Posts Tagged ‘Colombiana’

Colombiana

Posted: January 26, 2012 by Micah in Movie Reviews
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So… Zoe Saldana stars in a movie about a female assassin out to find revenge for her family and “remember where she came from.” For those of you who didn’t watch the trailer the words “never forget where you came from” were whispered harshly about four hundred million times. Leading to me and Riley taking it on as a personal mantra.

Riley: Hey Micah where did we park?

Micah: I don’t know… did you forget where you came from?

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Micah: Riley where’s the last piece of pizza?

Riley: I don’t know… totally forgot where it came from.

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Riley: Micah I’m gonna go kill that zombie that’s been tearing up the Sorrow garden.

Micah: Never forget where you came from.

Riley: I’m just going out in the backyard

Micah: Never forget where you came from.

Riley: It’s literally four feet away… oh nevermind. Woolfred our demon possessed garden gnome just ate the zombie. It’s all good.

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So was a movie with such an obnoxiously funny yet totally serious trailer any good at all? Well yes… and a little bit no.

Micah Reviews: Colombiana

Dear Gun, for Christmas I would like a pony, and a rocket ship, and for the men who killed my family to die very painfully.

The Plot:

So… Once upon a time in Mexico… wait nope… different movie. Anyway the movie starts in Mexico where some Mexican drug runner person orders the killing of another Mexican drug runner person because Drug Runner B deliberately did not attend Drug Runner A’s Post-Semi Annual, Pre-Annual Celebration of the Summer Solstice. Anyway, so this dude totally caps that dude right in front of that dude’s daughter. The daughter escapes (cause the people chasing her have all the common sense and abilities of a limp dish rag) and makes her way to the US where she is re-united with her long lost uncle: Fabio (that is in no way shape or form his actual name).

Several years later we are reunited with the little girl (whose name is Catalina… no wait… Cataleya…. That makes more sense.) Who is now a Little Woman. She meets up with Laurie who…. Ummm… somewhere in there I got sidetracked. Hang on…

Several years later we meet up with Catalina who is now a woman Bent on Revenge (like Hooked on Phonics but bloodier).  She sets about strategically murdering the people responsible for her families’ death, all the while attempting to look attractive, and date an attractive looking male.

Twas the night before Christmas and all the house not a creature was stirring... except for a Zoe Saldana.

The Positives:

 Colombiana is an interesting movie with a decent enough plot and a pretty good core cast. Granted that sentence will not be going on the box art for the DVD but hey I type it like I see it. Zoe Saldana does a very good job with the main character and is definitely the stand out member of the cast which is (after all) how it should be.

The Negatrons:

Occasionally the script for this movie makes no sense at all. I mean on the whole it really does hold up fairly well but there are certain moments that will either leave you scratching your head in puzzlement or openly laughing at the movie screen. For instance: during one scene Uncle Fabio pulls out a gun and randomly shoots a car, in the middle of Chicago!! He then stands there and carries on a long conversation with young Catalina (or Catalina Light if you will) all the while HOLDING THE GUN! Does no one in Chicago own a phone? Or does Chicago work on the “no blood no foul” system? “Wow that guy totally shot my car, but I’m okay so I guess I won’t phone the authorities about the crazy guy who is now talking to a little girl outside of a school.”

Secondly every once in a while the movie gets distracted by how attractive Zoe Saldana is. As if the writing room was invaded one night by zit riddled 7th grade boys who felt the need to have Miss Saldana change multiple times in the movie just sort of… because. Now I’ve talked with some very intelligent people who it didn’t bother at all but to me it just felt like (especially in the first hour of the film before the action really picked up) that the only way it was going to keep the audience’s attention was to trod out some short shorts.

In Conclusion:

Short shorts and certain script holes aside I really did like Colombiana. The story was interesting enough and Zoe Saldana really carries her part through the movie very nicely. It’s not the best action movie out there but it can certainly carry it’s own against the established big movies of the genre.

I give it 3 Low Fat Dressings out of 5.