Posts Tagged ‘Dark Shadows’

Hey everyone, so after a weird weekend full of business and me not sleeping, here I am laying in my room thinking about what in the world this blog should be about. But seeing as having no clue what I’m going to write about has never stopped me before I figure mine as well just start hitting keys and see what happens on this page… word document… thing.

Oh, this is the continuation of my “Summer Questions” blog that I’ve been doing. Just scroll right down this here page if you want to read the rest!! No idea why that happened in a Southern Accent. No idea.

Will Kristin Stewart ruin snow White and the Huntsman?

Someone explain to me how that isn't the symbol from Lord of the Rings on her shield?

I don’t really think so. Here’s the thing about Kristin Stewart: She’s not a terrible actress. She’s not a great actress, she’s probably not even a good actress, but she is also not a terrible actress. Kristin’s problem is that she has achieved fame by playing a character with all the emotional depth of a Kiddie Pool in the Sahara. That combined with the fact that she is (as previously stated) not a great actress have combined to make Bella Swan (her character from twilight for those of you mercifully spared from knowing these things) as interesting and compelling as an All You Can Eat Cardboard Buffet. Put Kristin Stewart into an interesting movie with an interesting cast and a character that has more problems than “Does he really truly wuv me?” and there’s a chance she won’t make me want to savage my brain with a statue of Walt Disney. I’m not saying that Stewart is the next Helena Bonham Carter, but neither am I saying that she’s the next Amanda Seyfried.

Will Brave be yet another heartwarming Pixar classic?

Pixar: Punching us in the face with adorableness since Toy Story.

Probably. I don’t know… I feel like Pixar just keeps running out movies with the same basic premise and life lessons and then waiting for the money of their adoring fans to fall from the heavens into their tiny outstretched hands. And it works. Every time. I really can’t fault them for doing it, I mean hey, once you find a formula that works you might as well stick to the formula. I don’t fault Fruit Loops for making delicious circles of power the same way year after year do I?

Can the Bourne Legacy continue punching people in the face without Matt Damon?

Never just one?? I feel like that's sort of a broad claim to be making there Move Poster.

Of course it can. Here’s the thing about action movies: Stories are secondary. Always. Why do you think James Bond manages to switch actors every ten years or so and no one notices? Why do you think Mission Impossible keeps making millions of dollars at the box office despite two extra large helpings of “Tom Cruise runs this way” in all of their movies? It’s cause we really just want to watch peeps get shot! In fact you could say that this is actually an upgrade for the Bourne series as they bring in not only the extremely awesome Jeremy Renner, but also the awesomely creepy Edward Norton who seems to be playing the villain this time around. Like when James Bond finally realized that Pierce Brosnan was someone universally disliked by the entire cosmos and decided to get someone with an actual soul to play James Bond.

Will Dark Shadows be just another run-in-the-mill awesome movie for Tim Burton and Johnny Depp?

Sure there are other people in this movie. But really: who cares?

Absolutely it will. These two guys just can’t seem to do anything wrong when they sit down in a room and say “So… what do we do now?” Add in Helena Bonham Carter as the Cherry on top of this proverbial Banana-awesome-Sunday and you get yet another movie that I will probably not shut up about for a very long time. Of course this movie looks a little different and a little weird but when has that ever stopped them from being awesome before? It hasn’t. Ever.

So there you go. A lot of questions, a few answers, and a weird Fruit Loop related analogy! See you all on Thursday! Where I will absolutely and definitely write about… something.

Hey all, a bit of a shorter post today due to mass pandemonium in my life!! Still though here are some trailers that have come out my recently and my mostly not based on facts opinions of them.

Piranha 3DD

Ew. Do not watch this movie. OR the trailer. Actually don’t even think about Piranha 3DD. The last piranha movie (the well entitled Piranha 3D) was so bad it hurt my brain, got terrible reviews, and killed all sorts of cute forest critters, just by existing. And for all intents and purposes this movie’s trailer looks to be sleazier, dumber, and more horrible towards women than ever. Seriously I’m kind of disgusted with myself for watching it… I’m gonna go watch the Dark Knight Rises trailer just to make myself feel better.

Seeking Justice

I promise you January Jones's facial expression in this poster will be the exact same one that's in the movie... the entire... time.

A movie featuring the still unmoving face of January Jones and the crazy insane face of Nicolas Cage all in the same place. I think the premise has something to do with J Jones getting mugged and then Nicolas Cage has some guy beat up that guy and then owes him a favor… or something. Frankly it’s a weird premise and by the time this trailer was over I was bored. Yes the trailer bored me. When you’re making an action movie and the TRAILER is boring that, my friends, is what we call… an epic fail.


