Posts Tagged ‘Divergent’

Hello friend Internet, Fienternet as I will hopefully never call you again. Well… it’s still September… and September (in almost every meaning of the word) sucks. A lot. To death. No movies, rainy weather, not quite far enough into fall to have beautiful leaves or good coffee. It’s a terrible thing. Nobody is happy in September. So since I have no movies to review, have talked about video games, and even resorted to tearing apart Gone with the Wind out of sheer blog boredom. So now I will impart to you further wisdom, not just to make fun of old movies, or to talk about video games, but rather to help you, to guide you, to show you a better way to live. The redox way.

What’s in Redbox

The following is a list of stuff and things and stuff that are in Redbox. Some are good, some are bad, but pretty much all of them are better than spending ten dollars in a theater to watch something horrible.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier:

Right up there with Iron Man 1 as one of the best stand-alone Marvel hero movies out there. The plot is great, there’s a genuine sense of humor to it, and some of the best fight scenes around, a genuine pleasure to watch. Just don’t stare directly at Robert Redford’s old man ears. Those things will eat your brain.

Think Like a Man Too:

A bunch of people get together and make a bad sequel to a funny movie. On the plus side it’s got… Nope there’s not a plus side. Sorry, I tried.

Draft Day:

Kevin Costner and some people who don’t understand how the NFL draft works, make a movie about the NFL draft. Overall it’s a “meh” sort of movie but it is hilarious if you know how the actual NFL draft works.

"So... do you guys think we should research the actual NFL draft? Nah, we'll be okay right?"

“So… do you guys think we should research the actual NFL draft? Nah, we’ll be okay right?”

Barbie and the Secret Door:

Here’s the plot summary of this movie: A shy princess, Alexa, discovers a secret door in her kingdom and enters a whimsical land filled with magical creatures and surprises. Inside, Alexa meets Romy and Nori, a mermaid and a fairy, who explain that a spoiled ruler named Malucia is trying to take all the magic in the land. To her surprise, Alexa has magical powers in this world, and her new friends are certain that only she can restore their magic. Ha ha ha… oh man. That’s hilarious.

Divergent:

Divergent is a movie that’s a lot like the Hunger Games, except everyone is kind of a jerk and instead of being divided into 13 districts going from super rich to hilariously poor, things are divided into 5 houses going from smiley happy give you everything, all the way to murder-death everyone IN THE FACE!

 Oculus:

An above average horror movie starring Amy Pond… I mean Karen Gillan.

"Ummm... yeah, I'm not actually Amy Pond..."

“Ummm… yeah, I’m not actually Amy Pond…”

Brave:

A Disney movie starring a girl with hair that is practically its own country, brave is the story of Merida a girl whose mother is (for various and sundry reasons) a bear. And really what could be better than a Bear mom and a Scottish girl running around a magical fairy version of Scotland looking for something… that I do not remember.

Noah:

A movie so loosely based on Biblical events that it may or may not have ever actually read the Bible. Or even like…the Wikipedia version of the Bible.

Transformers (the Trilogy):

That’s right folks, the entire Transformers trilogy. For just 3 dollars you can entirely melt away your brain, soul, and (some studies have shown) portions of your kidneys. We do NOT under any circumstance recommend you watching these movies back to back. It will physically kill you. Your brain will smash out of your skull in a desperate attempt to escape the works of Michael Bay.

Basketball Girlfriend:

I have no idea what this movie is about… but it looks hilarious, and I’m just assuming here that there is a basketball player and that he has a girlfriend.

Vampire Academy:

Cause if there was anything our society needed  it was a movie about high school vampires who love each other and go to school.

Ha ha they suck at school... it's funny cause-- oh wait no it's not.

Ha ha they suck at school… it’s funny cause– oh wait no it’s not.

The Legend of Hercules:

Did you watch the Rock’s version of Hercules and think “Huh, well this is sort of a mediocre movie, but you know what I really want to see? A much much worse version of this!!” Well, you very weird person, this is the movie for you. Enjoy it!! Or don’t. Whichever of those you were hoping for.

