Posts Tagged ‘Adam Sandler’

Hey Internet, you know what we haven’t done in a while???

Weekly Headlines: 1/27/15

In our lead story today: Winter hates you. It hates me. Winter hates everyone. The fact that it didn’t snow as badly as it was supposed to this weekend only proves it more. Winter is after you, America. It’s after your face.

I want to be that cat now... forever.

I want to be that cat now… forever.

The super bowl is this Sunday but thus far mostly we haven’t been talking much about football, but have instead been talking about ‘footballs’ and whether or not certain footballs were inflated or deflated or reflated appropriately. Never have you heard so much about the amount of air that filled the skin of a dead animal. Now, I’m a Patriots fan, this stuff matters to me, but I am SO tired of hearing about it. Please stop. Ya know what’s gonna happen as a result of all this??? Nothing. They will still play football on Sunday and one of the two teams that play in that football game will beat the other team that  does not score as many points as that first team that does not do those same things.

In other football related news: I’m a huge patriots fan and I don’t care and I  hope we win no matter whose inflating or deflating their various balls. Sorry sports fans: that’s bias for you. You’d do the same if it was your team, it’s a weird world we live in.

So Jennifer Lopez and Johnny Depp were in two terrible movies this week. It’s so sad that I am not surprised by the second thing. Depp has really just become some weird bizzarro version of himself. He was in to many weird “comedies” in a row. He got on this Captain Jack train and couldn’t get off. Someone needs to have an intervention with him and make him sit down and watch his last three movies back to back. If that doesn’t wake him up… it may be too late.

Why Johnny Depp?? Why??

Why Johnny Depp?? Why??

Emma Watson was recently signed on to Disney’s live action Beauty and the Beast. Thus far I haven’t been crazy impressed by Disney’s “let’s do those same movies we did before but not as good” campaign. Maleficent was a super weird take on Sleeping Beauty that ruined sleeping beauty AND maleficent and potentially just… movies in general. And I’m super dubious about Cinderella. Even the trailers look tired and over-stretched. They feel like trailers you’ve seen before for things you don’t care about. Watson posted on facebook something about “taking voice lessons” so maybe it’ll still be a musical (the new Cinderella is not) but… I just can’t make myself care about a live action version of a whimsical animated movie that I’ve seen before. Plus… how creepy does the talking furniture become if it’s live action? Super creepy.

The first trailer for Fantastic Four came out today. This morning in fact. It looks umm…. Different. I mean it certainly looks like it will be as straight up horrible as the first two movies were but it didn’t really tell us much about the movie and it still contains three horrible superpowers out of a team of four. And the trailer seems to be veering a little bit more towards the “Man of Steel” super hero territory of “grim dark gritty seriousness” I mean I like Batman as much anyone but not everyone can be Batman. Only Batman can be Batman. Stop trying to be Batman, Super-stretchy terrible super powered scientist. Just stop.

So Adam Sandler just announced his first movie for Netflix. It’s called “Ridiculous 6” and features Sandler playing someone raised by Native Americans who— yeah I don’t care at all. It’s gonna suck.

David Tennant has signed on to play a Super-villain in the upcoming Jessica Jones TV show. I know nothing about the Super-villain but it will be  AWESOME. Nuff. Said.

I don't understand anything about this picture... Except David Tennant is awesome.

I don’t understand anything about this picture… Except David Tennant is awesome.

Well hey Internet, and welcome to Thursday. The day before Friday and the first in a long spiral of weekends that will inevitably land us with Halloween and (blessings to us all) some decent movies. But before we get to those let’s get to a little I like to put in bold font and center called:

Weekly Headlines 10/2/14

In our lead story Adam Sandler just signed a contract with Netflix to make 4 movies exclusively for the online movie giant. I think this is great because it skips the parts where the horrible movies Adam Sandler has been making lately go into theaters and skips straight to the part where Netflix recommends them to me and I ignore them.

Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor was released this month (for Xbox One and PS4 anyway) to some fairly awesome reviews. Shadow of Mordor has gotten some really good reviews as it’s a game that gives you the chance to do some other stuff and then MURDER A BUNCH OF ORCS. And then probably still do some other stuff. I may be sketchy on the non-essential details.

A full trailer for “Exodus: Gods and Kings” came out this week and it looks pretty solid! For those of you who don’t know Exodus tells the story of Moses in a real historical, biblical setting, as told by two super white guys pretending to be Egyptian/Israelite. Unlike this years earlier Cinematic Biblical Blockbuster “Noah and the Rock Monsters of Angeldom” there’s at least a small chance that someone involved with this movie read the Bible story it’s based on. I’m at least moderately excited for this mess because “Egyptian Batman” totally works for me.

If just once he grabs Pharoah and whispers "I'm Moses" I will die happy.

If just once he grabs Pharaoh and whispers “I’m Moses” I will die happy. Possibly directly afterword.

Speaking of trailers the first trailer for Taken 3 is out and folks… I’m in. I thought Taken 2 looked unnecessary and contrived and just a weird idea in general but it was at least a good action movie that followed Liam Neeson around and watched him punch people. My problem with Taken 2 really was that it just looked too much like the original Taken. This movie though seems to be taking (ha ha) the series in a new direction while still featuring its strongest asset: the concrete blocks of mystical wonder that are the fists of Liam Neeson. Plus Famke Jensson gets murdered! And who doesn’t want to watch that? (in a movie… don’t make it weird internet.)

This weekend’s box office features three new movies! The wife kidnapped thriller suspense thingy: Gone Girl. The horror movie that looks exactly like every other horror movie ever: Annabelle. And (of course) the really bad looking movie starring Nicolas Cage: Left Behind. All that to say if you’re looking for a movie to watch this weekend, watch Gone Girl. The other two come with FDA warnings involving the contents of the movie doing permanent damage to your brain cells. And they will children. They will.

For those of you who are about to hate on me for judging Left Behind before I’ve seen it, I just want you to know that I saw the last Left Behind and so far most people who have seen it agree that this Left Behind is somehow WORSE than that one. And let’s not underestimate the hard work the last Left Behind movie put in to make sure that couldn’t happen. But never underestimate the ability of Nic Cage and a bunch of genuinely earnest but unfortunately misled people who thought that this was a good idea.

Oh I should probably mention that the number one movie at the Box Office this week was “The Equalizer.” The Equalizer is nothing you haven’t seen before, Denzel Washington is a deadly man out for revenge against some people not as deadly as he is. That said the Liam Neeson Principle applies here and there’s enough face punching and Denzelhood to make up for a fairly “meh” plot and a lack of supporting talent.

In other Netflix news, Netflix recently greenlighted their first major motion picture Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 2: Electric Boogaloo. Yeah Netflix, you go! You get that sequel to a movie with a plot so loosely put together you could literally say that pretty much ANY martial arts movie that came out since then was its sequel. Don’t get me wrong: I think Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is awesome and responsible for a great sub-genre of martial arts awesomeness but why couldn’t you just make a movie about literally ANY bunch of people doing Martial Arts? Did you really NEED to attach your tiny Netflix flag to a major motion picture just to make yourselves feel like a real boy?

A movie that defies gravity. Over and over and over and over and over.

A movie that defies the laws of gravity. Over and over and over and over and over again. This is probably Isaac Newton’s least favorite movie ever.

And finally in a VERY timely piece of news, last night Pixar (Disney’s little film company that could) released a trailer for their next full Computer animated movie: Inside Out. And that trailer told us NOTHING about the movie. It has something to do with the emotions inside of our heads (Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear) all being represented by different characters and theirs a little girl who all of this is happening inside of? Maybe. And that’s it. “But Micah” you’re no doubt saying, “how could a trailer that lasts one minute and 41 seconds tell you nothing about the actual movie?” The answer to that question is because the first minute or so of the trailer is a bunch of flashbacks to other Pixar movies. For some reason. So yes, Pixar is not only advertising their new movie (which we now know for sure is about something) but it’s also (simultaneously) advertising for ALL of its old movie. Well played Disney. Well played.