Yeah cause that name isn't weird at all. Why not Frankenstein? Or Frankenspark? Or something that makes sense...

“Ummm… what?” This was my response after watching this trailer. Shortly after that my response was “don’t go in there Billford” and “now I’ll have to get a new jellychilla.” This movie seems to primarily feature a boy raising his dog from the dead in a Frankenstein sort of un-death way. I’m assuming there’s another plot in there somewhere but if they stick with the source material (the actual Frankenstein) the dog will go crazy and start randomly devouring people…  And as completely hilarious as that would be I somehow am guessing that it won’t be the direction this fluffy stop motion clay-mation thing will be going. And speaking of claymation going in weird directions…


Don’t really know how I feel about this one honestly… I mean it really does look like sort of a cool idea and I love the use of the clay moving stuff to create zombies and Norman’s awesome hair but at this point any movie that involves “the dumb but lovable fat kid” has officially transgressed rule 75A of “Micah’s Guide to Being Smarter than a Marmoset.” So yeah… unsure.

Dark Shadows

Hey look!! Another sort of strange looking movie featuring things that are supposed to be dead. Tim Burton (brilliant Director behind a ton of great movies) gets together with Johnny Depp and Helen Bonham Carter (or HBC as they call her at various hip night clubs full of hipsters) to make a comedy about a Vampire named Barnabus. Barnabus… Barnnnnabus… man that word is fun to say. Like having a monkey slowly roll warmed butter around your tongue… that got creepy really quickly didn’t it? Anyway though, this movie looks pretty decent actually. Tim Burton movies are generally weird, trippy, and strange but they are enjoyable on the whole (think the new Alice in Wonderland). Plus Johnny Depp is awesome so… there’s that.

Because if you don't know what to do with your poster just stick Johnny Depp's face on it. I'll line up.

Wrath of the Titans

I can’t make up my mind about this one. Clash of the Titans (part 1 in the gripping “of the Titans”) was a major letdown for me. This was mostly because the trailers looked absolutely EPIC and then the movie was (at best) a “meh”. So can another movie with essentially all the same characters, the same creators, and (what appears to be) a storyline based on the same premise not be a major letdown?? I don’t know… I really really don’t. Oh also this movie has a Chimera in it which is actually kind of epic. If nothing else that might be worth the price of admission. Also: Liam Neeson.

I have no words for the coolness of this picture.

Well there you have it friends and countrymen! Hey if you missed it Monday I finally did my liveblog that I’ve been threatening to do! You should check it out here! All right, have a great weekend and check back next week as I review the new Three Musketeers movies!!

So looking at the site numbers for the last week it really turns out that we did just about the same amount of business last week as we do weeks when I actually post something! So I’m not posting anymore. Although… I have to post to post that I’m not posting anymore so I guess I might as well post about something….. I think.

Happy 2012 everyone! I had some great holiday days filled with family and friends and time with my girlfriend and the loss of hearing in my right ear (yes this actually happened… and continues to be happening). And now here I am sitting in front of my computer gazing into the massive real of stuff that I could write about. But at this festive time of year full of… fests… I guess. What better way to welcome in the new year then with:

The Top Ten Most Anticipated Movies of 2012 

Number 10: The “Sort of excited about but not sure” list. Or (as it’s more popularly known) “I couldn’t limit the list to ten” Anyway here’s a list of this category.

      The Raven: Probably will be a good movie featuring John Cusack (an underrated but very talented actor) playing Edgar Allen Poe as he tries to hunt down a murderer who uses Poe’s short stories as the inspiration for his killings. I would be more excited for this if the cast (aside from Cusack) wasn’t comprised of B list actors who have definitely never read Poe.

     Taken 2: Yes it’s the sequel to one of my favorite movies and yes it does star one of my favorite actors but… I don’t know… this didn’t feel like a movie that really needed a sequel. It was an amazingly awesome slice of cinematic chocolate cake but… I’m not sure seconds are really called for. If the movie turns out to be awesome then great, but I wouldn’t be overly surprised if it wasn’t.

     Les Miserables: Yup… this movie is here. Hugh Jackmen, Helen Bonham Carter, and Russel Crowe might actually make me sit through a musical without making me want to stuff my ears with movie popcorn… maybe.

      Skyfall: The latest in the James Bond series will still star Daniel CraigAND will feature Javier Bardem as it’s main villain. Yes, I’m interested, no I don’t really have very high expectations for it.

Number 9: The Bourne Legacy

I’m a big fan of the Bourne series on the whole…. also a fan of being born… and the word borne… and Beorn from Lord of the rings… anyway, I liked Matt Damon in the originals, thought the idea was cool and the characters were well defined. The fourth movie in the series starts things off fresh with a new star (the increasingly cool Jeremy Renner) and a whole new storyline. No one’s really saying much about the plot of this newest installment but I’m interested enough to keep the movie on my radar anyway.

