Posts Tagged ‘Batman v Superman’

Internet, we have arrived. Arrived at that final longing look back at 2016 wherein we cast ourselves off from the shores of the old year, look back, and realize that maybe those weren’t the best shores after all. Maybe those shores we’re covered in jagged rocks and the tired faces of sad actors. Maybe we’re better off heading into 2017 after all!

Micah’s Bottom 10 Movies of 2016

Per usual I’ve decided my bottom 10 into two groups of 5. The worst 5 movies I physically saw with my face-eyes, and the worst 5 movies that were thrown at humanity in general. I don’t generally seek out bad movies so my list is mostly movies that were disappointing or didn’t live up to there potential, whereas the other bottom five are… well they’re real bad.

Micah’s 5 Worst Movie Decisions of 2016

  1. Passengers

Slinking in just under the bar is Passengers. A movie that wasted a decent story idea and a great cast, in favor of some genuinely disturbing plot twists and a cliché ending. The saddest thing about Passengers is that it’s about 90% of a good movie, but the 10% that is not good is VERY not good. Passengers is the movie equivalent of getting a delicious steak dinner from a 5 Star restaurant with a dead rat stapled to the bottom of your steak. It’s still a good steak but… probably don’t eat that.

  1. Jason Bourne

There’s nothing egregiously wrong with Jason Bourne (A Jason Bourne Story) but there’s also definitely nothing right with it. Jason Bourne (A Movie from the Jason J. Bourne series) does the absolute minimum number of required things to call itself an action movie and then that’s it. It leaves. It’s a movie that is perfectly encapsulated by its title. Unimaginative, cursory, obligatory, and (of course) Jason Bourne (Keep on Bourning.)

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Cause we told you his name. It’s the movies name… You know his name right?

 

  1. Suicide Squad

I done got hoodwinked on this one guys. I thought this would be the DC movie that finally showed us that DC knew how to make movies… and boy was I wrong. In fact, if anything I feel like this movie showed exactly why DC doesn’t know how to make a good movie. Cause somewhere deep DEEP down in the past of the Suicide Squad, I really believe it was a great movie. All the parts of a great movie are here, the cast is good, the characters are interesting, Will Smith and Margot Robbie are well cast and do their absolute best but in the end you can feel that good movie get buried under re-shoots, script revisions, and just general hand wringing as DC tried to make what could have been a fun under the radar side movie, into a full blown franchise flagship. It (to quote the Hobbit) a bit of butter scraped over too much bread. It turned Will Smith into just a means of expressing tired dialogue, Margot Robbie into nothing more than a walking advertisement for short shorts, and really just made me depressed that this thing wasn’t better. And don’t even get me started on The Enchantress constantly looking like she was in desperate need of a hoola hoop, or the fact that Captain Boomerang doesn’t actually use boomerangs at all or… nevermind. Suicide Squad was really bad guys. And it didn’t have to be.

  1. X-men: Apocalypse

It never really felt like anyone involved in X-men: Apocalypse wanted to be there. The actors just sort of mumbled their way through their lines, the script badly needed to be edited several more times, and even the fight scenes ended up just being a bunch of CGI whirling around followed by people making faces as they summoned various and unexplained aspects of their powers. It was like the whole movie was written and produced exclusively from 2-4 in the morning. Everyone just looked tired and uninterested and like they literally wanted to be anywhere but being involved with yet another X-men movie about being an X-man and how it doesn’t matter how many people Magneto kills as long as he’s sorry for it by the end of the movie. I spent the entirety of X-men: Apocalypse waiting for something to happen to make me care, and that never ever happened.

X-Men-Apocalypse

These bored people, would like to tell you a boring story.

 

  1. Batman V. Superman

Look, I know there are some people out there who really liked Batman V. Superman and I get that. I do. But this whole movie just fell apart for me from the get go. The whole thing was just a series of bad decisions, poor writing, and characters acting like idiots. The actual Batman V. Superman section was short and ended in probably the single worst bit of character reversal I’ve ever seen in my life. Lex Luthor was just a sad, miserable impression of someone doing a bad joker impression (hi Jared Leto.) The whole film was a mess and at least the other messes on this list had some interesting sections to them.

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This terrible character would like to stumble through an incoherent story!

 

Ugh… well that was unpleasant wasn’t it? It’s like if someone went back and showed you the five worst pictures anyone had ever taken of you. Bleh. But now we get to go to the fun part of the blog where we look at 5 really REALLY bad pictures, that I wasn’t in!! (Admittedly the metaphor breaks down some.

