Posts Tagged ‘Batman’

Well hey Internet, look, I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m real real sick. But like a swan, winging up from it’s little swanhouse on the prairie, I shall rise up and eat some breadcrumbs!!… I mean do the weekly headlines. Yeah… that one. Though I mean if you’ve got some breadcrumbs…

The Weekly Headlines 9/8/2016

Well it’s been confirmed guys, Joe Manganiello will be playing Deathstroke in Ben Afflecks upcoming Solo Batman movie. Whether or not he will appear in Justice League is still very up in the air. Given that Justice League already has the formation of the Justice League and a MUCH bigger villain than Deathstroke it doesn’t seem like a good idea. Then again, this is a DC movie so… there’s plenty of precedent for bad ideas. PLENTY of precedent.

deathstrokejoemanganiello

People seem okay with this casting but I mean come on!! That one eye you can see looks NOTHING like his one eye!!

 

Speaking of bad ideas: Underworld: Blood Wars released its first trailer! Look, I really liked the first Underworld, and the second was… a movie. The prequel was good and then it was WAAAYYYYY downhill from there. Downcliff is probably a better term. And now we’re apparently gonna make another one of these, and the really sad thing is… I’m totally gonna watch this. What can I say: I’m a sucker for vampires that actually do vampire things.

The Trailer for Collateral Beauty just dropped, and I’m not gonna lie guys, it looks great! Great cast, Will Smith doing Will Smith things, the whole thing looks real solid! Sure it’s got so much snoot it’s practically covered in a layer of soot snoot but that’s not always a bad thing! Highly recommend checking out the trailer!

collateral-beauty-movie-2016-poster

Just read the cast, you’ll be pretty excited.

 

In TV news there it still ZERO TV news. When are the good shows coming back?? My poor Netflix cue is starting to get VERY tired, there are only so many times I can watch Firefly network TV!!

A new poster for Passengers has been released and the movie still seems like a real solid idea! Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence are the only two people awake on a ship bound for deep space?? Start printin’ that money.

pasengers1

Passengers!! Eyeballs!! Money!!

 

Taking the top spot at the box office this week was Don’t Breathe, though I feel like ‘taking’ is a very strong word for this. Don’t Breathe was handed the top spot in the box office this week because no one else really seemed to want it. Like (for instance) the flu, or any other raging horrors currently circulating through my very broken immune system.

Excitedly new in theaters next week is… umm… Well you can watch Bridget Jones’s Baby or Blair Witch if you feel like watching unnecessary, un-asked for, unimaginative sequels to movies that were pretty bad in the first place!! Then again if that’s your thing Now You See Me 2 is on DVD!!

Oh also, happy football season everyone! Hold onto your heads, keep your brains steady, and brace yourself for the inevitable head smashing action!

new-england-patriots-helmets-1uobmuwe4

No matter what you do with your life, you will never fail as badly at your job, as this helmet.

 

Oh and finally, some hope for those of you staring ahead at the month of September with dread in your heart: here’s a list of some new movies on Netflix you should see. Jaws: cause giant sharks. True Grit (recently on my best westerns list.) Sweeney Todd (cause you can skip all the parts with the most annoying sailor child in the world singing about frikkin’ Joanna and just watch Johnny Depp and Alan Rickman) and Saving Private Ryan (cause  Tom Hanks REALLY wants to save that Private.)

And there you go guys: I’m going back to bed.

 

 

 

 

Internet!! Just so we’re all on notice this is a new idea and I have ZERO idea if it will actually work but we’re gonna try it out and it might just be awesome!!! So for those of you who don’t know (most people with social lives) the NBA draft is tonight. This of course means every other sports writer on earth is gonna be doing something called a “mock draft” which is when they go through and try and predict when each person will be drafted. I, naturally, have no idea WHO most of these draft people are let alone when they will be drafted. What I do know though, is super-heroes, nerdy things, and the many wonderful applications of Bagel bites, so who better then me to do a draft of Super-heroes!!!! (yay) Here then, are some ground rules.

Rule 1: This is an individual super-hero draft, no drafting “The Avengers” which would be akin to drafting “the entire Kentucky Jayhawks” team… the Kentucky Jayhawks are a thing right? This rule does not include the X-men franchise as those movies have always and will always be ensembles.

