Posts Tagged ‘Box Office Top Ten’

Hey Internet, well guys, I’m not gonna lie to you… this time… It’s been a rough week. Rough seas. Rough hair. Rough bristles. Just rough. But not wanting to leave you entirely without my patented wisdom and sage council here’s a strongly abbreviated version of the Box Office Top Ten and what you should or shouldn’t be seeing this weekend.

Box Office Top Ten 4-6-2017

Number 10: The Zookeepers Wife

A woman who’s the wife of a Zookeeper who… fights the Nazi’s??? I think? But not in like a cool Dr. Doolittle of Death sort of way but more in a “this actually happened” sort of way… which is arguably better… arguably.

Number 9: CHIPS

This is the abbreviated version of the Top Ten so I’m gonna keep this short: don’t watch CHIPS. Ever. For any reason.

Number 8: Life

Not to be confused with the board game which teaches children all about how Life definitely won’t go. The movie ‘Life’ teaches us exactly how it would go if humans ever do find life on other planets! Namely: it will murder us all. Life is actually a decent movie with a great cast and you should check it out if you like the sort of ‘trapped in space, pseudo horror’ kind of thing.

Number 7: Get Out

Great horror movie. Go see it… unless you don’t like horror movies in which case: get out! (rim-shot)

Number 6: Logan

Great comic book movie. Go see it… unless you don’t like comic book movies in which case: get out!… hmm… something went wrong there.

Number 5: Kong: Skull Island

It’s hard to say whether Skull Island is good or not… I mean it’s got all the parts to a good movie, I’m just not sure if it puts them all together in the right order. If you’re a fan of the genre it’s definitely worth checking out and it COULD be really fun… but you might also think it’s slow and circular and doesn’t really give its great cast much to do… hard to say.

Number 4: Saban’s Power Rangers

It’s not terrible. It’s not great. It just exists. It’s the unbuttered toast of cinema… it just sort of exists.

Number 3: Ghost in the Shell

This movie looks great… but it isn’t great. Your eyes will be delighted… but your heart will be sad. Or bored. But you don’t hear about ‘the girl with the bored heart’ do you?

Number 2: Beauty and the Beast

It’s still a great movie. If you haven’t seen it, go to the theater and open thine eyes. Let the warmth of your childhood wash over you like a thousand clean linens and laundered doilies.

Number 1: Boss Baby

A kids movie for kids. Your kids will enjoy this but you will spend the entire movie on your phone trying to remember how to play soduko. It’s a fine kids movie, but that’s it.

So there you go guys, thanks for reading and thanks for sticking with us during these times. All should be back to normal for the website next week, and hey, why not use the time you saved by me only writing 500 words this week to check out my new podcast! Here’s the ling: http://www.thepsv.podbean.com thanks so much for reading!

 

 

Well hey Internet, and all w me to congratulate you on making it through most of Jefbruary! You’re so close to coming out of the bad neighborhood of the movie world. The raging and terrible landfill of Hollywood. Hollywood’s actual trashcan that they actually light on fire. You’ve almost survived. But what have you survived? Well let’s just take a looksee here shall we? Buy dusting off our oldest, and most comfortable pair of short-pants:

 

Box Office Top Ten: 2/16/2017

 

10. Sing

 

There is no greater Jefbruary tradition than the mediocre kids movie that is somehow still in theaters. This years entry, Sing, is a perfectly acceptable entry in the long line of “looks kids!! Things are happening” movies that just refuse to die in Jefbruary, because there aren’t any other movies around to kill them… that got dark quickly.

 

9. Lion

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You’ve got… you’ve got something on your face there man.

 

 

This is a good, uplifting, and awesome movie about… a guy who gets kidnapped. And then there’s a google camera involved and he’s trying to find his family. It’s very uplifting guys. You will be lifted right up there. Assuming you live near one of the two theaters currently showing this movie that is.

 

8. La La Land

 

I’ve talked a lot about this movie and I told everyone to see it about seven times already so… I mean see it. Assuming you live near the one theater that is still showing it.

 

7. Rings

 

Hey look, it’s another one of our favorite Jefbruary friends: the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad, horror movie. This one also managing to give us a two for one by being a completely unnecessary sequel no one asked for!! It’s the unwelcome drunk uncle of Jefbruary!! Thanks Rings!!

 

6. A Dog’s Purpose

dogs

I mean, every pickle happens for a reason too but there’s not “A Pickle’s Purpose” movie is there?

 

 

So… awkwardly this is a movie about how great dogs are that treated the dogs they used VERY badly, and is also a pretty bad movie. Who would have thought that a movie based around a ton of dogs dying and re-incarnating would end up being a downer?? The surprises never end.

 

5. Hidden Figures

 

I’m glad this movie is still around cause it’s important societally and a really good movie that everyone should watch!! I’m sad this movie is still around because there’s nothing sarcastic or mean that I can say about it. More like… Hidden Fingers!!… yeah that doesn’t work… and is creepy. Shoulda got out while the gettin’ was good.

 

4. Split

 

M. Night Sham-a-lama finally made a movie that doesn’t suck!! I mean, granted the conclusion is dumb because his mandatory ‘twist’ handcuffed his ability to give us a concrete ending… but whatever. It doesn’t suck. And James McAvoy is great. So yay?