The Hollywood What Hath Thou Wrought Bottom 5

5: Alice Through the Looking Glass

What better way to start off our list than an unnecessary, un-asked for sequel to a movie that was (at its best) fine. Alice Through the Looking Glass was a movie that no one watched, no one cared about, and no one wanted. You get the feeling Disney made and released this movie just to prove that they could sometimes make a bad movie. Or maybe they’ve got a group of people on staff that they don’t want to fire but who also shouldn’t be allowed near any of the good Disney properties so they were like “And umm… you guys… make Alice in Wonderland 2!! For reasons…”

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You will never sympathize with a butterflies desire to leave a place, like you will sympathize with this butterflies desire to leave this movie.

 

  1. Zoolander 2

Speaking of unimaginative, unnecessary sequels how about Zoolander 2!! The sequel to a movie that literally just sort of went back and did the exact same story again without even really bothering to hide that fact. Same characters, same recurring jokes, same basic plot. If someone played the first ten minutes of Zoolander 2, and then spliced in Zoolander 1 there’s at least a decent chance most people wouldn’t notice and a VERY good chance the movie itself would be better.

  1. Nine Lives

Look, we all suspected a little bit that this movie would suck. I mean the old “businessman gets turned into a pet and learns about his family and life and things” has been done A LOT before and it’s never really worked out all that well has it? There was at least a chance Kevin Spacey could turn this around but boy did he not do that. Nine lives is very VERY bad. Very bad.

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This is not a picture from  9 Lives… I wouldn’t do that to you guys.

 

  1. Mother’s Day

The latest in a long line of movies loosely based around holidays that feature an “all-star” cast of people and zero actual plot. Who keeps making these movies??? What studio keeps saying, “well it hasn’t worked the last five times we tried to do this, but THIS sad script and ensamble cast of slightly out of fashion stars will DEFINITELY work!!”

  1. Norm of the North

Traditionally here on Thoughts We Might Have Had we save this top spot for Adam Sandler or (when Sandler’s not around) his friends. With Sandler hiding his “light” under a bushel over at Netflix, I’m sure he’d be happy to know Rob Schneider stepped into the gap with a movie that received a whopping 9% from Rotten Tomatoes and heavily featured a Polar Bear… twerking. And on that horrible, horrendous note, let’s wave goodbye forever to 2016. May we never darken its island again.

Well hey Internet, happy Friday, and all that weekend stuff. So after Wednesday’s triumphant triumph, in which I definitely solved all of DC’s problems forever. I thought I’d take a post just to look around at the movie landscape and see what other problems I could solve, what other rights I could wrong, what vague references to candy products I could make!

Weekly Headlines: 4/8/2016

So probably the biggest movie news of the week was the new Star Wars Rogue One trailer. To sum it up: It’s pretty sweet. I mean it’s not as awesome as the first Force Awakens trailer but it looks really good! Like the new heroine interesting appearance by Mon Mothma (if you don’t know who Mon Mothma is then congratulations: you are not a Star Wars nerd. Enjoy that whole, real life thing.) I’m not sure how I feel about that old man taking out Stormtroopers with a stick… they’re in armor right??? If you hit a stormtrooper with a stick that doesn’t… work, right?? Anyway, other than that I thought it looked great. Love a more, boots on the ground, Star Wars story. I think it’ll give us a cool look at Star Wars outside of the 6 characters we’ve been following around the galaxy for the last thirty years. JJ Abrams brought the Star Wars Franchise back, but this is the first real entirely new Star Wars concept and I’m all in after the trailer. Though I was disappointed that Wash (Alan Tudyk) didn’t make an appearance, though apparently he’s doing motion capture for a droid, which I did find dissapointing.

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One of the bigger questions is: who’s this guy? And why is he staring at that giant frozen Capri Sun?

Melissa McCarthy is coming back to Gilmore Girls. Yay. Be excited Stars Hollow people, this is good because Melissa McCarthy is an important part of the Gilmore Girls… girliverse?? And because it was gonna be real awkward to have her character constantly “in the other room” or “She just went to pick up the kids” or “something something probably coffee.”

Charlize Theron just signed on to play the main villain in Fast 8. The latest entry in the “how many weird ways can we use the words on The Fast and Furious” series. I mean we had Furious 7, now we’ve got Fast 8. What’s after this?? “The 9??” TFF9??? Still though, Theron will be fine. If nothing else Fast and Furious has proven it can have actors growl lines about “The street” convincingly. Maybe something about “It’s all about family” while sipping on a “Corona” driving a “chevy” and cashing their “promotional checks.”