Rule 2: Drafted super-heroes are based on their current active franchises. For instance drafting Spider-man means I have to take into account the fact that the Amazing Spiderman franchise is still ongoing. To put this in sports terms I have to take the college person as is, injuries, bad habits, broken foot bones, all that jazz (I promise I’m making mostly relevant sports references guys… I think.)

Rule 3: this is a top ten draft going from the number 1 pick most valuable to the number 10 pick least so. I will be judging value based on nothing but the box office success I think said franchise could have. I will probably be drafting some lesser known super-heroes towards the bottom but a huge part of makin’ money is brand recognition so the top movies (like it or not) are gonna be ones with recognizable heroes.

Umm… that’s all the rules I got for now… I’m sure I’ll make up some more later… and with no further ado…

First Annual Super-hero Draft

(also probably the last Annual Super Hero Draft)

1. Batman – I know, I know “Micah took Batman first, big surprise.” But let’s think about this: Batman just finished a beloved trilogy, you’re committed to Ben Affleck and this next Superman/Batman crossover nightmare but once that’s done you can either stick with Affleck or re-cast and then start up a new Trilogy and do your best to ignore the atomic blast of sludgy terribleness that is the Justice League thing. RUN from the Justice League, the best sports analogy for Justice League is if your star rookie likes to hang out with a group of friends who recreationaly juggle chainsaws while lit on fire. Run.

Batman though is the perfect example of everything you want out of this draft cause he’s relatively unconnected to a current franchise and is wide open for another new trilogy (the holy grail of comic book movies.) So yes I am heinously biased to Batman, but I also think he’s the CLEAR number one choice.

2. X-men – nothing to surprising here. The X-men are just all about the consistency, years have come and gone, super-heroes have risen and fallen, but the X-men endure with all the healy powerness of Wolverine. Sure X-men: Origins and X-men: The Last Stand were HORRIBLE movies, but ya know what? It didn’t matter. At all. The X-men just keep plugging along.

3. Superman – I am widely regarded for my utter hatred of Superman but even I cannot deny the fact that Superman movies make them some money. People love Superman… for reasons. Sure you just released a movie that was the cinematic equivalent of eating a piece of cardboard covered in A1 Bland Sauce. Sure you’re tied to the director of said Bland Sauce movie AND you’re the lead anchor in the massive death anchor that is the Justice League but you’re still making Superman movies. People pay to watch superman movies. You could make a live action movie with the role of Superman being played by a deranged killer manatee and people would still pay ten dollars to see it!! In fact, people would pay 12 dollars to see it in 3D so they could better appreciate the rolls of manatee fat! People would do that because people watch Superman movies. For no reason.

Yup. Type Superman manatee into google and here you go. Thank you, Internet.

Yup. Type “Superman manatee” into google and here you go. Thank you, Internet.

4. Spiderman – the last of the “big four” here. The reason Spiderman is the last to go is fairly simple: re-boot. Batman is ready for a second trilogy in a few years, X-men it really doesn’t matter, Superman people just keep lining up to watch cause they don’t know what else to do with their money, but Spiderman is on his second reboot in just a tiny bit over a decade. All you really have coming from Spiderman is the last entry in the current trilogy and then it’s time for a LOOOONGGG Spider-nap. So you want to get Spiderman, I’d still take his franchise over any of the other ones below it but I’m thinking long LOOONNNGGG term here and losing out on the immediate money of the top 3.

All right, so thus far we’ve been fairly obvious in our choice of heroes. The Big Four are fairly firmly entrenched and the only real question was which order they were going to go in. Now though things get interesting, lesser known heroes or major heroes who have been gone for a while are great but the questions we’re asking here are “will people be interested enough to find out about this hero?” and “can I make a trilogy?” the holy grail of comic book movies as previously discussed.

5. Dr. Strange – A Dr. Strange movie is currently in the works from Marvel and I am SHOCKED that they haven’t already made one. There are a ton of great Dr. Strange characters, villains, and comics and he’s at least somewhat known and could bring people into the theater. Casting a good actor and avoiding the “creepy old person flinging magic around” look are gonna be essential but there’s a HUGE opportunity here.

You're gonna want to avoid this. Trust me.

You’re gonna want to avoid this take on the character. Trust me.