 

3. John Wick: Chapter 2

jw2

Keanu Reeves has some questions for you…

 

 

I actually really liked John Wick. It was simple, straightforward, man action. It wasn’t a big movie that tried to teach you anything other than “always shoot the man in the head,” but it was just a great action movie. John Wick 2 is basically the same thing. Nothing fancy, nothing super challenging scriptwise, just some good old fashioned Keanu Reeves capping some not Keanu Reeves’s in the head.    

 

2. Fifty Shades Darker

 

First off, let me give you just a little credit internet: This was not the number 1 movie in its first week: I’m proud of you. Granted, it’s still number two, but hey, at least it’s not number 1. I know most of you know this but just so I have typed it: this is a TERRIBLE movie. No one should be surprised at this. It’s a sequel to a bad movie, based on bad books, that features bad actors, playing poorly written characters, based on even poorer written characters. It’s bad. And no one should be surprised by this.

 

1. The Lego Batman Movie

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And yet still better than Jared Leto’s joker.

 

 

I was kinda worried this movie wouldn’t be very good. It was a spin-off from a great movie, and a great character in that movie, but we’ve all seen that crash and burn. We all remember Kronk’s New Groove… especially right after I mention it. But Lego Batman was helped by the fact that it’s based on an existing character with a great cast of characters already established, and it turned out a really great movie!!

 

So there you go guys! Thanks for reading, and hang in there for another few weeks guys! You’ve almost made it through!

All right internet… after two weeks of desperately trying to ignore the entire movie industry in this particular movie month of Sucktember, I’ve finally run out of TV shows and must regrettably turn one weary eye back towards the Box Office… Oh September… what did we ever do to you?

Box Office Top Ten 9/20/2016

Number 10: Pete’s Dragon

Squeaking in at number 10 is Pete’s Dragon a pretty good kids movie that continues to survive at the box office through sheer, mind numbing lack of competition. Pete’s Dragon still exists in the top 10 because we can’t find another 11th movie. I can’t even say this is the best kids movie on the list, but it’s still on the list because no one else wants to be on the list. It’s September… and September is the worst.

Number 9: Kubo and the Two Strings

This is the kids movie to see, if you’ve got kids… who like seeing things. That are movies. Great story, great visuals, awesome voice cast: has made zero money. Because the world is a cold and cruel place, and people are dumb. Seriously, if you haven’t see this and you want to go the movies this is honestly probably the best movie to see right now.

kubo

He’s aiming at profits!!!… and missing.

 

Number 8: The Wild Life

Okay so… this is the story of Robinson Crusoe (literally he is in it) if Robinson Crusoe was written by a 10 year old… spaniel. Look, there’s nothing criminally horrible about The Wild Life (though it is pretty dang horrible,) but in a world (and a week) where we’ve come to expect more from our kids movies than just talking animals and low brow humor, The Wild Life just doesn’t cut it.

Number 7: Suicide Squad

A movie that (according to experts) continues to happen. I mean, it’s not the worst DC comics movie, it may actually be the best DC comics movie but it’s still pretty bad. Of course, the real shame is there’s a good movie with a talented cast buried somewhere underneath the horrible editing, bad script, and the huge “studio interference” sticker.

SuicideSquad

So much potential… so much waste.

 

Number 6: When the Bough Breaks

Now this, THIS is an irredeemably bad movie. Something something HORROR, SUSPENSE… something something, please never watch this.

Number 5: Don’t Breathe

A pretty decent horror movie if you’re into the “idiot kids do something stupid and then horrible things happen to them” genre. Which is a REAL specific genre.

Number 4: Snowden

Joseph Gordon-Levitt delivers a great performance in what is an otherwise bland movie. It’s not bad it’s just (as certain handsome blog owners predicted) very dry. It somehow makes one of America’s most controversial modern figures and turns him into a paint by the numbers hero without much to say. It’s not bad, it’s just not super well presented.

Number 3: Bridget Jones’s Baby

Somehow (and sadly if you’re me and hate this movie just for existing) this turned into a fine movie. Renee’ Zellweger delievers a very good performance and fans of the series will be more than please with its return. Fans of me will continue to stare at it angrily just for existing.

jones

It depresses me so much that this was a decent movie.

 

Number 2: Blair Witch

Okay, well at least one of the two, unnecessary, too late sequels sucked. And it was this one. Granted the first Blair Witch wasn’t nearly as good as we all thought it was at the time, but this Blair Witch is definitely as bad as we think it is now… I think. I’m confused. But I’m not confused about the horribly horrible badness of Blair Witch. Blair Witch: because sequels.

Number 1: Sully

The only movie at the box office that actually made any money this week, Sully tells the story of… well Sully. Tom Hanks stars as Chesley (real name) ‘Sully’ Sullenberger (no for real, that’s his name.) Who lands his plane full of passengers right on the Hudson River… and that’s a good thing.

sully

Oh sure, but when I do this with my car everyone gets SOOO upset.

 

So there you go guys, on the plus side Magnificent Seven is coming out soon and if you squint real hard you can see all those good movies coming out in November!! Come quickly good movie… come quickly.