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Fast 8: Cause someone, somewhere is still watching these.

Jungle Book: Origins has been pushed back again, this time all the way back to 2018. This Jungle Book not to be confused with the one that comes out next week, is directed by Andy “The Gollum” Serkis. This might be a reaction to the VERY positive early reviews from Disney’s Jungle Book, which (according to critics) “Is a movie, about a Jungle, but (in a shocking and unexpected twist) doesn’t actually feature any books.”

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Nerd Whining dropped more than one hundred million dollars between its first week and its second week while remaining the top movie at the box office. Expect another drop this week, but also expect it to stay atop the box office for another week. It’s biggest competition this week is gonna be umm… The Boss, I guess? A comedy starring the aforementioned Melissa McCarthy and featuring virtually no actual comedy, but only a tofu comedy-like substance.

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On the wall behind the painting, is another painting of another Melissa McCarthy. It’s Melissa McCarthy Inception: Melception.

That said, expect Jungle Book to come out next week and wipe the floor with BvS’s narratively confused corpse. Early reviews have been great and after two weeks with nothing to see but two superheroes growling about how much it sucks to be a superhero, people will flock to a movie that features likeable characters, a sensical story, and the one thing that Batman V Superman lacked the most: a giant monkey with the voice of Christopher Walken. Which (if you think about it) is what we’ve all been missing. All our lives.

Thank you Christopher, and goodnight.

Well Internet, we made it. It took us the better part of four years, an almost astonishingly mishandled trailer release, and about a billion pages worth of angry internet people spouting opinions into the cosmos. But we made it. There’s no cute little intro to this, no section where I talk about puppies and chicklets and list my favorite nonviolent dinosaurs. This is business, grim, nasty, somewhat unpleasant business… kind of like…

Micah Reviews: Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice.

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Batman V Superman V The Internet: The Real Conflict

 

Over the years (yes yearS) since this movie was announced it’s mostly been bad news. I didn’t really like the title, didn’t like the constant “this Justice League member will be in it, oh and THAT one, and that one,” and really didn’t like the trailers. But a few weeks ago I decided to try my best to put all this behind me, and go into the movie with an open mind, an open heart, and someone else’s open bag of skittle (cause a guys gotta eat.) So, did Batman V Superman award my attempt at open mindedness, and light snack theft?? Meh.

The Plot:

So it’s about 18 months after the events of “Man of Steel” AKA “That Time Superman Destroyed That City and Killed A LOT of People.” Bruce Wayne/Batman is doing his thing in Gotham, Superman is doing his thing… kinda everywhere. But the two are set on a collision course where they will inevitably have NO choice but to fight each other… kind of. I mean if either of them had said I don’t know… three words?? Back and forth they could have cleared the whole thing up pretty easily but they were REAL busy making mopey faces at each other so you can see where they would have been too busy.

super stand

“Sorry, if I spoke I might show some emotion. And that would simply not do.”

 

Meanwhile Lex Luthor is trying to destroy Superman and then umm… somehow benefit from that??? I guess. Look, I can’t go too much into this without spoiling things in the movie but for those of you who thought: “I bet Zach Snyder didn’t reveal the entire plot of the movie in that trailer” you were mostly wrong. There’s one or two things here that will moderately to slightly MAYBE  surprise you. If you’re not paying attention to large parts of the movie. That said, I don’t want to spoil anything too much here so we’ll move on to the pros and cons section.

The Positives:

Okay so there are some things this movie does well primarily (kind of) Batman. Couple really cool action sets with Batman and on the whole I think Ben Affleck did a really good job with it. That said (and I can’t spoil anything here so I won’t be specific) Batman himself is someone horribly misportrayed here. He does a LOT of very unBatman things, which aren’t just concerning for this movie but for all the movies from here on out. You can practically see Zack Snyder running around a room painting Batman into a corner… it’s just… it’s really weird. And unnecessary… maybe we’ll talk about this more in a spoilers section down below. I enjoyed Batman here and I really did like Batfleck it’s just… you wonder if Snyder really knows who Batman is or what makes him and his villains (one in particular) intriguing.

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You have beautiful eyes.

 

The fight scenes are good. Batman vs. Superman itself is cool (though shorter than I thought/hoped it would be) and the fight with a certain person whose appearance was spoiled in the trailer is… fine. Kind of CG and hard to see exactly what was going on, but they were strong on the whole.

