Posts Tagged ‘Christian Bale’

Usually this is the part of the blog where I open with some vague witticism about my weekend or how my biceps are bigger than yours or something true but slightly insulting to most of my readers, because I have image issues that I mask behind my ability to bang my head against a keyboard and form poorly punctuated sentences… wow… that was dark. But I won’t do that this week!! Unless you count those sentences. Which we won’t… Because today is all about!!

 Micah Reviews: The Dark Knight Rises.

Either they’re about to fight or Bane just stuck the landing after the most epic uneven bars routine ever… no idea which would be better.

The Plot:

(I’m keeping this rather short and VERY spoiler free for the sake of those of you who haven’t watched the movie yet.)

It’s eight years after the events of The Dark Knight and Batman hasn’t been seen since. Gotham seems to be enjoying a period of relative piece as the organized crime that haunted them for the last forever or so seems to have finally been beaten down. But lurking on the horizon like heartburn after Chili Cheese Fries is Bane! A merciless mercenary whose merciless mercenary mission is to mercilessly maim the piece and quite of Gotham!

Will Batman return? Will he be able to stop Bane and save Gotham once more? Why is Michael Cain so awesome? These questions and many more will all be answered over the course of the Dark Knight Rises!

I feel like my “Will Batman return” question was rhetorical. He always returns. Always.

The Pros:

An absolutely great ending to an Epic film Trilogy. There’s really no higher compliment I can give to this movie then: probably better than the Dark Knight. That said… I’m gonna give it more compliments.

Probably the best put together over all plot of the Trilogy. The movie kept you guessing, never dragged, and had several amazing moments to it that were all timed perfectly. The Dark Knight occasionally dragged and had very few huge reveals to it, not that I’m criticizing that movie (seeing as I practically proposed marriage to it) I’m just saying that if that movie was a triple malt shake, with extra whip cream. This is a triple malt shake with extra whip cream and a ten dollar bill on top of it.

New cast members do awesome! Tom Hardy is great as Bane, providing equal parts menace and intelligence while also looking like he eats school busses filled with adorable chinchillas for breakfast. Joseph Gordon-Levitt continues his run of awesomeness as a Gotham Cop, and Marion Cotillard doesn’t make me want to shoot her with poison tipped nerf gun (which is a big step up for her). Also:

Can we please leave Anne Hathaway alone? She was GREAT as Catwoman. I repeat: GREAT! I’m not even a big Anne Hathaway fan and I’ll admit that she was great. Playing a believable character with a lot of depth who was a ton of fun to watch on screen. Leave her alone.

Leave her alone.

Mad props to the awesome returning cast! Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, Martin Freeman, and the ever amazing Michael Caine just keep bringing the fire.

The Cons:

Umm…. Oh okay I got one.

I felt like the ending was foreshadowed just a little too much. I can’t say much more without giving it away but if you’ve seen the movie you probably know what I’m talking about. Not a huge deal obviously but there you have it. A con.

In Conclusion:

“A Batman is never late. He arrives precisely when he means to”… I am such a nerd.

A masterful ending to the best movie Trilogy I’ve watched since the Lord of the Rings. Shut up Star Wars fans, you know Return of the Jedi was a letdown. The thing with Star Wars is that the debate still rages on as to which was better: New Hope or Revenge of the Sith (movies four and five for those of you who aren’t cool enough to know or have fulfilling social lives outside of fantasy realities… And movies four and five are technically movies one and two… but they aren’t one and two cause those were horrible and… okay you know what. Nevermind. Just go back to raising your families or having friends who actually exist or whatever it is you people do.).

Anyway… nobody cares about Return of the Jedi, there were Jawas in it. The weakest of the Batman movies is the first one, they got progressively better as the characters and the world grew. Just the way a good Trilogy should. An epic storyline that spans all three movies (especially the last two were VERY well tied together) AND an amazing stand-alone movie The Dark Knight Rises definitely goes (and/or Rises) right to the top of my must see movie listings.