Hello, friends, Internet, and creepy Uncle Ted’s and welcome back to the wonderful, frosting covered wonder that is Thoughts We Might Have Had. Today we return to that old favorite: The Box Office Top Ten, where we talk about the Box, the Office, and what you probably should never ever watch!! We’ve got ten movies to cover here, so why not just pull out our tiny crochet needles and make us some covers!!

Box Office Top Ten 8/2/2016

Number 10: The Legend of Tarzan

Look, if you haven’t seen the Legend of Tarzan yet, you probably won’t enjoy it. If this is your type of movie, with its shirtless men and it’s screamy gorillas, than you’ll probably enjoy it. But you’ve also probably already seen it. If this movie doesn’t look like it’s your kind of thing it’s really not good enough to change your mind. The plot is fairly generic, the characters are ones you’ve seen before, and you can go online at any time and look at pictures of shirtless men.

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Good with the running… bad with the bathing.

 

Number 9: Finding Dory

This movie just keeps hanging in there on the top ten list and I’ve run out of things to say about it. It’s great. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it. But you’ve seen it right? I mean what else are you doing with your time?? Ya nerd.

Number 8: Nerve

Not gonna lie, I have no idea what this movie is about. And I do not care. At all. Something something, teen movie. Don’t care.

Number 7: Ghostbusters

I’m so glad this movie is out and everyone seems to have stopped freeking out about it. It’s a movie guys, decent to pretty good movie starring a great cast with a script that never really entirely lives up to its full potential. It’s fine. It’s sad that this movie will be remembered mostly for all the controversy that swirled around it, but at least we can all find something else to do with our time now.

Number 6: Lights Out

A slightly above average horror movie with a monster that doesn’t want to come out in the light… ya know, like all monsters. Monster aside though, this movie manages to distinguish itself from its peers with a solid cast and some surprisingly intricate storytelling.

Lights-Out-Movie

This movie sponsored by Duke Energy.

 

Number 5: Ice Age: Collission Course

Look guys, Ice Age has had a surprisingly good run. One was great, two was kinda meh, but three and four were actually pretty good! That said: this is a REAL bad movie folks. Real bad. Just… please don’t watch it. Get one of the old movies (except for 2) and watch that… everybody wins that way. Except the makers of Ice Age: Collision Course, and those people should not win.

Number 4: The Secret Life of Pets

A perfectly acceptable kids movie about some pets. It doesn’t reach the emotional depth of Finding Dory, but neither does it really try to. It is, what it is, and it is fine. Good even, just don’t expect it to do your taxes or anything.

Number 3: Bad Moms

Look, you’ve seen this movie. Some moms get together and decide to do some very un-mom thing, only to learn that they love being moms (but also should indulge their wild side.) There. I save you ten dollars. You’re welcome, let’s move on.

Number 2: Star Trek Beyond

I was somehow SUPER wrong about this movie. I mean I was in no way excited for this, and thought it looked like just another sci-fi movie about some sci-fi stuff. Turns out Star Trek Beyond is a really great, fun entry in the series more along the lines with the fun, energy of the first movie than the more dour second one (which I really liked too.) Anyway, if you haven’t seen Star Trek Beyond yet, you really need to. It’s great… and I’m sorry I doubted you Star Trek. I’m so sorry….

Number 1: Jason Bourne

jason-bourne-2016-trailer-banner-matt-damon

You do know his name right?? We forgot for a while, seemed to think it was Jeremy Renner for a bit there.

 

Yeah, I know… it’s a dumb title. Watch this: The Bourne Resurrection. See how much better that is? See how it goes along with the rest of the series titles?? (The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Ultimatum etc.) The good news is that this bland, uninspired title, perfectly matches the bland and uninspired movie!! Look, there’s nothing criminally wrong with The Bourne Rebourning. It’s okay. There’s a decent car chase or two, and Matt Damon does well with Bourne (though Bourne has roughly the emotional range of a damp lint brush. But there’s really nothing here that does anything new for the series or the genre. It’s just more, slightly watered down Jason Bourne-ing.

So there you go guys, party on with your Donkey Kong, go see Star Trek and I will see you Friday!!

Internet! How’s tricks? Tricks here are roughly the same. The ball trick. The hidden nickel. Ya know: same tricks as usual. And speaking of them same tricks, seems like it’s been a little bit since we checked in at the old box office, and see what movies are high, what movies are low, and what movies probably shouldn’t be anywhere.

The Box Office Top Ten 7/12/2016

10. Sultan

Sultan is about umm… It’s uh… Yeah I’ve never heard of this before. Ever. Give ma  sec. Okay so, after carefully reading the summary for this film: I still have no idea what it’s about. Something about a man wrestler and then a lady wrestler and then… some wrestling. I don’t know. Go see it… I guess.

salman-khan-sultan-movie

I don’t… I don’t get it.

 

9. The Shallows

Blake Lively stars in a somewhat surprisingly taut and suspenseful movie about a woman, a shark, and there crazy love connection!! Oh wait no, sorry. I meant ‘murder’. Crazy murder connection.

8. Independence Day: Resurgence 

So… Remember how I said this looked like a really good movie and that I was excited about it?? Well it isn’t. It’s real bad. The first Independence Day is a really good 80’s movie that has certainly aged some, but actually still holds up pretty well. This movie just feels like a really bad 80’s movie that doesn’t hold up at all. It’s unfocused and poorly scripted and the good cast members (Jeff Goldblum and Liam Hemsworth) don’t really have as much to do as they should.