47 Ronin:

Yup. Keanu Reeves horrifying brick-face. On the plus side for Keanu I recommend this movie over Transformers!! Any of the Transformers.

And finally:

The Art of the Steal:

This movie is on this list for one reason: Crunch Calhoun. Yup, the main character in this movie is Crunch Calhoun. Goodnight ladies and gentlemen.

Hey the Internet! How’s the hpas? Haps the hows? And other things cool people say! This week is that awkward time in between when I watch awesome movies (like Captain America 2) and when I come up with something to actually blog about!! So while we wait for problem 1 to resolve itself and problem 2 to go away (probably never gonna happen) let’s take a look at this weeks box office and see what’s shaking!

Box Office Top Ten 4/14/14

10. Mr. Peabody and Sherman 

A movie about a time travelling dog and his child… is it just me or does that sound like some sort of dream that a seven year old had?? “Mom, I dreamed our dog was Dad and we flew back in time to see the Trojan army and their leader sounded like Kronk!!” Anyway it’s supposed to be a decent film though it’s not quite my “Kids movie special” for the week as that distinction goes to…

9. Muppets Most Wanted

This one!! Yay the muppets. I’m glad I live in a world where the Muppets are back!! Back in all their random, crazy cameod, frogs and pigs somehow falling in love and that not being SUPER creepy, awesomeness. Though I sort of ruined it now didn’t I? … ew.

8. The Grand Budapest Hotel

It’s a Wes Anderson movie. It’ll be weird and charming and have lots of humor punctuated by awkward silences and quirky people. If you like Wes Anderson movies then yay. If not then continue as you were. Wes Anderson has made a career out of appealing to a niche audience and he seems completely okay with continuing to do that. Kind of like me!! Except my niche is four people on a blog, and his niche is millions of people… but whatever… we’re very similar.

Because it's a Wes Anderson film... that's why.

Because it’s a Wes Anderson film… that’s why.

7. God’s Not Dead

I do not know what this movie is about… something about a philosophy class and a student… and things. That said at least it’s not a movie that tries to simultaneously teach biblical truths while featuring battles between huge rock monsters/fallen angels. Speaking of which…

6. Noah

I’m really not gonna get into the controversy on Noah. I’m just not. Just know that if you’re looking for the book of Noah to be realized on film (yes that was a Bible joke) this is NOT that movie. That movie does not exist. Let’s face one thing right now: if you made a movie based only on the Bible events of Noah that movie would be roughly thirty minutes long and not all that exciting. Now… does that mean your Noah movie has to feature rock monsters battling it out with an army of Roman soldiers and cat people?? Probably not… and I only made up some of those.

"I'm getting on that boat!!!... Assuming I'm in the movie..."

“I’m getting on that boat!!!… Assuming I’m in the movie…”

5. Divergent 

This movie’s still around!! And hey I posted a full review of this already! I still don’t really understand the cast system but beyond that it’s all good! People punch each other and jump off of trains for inexplicable reasons and there’s a magical instant tattoo machine run by Maggie Q.

4. Draft Day 

This is a movie about the Browns. NFL football franchise. The Browns. What more do you need to know? It’ll probably start out really well with a lot of promise and then mid-way through it will blow out it’s knee, forget how to throw strikes, or sign with Miami… sorry for that Cleveland.

3. Oculus

Yes it’s a horror movie… but it’s a horror movie starring Karen Gillan (Amy from Doctor Who)!! It’s like an episode of Doctor Who but without the Doctor and horrifyingly more terrible and bloody and horrendous… So not really that much like an episode of Doctor Who… also I miss Doctor Who.

sniff....

sniff….

2. Rio 2

This is one of those movie series that everyone seems to love… but nobody seems to have watched. If you’ve watched Rio OR Rio 2 raise your hands… see that? No one. I assume.

1. Captain America: The Winter Soldier

I haven’t seen this… I refuse to spoil it for myself… But everyone loves this movie. Comic book nerds, regular people with actual lives, EVERYONE. Every. Mothers. Son.

