Posts Tagged ‘Best of the Worst’

Well hello good buddies and internet friends, and welcome to another thrilling, chilling, and trilling entry into the ever growing pantheon of:

Best of the Worst

That’s right! It’s time for us to get back to our roots and compare the worst movie from two franchises and find out which one is really the worst. Today, in honor of the Fate of the Furious being released and maybe finally not running commercials for itself every two seconds of every minute of my life, we’ll be comparing it, to that long standing, long Tom Cruise running shot featuring series, Mission Impossible.

Mission Impossible 2: Best Hair, Worst Movie.

TC1

So much good hair… so much worse movie.

 

I just want to take a second and be very clear about something: this is in no way an attack on Mr. Cruise’s hair in the major motion picture: Mission Impossible 2. Mr. Cruise’s hair is a shining long locked bastion, lighting the way to good hair dos everywhere. Thank you, hair.

That said: Mission Impossible 2 is a very bad movie. So bad it basically killed the franchise until the great franchise saver JJ Abrams deigned to sprinkle some of his rejuvinatory juices on it. The plot makes no real sense, the ending is just a huge comedic sequence where 4 different people are wearing masks, and there’s just a lot of weird unnecessary slo-motion shots involving flips and motor cycles and sunglasses exploding. (Very cool sunglasses… just for the record.) It’s a movie that really wanted to be the Matrix but had to deal with the problematic factor that it was in no way the Matrix. The storyline has something to do with a virus and Tom Cruises girlfriend who he basically instantly forgets about in favor of a much more grounded character in 3. MI2 is a classic example of someone coming into a franchise so desperate to put their stamp on it that they entirely forgot what the actual thing they were supposed to be doing was. At no point does it feel like an actual Mission Impossible movie, which is not something that (for the record) is super hard to achieve.

I give it 2 unnecessary mask reveals, out of 5.

And opposing MI2 is a movie so bad that the Fast and the Franchise movies have literally just decided to pretend never EVER happened. That’s right: it was too bad, for the Fast and the Furious.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Filming Discounts

adrift1

Like an unfortunate car decal: this movie’s badness sticks with you.

 

You want to know who the best actor in Tokyo drift is?? Lil’ Bow Wow. I’m not joking. He’s actually not even that bad in it, and in the world of Tokyo Drift being ‘Not Bad’ basically makes you Daniel Day Lewis. The main character (not Lil’ Bow Wow) is played by a white male Walmart Manikin named Sean Boswell who has come to Tokyo for reasons I cannot even begin to care about. He loves to race though. Boy does he love to race. That’s literally all you need to know about this cardboard cutout of a human with a “Boy Am I From the South” trucker hat on his head. Actually you should probably also know that he is VERY bad at racing but that for some reason people continually show an interest in his burgeoning racing career to the point where they teach what is apparently the ultimate solution to all of his personal and career problems: the ability to go around a corner in a motor vehicle.

adrift2

A movie that repeatedly asks you to believe that the pile of mashed potatoes in the passenger seat of this car is an actual human being.

 

The real kicker of TFatF:TD though is that the rest of the Fast franchise couldn’t even decide where it went in the “chronology” of Fast and the Furious. And yes, Fast and the Furious does have a chronology. See, technically Tokyo Drift was released as the 3rd movie but when the FF people decided to start forming a super team they knew they definitely didn’t want the main character from Tokyo Drift so they decided to use one of the secondary characters who (regretfully) died in that movie. This meant that they had to push Tokyo Drift back until later, specifically, until Fast and the Furious 7 a full four movies after it actually took place. Confused?? You should be. But that’s what you have to do when you make a movie that stars a rock with the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama painted on it.

I give it 1 Faceless Stars, out of 5.

So there you go guys: the prize for worst movie goes to Tokyo Drift, cause at least MI2 had that good good Tom Cruise hair.

I’ll probably do a mailbag on Thursday so send in your question to Thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com and hey, why not check out my podcast that I do with my good buddy Nate over here thepsv.podbean.com!

Advertisements

Well hey Internet and welcome back to my oft lauded but little used series that we mortals call: best of the worst. A series that takes the worst movies of a franchise and matches them up one against another to find out which one of these bad movies, is in fact, the worst movie. And todays two contestants are:

Best of the Worst: Transformers vs. The Matrix

Two iconic series that started off pretty well (or at least better than expected in Transformers’ case) and then went very VERY VEERRRYYY far downhill. So far downhill.

The Matrix: Revolutions

MR2003)

Matrix Revolution: Taking stumbling across the finish line, to stumbly new lows of sumbling.

 

Okay so the first Matrix movie was pretty great. Not as great as you remember, but pretty great. Matrix: Reloaded was… well it was very bad. Including a section at the end in which an old man talked for twenty minutes about literally nothing. Nothing at all. But it did have at least a couple cool fight scenes and um… a long incomprehensible dance sequence?? Matrix: revolutions though, wasn’t just long and incomprehensible, it also featured un-interesting characters talking about stuff some child learned from a different child whose father took a philosophy class once and an ending so unsatisfying many audiences just remained in the theater for several hours after the movie waiting for a second, better ending to happen. Most bafflingly though, Matrix: Revolutions featured almost no actual fighting. Sure there was the scene where Neo fought a bunch of CGI Hugo Weaving’s, and the multiple scenes where CGI robots fought other CGI robots to defend a CGI city filled with characters we either didn’t care about, or actively disliked, but none of that was anything like the much smaller, much better fights that happened in the first movie. If great sequels are comprised of the best parts of the original, than the Matrix: Revolutions was a summary of the absolute worst parts of the Matrix.

r2013

These uninteresting robots will be tasked with fighting a less interesting army of other robots to protect an even less, less interesting group of humans.