7. The BFG

bfg

Confused Giant is confused.

 

This is the first time I get to say this, this week, and I will be saying it a lot: this is a solid kids movie. It’s not great, but it’s very good, and well told and based on a cool concept. It’s very good. It doesn’t transcend the genre or anything but it sits very solidly in the genre’s upper tier.

6. Central Intelligence

Central Intelligence currently holds the “best comedy of the summer” flag. Granted it owes a huge amount of its success to the work of its leads (Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart) but it’s a fun, charming comedy, with a fun storyline. Which is more than can be said for most of the comedies that have tripped, clunkily into our lives this summer.

5. The Purge: Election Year

Yay, we made a third one… I mean it’s not the worst horror-esqu movie series ever (Hi, Paranormal Activity) but… it’s not good. You’d think there’d be more ideas out there then: “Everyone can murder everyone… because.”

purge

It’s okay, Ladies Libertys just going through a phase.

 

4. Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

A comedy that (very sadly) doesn’t live up to the sum of its cast. Anna Kendrick, Aubrey Plaza, Adam Devine, and Zach Efron are all perfectly talented people but the movie bounces around too much and you never really get a feel for any of the characters. It relies too much on individual sections of humor, and not enough on establishing fun characters and putting them in funny situations.

3. Finding Dory

Not a lot to say here, given that I already dropped a full review of this (here.) But suffice to say: If you haven’t seen this movie, you should see it. It does transcend the “kid movie” genre, and is a legitimately entertaining (and occasionally thought provoking) movie for the whole family.

2. The Legend of Tarzan

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Drink it in ladies, drink that sweet Sam Jackson mustache in.

 

As predicted by myself, there’s nothing horribly wrong with Legend of Tarzan, but there’s nothing super right with it either. It is roughly what you think it is. A movie about a dude without a shirt, the jungle, and someone who (for some vague reason) wants the jungle destroyed or something. It’s fine. If you like this sort of movie, or the idea of Tarzan this will be a perfectly fine movie for you. If not, it won’t be changing your mind.

1. The Secret Life of Pets

cat

My cats exact expression whenever I have milk.

 

If ‘Finding Dory’ is the film equivalent of a three course meal, than The Secret Life of Pets   is a happy meal. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s good fun, but it’s probably not what you want to build your life around watching. Secret Life of Pets is a fun adventure through an interesting world with a lot of very entertaining ideas. It doesn’t “transcend the kid movie genre” but it doesn’t really try to either. It just offers kids and parents a fun diversion for a few hours, and then trundles off to bed. I honestly had pretty low expectations for this, but it ended up being a perfectly respectable outing. So congrats TSLoP. Go shorten your name.

So there you go guys, the box office top ten! Check back on Friday, when I (for the good of the colony) watch the Original Pete’s Dragon and try and figure out what the hecks going on in there.

Well hey Internet, and welcome to the new week, a week where no more will I write a thousand words about musicals for some reason, but rather proceed to (as I am accustomed to) make fun of a mediocre list of movies, currently sitting in theaters.

 

Box Office Top Ten 6/21/2016

10. Captain America: Civil War

So, if you somehow haven’t seen this movie yet: go see it. It’s in the top 3 best superhero movies ever and you could certainly make the case for it being THE best superhero movie ever. Go see it. Put down that pizza, drops your tickets to X-men: Apocalypse, go see Captain America.

9. Me Before You

A heavy handed, poorly scripted, confusingly messaged movie about paralysis and special needs… you should probably just not watch this. It’s just… it’s not good.

8. Alice Through the Looking Glass

alice-through-the-looking-glass-poster-alice

A movie that makes roughly as much sense as that outfit.

 

Oh yeah… we got some gems in this pile my friends. The sequel no one asked for, to a movie very few people cared about. And to no one’s great surprise the uninspired sequel to an uninspired movie is VERY uninspiring. It’s just people pointing cameras at actors in weird costumes and making them say vaguely whimsical things. Basically go out in your backyard and try and find a duck to follow around for a few minutes. It’s basically the same thing… good luck finding that duck though.

7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Something Something Turtles.

Hey look! It’s ANOTHER uninspired sequel to an uninspired original!! If Alice Thought The Looking Glass is uninspired than TMNT 2 is… unin-good-in-anyway. The only thing vaguely defensible one can say about this mess is that they at least aim for the kids in the audience and hit them squarely at their own intelligence level. And no, that was not a compliment.

6. X-men: Apocalypse

Hey look again!! It’s ANOTHER OTHER uninspired sequel. Granted, it’s at least a sequel to a decent movie, but as I said in my review last week: it’s mostly just a lazy, paint by numbers, movie that distinguishes itself only in the places where it’s terrible. Like eating a hot dog, Apocalypse doesn’t have anything crazy wrong with it, but there’s really nothing there at all to make it anything better than its base parts.

5. Warcraft

warcraft

Orc dentists, the richest things around.

 

Well at least this is mostly an original movie… I mean it’s based on a game but still… new movie concept anyway. That said: it’s not real good. It’s not real bad either… it’ just sort of around. Which makes it fairly awesome by video game standards but, in the end, it gets crushed under the weight of its own world, its own poor acting, and its own ‘meh’ script. It’s fine, which is good for a video game movie, but it’s not a good movie, which isn’t fine… or something.