I thought the look of the movie was cool, like the costumes and the powers look good.

Really the cast does well. They don’t have much to do, but they do well.

The Negatrons:

This movie is… just a mess. The plot doesn’t make sense. The reason Batman and Superman fight each other is completely avoidable and the reason they stop fighting is literally laughable. Lex Luthor’s plot is really vague and even if he succeeds you’re not sure exactly what good it will do him. Wonder Woman just sort of flits in and out and while I liked her character she didn’t really add or subtract anything from the movie. She was just sort of there.

The world still doesn’t work for me. And not just cause it’s grim (as I’ve said before) I’m fine with a grim super hero world. DC shouldn’t just make other Marvel movies, they should do their own thing, and a more dark world could definitely work. This one doesn’t. Cause it’s not just dark it’s utterly joyless. The heroes mope and pout and growl at each other. A building explodes and Superman just kind of stands there looking grim at things rather than… I don’t know, doing something.

Lex Luthor (one of the things I thought could work in this movie) REALLY didn’t. Not cause of Jesse Eissenberg, who was fine, but because his character just didn’t work. He fell into that classic Marvel movie villain trope where halfway through the movie he just kind of went insane for no reason. Lex Luthor is supposed to be this charismatic character who beats people by outthinking them, and out inventing them. He’s dangerous because he’s so thoughtful and methodic. He’s not yet another Joker rip-off whose plan is basically “let’s do this thing and hopefully it will hurt some people, and benefit me somehow!!!”

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“I don’t know… Why don’t we jus throw a bunch of chemicals in there and see if it magically creates that Golden Goose I’ve heard so much about.”

 

In conclusion:

In the end Batman V Superman is basically what we thought it would be. It’s basically Man of Steel with Batman. If you really liked Man of Steel, than you’ll really like this, and that’s fine. You do you. If, like me, you were underwhelmed by Man of Steel but not completely appalled by it, then that’s what this will do. I enjoyed BvS, but I didn’t enjoy it a lot. I thought it was fine, there was just enough cool comic book action to help me get over the blah world and characters. I certainly don’t regret watching it, but I probably will never watch it again.

I give it 2 Mopey Heroes, out of 5.

So there you go guys, it was a LOOOONG time coming. But we made it. And in the end… I guess it was worth it?? Maybe. And now one brief spoiler section on Batman so if you care about such things PLEASE stop reading here.

Seriously though, stop.

For reals.

Here we go.

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You’ve been warned, Citizen.

 

So… Batman kills people. Like a lot of people… with guns and bullets and things. WHAT??? Now look, Batman has always killed some people. I mean he punches people and drives a huge tank around after villains, invariably he will kill some people. He’s also killed some people VERY deliberately before. It’s something that has happened. But always at the core of Batman is the no kill rule (also no guns but… I mean let’s not get crazy with keeping true to the source material huh?) Batmans no kill rule is what makes him unique. Without that he’s just a rich guy, murdering dudes while dressed like a lunatic. It is also (and this is my main gripe) at the core of a lot of his relationships with his villains ESPECIALLY the Joker. The classic line from the Dark Knight about “an unstoppable force, meeting an immovable object’ is what Batman vs. the Joker is all about. If Batman is willing to kill people by say, murdering them with a chain gun mounted on the Batwing, or dragging their car behind the Batmobile like a Miley Cyrus wrecking ball, then him not just murdering the Joker and all his other villains is downright irresponsible. How can you make a Batman movie without that central internal conflict??? It’s just weird. And dumb. So I don’t know whether future Batman movies will just ignore all this and bring back Batman’s no kill rule, or whether they’ll try and somehow give us a weird reason Batman won’t kill the main villains but it just doesn’t make sense. So thanks, Zach Snyder, not only did you kinda ruin Batman V Superman, but you’ve succeeded in kind of ruining future Batman movies. Thanks a lot.

Hey Internet, so last week I went on a big long diatribe about how the Batman V Superman trailer basically outlined the entire plot of the movie beat for beat. Well some time has passed since then, I’ve learned, I’ve grown, I’ve eaten some Chinese food and I have come to the entirely logical conclusion that of course Batman V Superman’s trailer didn’t outline the entire movie second by second, thus spoiling the plot, and stealing any chance the film had of being even a little surprising. That would be crazy right??? Crazy!!

Of course, there’s some crazy twist in there that completely changes the movie and makes it totally okay, nay, awesome that Zach Snyder released a trailer that seemed (on the surface) to hand out a pamphlet to anyone wanting to watch his movie telling them EXACTLY what would happen. Of course there is.