 

Transformers… Literally all of the Transformers Movies

tdb

When robots riding dinosaur robots and wielding swords can’t save your franchise… nothing can.

 

Look guys, generally speaking in this series we pick the one worst movie of a series and compare it to the good ones… but there are no good transformers sequels. There are only the bad ones. And then the worse ones. And then the somehow even worse than the worse ones. Transformers is a constant proof that even when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, there is always another rockier, bottomier bottom you could fall to. Bad acting. Terrible writing. CGI that looks good but does nothing but create sets of 8 more or less identical characters and then smash them together like an angry toddler fighting with action figures.  The whole series is just an on fire garbage can that some guy occasionally comes and throws some extra gasoline on. Matching up this franchise vs. the matrix is like hosting a foot race between the worlds slowest slug, and an empty tooth paste tube. It’s the worst thing.

lbuff

Nothing compares quite so closely with the Transformers franchise as the career of Shia Labeauf.

 

The verdict: When I came up with this in my head it was at least a somewhat decent contest. Both franchises started off okay, and then slowly slid down hill… or at least that’s what I thought. I forgot that Transformers started off okay, and then was consumed by a volcano made of sadness. Matrix Revolutions is very bad, but it is nothing compared to the avalanche of miserable that is the Transformers. If anything I’m sorry that I made you think about the Transformers movies this much. Thank you, and I’m sorry.

Well hey Internet, and welcome to a brand new series I’m gonna try out called: Best of the Worst! But you probably had gathered that already from the large bold type font at the top of this page. But what does that really mean? What do I mean?? What do you mean?? What does anything really mean?? Well we’ll see about the other questions later, for now let’s just focus on Best of the Worst. Essentially I’m gonna grab the two worst entries in a franchise and try and find out which one is worse. And what two better franchises to start with than those two most beloved series: Star Wars and Star Trek.

Star Wars: Episode 2 Attack of the Clones

swatc

It’s good that they put the biggest problem right in the middle of the poster. Very helpful.

 

It was a close, vicious contest for the bottom spot between Episodes 1 and 2. Episode 1 has a long, slow plot, annoying Anakin Skywalker, and (of course) a heaping helping of Jar-Jar Binks. It’s a bad (slightly racist) movie FILLED with nonsense. The entire middle section of the film is just people walking around, speculating about prophecies, and holding VERY lengthy anticlimactic races. But it does have Liam Neeson, and Darth Maul, and what might be the best lightsaber fight in the history of the franchise. So there was at least something positive to come out of this, right? Whereas Episode 2 is just… just terrible. Hayden Christenson and Natalie Portman turn in what is probably the single worst couple pairing in the history of couples. The lightsaber fights are bad and filled with CGI nonsense. The only even somewhat redeemable factor in this movie is Ewan MacGreggor who turns in a great performance but he really doesn’t have anything to do other than talk to CGI floating heads about characters we’ve never heard of before doing these we don’t care about. And so, Episode 2 takes the top spot as the worst Star Wars movie, but who will stand against it? What possible nightmarish stupidity from the stars could hope to rival the putrid junkpile of horror that is Episode 2: Attack of the Dialogue? Well…

atc

This is the movies best part… and it’s about five minutes right in the middle of the movie.

 

Star Trek: Nemesis

star-trek-nemesis

Just… just this picture should be all you need to know about this movie…

 

Oh boy… so look: there have been some very bad Star Trek movies over the years. There was the one where Spock and Kirk went and talked to “God” somehow? A movie that opened with the characters literally singing “Row Row Row your boat.” Then there was the one (or two) where literally an entire movie happened and yet at no point did any action actually occur. But Nemesis takes the cake on this one just because the whole thing just felt… tired. The script was bad, the plot was stupid, the characters were not only poorly done but just sort of… not the characters. They were just these people who existed in the same space as the characters we knew but they weren’t really them. Almost like the director of the movie would go on to repeatedly admit that HE DIDN’T LIKE STAR TREK.

nems

“Now it’s my understanding that this happens in space, yes?” 

 

Which I would call fairly important to the process! I mean I think Patrick Stuart is basically the perfect actor created in the perfect British actor factory but the part of the movie where he starts dual wielding phasers like he’s John Frickin’ Wayne is probably the least believable thing in the entire movie and it’s a movie that happens in space!

data

Oh. Also: this happens. And it’s the worst.

 

So which is worse, though? Attack of the Clones features hack writing and terrible acting but it does at least feel like it belongs in the franchise right?? I mean it’s bad, but it at least feels like a Star Wars movie. Star Trek Nemesis just feels like a movie a bunch of people snuck onto the set of Star Trek and made while no one was watching. I mean, Star Trek Nemesis was so bad it basically killed the entire franchise for 7 years… at least Attack of the Clones was followed by the better (mostly) Revenge of the Sith.

And so it is, with grimm resignation, that I actually say something positive about Attack of the Clones: it wasn’t as bad as Star Trek Nemesis. May I never EVER have to do that again.