4. Now You See Me 2

Oh. My. Grootness. It’s another uninspired sequel. The storm just keeps on stormin.’ (unlike Storm in X-men… who didn’t really Storm very much at all.) Now You See Me 2 isn’t the worst movie on this list, but it’s basically all flash no substance, granted the original was mostly flash anyway, but this is probably more of a rental than it is a theatre movie. It’s fun and inventive and the visuals are interesting but the stories basically just a means to an end here and it makes about as much sense as the ending of the first movie, which is to say: none sense.

3. The Conjuring 2

At least this is a semi-inspired sequel. If you’re into horror this is one of the few franchises still churning out palatable movies so… that’s something I guess. It’s not as good as the first one, but it’s still better than practically everything else going on in the horror genre right now so: hold me closer tiny dancer. I mean: r-e-s-p-e-c-t tell me what it means to me. This isn’t going well at all.

2. Central Intelligence

Central-Intelligence-poster

Turns out Dwayne Johnson is real big. Just in case you hadn’t noticed.

 

In a summer filled with terrifyingly bad comedies, Central Intelligence is a pretty decent one. It gets by mostly on the strength of its two leads (Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart) but the script is above average and the story on the whole is pretty good. It’s a real solid movie with decent laughs, and earnest leads who carry the movie to the finish.

1. Finding Dory

And guess what: it’s finally an inspired sequel! Finding Dory isn’t Finding Nemo but it’s pretty danged close. Brilliantly voiced, tightly scripted, and lovingly made Finding Dory makes up for its flaws by emphasizing it’s fantastic cast of well rounded, believable characters. Whether you are a kid, were a kid, have kids, or make your own kids using straw and toothpaste this is a movie you need to see… though maybe not that last guy. The creeper.

dory

Yes, I know, it was a weird thing to type okay? Geeze.  

 

And there you have it gang, another day, another top ten! Thanks so much for reading and we’ll see you Friday.

Well Internet, here we are! Our summer questions done, our movie reviews… reviewed… and things. So what say before we get whisked away by our next fun filled, sarcasm riddled, movie venture we check in with our local movie movie theaters and see where things stand in the great ladder of cinema?? Well, hopefully you answered yes because… that’s what we’re doing. Feedback is an issue on this one way website thing…

Box Office Top Ten 5/24/2016

10. Mother’s Day

Slinking in at number 10 like the last, ugliest slug in those famous Slug Parades of yore, is Mother’s Day. A movie that delicately balances the line between being horribly offensive to women, and being horribly offensive to humanity on the whole. Featuring a cast of uninteresting has beens, and a script based off of a dead pigeons vodka induced nightmare, Mother’s Day will hopefully be quickly swallowed by that sweet sweet embrace of movie death. Let’s never speak of it again.

9. The Huntsman: Winters War

the-huntsman-winters-war

Sure the mirror is great for questions and summoning’s but it’s the worst for applying makeup.

 

The Huntsman: Winters War is umm… Look: if you liked the first movie, you’ll probably like this. The visuals are interesting, the cast all deliver fairly solid performances, but the action and the script let the movie down. There’s nothing horribly wrong with Winters War, but there’s also nothing horribly right with it. If it’s in your wheelhouse you’ll probably like it, if not to quote that famouse city of New York “Fugget about it.”

8. Zootopia

Easily the best kids movie in theaters and the best one released this year. There are a couple other decent kids movies on the list, but if you haven’t see thing one: go see it.

7. The Darkness

6 Miranda Dr.

The cast of The Darkness reads the reviews of the movie.

 

Umm… So this is a horror movie. And it’s real bad. I’m submitting a formal request to Kevin Bacon to change his name after being in this movie. You’re a disgrace to the good named of ‘Bacon’ Kevin. I dub thee: Kevin Vegemite. Something that is maybe okay in small doses if used sparingly. It’s the perfect name.

6. Money Monster

A ‘meh’ action/suspense movie that wastes George Clooney and forgets that Julia Roberts stopped really mattering years ago. It also weirdly has message that boils down to “You probably shouldn’t take people hostage and wave guns around… unless you REALLY want to, and you REALLY think you’re right. Then I guess it’s okay.”

5. The Jungle Book

Another great kids movie/kind of adult movie currently in theaters. I’ve talked a lot about this and frankly haven’t seen it yet but by all accounts: it’s very good. I’ll see it at some point… maybe. I mean, let’s face it: I’m not even close to the target audience for this movie and while I might eventually rent it on DVD or something, The Jungle Book is a story I’ve seen before and don’t feel super motivated to see again just cause we threw a fresh coat of paint on it. I have nothing against it, but I also have nothing for it… or something.

4. The Nice Guys

Shane Black makes movies mostly for Shane Black movie fans. It’s an R rated action comedy movie starring a thoroughly off his meds Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling taking most of Crowe’s meds, The Nice Guys is actually a pretty fun ride. It’s nothing that’ll change your life or anything but it’s a genuinely fun movie starring two actors who have surprisingly good chemistry and throw themselves into things full bore.

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Oh and the movie is set in the 70’s. Just in case you couldn’t tell from the everything in this picture.