So after hours of exhaustive research, and exhaustive exhaustion that resulted in hour long exhaustive and exhausted naps, here are my theories as to why this movie definitely didn’t ruin itself.

Batman V Superman: Crazy Fan Theories to Save the Movie from Its Tariler 

Theory 1: That’s not really Doomsday.  

It’s some sort of crazy mutant Ninja Turtle who, in the climactic conclusion of the movie, shows up with a large pizza and a message of peace and understanding to Batman and Superman, who both realize the errors of their ways and vow to live only by the power of pizza and the good ship called friendship.

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“I do NOT look like a Ninja Turtle!!”

 

Admittedly, this is a stretch. And stupid. And I’m mostly just reacting to the fact that Doomsday looks a little ridiculous.

Actually probability: 0 out of 10.

Theory 2: This movie features WAY more justice league than we think.

Okay this one is a little serious. Think about it, the movie builds to the climactic Doomsday/Ninja Turtle battle. Wonder Woman shows up and Superman and Batman have their cute little “She with you” banter. Then Doomsday just WRECKS them. I mean he’s Doomsday not, Kindtough-Day. Not Youhadabad-Day. Freekin’ Doomsday. So he just beats the SNOT out of Batman and Wonder Woman, then he pushes Superman to the breaking point when WHAM the Flash shows up, and Ka-pow Aquaman is there, and Shabizzle (not a comic book word… or a word at all) Cyborg is there. THEN they kill Doomsday. I mean that’d be pretty awesome right??? And all the sudden this trailer wouldn’t be a disaster, it would be a crazy awesome misdirect!

That said, this probably doesn’t happen. I mean, Snyder couldn’t even keep Michael Shannon from blabbing about Doomsday to the point where we all STRONGLY suspected he was in this thing, anyway. If he somehow kept secret the fact that three other Super-heroes showed up in this thing we should probably get him involved with the CIA somehow.

Actual probability: 2 out of 10.

Theory 3: Aquaman kills everyone.

Cause you knew I had to put this picture up here.

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And I’m not picking against this guy in a fight.

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In a fight between this guy and a dude who wears a cape and has what amounts to a huge target on his chest… I’m betting on this guy.

 

Actual probability: 1 out of 10.

Okay seriously though, this is the theory that makes the most sense…

Theory 4: The trailer actually is WAY out of order.

Okay follow me here cause this is good: So what if the Doomsday fight is in the middle of the movie. Batman and Superman don’t like each other at the beginning but over the course of the first half they actually develop a kind of weird friendship and respect for each other, when all the sudden Doomsday gets dropped into things and Superman basically destroys another city and a lot of people die before Doomsday gets taken down and THEN Batman is forced to decide that the world would be better off without Superman and that he must kill his friend. So he gets Lex Luthor (who unbeknownst to him made Doomsday using Zods body and strands of his own beautiful long, man hair) and the two of them team up to take down Supes. Superman is crushed and betrayed and he and Batman duke it out over an entire city while Wonder Woman (who helped them take down Doomsday) comes to try and talk sense into them. They keep fighting though, until finally it looks like one of them kills the other one and THAT is the end of the movie.

BOOM. Done. I will accept my check now Mr. Snyder. Not only does that fix the problem with the trailer but it also makes this kind of an awesome movie where two people who are friends are forced to fight and where one of them very possibly kills the other. (Though of course no one dies in comic books blah blah and et cetera.) Still though… that’s kind of awesome right??

Probably rating: 4 out of 10.

The hard truth: Probably none of those are true. Snyder is (to his credit) basically trying to do what Marvel has spent the last 15 movies of there Universe doing in roughly 1.5 movies. I mean what’s gonna make Captain America: Civil War so compelling is the fact that we’ve seen Iron Man and Captain America’s relationship grow and shrink in the last few movies. We know who both of them are and what they’ve been through, so the fact that they have to fight each other now is legitimately a tough thing. We have no idea who Batman and Superman are in this universe. They’re just these two cool looking characters that Zach Snyder is gonna make punch each other for a little bit, before something bigger and more punchier comes along.

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“What do you mean this face makes it look like I’m smelling trash??”

 

This doesn’t guarantee BvS will be a bad movie, it just makes it a predictable movie. It gives it a lot more of an uphill battle to goodness because I’ve seen this other places before AND I’ve now seen exactly this story before because you just showed the whole thing in your trailer. I’m sure the fight scenes will be awesome but the fight scenes in Man of Steel were pretty great and the biggest of fans would have to concede to Man of Steel not being a great movie. Maybe good. Probably just okay. But who knows.