I give it 5 malicious mercenaries, out of 5.

So, first off, allow me to send a message to the person in the room next to me listening to the Newsies soundtrack: SHUT UP! You and your insufferable Christian Bale song which (if memory serves) he sings to a candle… and a potato. Or maybe just a potato… Admittedly I only watched the movie once and it was roughly four bajillion years ago but I distinctly recall a potato and a candle playing important parts in a musical number.

“You ever get the feeling you were meant to do something else?… I don’t know, like be batman or something…”

So I’m still recovering from the Epic slice of awesomeliness that was Avengers and still trying to work out some way to justify dropping more cash down to go watch it again just cause it’s a movie that you have to watch in theaters to really understand how completely awesome it is. Cause as sweet as I’m sure it will be to watch the Hulk punch an alien monster snake, in the comfort of my own home it is SO much more awesome to watch the Hulk punch an alien monster snake, in front of a screen roughly the size of a Sherman tank. All that aside though, let’s talk about vampires shall we? (none of the post above had anything to do with vampires. I blame this lack of transition on the fourth chorus of the Sante Fe song from Newsies.)

There are roughly four bajillion vampire movies in existence today, most of which (let’s be honest here) really really stink. Like really stink. This is because every hack movie maker in history has at one point sat down and thought to himself “Man you know what people like? Vampires. If I make a movie with a vampire in it I’m sure everyone will love me! Then I can become rich and move to Venezuela and eat banana’s all the live long day!!” The problem with that is the idea for your movie wasn’t: Here’s an awesome movie idea that happens to feature a vampire” but rather “I want to make a vampire movie what sort of dumb retarted plot can I come up with that aligns with my stupid vampire idea?”

Anyway though, all of these movies essentially boil down into three basic categories of vampirehood which I will outline below:

1: The “Vampires are soulless husks of men bent on the destruction and death of you and your mom and anyone you know who is mildly attractive.” typed movies.

This is certainly where Vampireism got it’s start in classic old timey sort of films, where the audio usually didn’t align and the only vampire around was Dracula who talked a lot about woman’s necks for some reason and if you looked into his eyes you would get all confused and think you were a drape. Or something.

“Oh no he didn’t!!!”

Anyway, we haven’t seen one of these sort of Vampire films in a good long while… I think the last “Vampire is a villain” movie I watched was Fright Night which was both A: Terrible and B: Really really terrible. The last movie like that I watched that I enjoyed was… man…. hang on… Van Helsing? I guess. And even that was more enjoyable because the movie fully embraced it’s personal way-over-the-topness.

Eventually (of course) the big wheel of Hollywood will spin around once more and the “new” fad will once more become the “Oh my goodness a vampire could eat me at any second” sort of movie.

Type 2: The “oh my hunky hunky love vampire” type.

Easily my least favorite and most stomach upsetting type of vampire this was (of course) popularized by dumb teenage girls who thought they would ruin something cool rather then just continuing to ruin things that weren’t cool anyway (Justin Bieber). This sort of Vampire either A: Is tragically misunderstood and doesn’t really eat humans at all. Or B: Is even more tragically understood and does eat humans but he doesn’t really want to he just has to sometimes cause people keep shooting him in the face or because his lab partner wears different perfume.

“Guyth, I jutht feel tho thparkly!!”
(you try writing with a lisp sometime!)

Obviously this is conceivably the worst idea ever and nearly ruined vampires for everyone. Don’t even get me STARTED on the complete retardity of Twilight cause that would be a roughly 4 million word rant on how dumb the idea of the movie is starting with the fact that Edward (despite being centuries old) is for some reason masquerading as a high school student because… why exactly? What sort of bizarre centuries old person (who happens to occasionally find himself hungering for human livers) says to himself “Ya know what I would like to try? High school! I hear that’s loads of fun and totally not filled with hundreds of innocent bystanders that I might accidentally eat!”

“Wait is he… sparkling??? NO!!!!”