So that’s it guys, the top ten. And hopefully upon Thursday I will review ye old Captain America! See you then!!

Divergent

Posted: March 31, 2014 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , ,

Internet!! I’m back, back from the foreign fields of vacation. A magical kingdom filled with magical not working and free time to spend with my wife wandering in the snow. Regardless of all that though, whilst all of this was going on (and/or not going on) we also watched some movies and (to avoid having to tell you anymore of what was a frankly awesome week) I will now talk about one of those movies.

Micah Reviews: Divergent 

If you're not a big fan of the city of Chicago then this is the movie for you!

If you’re not a big fan of the city of Chicago then this is the movie for you!

The latest entry in the rapidly growing, quickly rotting, “young adult movies” category. A category that was simultaneously created and beaten over the head with a bat by Twilight and now lives on in a half zombie half porridge state of not really having a purpose at all. Divergent is hoping it can land more in the Hunger Games category of that particular field rather than the incredibly unfortunate the Host category.

The Plot: 

In the year… something or other… in the city of Chicago life is not super awesome (cause apparently that’s never EVER a possibility in these sorts of films.) In fact it is so not super awesome that we have had to build a huge wall around the city and divide it’s citizens into five groups. Amity (hippy farmers) Candor (jerks who are lawyers) Erudite (jerks who are scientists) Dauntless (generally just jerks) and then Abnegation (who are pretty much entirely useless.) Beatrice (who is also pretty much useless) is in Abnegation at the beginning of the movie, but in a shocking turn of events that we already we’re told was going to happen, she chooses to join Dauntless and become a soldier.

"Could someone remind me how this is supposed to help?"

“Could someone remind me how this is supposed to help?”

As she goes through soldier training Beatrice (or Triss as we must now call her) learns more about being “Divergent” something that she discovers during a hallucination test (which happens way more than you might think in the future.) Anyway, Triss must do her best to overcome her previous complete uselessness and learn to punch people in the throat. All the while, Divergents are being hunted down and killed for quite potentially no reason at all and the Scientist Jerks might just be getting ready to be even bigger jerks then all the other jerks in Chicago.

The Positrons:

The cast here is fairly solid. There aren’t any big names or big performances but no one does terribly. It’s a cast that’s stronger than any of its parts and there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that.

Similar to the cast the story here isn’t necessarily a sweeping epic you will never forget but it does tell a compelling story about an interesting world.

The Negatrons:

It’s not always super clear what’s going on with the whole “Divergent” thing. We know they “don’t conform to society” but no one ever tells us why that’s so important. Frankly you get the feeling that if the Science jerks hadn’t made such a big deal out of “hunting down all the divergents now” the divergents probably would have just exposed themselves and then been incredibly easy to pick off.

It’s difficult to understand why Abnegation are in charge of the government. I mean I love “givers” as much as anyone but why not put the lawyers/truth tellers in charge of these things? If my solution to every problem is going to be “give them stuff” then that’s really not an awesome legislative body.

As stated above it’s a nice world Divergent has created though the “futureness” of it is spotty at times. Sure we have mind control serums, instant and painless tattoos, and technology that allows us to WALK IN EACH OTHERS DREAMS!!! But when it comes to farming/clothing/weaponry everything seemed pretty much modern day.

In a FAR more nitpicky section let me just say that Triss is afraid of some weird stuff. When she is dropped into yet another hallucination test Triss is forced to confront her greatest fears the primary one (apparently) being birds. Yes. Birds. Apparently she watched a lot of Alfred Hitchcock as a child. Also, there is a character named “Four.” In this movie. Seriously though: Four.

Despite her apparent fear of birds Triss is very quick to get some magic-tattoo birds on her chest.

In Conclusion:

Divergent is a good film. That’s really all that can be said about it, it’s not a great movie. It’s not even the movie it desperately wants to be (Hunger Games) but neither is it a bad movie. It’s a movie that ticks off all the appropriate boxes for goodness without necessarily excelling at any of them. I’m sure fans of the books will enjoy it, and even people who haven’t read them (like myself) will at least be able to take something away from the experience.

I give it a 3 out of 5.