Number 8: Looper

Cool idea, cool cast, cool poster... I'm in.

An interesting sounding movie that features a cool plot, a solid director and a good cast led by Jospeh Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis. Basically what’s going down here is that Levitt plays a futuristic assassin who kills people and hides their his crime by launching the evidence into the past. He’s murdering his own happy way through dixie land when he runs into an older version of himself (played by Bruce Willis). A version of himself that had been launched back in time!! And let the drama ensue. Sounds interesting if nothing else and could be a cool idea. Granted I said the same thing about “In Time” a movie that came out this year and managed to be absolutely horrible but “Looper” has the extreme advantage of not having Amanda Seigfried in it.

Number 7: Snow White and the Huntsman

Feed the birds tupons a bag...

I got on this train after the first trailer for this movie came out and was awesome! And yes I have taken ridicule for it! Yes the commoners have laughed at me for backing a movie that features the cement laden face of Kristin Stewart. But ya know what internet? I’m sticking with it. I think a good director, a cool visual style, and the meaty frame of Chris Hemsworth (Thor) are enough to save a movie from Kristin Stewart’s one and only one expression. So there!

Number 6: The Grey

Liam Neeson: this years nominee for coolest thing ever.

Liam Neeson and a bunch of people who aren’t nearly as cool as Liam Neeson crash in some snowy place and have to survive the wilderness and some seriously ticked off wolves in order to make it back home. Or (to simplify things) Liam Neeson vs. Wolves. I’m watching this.

Number 5: The Avengers

Yes, this movie is only listed at number 5. Calm down comic book fans I have not deserted you. I really think this will be a great movie. I do. BUT it has the potential to be horrible. Yes it has a great cast (Jeremy Renner, Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo etc.) and one of my favorite writers/directors (Josh Whedon) but it’s also an ensemble cast movie and those horrify me. Did you watch Fantastic Four? Do you remember the utter pile of putrid failure that was that movie? Do you? I do. And I have not recovered.

Number 4: Dark Shadows

Another Tim Burton movie!! I feel better about 2012 already!

Johnny Depp plays a vampire. Helen Bonham Carter plays a live at home psychiatrist. And Tim Burton directs another incredibly freaky but AWESOME movie. Honestly the only reason this isn’t higher on this list is because the last three movies are just that epic. Anytime Burton and Depp get together it makes something worth watching and adding in the crazy premise this movie is built on will only make things that much better.

Number 3: The Amazing Spider-man

Andrew Garfield is awesome and spiderman... are you?

I have literally comprised a 1500 plus word Thesis on why it’s okay for us to make a new Spiderman movie now. And nothing that The Amazing Spider-man has done so far has shaken me from the firm belief that this will be good for Spidey fans everywhere. Andrew Garfield (the new spider man) is brilliant and I think this movie will be dramatically different enough from the original Spider movies that even the most ardent fans of the old ones will have to admit that it was well worth the re-boot. Also someone has to free me from the nightmares I still have of Tobey Maguire crying while wearing a Spider-man suit… ew…

Number 2: The Hobbit

There's an actual poster for this movie now but it involves a not dragon. So... I used this one... for the dragon.

After YEARS of production halts and director switches The Hobbit movie is finally coming to town!! And I am excited. Sure the new trailer didn’t really feature any of the awesome climactic battle sequences that punctuated the original trilogy but the movie has almost an entire year before it actually hits theaters. A lot of orcs and horses and things left to be animated, I guarantee it. Unless I am completely wrong and have no business writing about movies (shut-up) this will be an awesome movie.

And finally in what is a surprise to exactly no one my most anticipated movie of 2012 is…

Number 1: Star Wars Episode 1 in 3D 

Cause the only thing better then watching a decent movie with an iffy script and one of the most annoying characters in the entire galaxy... is doing it in 3D.

Ba ha ha, no. Re-releasing a movie in 3D is like trying to sell me a candy bar wrapper without the candy bar inside!

For real number 1: The Dark Knight Rises.

Was there ever any doubt?

Yup. Look I realize I may be sorely disappointed by this movie. I realize that lightning is unlikely to strike a series twice and that the Batman trilogy has already produced one of the great movies of our generation but this is a top ten most anticipated list and if I can’t get excited about a movie like this then there is no reason at all for me to keep watching movies.

Well there you have it America…. or at least the very small percentage of America that reads this blog. Carry on into the new year knowing that it will be filled with singing Hugh Jackmens, falling Batmans, and (of course) Johnny Depp being insane.