I mean, what was the last good magic-centered movie? The Sorceror’s Apprentice? That movie did pretty well for itself and it starred Nic Cage and had no comic book universe to build on. It’s not a sure thing and a HUGE part of it is gonna be choosing the right person to play Dr. Strange (here’s a hint: NOT Nic Cage) but you could have some gold on your hands here!

6. Swamp Thing – A somewhat little known comic book series that had its heyday back in the 90’s, Swamp Thing is not your typical Super-hero fare in that the Hero is not a dashing Human with blue eyes and pecs like fields of Barley. He is (in fact) a huge scaly/plant covered death monster. Swamp Thing gives you a chance to organically (Read: not jammed together in a movie that makes no sense *cough* Batman Five Superman: Dawn of Justice *cough*) some of DC’s other super heroes while simultaneously exploring a hero that has a little bit more to him then “boy it’s inconvenient to have super powers AND be this good looking.” Once again here, you’re not looking at a guaranteed blockbuster, but if you build the world right this could be a long term success.

Because awesome. That's why.

Because awesome. That’s why.

7. Wonderwoman – I’m sure I’m gonna take some flack for her falling this far down the list but honestly Wonderwoman isn’t in a great place right now. She’s committed to the Justice League movie (bleh) and has just in the last few years had a couple TV shows shot down. Plus (in my opinion) she kind of suffers from a rather “meh” bunch of powers and no really great villains or stories to build from. You could probably get a good amount of money from a Wonderwoman movie but I don’t know if there’s enough story with her for a trilogy. I know, I know there aren’t any good girl superheroes but hang on a sec okay?

8. Oracle – Yep, this is it. This is my female super-hero of awesome pick. For those of you who don’t know (most of you) Oracle is Batgirl after Batgirl gets shot in the spine and stops being a super hero to instead become a world class hacker/information person. A huge break off from the typical super-hero fare, Oracle becomes an awesome spy/espionage/heist story with a strong female character surrounded by an interesting cast of heroes and rogues. I could make a trilogy out of this and it would be AWESOME. The only reason it ranked this low was pure brand recognition, no one really knows who she is and it would take some work to get people to come out and see it.

Somebody make this movie...

Somebody make this movie…

9. Hulk – Okay, here’s the thing. I’m all about a Hulk stand alone movie but that’s all we’re getting here. There’s no big over-arching Hulk movie storyline. You could get away with one awesome Hulk movie where a big green guy just smashes a lot of other less Hulky people and probably get some cash, but that’s pretty much it. That’s the party. No seconds. No soup… for you.

10. Moon Knight – This is a tricky one, I gave strong thought to just going with Black Widow here and getting another quick “we could make a stand alone movie and that would be it” but why not go for something differenent and hope to strike it rich with a trilogy. Moon Knight (aside from the dumb name that we would have to try and do something with) is a fairly interesting character. There’s a lot of Egyptian mythology and early on the main heroes psyche splits into several different parts giving him CRAZY associative identity disorder which makes for some interesting internal struggles as well. It’s a long shot, but at number 10 I’ll take a long shot over something more established.

Moon Knight: Stupid name, awesome costume.

Moon Knight: Stupid name, awesome costume.

And there you have it friends!! The Super-hero draft no one asked for!!! What’d you think? I actually sorta liked it more then I thought I would and thusly will (perhaps) come up with some more drafts to do in the future! That done I shall simply say, farewell to you all and wish you a happy weekend.

Hey everyone, so this weekend… or last week… or some time since I last posted, an announcement was made. A world changing, stomach stopping, fish catching announcement. An announcement that will change life as we know it for the next ten to twenty minutes. That announcement:

FRIED PEANUTS now TWO for ONE dollar. At “Uncle Benny’s Fried Peanut and Fish Tackle Store” conveniently located in the back of Uncle Benny’s car in the Walmart Parking Lot. Come quickly, supplies will probably run out at some point!!

Okay, now that that announcement has been made let’s go ahead and talk about another (far less significant) announcement. Ben Affleck will be playing Batman in DC’s upcoming movie “Batman vs. Superman: Cause People will Buy Tickets. ” And because a few of you asked about it and I am nothing if not a man of the people who happen to wander onto this blog. Here are some thoughts and some answers to your two most popular questions.

Batman vs. Superman cause why not?

Batman vs. Superman cause why not?

Will Ben Affleck make a good batman?