Hopefully we’re getting close to the end of this particular craze as we seem to have run out of new ways to further debase vampires (and Dakota Fanning). There’s still one more Twilight movie that they’re making for some reason but as this one’s trailer already nearly broke my brain I’m going to try not to think too much about it too much.

Type 3: The “Vampires are awesome and will either save the world (and eat some people) or destroy the world (and eat everyone).”

If you so much as think about sparkling she will probably shoot your face in.

And now we get to my favorite sort of vampire movie! Movie’s like the excellent “Underworld” or the (slightly less excellent) Priest. Let’s talk about Underworld though as it is sort of the benchmark “vampires are still cool” series that we have going on right now.Underworld (the first one, I pretend the second one doesn’t exist) is about a secret underground war that has raged for centuries between the Vampires and the Lycans (werewolves). The movie had a great script, a cool new idea, and featured the ever excellent Michael Sheen as Lucian (the head Lycan) the action was awesome and the Vampires were a great mix between horrifying, cool, and relatable. I hold this up proudly against Twilight as definitive proof that Vampires can still be awesome!

The prequel “Underworld: Umm… The Prequel Title” was actually pretty good! Brining Michael Sheen back helped a lot and the third movie managed to avoid the problems that would have plagued the second movie if they had made it (which they did NOT) namely “stupid plots no one cared about.”

Michael Sheen: the only way to be a werewolf!

I haven’t watched Underworld 4 yet but I probably will at some point in the semi-near future. I’ll get back to you on that.

So there you have it. Three types of vampire Old School, New School, and School for the Mentally Handicapped. I’ll be back on Thursday for what will hopefully be a review of “The Grey” a movie that I somehow missed when it came out in theaters but that I have desperately desired to see!

Recently I was invited to a costume party. This was awesome! After all everyone loves a good costume party right? Of course after the brief euphoria and several visions of me striding through the house dressed as Ironman I came to an extremely awkward realization… I had no idea what I was going to wear.  And so instead of doing what any normal person would do: namely sit down and think rationally about things. I decided to sit here in my bed at an egregiously late hour and write about all the things I might be if I had time, money, and an entire legion of elderly grandmothers waiting to darn my socks into perfect replicas of the feet of Liam Neeson.

Thing 10: A bear… with a fish.

I have no idea on this one. It’s late. I like bears. Shut-up.

Behold the Majesty

9: Cloud 

No not a cloud. Cloud. Remember this is purelya list purely based on how awesome my girlfriend would think I was (assuming I had the time and resources to pull it off). I mean you give me spikey hair and a sword roughly four times larger than my body and it’s hard to really get more exciting than that right?

Girlfriend thinks I'm awesome. (Check) Wielding that sword completely impossible according to every law of physics ever. (Also check)

I played through Final Fantasy 7 (the game this character is from) once, when I was extremely sick for a week or so at school. FF 7 is a classic example of a game that everyone says “revolutionized the industry” but when you go back and play it you realize it’s really kind of dumb. Like someone saying that Pacman is a great game and that it is essentially the great grandfather of all the other games ever but let’s face it: in the end it was about a big dot eating little dots while being chased by slightly larger dots with squiggles on the bottom. I’ve been more entertained by the instructions to washing machines.

8. Some dude with a lightsaber

The important distinction here is that I would never actually go as a specific Jedi. That’s like jumping up and down and asking people to A: point out flaws in your costume, and B: you feeling the need to explain the entire background of the person your dressed as. For instance:

Geek A: You know Qui Gon Jinn wore brown boots not black boots right.

Me: Yeah but I didn’t have brown boots and I wanted to pay homage to an underappreciated performance by Liam Neeson so I figured whatever.

Geek A: You know Qui Gon parted his hair slightly to the right not slightly to the left right? Plus your grip on that lightsaber is all wrong. Qui-Gon used an athletic style of fighting whereas yours is more of a defensive stance.

Me: Allow me to introduce you to my friend Bear With a Fish.