 

 

Well hey guys, and welcome to another incredible episode of a series in which I make snap judgements about things, that I do not have all the information about, and into which I have put no research… so basically every post. This also marks the end of a week in which I posted twice (the right number of posts) but managed to do those two posts on other days then I am supposed to do them. This is a lot like doing the right thing for the wrong reasons except in this case it’s doing the right thing for the wrong reasons at the wrong time for the right purpose. So put that in your little hat and smoke it.

But enough useless extemporaneousing, let’s get to the real meat and potatoes of this blog: Wild and unfounded speculation.

Judging Covers 12-4-2015 

Captain America: Civil War

Ah, now see that’s just great. I’m very excited for this movie because (hopefully) it’s a VERY different direction for the Marvel franchise. This isn’t just another “Oh no someone’s trying to destroy the world, with an ancient weapon from the dawn of time and a spatula.” This is a real, personal story about a group of people with very similar goals but very disparate ways of achieving those goals… And also lots of  people punching each other. But mostly just that first thing.

This trailer also gives us our first look at the sweet sweet Black Panther costume, which is (as previously mentioned) pretty dang sweet. I’m gonna talk a little more about this trailer after I’m done with the next one so I don’t want to use all my ammunition early but this looks like a real solid movie. It has a very similar feel to Captain America: Winter Soldier which was really solid and just felt more ground level than Age of Ultron (which I loved) but for a smaller scale story, I think the Winter Soldier style fits a lot better. I’m very excited for this movie and this trailer only made me more excited. And now… for that other one.

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice 

So… is it just me or is that the entire movie we just watched?? Cause I kind of feel like it was the entire movie. I mean… look let’s not get ahead of ourselves, this could still be a good movie. But… that was the plot of the movie. Batman and Superman meet they don’t like each other, they have different ideologies, here comes Lex Luthor who wants Batman to fight Superman, Batman fights Superman, they realize maybe they’re not that different and should have hugs and kittens and puppies and not fight, so Lex Luthor makes Doomsday and sends him to kill Superman… and then Wonder Woman shows up. Sooooo yeah… that’s the movie.

Look I hate that this blog always makes me sound like a DC hater and a Marvel… appreciater. But DC just gave away the entire plot of their movie and the one thing we weren’t sure was going to happen (Doomsday showing up) in like… the second trailer for the movie? Whereas Marvel just put out a great trailer that left a lot of things unanswered but highlighted the interesting and (hopefully) different plot points of this movie. None of that is to say BvS will be bad, or that Civil War will be good, these are (after all) just trailers. But isn’t it probably a bad thing that I just summarized what is 99% likely the plot of Batman vs. Superman after watching a 3 minute trailer? Sure, there could be some crazy twist in there that no one will see coming but… probably not. Maybe Aquaman shows up and kills Doomsday with Sharks or something I don’t know, but I kinda doubt it.

I mean, look, to a certain point every movies plot is fairly predictable; especially a movie like Batman 5 Superman. You can’t have Batman kill Superman with Kryptonite and then move on to found a successful line of Bat-bakeries. They’re going to fight, then they’re probably going to team up. But I’m pretty sure I didn’t need that 100% confirmed. At least leave me thinking you MIGHT mix it up.

I realize comic book movies mostly make money on the ways in which dudes punch other dudes (or dude-etts) in their various facial reasons but you’ve got to at least TRY and have an unpredictable plot right?? So maybe this will still be a good movie, and hey Eisenberg and Affleck really looked awesome in their respective new roles so I’m excited for that. Also, can someone explain to me why Superman seems to now have adopted the constant facial expression of a man who has too recently changed a dirty diaper?? I’m just asking.

Okay so those were the big trailers, and me writing long paragraphs about things that I probably have entirely misunderstood, but before we leave; before I send you off like babes into the wild wild world without these walls let’s just take ourselves a second and watch a VERY well done trailer for a movie for which I am VERY excited.

A Monster Calls 

Ah… wasn’t that great?? Doesn’t it just cleanse your pallet after listening to me gripe about ‘Batman 5 Superman: Let the Money Roll Over You.’ I’m super excited for this movie, and for spending a solid hour and a half of theater times covered in the smooth, dulcet, chocolaty, tones of Mr. Liam Neeson. Goodnight everyone, and God bless.