 

3. Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising

It’s like that first Neighbors movie except umm… Women? As far as R rated comedy goes this isn’t bad, but it’s not especially great and lacks the originality that helped the first one along. Not much new to see here.

2. Captain America: Civil War

Ran a full review of this last week but suffice to say: this movie is awesome. The cast, the writing, the action, and the fighting are all top notch. It’s the best movie I’ve seen so far this year and tells a great, tight, story with characters that they’ve spent the last 5 years building. Also: Spiderman.

1. The Angry Bird Movie (for some reason)

angry burds

Why?? Why did they make this movie????

 

So basically Angry Birds is exactly what I thought it would be. It’s fine. It’s not great, it’s not terrible. It just sort of exists. It’s not a movie we needed or asked for, but it’s the movie we were given. And now it exists. You’re welcome, America.

Well hey Internet, and welcome to another week in a month that can’t seem to make up its mind whether it wants to be spring or not. April, you’re spring. I promise. I know it’s hard sometime, what with winter standing next to you looking all dark and menacing with its beard all full of snowman, and crushed dreams and Jack Frost biting noses or whatever. But you’re spring, April. Be brave.

And on with the show:

Box Office Top Ten: 4/12/2016

10. Eye in the Sky

A movie starring Helen Mirren and Aaron Paul, Eye in the Sky is a taught, well told, political thriller. Good luck finding a theater showing it though! Ironically about a movie centering around drones that see everywhere: you can’t see this thing anywhere.  Also: Alan Rickman, is in this. Sadness.

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We miss you, Allen.

 

9. 10 Cloverfield Lane

Another great, very well told suspense movie Cloverfield Lane is not just for fans of the original Cloverfield. In fact the two have practically nothing to do with each other. They aren’t sister movies, so much as they are second cousin movies who have never met, or spoken to one another. Cloverfield was kind of clunky, and poorly shot, and basically was one semi-effectual gimmick away from being just another dumb monster movie. Cloverfield Lane is well shot, brilliantly acted, and very well streamlined. It’s great. Go see it (assuming you can find it.)

8. The Divergent Series: Allegiant

Speaking of clunky movies: Allegiant. The Hunger Games movie kind of got progressively worse (though 2 was still very good) and the Divergent Series seems to be following the Hunger Games straight down the steep steep landslide into terrible. The first movie in the series was tolderable, the last two have been nigh on unwatchable. It’s a shameful waste of Shailene (yes that’s how you spell her name) Woodley, but not as much of a shameful waste as the people whose time was wasted watching it.

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“Wait, I can’t leave until I do another one of these?”

 

7. God’s Not Dead 2

It’s basically that “God’s Not Dead” movie just… again. Even in the niche genre of “Christian Movies” this is pretty bad. Not unlike the incredibly polar opposite genre the Horror movie, Christian movies can be really good, but tend to mire themselves down too much with sticking to tired tropes and feeding their existing fan base, but not really focusing on telling good stories, or writing complete characters.

6. Miracles From Heaven

Another Christian Genre movie, Miracles From Heaven is MUCH better then God’s Not Dead 2 (or GND2 as I will now refer to it.) It’s by no means The King Speech or anything but Jennifer Garner delivers a great performance in the lead and the characters are more rounded and the story more balanced.

5. Hardcore Henry

And speaking of Genre movies, here’s Hardcore Henry. An interesting idea, and definitely a movie aimed squarely at action fans, Hardcore Henry doesn’t even really bother with a story so much as it moves one hot person from one place to another and then make the main character (Henry as you may have assumed) chase her. It’s basically Mario… if Mario were an insane psychopathic murderer with a camera in his head… So not that much like Mario.

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Kill EVERYONE!!!

 

4. My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

What’s that?? A sequel that came FAR too late, and that no one really wanted turned out not have any original ideas and lacked any sort of narrative structure or humor??? And is getting slammed by critics. Man. That is shocking. If only I had been saying that on this blog since this movie was announced. Seriously Hollywood, why did you make this??? Who thought this was a good idea??

3. Zootopia

Really the only widely available must see movie on this list, Zootopia still sits at a whopiing 98% on Rotten Tomatoes. Funny, inventive, and heartfelt Zootopia isn’t quite up there with Inside Out, but it is still a great movie that you should see regardless of the presence of small children in your life. And that you should DEFINITELY take your small children to see. By the time you get out of there it may be time for them to go to bed, And isn’t that the best time?

2. Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

Somewhat shocking to find BvS at number 2 already but word of mouth is KILLING this movie. Even I can’t fully recommend going to see this, that said, it’s not terrible. I mean it’s not Fantastic 4. I’d even say, it’s better than Man of Steel (though not by much.) BvS’s big problem is that it was made by a person with what could charitably called a “lack of regard” for the characters he’s working with. Zach Snyder directs a good fight scene, but he hasn’t built a good world or interesting characters to inhabit the space between those fights.

1. The Boss

The talented duo of Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Bell turn in a VERY by the numbers comedy that doesn’t really make use of neither the talent, nor the duoness it has at its disposal. The jokes these two have to work with bring this whole movie crashing down around itself and it’s a shame that it never lives up to the strength of its cast.

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“Yeah… sorry kid. I don’t want to be here either.”

So there you go guys! The top ten, with a sad sad amount of bottomness involved. Check back Thursday for more excitement, more thrills, more thoughts… we might have had.

