Posts Tagged ‘Blair Witch’

All right internet… after two weeks of desperately trying to ignore the entire movie industry in this particular movie month of Sucktember, I’ve finally run out of TV shows and must regrettably turn one weary eye back towards the Box Office… Oh September… what did we ever do to you?

Box Office Top Ten 9/20/2016

Number 10: Pete’s Dragon

Squeaking in at number 10 is Pete’s Dragon a pretty good kids movie that continues to survive at the box office through sheer, mind numbing lack of competition. Pete’s Dragon still exists in the top 10 because we can’t find another 11th movie. I can’t even say this is the best kids movie on the list, but it’s still on the list because no one else wants to be on the list. It’s September… and September is the worst.

Number 9: Kubo and the Two Strings

This is the kids movie to see, if you’ve got kids… who like seeing things. That are movies. Great story, great visuals, awesome voice cast: has made zero money. Because the world is a cold and cruel place, and people are dumb. Seriously, if you haven’t see this and you want to go the movies this is honestly probably the best movie to see right now.

kubo

He’s aiming at profits!!!… and missing.

 

Number 8: The Wild Life

Okay so… this is the story of Robinson Crusoe (literally he is in it) if Robinson Crusoe was written by a 10 year old… spaniel. Look, there’s nothing criminally horrible about The Wild Life (though it is pretty dang horrible,) but in a world (and a week) where we’ve come to expect more from our kids movies than just talking animals and low brow humor, The Wild Life just doesn’t cut it.

Number 7: Suicide Squad

A movie that (according to experts) continues to happen. I mean, it’s not the worst DC comics movie, it may actually be the best DC comics movie but it’s still pretty bad. Of course, the real shame is there’s a good movie with a talented cast buried somewhere underneath the horrible editing, bad script, and the huge “studio interference” sticker.

SuicideSquad

So much potential… so much waste.

 

Number 6: When the Bough Breaks

Now this, THIS is an irredeemably bad movie. Something something HORROR, SUSPENSE… something something, please never watch this.

Number 5: Don’t Breathe

A pretty decent horror movie if you’re into the “idiot kids do something stupid and then horrible things happen to them” genre. Which is a REAL specific genre.

Number 4: Snowden

Joseph Gordon-Levitt delivers a great performance in what is an otherwise bland movie. It’s not bad it’s just (as certain handsome blog owners predicted) very dry. It somehow makes one of America’s most controversial modern figures and turns him into a paint by the numbers hero without much to say. It’s not bad, it’s just not super well presented.

Number 3: Bridget Jones’s Baby

Somehow (and sadly if you’re me and hate this movie just for existing) this turned into a fine movie. Renee’ Zellweger delievers a very good performance and fans of the series will be more than please with its return. Fans of me will continue to stare at it angrily just for existing.

jones

It depresses me so much that this was a decent movie.

 

Number 2: Blair Witch

Okay, well at least one of the two, unnecessary, too late sequels sucked. And it was this one. Granted the first Blair Witch wasn’t nearly as good as we all thought it was at the time, but this Blair Witch is definitely as bad as we think it is now… I think. I’m confused. But I’m not confused about the horribly horrible badness of Blair Witch. Blair Witch: because sequels.

Number 1: Sully

The only movie at the box office that actually made any money this week, Sully tells the story of… well Sully. Tom Hanks stars as Chesley (real name) ‘Sully’ Sullenberger (no for real, that’s his name.) Who lands his plane full of passengers right on the Hudson River… and that’s a good thing.

sully

Oh sure, but when I do this with my car everyone gets SOOO upset.

 

So there you go guys, on the plus side Magnificent Seven is coming out soon and if you squint real hard you can see all those good movies coming out in November!! Come quickly good movie… come quickly.

Well hey Internet, look, I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m real real sick. But like a swan, winging up from it’s little swanhouse on the prairie, I shall rise up and eat some breadcrumbs!!… I mean do the weekly headlines. Yeah… that one. Though I mean if you’ve got some breadcrumbs…

The Weekly Headlines 9/8/2016

Well it’s been confirmed guys, Joe Manganiello will be playing Deathstroke in Ben Afflecks upcoming Solo Batman movie. Whether or not he will appear in Justice League is still very up in the air. Given that Justice League already has the formation of the Justice League and a MUCH bigger villain than Deathstroke it doesn’t seem like a good idea. Then again, this is a DC movie so… there’s plenty of precedent for bad ideas. PLENTY of precedent.

deathstrokejoemanganiello

People seem okay with this casting but I mean come on!! That one eye you can see looks NOTHING like his one eye!!

 

Speaking of bad ideas: Underworld: Blood Wars released its first trailer! Look, I really liked the first Underworld, and the second was… a movie. The prequel was good and then it was WAAAYYYYY downhill from there. Downcliff is probably a better term. And now we’re apparently gonna make another one of these, and the really sad thing is… I’m totally gonna watch this. What can I say: I’m a sucker for vampires that actually do vampire things.

The Trailer for Collateral Beauty just dropped, and I’m not gonna lie guys, it looks great! Great cast, Will Smith doing Will Smith things, the whole thing looks real solid! Sure it’s got so much snoot it’s practically covered in a layer of soot snoot but that’s not always a bad thing! Highly recommend checking out the trailer!

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Just read the cast, you’ll be pretty excited.

 

In TV news there it still ZERO TV news. When are the good shows coming back?? My poor Netflix cue is starting to get VERY tired, there are only so many times I can watch Firefly network TV!!

A new poster for Passengers has been released and the movie still seems like a real solid idea! Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence are the only two people awake on a ship bound for deep space?? Start printin’ that money.

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Passengers!! Eyeballs!! Money!!

 

Taking the top spot at the box office this week was Don’t Breathe, though I feel like ‘taking’ is a very strong word for this. Don’t Breathe was handed the top spot in the box office this week because no one else really seemed to want it. Like (for instance) the flu, or any other raging horrors currently circulating through my very broken immune system.

Excitedly new in theaters next week is… umm… Well you can watch Bridget Jones’s Baby or Blair Witch if you feel like watching unnecessary, un-asked for, unimaginative sequels to movies that were pretty bad in the first place!! Then again if that’s your thing Now You See Me 2 is on DVD!!

Oh also, happy football season everyone! Hold onto your heads, keep your brains steady, and brace yourself for the inevitable head smashing action!

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No matter what you do with your life, you will never fail as badly at your job, as this helmet.

 

Oh and finally, some hope for those of you staring ahead at the month of September with dread in your heart: here’s a list of some new movies on Netflix you should see. Jaws: cause giant sharks. True Grit (recently on my best westerns list.) Sweeney Todd (cause you can skip all the parts with the most annoying sailor child in the world singing about frikkin’ Joanna and just watch Johnny Depp and Alan Rickman) and Saving Private Ryan (cause  Tom Hanks REALLY wants to save that Private.)

And there you go guys: I’m going back to bed.