Posts Tagged ‘box office results’

Hey Internet, well guys, I’m not gonna lie to you… this time… It’s been a rough week. Rough seas. Rough hair. Rough bristles. Just rough. But not wanting to leave you entirely without my patented wisdom and sage council here’s a strongly abbreviated version of the Box Office Top Ten and what you should or shouldn’t be seeing this weekend.

Box Office Top Ten 4-6-2017

Number 10: The Zookeepers Wife

A woman who’s the wife of a Zookeeper who… fights the Nazi’s??? I think? But not in like a cool Dr. Doolittle of Death sort of way but more in a “this actually happened” sort of way… which is arguably better… arguably.

Number 9: CHIPS

This is the abbreviated version of the Top Ten so I’m gonna keep this short: don’t watch CHIPS. Ever. For any reason.

Number 8: Life

Not to be confused with the board game which teaches children all about how Life definitely won’t go. The movie ‘Life’ teaches us exactly how it would go if humans ever do find life on other planets! Namely: it will murder us all. Life is actually a decent movie with a great cast and you should check it out if you like the sort of ‘trapped in space, pseudo horror’ kind of thing.

Number 7: Get Out

Great horror movie. Go see it… unless you don’t like horror movies in which case: get out! (rim-shot)

Number 6: Logan

Great comic book movie. Go see it… unless you don’t like comic book movies in which case: get out!… hmm… something went wrong there.

Number 5: Kong: Skull Island

It’s hard to say whether Skull Island is good or not… I mean it’s got all the parts to a good movie, I’m just not sure if it puts them all together in the right order. If you’re a fan of the genre it’s definitely worth checking out and it COULD be really fun… but you might also think it’s slow and circular and doesn’t really give its great cast much to do… hard to say.

Number 4: Saban’s Power Rangers

It’s not terrible. It’s not great. It just exists. It’s the unbuttered toast of cinema… it just sort of exists.

Number 3: Ghost in the Shell

This movie looks great… but it isn’t great. Your eyes will be delighted… but your heart will be sad. Or bored. But you don’t hear about ‘the girl with the bored heart’ do you?

Number 2: Beauty and the Beast

It’s still a great movie. If you haven’t seen it, go to the theater and open thine eyes. Let the warmth of your childhood wash over you like a thousand clean linens and laundered doilies.

Number 1: Boss Baby

A kids movie for kids. Your kids will enjoy this but you will spend the entire movie on your phone trying to remember how to play soduko. It’s a fine kids movie, but that’s it.

So there you go guys, thanks for reading and thanks for sticking with us during these times. All should be back to normal for the website next week, and hey, why not use the time you saved by me only writing 500 words this week to check out my new podcast! Here’s the ling: thanks so much for reading!



Internet!! I am sick, my wife is sick, morale is low in the camp. The camp is low in morale. And the rain in Spain falls mainly on teams that are statistically eliminated from the world cup (SPORTS REFERENCE!) As such I will be posting a full post of pontification tomorrow but here is a brand new feature that I will probably only do this one time called…

The Box Office Top Ten (in two sentences)

Let’s. Do it.

Number 10: Chef

A little movie about a little Chef with a little chef van… thing. It is (ironically) only showing in a very small amount of theaters so if you’re the sort of person who enjoys snooty movies about snooty food this is for you (assuming you live near a snooty theater.)

Number 9: Neighbors 

A movie about a guy with a family who lives next to a guy that throws a lot of un-family friendly parties. This movie is also un-family friendly but if you have an un-family with you wen you go see it, it’s supposed to be pretty funny (word of caution: It’s rated R).

Number 8: A Million Ways to Die in the West 

A movie that (according to reviews) used all of it’s best jokes in the trailers, you might as well just save some money and watch the trailer two or three times and then go see a different movie. And this is my second sentence which (thanks to my first sentence) I don’t actually have much to do with.

Number 7: Godzilla 

A giant Lizard beats up some other giant things. I reviewed it here.

Number 6: X-Men: Days of Future Past 

X-men travel back in time so that the guy who invented some giant death robots doesn’t get murdered, so that the people who make the giant death robots won’t think they need giant death robots because the guy who invented them got murdered (surprisingly that one sentence actually works pretty well for this movie.) Also: I reviewed it here.