Sure. Why not. You wanna know a deep dark secret? It’s not that hard to play batman. I’m not saying it’s easy, I mean Batman has character depth to him, inherent internal conflict, he’s a dark hero in an increasingly dark world and he faces real struggles of morality unlike some super-heroes (*cough* superman *cough*.) But Batman isn’t exactly Hamlet. Nor (allow me to propose) is Batman the Joker, or Bane, or (dare we say it) Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman. Batman is the steady center around which an extremely interesting cast of characters resolves… or revolves… Or revolvers… or something. The point is that Christian Bale made a great Batman and it wasn’t like anyone was nominating him for Academy Awards or anything. He did a great job with the character by not trying to make the character into something he wasn’t. He stayed true to the Batman inside of himself… and inside of all of us. — except for you. Harold. You can’t be Batman.

Cause there's a little bit of batman in all of us.... sometimes it's his fist but hey- we can't all win.

Cause there’s a little bit of batman in all of us…. sometimes it’s his fist but hey- we can’t all win.

I see no reason why Affleck won’t be able to do that. He’s played characters with dark pasts before. He was actually decent in Daredevil (should be read “Marvel’s Batman”) it’s just that nobody noticed because Jennifer Garner was hot and then dead, and the movie itself was HORRIBLE. Affleck certainly has the gravitas to pull off Batman. I’m not saying every actor in Hollywood could do it, I’m just saying that casting the right guy (for instance: not George Clooney) is a big step in the right direction and I think Affleck is the right guy. Josh Brolin and Ryan Gosling (two other popular rumored names) probably also could have done it but I’m fine with Affleck. As long as he sticks to the character Batman will be just fine.

"Wait did he just compare me to George Clooney?"

“Wait did he just compare me to George Clooney?”

Does the casting of Ben Affleck change your thoughts on Superman vs. Batman?      

Ummmm… nope. It’s probably still gonna be terrible. Here’s the thing: the reason DC is doing this movie is because 1: They like money, and 2: They want to make the Avengers. Obviouly every studio wants to make money, I don’t think Walt Disney made the Avengers cause they like happiness and rabbits hopping through guacamole covered meadows. That said they at least seemed to have a plan when they made Avengers. DC seemed to literally go: “Wow that Superman movie made a lot of money I wonder what else would make money?” “What if we put Batman AND Superman together?” “That’s a great idea!! What sort of story should we do?” “I have NO idea, but that’s probably not a big beal right?”

Another big difference: Joss Whedon. You want to know what happens when people make super-hero ensemble movies without Joss Whedon? Fantastic-Four. Joss Whedon spent his career making great ensemble features: Firefly, Buffy etc. I had my reservations about Avengers when it was first announced (search the site to find them… I  have no desire to link my doubting Joss Whedon in a public forum) but my one hope through it all was that I’d seen Joss do this before and it had worked.

You know what the closest thing Zach Snyder (the soon to be director/co-writer of Batman vs. Superman) did to an ensemble film?  Sucker Punch. A film that featured the basic story idea “hot girls with swords vs. robots” and somehow ended up being both heinously poorly planned and incredibly un-interesting. Aside from that his big films are 300 (great visual style. Storyline handed to him on a golden platter. No good dialogue.) and Man of Steel (see review here.) I’m not exactly filled with confidence.

Finally: checkout what I said above about Batman, his good movies have been defined by the incredible cast of characters constructed around him. Batman is awesome, but he can’t be what you’re counting on to make your movie interesting. You know who that is even more true of? Superman. At least Batman has moral struggles, Superman just fights for truth, liberty, and low cost hot dogs at American Baseball games. Putting these two people together in a movie just seems like putting two different vanilla cake mixes in a bowl and expecting to get something other than a vanilla flavored cake.

The question now is who will bring them that cake? Probably not this guy.

The question now is who will bring them that cake? Probably not this guy.

So to summarize: I’m fine with Ben Affleck. Best of luck to him, I’m excited to see what he does with the character. Batman Vs. Superman? I’m still not on board. Let it be stated here though that I’m not saying there’s NO hope this will be a good movie. I’ve been surprised before. Maybe this movie will be great, I doubt it. I think it will be kind of like Man of Steel, a decent movie with a decent storyline and good action sequences. That’s not a bad thing necessarily, it’s just not awesome.