Internet! Hello and how are ya?? How’s the new year treating you? Do you realize we are, somehow, almost out of January??? I mean that’s a little crazy, right? My how time flies when you’re… in January. Anyway, wherever you are in the world, hopefully you’re living good times, making good rhymes, and umm… ringing some chimes in 2016.

 

So that was the uplifting part of this blog, now onto the bad news: namely, there still aren’t many good movies in theaters. As a demo of that here are the top ten movies at the box office and the 3 of those movies that you should actually watch.

 

Box Office Top Ten 1/26/2016

10. The Big Short

 

Our first actually watchable movie is also the one that’s pretty much not in any theaters. It’s a great ensemble movie despite being about… the financial crises??  Maybe?? Something having to do with confusing housing/money dealings but it’s got a great cast, a solid script, and an interesting way of explaining it’s more complicated concepts. It also has an R rating so be advised, but it’s a good movie on the whole and that is a rare, rare thing in these times. In fact the next… 7 movies I’m about to list are all things that you should not watch unless you are desperate, and hate yourself, and want to corrode your brain until it resembles nothing so much as a seventy year old spoon at the bottom of the ocean.

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So it turns out bearded Brad Pitt, is the best Brad Pitt.

 

9. Norm of the North

 

The first time I saw the phrase: twirking bear. I assumed it was just a statement about the bad animation or the fact that the movie was superficial and shallow and stupid and reminded people of Miley Cyrus, but no. Apparently there is an actual twirking polar bear in this literal garbage pile of a movie. Literally: It’s a garbage pile. Do not watch this.

8. Daddy’s Home

 

An utterly forgettable comedy starring Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. I would tell you about this movie and why it’s so forgettable… but I forgot.

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Wait… what movie is this??

 

7. 13 Hours: The Soldiers of Something Something Michael Bay Movie

 

Look, this movie isn’t terrible. Okay… it’s at least only a little terrible. I mean it’s a Michael Bay movie, so the characters are bland and uninteresting, the story doesn’t make a lot of sense, but the action is decent. John Krasinski is pretty good and raises the question: What if Marvel had cast him as Captain America instead of Chris Evans??? What sort of world would THAT be???? Basically the same. I mean they’re both fine. So… that was anti-climactic.

6. The 5th Wave

 

Yet another attempt at being the Hunger Games, the 5th Wave has something to do with Aliens, and a young plucky woman standing up for her family and love and everyones right to whistle… or something. Basically you can go to a theater, pay ten dollars, and watch this. Or you can stay home, open up Netflix, and watch the Hunger Games… which are better. I’m just gonna close this case now… maybe leave it here.

5. The Boy

 

Oh no. It’s a horror movie about little, fake, boy doll with some creepy parents and it turns out the boy is alive and a ghost, and his parents were somehow involved in his death. How novel and shocking and new. Yay.

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What do you mean this horrifyingly evil child turned out to be evil???

 

4. Dirty Grandpa

 

This year’s annual: look at all the stupid vulgar things we can make people do/say/talk about when we pay them all this money!  Look I don’t mind edgy humor, I think it can be hilarious if done well, this isn’t done well. This is done lazily  and cliché-ly where rather than coming up with legitimately funny things, the writers just thought how they could demean/offend people and went with that. Oh goody.

3. Ride Along 2

 

And what would this sad, tired, top ten list be without a tired, sad, sequel that wastes a good cast by surrendering to the inevitable march of having to make another movie because: money. If you want to watch a Ride Along movie, just go watch the first one. Don’t watch this. It’s the worst.

2. Star War:s Episode 7- The Force Awakens

 

Yup, this is still hanging around out here. Look, I’ve talked A LOT about this movie but suffice to say: It’s awesome. If I hadn’t already seen it twice, I would go watch it again. Heck if I had the time/income/not anti-socialness I would go a third time. It’s a party in your nostalgia. Get up on it.

1. The Revenant

A movie that basically amount to 2 hours of watching Leonardo DiCaprio suffer. I mean if you like Leo it’s great cause he gives a great performance, and if you don’t like him, it’s great because he literally gets killed by a bear. Like literally. A bear killed him. On the set. In real life.

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“Okay so you said we would CG that bear right? Right???????”

 

And there you go gang, the top ten. The best of the mediocre. The last of the January box offices.

In a final side note, recently I was asked by the great folks at MoviePilot.com to join up with their website, and I (being me) of course accepted and am now spreading the joy of Thoughts we Might Have Had over there!! So check out my first article on there about Alan Rickman’s Top Ten movie by clicking the link here! I’m gonna be posting both places so if you’re a fan of little of old me go ahead and follow me both places just to make sure you don’t miss a single Thought… That I Might Have Had.

Well hey gang, we’ve been bouncing all over this here internet in the past few weeks, what with Comic Strips, and Grosses and what all so I figured it might be nice to sit down on the old couch, light a fire, and talk about the box office. The big bad box office of November a month with a real real high highest movie and a real real low lowest movie. Let’s rock it out!