Number 5: The Fault in Our Stars 

Sad stuff happens. Sad, sad stuff.

Number 4: Edge of Tomorrow 

Tom Cruise dies a lot. Yay!!!

Number 3: Maleficent 

Angelina Jolie plays a classic Disney villain in a movie that has virtually zero similarities with the original movie it’s based on. I reviewed the whole thing here.

Number 2: How to Train Your Dragon 2 

The cast of How to Train Your Dragon 1 does some more stuff with some things that weren’t in that movie. It’s supposed to be pretty good so if you liked the first movie you should watch this movie, and if you didn’t like the first movie… are you a zombie???

Number 1: 22 Jump Street 

The sequel to 21 Jump Street, 22 Jump Street is essentially 21 Jump Street except… no it’s basically 21 Jump Street again.  I guess if you liked 21 Jump Street you should watch this and just pretend it’s the extra directors cut off the first movie.

There!! The entire box office, two sentences. All the sudden all those other box office reviews I did seem super superfluous huh? Anyway, see you all tomorrow when I will (hopefully) be back on the health train!!

Hey everyone and welcome to Thursday famed for its chili, its coastal views, and for being the day before Friday (as told to us long ago by Rebecca Black.) Today though is a special Thursday, a Thursday that will no doubt be remembered forever because of… reasons. I think.

But as far as the blog goes it’s probably gonna be fairly straightforward. For those of you who have asked: no I haven’t seen Spiderman 2 yet… or the Amazing Spiderman 2… or the Extraordinary Awesome Spiderman 2 of Sweetness… whatever it is we’re calling that thing. I haven’t seen it. What I have seen though are the box office top ten!! And thusly I present…

The Box Office Top Ten 5/15/2014

Number 10: Brick Mansions

Paul Walker’s very last movie Brick Mansions is (with all due respect) kind of a terrible movie. Not as terrible as some movies on this list but still pretty terrible. Something about dystopian Detroit (which is to say: Detroit) and a lot of mansions and an even bigger mansion  run by some policemen. It’s all very confusing, and now I’m done with it.

Number 9: Divergent

Hey this thing is still around!! Tris still confused as to which particular group of complete jerks she should join, before joing the biggest jerks and being surprised that everyone treats her like a jerk. (I wrote a full review here)

Number 8: Legend of Oz: Dorothy’s Return

Yeah… I don’t care. Don’t watch this.

At what point did we think this was a good idea?

At what point did we think this was a good idea?

Number 7: Mom’s Night Out

I promise you’ve seen this movie. Over-worked mom goes out to enjoy a night off and various hilarious hijinks ensue and mom learns that she loves her life and bla-de bla bla. You’ve seen it, you’ve done it, you’ve owned it and you have probably enjoyed those versions more than this one.

Number 6: Rio 2

I have yet to meet an actual person who has watched either of these movies. I begin to be convinced that the whole thing was funded by a rich Russian billionare who really likes blue birds and flight related comedy.

Number 5: Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Still going strong with snappy dialogue and spangly shields, if you haven’t seen Captain America you should watch it. Now. Go. … Are they gone?

Number 4: Heaven is for Real

A movie about a guy named Todd Burpo… tee-hee and his little boy who almost dies or does die, or might die. Could die. Something about dying… and he sees Heaven. And it’s for real. Or for realsies.

Number 3: The Other Woman

Remember a few weeks ago when I told you this was a terrible movie? It still is.

The Other Woman: Cause coming up with new ideas is hard.

The Other Woman: Cause coming up with new ideas is hard.

Number 2: Amazing Spiderman 2

Very surprising that Amazing Spiderman 2: Electro’s Electric Boogaloo got taken down already but is still made 35.5 Million last week so… it’s not exactly hurting for cash. That said most people have agreed that Amazing Spiderman 2 is pretty good (if not awesome) but I shall have to judge such things for myself… eventually.

Number 1: Neighbor’s

A surprisingly well reviewed Seth Rogan comedy Neighbors tells the story of a young couple forced to live next to a frat house. It’s supposedly (as I have not seen it) funny. And also VERY rated R. Very.

So there you go goes. The top ten of ye olde box office. Hail, farwell, and have a good weekend!