Thanks for reading everyone, a bit more of a serious dissertation then we normally have but sometimes you’ve got to put on your serious shorts and get stuff done! Thanks for reading and check back Thursday for more of your regularly scheduled nonsense.

So it’s late and I can’t sleep but am at a good stopping point for my “serious writing” projects… so guess what time it is??

Micah Goes Random!! 

Recently my wife and I marathoned our way through Downton Abbey. Marathon apparently doesn’t have a past tense so I made one up. I marathon, you marathon, he marathoned. Get over it. Marathoning (also not a word) is really the best way to watch TV shows. I hate waiting a week between episodes. It’s like watching a REALLY long movie but you have the advantage of having long breaks programmed into the movie every hour. All that to say that in a 48 hour period my wife and I watched however many episodes were in season 2. (Yes it was a weekend). Right in the middle of this Marathon we went and watched The Dark Knight Rises which led me to this conclusion: If I could pick one place on Earth where I would be the least likely to meet Batman, it would be Downton Abbey.

First off none of the people in this house can keep a secret to save their souls…

I just can’t picture Matthew Crawley walking out of the grand double doors of Downton and then having the camera pan up to reveal Batman wrapped around one of the pillars glowering down at him. Of course the fact that it’s the least likely place to find Batman probably means Batman has his underground lair right underneath it. After I realized that I spent the last four episodes looking for Batman… which is probably why he wasn’t there… Cause if I thought he was there, because I didn’t think he was there then… Man… I think I just broke my brain.

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Did you see that guy who blew that golf tournament? Yeah me neither. I heard about though which is just about the only way I interact with professional golf. I feel like we need to spice it up a little bit. What if we took the spectators and scattered them randomly along the fairway, then when the golfer’s golfed (why does that sound like something Dora the Explorer would yell?) they would not only have to try and get it in the hole, but they would have to try and avoid hitting innocent bystanders? Now THAT I would watch.

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My wife is an exceedingly wonderful woman who has to put up with a lot (namely me). Which (among other things) occasionally involves me wasting my time cavalierly saving people, who do not actually exist at all. Lately this has manifested in my playing of Amazing Spiderman (the video game). I’ll probably talk more in depth about this on Thursday but for now all you need to know is that last night I jumped off of the highest building in New York, swung on my web twice, and landed with hawk like precision on the shoulders of an unsuspecting mugger. Yup. I’m pretty sweet.

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Ya know how they used to have a secret red phone in the White House that was a direct link to the President of Russia, or whatever? I recently discovered a secret phone hidden in the maintenance closet. It’s brown. I’m gonna let your imaginations finish that joke.

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So they finally released a trailer for the new Superman movie. For those of you not in know (i.e. Normal people with social lives), this movie is directed by Zach Snyder who you might remember as that guy who directed 300. I don’t mind Snyder but let’s all remember that he also directed Sucker Punch a weird movie that somehow wasn’t awesome despite having a plot consisting mainly of  “hot, crazy girls fight robots using Samurai swords.”

Anyway, this might be the least informative trailer ever created as all I can surmise at this point is Superman is a hitchhiker and mind numbingly good looking. Also Russell Crowe says some inspirational things about mankind. Apparently Snyder also stole the soundtrack from the Lord of the Rings which seems like a really odd thing to do. I mean everyone knows that’s the soundtrack from the Lord of the Rings, right? Everyone?

One of these things just doesn’t belong… let’s see… which of us is wearing our underwear on the outside?

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Now that the Summer Comic book movies are over, where does DC Comics go from here?

Well… Nowhere good. Here’s the thing with DC there characters have never really taken off like Marvel’s (the other big comic book company) have and as such most of their characters are either dumb or super obvious rip-offs of Marvel characters.

For instance: The Justice League (DC’s attempt to be the Avengrers) primarily consist of: Green-Lantern (dumb), Superman (classic but… kind of dumb), Wonder Woman (sexist and dumb), Batman (awesome), and a bunch of other kind of lame Super-heroes that no one remembers. So when DC says “hey we’re totally gonna make a Justice League movie!!” You can see why I’m not exactly jumping for joy.

Anyway… right now DC is banking on Superman next summer, maybe a wonder-woman movie, maybe another Green-Lantern movie, and maybe some other movie about something else I probably won’t care that much about. I miss Batman.