Well hey internet, and welcome to the party. So about a week ago Comic-con was a thing and there has been a lot of hull and ballou made about some of the various trailers that came out that week so here is a famous, fabulous, and frivolous segment that we have called Judging Covers in which I go around and make snap judgements about things that I have done very little research on!!

Sisters

Okay so this wasn’t a comic con trailer. But if you can’t stop and salute a Tina Fey and Amy Poehler movie what exactly are you doing with your life? Comedies are probably the toughest genre to do a trailer on because it’s pretty easy to make a hilarious comedy trailer just by dropping in your movies two best jokes. Sure those might be the only two good jokes actually in the movie but wasn’t that trailer hilarious??? It’s the movie equivalent of letting someone taste test a 4000 dollar bottle of wine, and then actually serving them a bottle of that wine with the wine removed and replaced by stagnant pond water in which resides a great white shark.

That said: Sisters looks great.

Basically the peanut butter and jelly of comedy.

Basically the peanut butter and jelly of comedy.

Fantastic Four: 

Get ready to read this a lot: Still on the fence about this one. I liked this trailer, I like the cast, I like the fact that this movie seems to be taking itself more seriously, while at the same time having some fun characters and characterization. BUT, it’s still a fantastic four movie. The Fantastic four two of whom are less interesting copies of other heroes (Thing and the Invisible Woman) one of whom is an interesting character that we’ve seen A LOT of in other movies (the Human Torch) and the other of whom is a man with what is probably the worst super power in the recorded history of made up super-powers (being stretchy like a rubber band.) Couple that with the fact that the last two movies in this particular franchise were teeth numbingly bad and I have some MAJOR trust issues with this movie.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice 

Full honesty? I liked this trailer a lot. I think Ben Affleck makes a great Batman, I liked the fact that we may be exploring a little bit of the repercussions of Superman basically destroying an entire city in Man of Steel and then snapping that dudes neck like a kit kat bar. And I actually really liked our brief looks at Jesse Eissenbergs Lex Luther. It was a really solid trailer.

Do I think it’ll actually be a good movie??? Say it with me: Still on the fence about this one. I feel like it can be safely said that it will not be a great movie. Unless (and this isn’t gonna make a lot of sense) Lex Luther saves it. Cause we know who Batman and Superman will be in this universe. They will both be dark and growly and scowly and want to punch things. Not bad, but not entertaining people. I can’t relate at all to the fact that Superman is struggling with controlling his super powers… I have, in fact, the exact opposite problem. They will be there, their fights will be cool, but they will not take this movie from ‘meh’ (which it will probably be) to ‘good.’ The one guy who can do that is Lex Luthor. Cause Luthor can be very interesting as he struggles to find his place within a world that has suddenly completely changed the rules on him. He can also be a much needed injection of comic relief and (dare we say it) actual character energy. As weird as it is in this extremely dark and depressing world with incredibly gritty and depressed super heroes it could actually be the villain who brightens the world up for us some.

Though if you look at his hair too long, you will lose all will to live.

Though if you look at his hair too long, you will lose all will to live.

Anyway, I liked this trailer, I don’t think the movie will be great, but I also don’t think it will be a strawberry jelly filled train wreck. There’s even a chance (Jesse Eisenberg dependent) this movie could be pretty good.

 Suicide Squad – 

I’m actually 100 percent on bored with this movie. I like the idea of a team of super villains teaming up to save the ‘magical thing we’re saving today.’ Very on board with Will Smith as Deadshot who looks great and I’m sure will give the movie some heart, and the rest of the team around him seems like they’ll be a lot of fun to watch do their thing. Hopefully it’ll be a nice break from the norm for super hero movies and really DC comics have always had the best villains, so why not just let them out and let them do their thing. Could be a really good movie. But that’s not what you came here for I’m sure. You’re here for:

Micah’s Thoughts on the New Joker

Everyone knows I loved Heath Ledger’s joker. He was fantastic, perfect for the movie he was in, and it is a tragedy we didn’t get to see him do more. But, that particular time (sadly cut short though it was) has passed. We’ve got a new DC Universe, a new Batman, and it only stands to reason that we would get a new joker. So, how does Jared Leto do?? Well, first off let’s bear in mind that I’m pretty much working with roughly three lines of dialogue so I could be 100 percent wrong on this BUT assuming these three lines are actually how he does the whole thing: I’m on board.

I like the voice, I like that he didn’t just put on long green hair and try and be Heath Ledger and I like that he didn’t go straight comic book with it ether. What I was hoping was that we would get a brand new look at a character who their have been a ton of iterations of and that it would be more along Heath Ledger’s joker while at the same time not being a carbon copy and I think that’s what we’ve got. Though once again: three lines of dialogue.