Internet, hail and hark and… things. And how is the happenings? How haps the tremblings? How caps the… yeah I’m gonna stop. Immediately. And speaking of caps!!!!

I still haven’t seen Captain America 2. So we’re not gonna talk about it. At all. Except for to say I won’t talk about it. Which I won’t.

Instead let’s talk about umm… what are we gonna talk about guys? Oh ya know what we haven’t done in a while? We haven’t done…

Weekly Headlines 4/7/14 

In news we promised that I wouldn’t talk about mere sentences ago Captain America: The Winter Soldier premiered this weekend to rave reviews, high ticket sales, and Disney executives using the money to purchase the continent of Africa.

In news that I really really wish that I didn’t have to talk about they’re remaking Gremlins. Yup… Gremlins. This is like your mom cooking you a meal that prominently featured steak knife pieces and gastric acid and then announcing a year later that she’s remaking it with better technology and no concept of an original idea.

The Other Woman starring Cameron Diaz NEEDS TO STOP RUNNING ADDS!! We get it people-who-made-The-Other-Woman. Please stop. Because not only have you run a million different adds for your movie but it’s not even like your movie has a particularly original premise. A group of women find out they are in a relatiohsip with the same guy and get revenge on him? That’s been done. A lot. It’s been done badly a lot. And by all accounts you will probably do it badly as well. So at least let the people from Downy try and sell me more toilet paper or something and leave my computer alone!!

Godzilla keeps releasing trailers and teasers and all sorts of random weirdness all the while being very careful to never actually show ya know… Godzilla. I have no problem at all with this, I mean you obviously don’t want to give away Godzilla’s full look but PLEASE stop releasing trailers showing different angles of Godzilla’s left kneecap. One angle is enough.

Hey look it's a tiny part of a monster... again.

Hey look it’s a tiny part of a monster… again.

The Expendables 3 released a “Roll Call” trailer in which it displayed the names of all the famous old people in it. At this point the expendables has become the elderly nursing home of Hollywood. I mean Kelsey Grammer???? What is he doing in action movie? That’s like casting Amanda Seyfried in a meaningful romantic role in a beloved musical.

Oh wait...

Oh wait…

So in 2016 (two years from now for those counting) Captain America 3 and Batman vs. Superman will release on the same date!! And for some reason… everyone cared. Two years before the movies were supposed to come out. I mean I’m a movie guy a BIG movie guy? But two years???? I don’t care.

Yet.

Consequently Transcendence (coming out ya know… before I turn 60) still looks awesome. Johnny Depp could actually be a super computer. Who would be surprised? If you punched “eccentric pirate” into a super-computer smart enough to rule humanity wouldn’t it spit out Jack Sparrow??

And in our last story Adam Sandler is making another movie. Why is he doing that?

Thanks for reading everyone check back in Thursday as I stubbornly write another Liam Neeson article just to see how long I can keep this up!!

Hey everyone, well it’s time for another Monday posting and as I stood and looked out at my vast internet kingdom, I thought to myself. “Self, every rose has its thorn. Just like every night has its dawn. Just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song.” And when I was done quoting the lyrics to old songs by oddly named rock groups, I decided to sit down and right another post about Redbox! Not because I’ve been way too busy to watch any new movies lately, but because I believe that all men, women, and various mutant lizard type things who might read this in the future “Giant Lizard Society of Indonesia” deserve to be free from the tyranny of bad movies! So read on denizens of the interweb. And be free.

Jack and Jill-

Look at this picture and tell me this won't be a terrible movie? Yeah... I didn't think so.

Have I seen it- Nope.

Will I- Nope.

I would like to officially submit to the world that Adam Sandler is no longer funny. Officially submitted. Let me just describe to you the main plot point of this movie: Adam Sandler has a twin sister also played by Adam Sandler. There are certain movie script ideas that sit at the bottom of the “Comedians Who Have Run Out of Original Ideas” trash can, and this is the one at the bottom. In fact this is the idea that is stuck to the bottom with the chewing gum of other less funny people. In fact, this is the idea stuck to the bottom and used as waste paper for the pigeons of other less funny, homeless people. And yet somehow Adam Sandler still thought this was a good idea. If you value your brain, you will not watch Jack and Jill.

