that still haunts me in my sleep. Nuff said.

A Christmas Carol

I’m lumping a bunch of movies into one here but they all have the same basic premise anyway and I don’t feel well and it’s my blog. So leave me alone. Ebenezer Scrooge is a… scrooge. Ha ha. Who raises his Ebenezer and… what? That’s a thing. It’s in a song… I think.

"Don't mind Micah. It's the sickness talking."

“Don’t mind Micah. It’s the sickness talking.”

Nobody likes Scrooge and then he sees three ghosts one of whom reminds him that his life sucks. Another of whom tells him that everyone else around him is pretty cool and then a third ghost tells him that his life is going to keep on sucking and then he’s gonna die. For some reason Scrooge doesn’t do what I would do (move to the Bahamas) and starts giving everyone else his money and holding Christmas in his heart forever and there’s some kid with a crutch who everyone gets all choked up about because his house doesn’t have a handicap ramp or… something.

Elf

Okay so seriously Elf is about Will Farrel playing a—nope. Nope. I can’t…. ew… the memories!!! Oh the memories!!

I hate Elf. Maybe I just watched it too many times (one year I saw it 5 times in a 4 days stretch at 5 different houses) or maybe it’s just a terribly gimmicky movie with a sense of humor that can only accurately be compared to a jam covered manitee, I don’t know. Maybe both.

Just uploading this picture significantly lowered my Christmas Spirit, my IQ, and the GDP of America.

Just uploading this picture significantly lowered my Christmas Spirit, my IQ, and the Gross Domestic Product of four empoverished countries.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

(The Original)

Awww… The Grinch!! On of my favorite Christmas movies. What do you mean you’re not surprised at all? Hey, I love Christmas. I just am freaked out by Claymation, ghosts, and Will Ferrel in tights. I love “How the Grinch stole Christmas.” It rhymes, there’s a dog. I’m good, I am set. Thank you Dr. Suess.

I refused to wear pants for YEARS after watching this movie.

I refused to wear pants for YEARS after watching this movie.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

(The Jim Carrey… thing)

You wanna know a horrible secret? I kinda like this movie. No for real. I mean, I wouldn’t watch it more than the once a year I watch it now but… yeah. Kinda like it. It’s funny. And yes I still do hate Jim Carrey. And yes, I am probably heavily influenced by the fact that I like the original, not to mention the hilarious amount of Nyquil I’ve taken in the past 48 hours, but there you have it my friends. The truth.

And now, my very favorite Christmas movie of all time:

A Muppet Christmas Carol

Sure it’s still got all the weird things from my reviews of all the other versions of this but you know what it also has? Muppets. Hilarity. Rizzo and Gonzo narrating. This is an inescapably awesome movie and every year while I was growing up we would all gather around the TV on Christmas eve and pop in a Muppet Christmas Carol. Oh the good times. Oh the family times. Oh the ohness.

And yes (as with most truly great things) Michael Caine is heavily involved.

And yes (as with most truly great things) Michael Caine is heavily involved.

Anyway enough of that sentimentality. May you all have a very Merry Christmas! And hey, check back here Thursday of next week as I do some serious new years, new yearsing right here on Thoughts We Might Have Had!!!

What? What do you mean “new yearsing” isn’t a thing. Of course it is. It means ummm… Well it means… Hey I’ve got a week to figure it out okay? Now go away. I’m gonna go sing a soothing rendition of “Hey Jude” to my angry stomach.