So there you go guys!! I somehow managed to do four full trailer reviews and at some point in each of them fully admit that I have no idea what I was talking about!! Yup, it’s good to be back ladies and gentlemen. It’s good to be back.

Well hey audience, in the last couple weeks a lot of people have asked me questions about the whole Batman vs. Superman and I (on the whole) have ignored them entirely. This is mostly because the movie doesn’t come out for TWO YEARS and there will be more than enough time for me to freak out in that time but recent developments have left me no choice but to speak my piece… whatever that means.

First off let’s take a look at this:

Oh Sad-batman... cheer up sir!!

Oh Sad-batman… cheer up sir!! Also: what is that behind you?? Cheer up and turn around Batman!! Turn around!! 

Aside from all the hilarious memes that have been born out of this, I have no real problem with the costume. The new Batman has tiny ears and a HUGE batman symbol  but that’s okay. I mean, it’s not as bad as it could be. Here’s the thing (and forgive me if this is a little repetitive) while it’s easy to do Batman wrong (hello George Clooney) doing Batman right does not necessarily guarantee you a good movie. It’s not super hard to do Batman right: glowery face, rough voice, parent issues, cool looking costume. What makes a Batman movie good or bad only has a tiny little bit to do with Batman and EVERYTHING to do with the characters around him. Chris Nolan’s Batman movies are awesome cause they have awesome villains. Clooney’s Batman sucked not because of George Clooney (though he didn’t help a lot) but because they had HORRIBLE villains. Batman is (a very very cool) constant, around which a very interesting cast of characters revolves. Let us just say this then: the Batman costume is pretty good. Unfortunately this does not mean anything about what sort of movie this will be.

Ya know what does speak to that?? The movie’s title.

Oh... that's why Batman was sad...

Oh… that’s why Batman was sad…

That’s right folks Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. First off: the people at DC do know that the abbreviation for versus is vs right? Not v, v is the roman numeral symbol for five. So essentially we have just named this movie Batman 5 Superman: Dawn of Justice. Are there five supermen? Or is this the fifth Batman? Why is there a 5??? What is happening? Surely there wasn’t some big executive meeting where someone said:

“What if we just took the “s” off of verses? I mean “v” looks much better than “vs”  right? I’m sure no one will question that decision!”

But this is not my chief concern for this movie. My chief concern is the whole “Dawn of Justice” thing. DC’s desperate attempt to keep up with Marvel’s Avengers has always been a little concerning to me. You always got the sense marvel had this huge longterm plan  when they came up with the Avengers. Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America had awesome solo movies and you just kind of got the feeling throughout that they all interconnected very nicely. Hulk kind of came out of nowhere but Hulk’s film destiny always laid with him being sort of a minor character. It’s one thing to watch a guy genuinely struggle with his powers and his ability to come off as normal for twenty minutes of a 2 hour movie, but watching him do that for an entire two hours is just dumb. The point is though, Marvel carefully crafted a universe that accepted heroes and then wove those heroes together into one movie. They are (in this particular and very weird illustration) the turtle. They were slow, steady, and they are now fabulously wealthy… which I think is how that story ends.

DC comics saw that and thought “man we need to get in on that we need to make a Justice League movie” (Justice League is essentially Avengers accept, ya know, suckier) but the problem was the only movie franchises they had were Chris Nolan’s now finished Batman series, and the frankly HORRIBLE green lantern movie. So now we’re fast tracking things, we made a Superman movie that was only kind of… weird… if not necessarily bad. The problem is that rather than letting the rest of their universe come together a piece at a time DC threw  Batman into their next Superman movie. Then it came out that Wonder Woman would also be making a cameo and then more than a cameo and now we’re at today (or more accurately yesterday) and the official naming of Batman 5 Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Basically what that title lets us know is that they aren’t even trying anymore. This movie is purely a bridge to the bigger better movie that they actually want to make. These are the same people who made a Superman movie that could most accurately be described as “passable” and now not only are they making a far more complicated movie with TONS of moving parts but they essentially just proclaimed to everyone that this isn’t the movie that they actually want you to watch. Now, I’m not saying this movie will be 100 percent horrible, I’m just saying the absolute most I am expecting out of this is another “passable” movie. And it really is a shame.

So there you go guys I have just spent the last several hundred words talking about a movie that is still two years away! You’re welcome, goodnight, and good weekend!