Bear With a Fish: Growl. Chomp.

Geek A: I go to be with my fathers. I’m coming Yoda.

Bear With a Fish: Slurp.

Going as a random Jedi and or Sith lets you just have fun pretending to cast Jedi mind tricks without having to clean up after your Bear.

Jedi Anonymous: safer for everyone.

7. Sherlock Holmes

Ironically I would be torn here between going as Robert Downey Jr.’s Sherlock Holmes from “Sherlock Holmes” or going as Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock Holmes from the BBC series “Sherlock.” So just to recap I don’t know whether to go as Sherlock from Sherlock Holmes or Sherlock Holmes from Sherlock or even the original Sherlock from the Original Sherlock in the original Homes… Yeah… let’s just move on.

So much awesome. So little time.

6. War Machine

All my love to Robert Downey Jr. and Ironman but War Machine has what is quite possibly a gun directly from the bowels of an F-27 strapped to his shoulder. And I don’t think the F-27 gave it up willingly. Any suit that walks into a hanger and steals a gun from a plane that I’m pretty sure I just made up, more than deserves my patronage.

Sure he's not Robert Downey Jr. but when it comes to Robot suits of destruction: it's whats outs that counts.

5. Joseph Gordon-Levitt from Inception

Really the only downside to me wearing this outfit would be that I would consistently be trying to walk on the ceiling and punch people. Probably not the best way to make friends. Plus I feel like I would always be saying things like “are we really here? Is this party real? Are you real? Am I real? Is this vest real? Yes it is. And it’s awesome.”

Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the return of the vest.

4. Batman

There are two ways to dress as Batman!

Way 1: Be Christian Bale.

Christian Bale as Batman = awesome.

Way 2: Look like some really sad nerdy typed person wishing really hard he was Christian Bale so he could dress up as Batman. Remember in the Dark Knight how those guys who dressed as Batman but weren’t Christian Bale got shot, eaten by dogs, captured by the Joker, murdered, and thrown at a window? Yeah. Don’t get drawn in. As my mom used to say “it’s all good fun till someone kidnaps you locks you in a meat locker and throws you at a window.”

I had a weird childhood.

Weird cousin Ted as batman = meat locker.

3. The Doctor

The problem with dressing up as the Doctor is that it’s pretty much going to be the costume of choice for all moderately cool people this year. There are few things worse than showing up to a party and realizing that someone else is not only wearing the same costume as you but that theirs is better. At that point your only option is to either leave or attend the party as “Captain Rolled Up pants” which (trust me) is not as funny as it sounds.

So awesome. So over done.

2. The Joker

This option had the same problem as the Doctor a few years ago but you should be relatively safe at this point. Granted at least one or two people will spend the entire party being creeped out by you and everyone you talk to will make sure they keep out of pencil reach.

Remember the whole Dark Knight pencil trick thing? When I went and saw the movie for the first time me and my friend just about died laughing when that happened. The rest of the theater was utterly silent and everyone turned and stared at us, then promptly left the theater and called the police. It was great.

If you go as the Joker expect to be asked to say this. A lot.

1. Severus Snape

If you don't go to parties as Snape, Alan Rickman will be disappointed in you. Very. Disappointed.

Snape is the absolute perfect option for this years Halloween. He’s played by the ever awesome Allen Rickman. Is a relevant enough character that you won’t have to spend the entire evening answering the “So who are you?” question but won’t be thought of by enough people to validate you rolling up your pant legs, raiding the bathroom, and pretending your coming as an erstwhile plumber…. Which would actually be a decent costume. Let’s pencil in “Erstwhile plumber in short shorts” as number 11.

Anyway so there you have it. Numbers 1-10 (and sometimes 11) on the things Micah wishes he could wear to a costume party. Consequently over the process of writing this blog I’ve come up with my costume idea and will be proudly sporting it at said party. What is it you ask?

An Erstwhile Bear cleaning a drain and looking for a fish.

No seriously. Why would I tell you?