 Grimm’s Snow White-

Okay is it just me or does it look like someone photoshopped Alice from "Alice in Wonderland" into the front of this picture?

Have I Seen It- Nope

Will I- Maybe… for comedy purposes.

I love it when this happens. For those of you who don’t know there are two movies this summer that are “live action spins on Snow White… and things”.  One of them (Mirror Mirror) looks like it was designed, written, and acted by dyslexic dolphins. And the other one looks pretty cool and has Chris Awesome Hemsworth in it. Anyway this movie is neither of those movies but is hoping that when you go to Redbox you’ll think “Oh I heard about that movie. It looked decent.” And rent it, hoping to watch Chris Hemworth hack at things with axes.

I feel like this picture is all the proof I need that Mirror Mirror will be a horrible movie.

Anyway by all accounts this movie looks terrible, is terrible, and will continue to be terrible but I might rent it just cause I want to sit and make fun of it in a gregarious sort of way.

Footloose-

Tune in for the thrilling sequel to Footloose, Carloose!!

Have I seen it- Nope.

Will I- Probably not.

By all accounts this was a movie that wasn’t as terrible as its premise sounds. Then again when your premise is “A small town where dancing is illegal is changed forever by the arrival of a rebellious dancing guy and a preachers daughter” really the only place to go is up. Regardless of all that though, supposedly the movie wasn’t terrible. But, then again… again, if someone came up to me and said: “Hey I made this crème bule out of the corpse of my pet Komodo Dragon, Herbert the Conqueror, and it’s not terrible.” I wouldn’t exactly be standing in line with my plate held anxiously afore me. Frankly there are a lot of “not terrible” movies that I would rather watch. For instance…

Hugo

I feel like the whole "Hanging perilously from a clock" thing has officially been overdone. Sort of like horror movies have overdone "decapitated statue of liberty." Thus I propose a new craze "hanging perilously from the decapitated statue of liberty."

Have I Seen It- No.

Will I- Maybe Probably…

There are two distinct groups where Hugo is concerned there’s the “yeah, I really liked it” group who are mostly people who watch a lot of movies and are generally intelligent and slightly pretentious. And then there’s the “Yeah it looked kinda cool but I never really understood what was going on.” These are generally people who weren’t paying attention or came to the theater waiting for something to get blown up. On the whole I would generally recommend Hugo, which (for those of you who haven’t heard) is sort of a shout out to classic films and filmmakers. I haven’t watched it yet (obviously) but I plan to and will probably have more to say on its relative pretentiousness when I’m done.

There Be Dragons-

Probably the greatest waste of the word "dragon" in modern film history.

Have I Seen It- No.

Will I- Definitely not.

You know what this movie is about? Two friends in the Spanish Revolution who wind up on opposite sides of the conflict. You know what this movie isn’t about?? DRAGONS!!! You can’t just tack dragons onto the end of your movie to make people watch it! That’s like misrepresenting the entire proud dragon race!! Dragonheart had a dragon in it! How to Train Your Dragon, Dragon Crusades, Puff the Magic etc. you know what all of those movies have in common?? Actual Dragons!!! I mean at least “Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” told us that the only dragons we would be getting would be in tattoo form. And don’t try and tell me you somehow snuck a dragon into pre-World War 2 Spain, Movie. I am officially not watching this purely out of principle. The only time I can remember being this disappointed in a movie title was when I realized that Remember the Titans was really just a touching story of football and racism in the South and not about a football team comprised of mythological greek gods… which is actually a great idea for a movie… umm… Copyright that idea…

Well I hope you all have a great Monday. Check back in here on Thursday for (possibly) another live blog movie… thing depending on if I can snag a few free hours and a copy of Grimm’s Snow White. I’m gonna go write a movie pitch for that football idea now… I’m thinking of calling it “First and Titan”…