Box Office Top Ten 11-16-2015

Number 10: The Last Witch Hunter

Tripping into the box office’s top spot with an audible face to the ground ‘thunk’ is Vin Diesels the Last Witch Hunter. Vin Diesel does his traditional ‘growly growly mumble growl’ acting with all the gusto and ‘charisma’ we’ve come to expect from him but the movie just doesn’t have any kind of coherent plot or vague directional strength. It’s just sort of the film equivalent of throwing a bunch of gravel at a wall and then letting Vin Diesel growl at that gravel all about how much he wants to stab some witches. It’s not great. Or good.

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Beard fest 2015: Bearder and Badder then ever.

 

Number 9: Hotel Transylvania 2

And speaking of not good, here’s Hotel Transylvania!! The very definition of ‘well… that was a movie.’ Granted ‘that was a movie’ is about as high as Adam Sandler can shoot for at this point so maybe we should look on the bright side and say that as long as he’s making these mediocre but mostly harmless children’s movies, he’s not making ridiculously horrendous, mind numbingly stupid adult movies… so that’s something.

Number 8: Prem Ratan Dhan Payo

Wait, what? I don’t… I’m not even sure what I just typed up there. Hang on a sec…  ‘A charitable, happy-go-lucky man (Salman Khan) embarks on a mission to meet a generous princess (Sonam Kapoor) who helps people.’ So that seems… good? Right?? It’s a Bollywood movie so, that’s pretty cool. That said, I have no idea what this title means and I’m not exactly sure if I’m allowed to type it in front of the eyes of children.

Number 7: Bridge of Spies

Tom Hanks stars in a movie about a Bridge… which is spied on?? Or a bridge made of spies??? Regardless, Stephen Spielberg directed it so you know its got to be good right? I mean Spielberg could direct a damp towel in a production of Flowers for Algernon and I’d probably still be tearing up by the end of things.

Number 6: Goosebumps

It’s  a kid-ish horror-ish comedy-ish sort of movie starring Jack Black… ish. It’s a decent movie that gets by on charm, and variety more then any kind of strength in character or script but it’s a fun romp through some horror-ish settings and especially if you were a fan of the book series you’ll have an enjoyable ride here.

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It’s like School of Rock, but with monsters!! Which actually I would sign up for.

 

Number 5: The 33

Antonio Banderas leads the charge in a movie telling the story of the Chilean miners who were trapped for 69 days without any outside food, water, or print outs of my articles. What could be more terrible??? It’s a good movie but it’s nothing insane or groundbreaking. It’s weird to say about a movie like this, but The 33 just doesn’t push the envelope far enough and ends up just sort of blending in with the crowd of other ‘inspiring survival story’ movies. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not a great thing either.

Number 4: The Martian

The highest rated movie on this list on Rotten Tomatoes, The Martian tells a great story about Mark Watney, an astronaut abandoned on Mars and forced to jury rig together enough supplies to survive. I’m currently reading/listening to the book on this and it is also very good, as is this movie. There’s a reason it’s hanging around this high on the list after so many weeks in Theaters. If you haven’t made the time to see this yet, I would hop along to your little work shop, pulls out your hammer and nails, and make that time Cherry Wine!!

That won’t be a thing… I promise.

Number 3: Love the Coopers

Hey look, it’s a mediocre movie with a shoddy script, starring the plaster covered death face of Amanda Seyfried. It’s a wonderful Holiday tradition!! Wait, John Goodman??? Get out of there John Goodman!! Save yourself!! Go voice another beloved animated character! Stay away from Amanda!!

Number 2: The Peanuts movie

Charlie Brown returns to the big screen with a resounding missed kick of a football. The Peanuts movie is a great, relaxed, journey through the fantastic mind of Charles Schulz. It’s not a movie that tries to be anything other then what it is, so if you’re looking for an ‘Inside Out’ make you cry your childhood out through your eyes, style experience that’s not what you’re getting here. What you are getting is a funny, sweet, and endearing story of everyones favorite underdog and his dog. Of Underness.

Number 1: Spectre

A James Bond movie that critics have universally agreed is: ‘A movie, that features James Bond.’ Spectre continues the Daniel Craig run of Bond movies, introducing new villains, new ladies, and some classic ejector seat action. At this point, you know exactly what this movie is if you’ve seen any of the other Craig Bond movies. It’s not as good as Casino Royale, it’s WAY better then Quantum of Solace and it’s right in the same neighborhood as Skyfall. It’s fine. Passable. James Bond things happen. Daniel Craig has been VERY vocal about his (for lack of a better term) ‘Bond fatigue’ and while Spectre is still well worth watching much like it’s lead actor the Craig Bond movies are starting to lose some of their luster. Probably the best thing these movies have going for them right now is the guy playing Q and he’s only in the thing for like ten minutes.

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Behind these glasses is a man who has lost all hope.

 

I feel like this is all coming across as very negative but it really shouldn’t. There’s nothing wrong with Spectre, it’s just not anything you haven’t seen before. If you’re a fan of the Craig run (which let the record, show I am,) you’ll be a fan of this. If not, there’s really nothing here to change your mind.

And there you have it Internet, a nice, fireside chat just like we used to have before all these new fangled countdowns, and comic strip offs… Okay, I’ll admit that sounded WAY weirder when I typed it then I though it would. The comic strips weren’t stripping off, I was facing them off, and they are comic strips… somehow this isn’t getting any better so I’m just gonna stop while I’m only marginally behind. I’ll catch ya on the flip side.