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Now that the Summer Comic book movies are over, where does Marvel go from here?

Sequel land of course!! Spider-man, Ironman, Thor, Wolverine, X-men, and Captain America will all be having sequels in development as the next year or two go by. As far as new movies go they are making a… gulp… Ant-man movie… ew… I’m gonna go wash my hands. And a “Guardians of the Galaxy” movie. I googled “Guardians of the Galaxy” cause I had never heard of them before and google called me a nerd and tried to send me to match.com. Then I googled “Ant-man” and google threw up on my keyboard.

Ant-man is a hero who can grow or shrink at will and has a cont… yeah I don’t care.

Yeah… he’s that kind of dumb.

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Thanks for reading this randomnicity readers! I’ll see ya Thursday!!

 

Usually this is the part of the blog where I open with some vague witticism about my weekend or how my biceps are bigger than yours or something true but slightly insulting to most of my readers, because I have image issues that I mask behind my ability to bang my head against a keyboard and form poorly punctuated sentences… wow… that was dark. But I won’t do that this week!! Unless you count those sentences. Which we won’t… Because today is all about!!

 Micah Reviews: The Dark Knight Rises.

Either they’re about to fight or Bane just stuck the landing after the most epic uneven bars routine ever… no idea which would be better.

The Plot:

(I’m keeping this rather short and VERY spoiler free for the sake of those of you who haven’t watched the movie yet.)

It’s eight years after the events of The Dark Knight and Batman hasn’t been seen since. Gotham seems to be enjoying a period of relative piece as the organized crime that haunted them for the last forever or so seems to have finally been beaten down. But lurking on the horizon like heartburn after Chili Cheese Fries is Bane! A merciless mercenary whose merciless mercenary mission is to mercilessly maim the piece and quite of Gotham!

Will Batman return? Will he be able to stop Bane and save Gotham once more? Why is Michael Cain so awesome? These questions and many more will all be answered over the course of the Dark Knight Rises!

I feel like my “Will Batman return” question was rhetorical. He always returns. Always.

The Pros:

An absolutely great ending to an Epic film Trilogy. There’s really no higher compliment I can give to this movie then: probably better than the Dark Knight. That said… I’m gonna give it more compliments.

Probably the best put together over all plot of the Trilogy. The movie kept you guessing, never dragged, and had several amazing moments to it that were all timed perfectly. The Dark Knight occasionally dragged and had very few huge reveals to it, not that I’m criticizing that movie (seeing as I practically proposed marriage to it) I’m just saying that if that movie was a triple malt shake, with extra whip cream. This is a triple malt shake with extra whip cream and a ten dollar bill on top of it.

New cast members do awesome! Tom Hardy is great as Bane, providing equal parts menace and intelligence while also looking like he eats school busses filled with adorable chinchillas for breakfast. Joseph Gordon-Levitt continues his run of awesomeness as a Gotham Cop, and Marion Cotillard doesn’t make me want to shoot her with poison tipped nerf gun (which is a big step up for her). Also:

Can we please leave Anne Hathaway alone? She was GREAT as Catwoman. I repeat: GREAT! I’m not even a big Anne Hathaway fan and I’ll admit that she was great. Playing a believable character with a lot of depth who was a ton of fun to watch on screen. Leave her alone.

Leave her alone.

Mad props to the awesome returning cast! Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, Martin Freeman, and the ever amazing Michael Caine just keep bringing the fire.

The Cons:

Umm…. Oh okay I got one.

I felt like the ending was foreshadowed just a little too much. I can’t say much more without giving it away but if you’ve seen the movie you probably know what I’m talking about. Not a huge deal obviously but there you have it. A con.

In Conclusion:

“A Batman is never late. He arrives precisely when he means to”… I am such a nerd.

A masterful ending to the best movie Trilogy I’ve watched since the Lord of the Rings. Shut up Star Wars fans, you know Return of the Jedi was a letdown. The thing with Star Wars is that the debate still rages on as to which was better: New Hope or Revenge of the Sith (movies four and five for those of you who aren’t cool enough to know or have fulfilling social lives outside of fantasy realities… And movies four and five are technically movies one and two… but they aren’t one and two cause those were horrible and… okay you know what. Nevermind. Just go back to raising your families or having friends who actually exist or whatever it is you people do.).

Anyway… nobody cares about Return of the Jedi, there were Jawas in it. The weakest of the Batman movies is the first one, they got progressively better as the characters and the world grew. Just the way a good Trilogy should. An epic storyline that spans all three movies (especially the last two were VERY well tied together) AND an amazing stand-alone movie The Dark Knight Rises definitely goes (and/or Rises) right to the top of my must see movie listings.

I give it 5 malicious mercenaries, out of 5.

Batman: Arkham City

Posted: January 19, 2012 by Micah in Video Game Reviews
Tags: ,

I have many aspirations in my life. I want to get married, be a teacher, act, write a play, write a book, own a duck, eat a fish, make a wish, pwn a dish, and drain a swish… not so much those last couple… don’t really know what happened there… Anyway among my fondest (and least likely) ambition is… to be Batman. I mean when I proposed to my fiance’ I wore a batman shirt. When I jumped off a ladder and landed with carefully planned smashing on a hard wooden stage last night… I wore a batman shirt. And while I may never own enough money to hire Michael Cain to serve me orange juice and set fire to letters from Maggie Gyllenhall, I can play Batman: Arkham City. And that… well that’s pretty awesome too.

Micah Reviews: Batman Arkham City.

Batman... so much awesome... so little time.

The Plot:

For those of you who don’t know, Batman: Arkham City is a sequel to the epic slice of gaming awesomeness that we call Batman: Arkham Asylum. Arkham Asylum was a game that featured Batman running all over the grounds of an insane asylum chasing the Joker (who was awesome) and punching people in the face (which was also awesome… in a different way). Fortunately if you did not play the first game you will still no exactly what is going on here because the only time the first game is at all mentioned is when the Joker essentially recaps the entire last twenty minutes of it. Anyway though…

It seems the good people of Gotham (and by “people” I mean “morons”) have decided that the best thing to do with all the crazy, deranged, criminals (which Gotham seems to pop out like Adam Sandler pops out not-funny movies) is to pack them all into one abandoned district of the city and put big high walls around it. As if the best way to solve a particularly bad case of poison ivy was to stand in the middle of a green house filled with Poison Oak. Anyway, predictably enough people start shooting each other, but all the while the manager of the prison keeps talking about something called Protocol 10.

What is Protocol 10... and why do you have that chin beard?

In the midst of this the Joker shows up again and has his own twisted plans which may or may not have to do with the fact that he is apparently dying of an unknown disease AND something seems to be horribly wrong with the Subway station. Also: Billy is stuck in the well.

You and Batman will spend a crazy night racing around Arkham City trying to find out what’s wrong with the Joker, what protocol ten is, why the Penguin is blowing up a bridge, and why Fox canceled Firefly. The game’s story is fast paced and filled with enough twists and plot turns to justify its own TV mini-series. The game keeps you wanting to find out what happens at the end, while all the while hoping it isn’t over yet, and when you finally do reach the end it will absolutely FLOOR you. I still haven’t finished processing it.

The Gameplay:

Batman is made up of several different styles of play but the most prominent parts are stealth and combat.

Stealth sections have you cleverly sneaking among the shadows, carefully taking out enemies from behind, setting traps, and diving into grates; all the while praying some fool with a flashlight doesn’t turn around and see you. These sections are incredibly fun and challenging enough to keep you coming back while never feeling like the game is stacking the odds to heavily against you.

Combat is probably what the game does best (which isn’t to say that it does the other sections poorly by any means). Combat is mostly divided into attacking and blocking/countering/dodging and while the game certainly makes combat difficult enough you always feel like Batman which is to say: Awesome. Once you master the combat you’ll be easily switching in between attack and defense, lunging forward to plant a kick in one criminals dainty bread-box before deftly countering a punch from the side and flipping said puncher over your back and into one of his compatriots. Never have I played a video game that struck such a good balance between difficult and awesomeness and Batman: Arkham City makes itself extremely difficult to put down by striking such a very good balance.

In Conclusion:

If you’re a fan of Batman you will love Batman: Arkham City. If you’re a fan of good video games you will love Batman: Arkham City. If you are a fan of the general art of being ridiculously cool you will love Batman: Arkham City. I am a fan of all these things. And so: I am a fan of Arkham City. Thank you America: and goodnight.

I give it 5 head punched villains, out of 5.