Posts Tagged ‘10 Cloverfield Lane’

Well hey Internet, and welcome to another week in a month that can’t seem to make up its mind whether it wants to be spring or not. April, you’re spring. I promise. I know it’s hard sometime, what with winter standing next to you looking all dark and menacing with its beard all full of snowman, and crushed dreams and Jack Frost biting noses or whatever. But you’re spring, April. Be brave.

And on with the show:

Box Office Top Ten: 4/12/2016

10. Eye in the Sky

A movie starring Helen Mirren and Aaron Paul, Eye in the Sky is a taught, well told, political thriller. Good luck finding a theater showing it though! Ironically about a movie centering around drones that see everywhere: you can’t see this thing anywhere.  Also: Alan Rickman, is in this. Sadness.


We miss you, Allen.


9. 10 Cloverfield Lane

Another great, very well told suspense movie Cloverfield Lane is not just for fans of the original Cloverfield. In fact the two have practically nothing to do with each other. They aren’t sister movies, so much as they are second cousin movies who have never met, or spoken to one another. Cloverfield was kind of clunky, and poorly shot, and basically was one semi-effectual gimmick away from being just another dumb monster movie. Cloverfield Lane is well shot, brilliantly acted, and very well streamlined. It’s great. Go see it (assuming you can find it.)

8. The Divergent Series: Allegiant

Speaking of clunky movies: Allegiant. The Hunger Games movie kind of got progressively worse (though 2 was still very good) and the Divergent Series seems to be following the Hunger Games straight down the steep steep landslide into terrible. The first movie in the series was tolderable, the last two have been nigh on unwatchable. It’s a shameful waste of Shailene (yes that’s how you spell her name) Woodley, but not as much of a shameful waste as the people whose time was wasted watching it.


“Wait, I can’t leave until I do another one of these?”


7. God’s Not Dead 2

It’s basically that “God’s Not Dead” movie just… again. Even in the niche genre of “Christian Movies” this is pretty bad. Not unlike the incredibly polar opposite genre the Horror movie, Christian movies can be really good, but tend to mire themselves down too much with sticking to tired tropes and feeding their existing fan base, but not really focusing on telling good stories, or writing complete characters.

6. Miracles From Heaven

Another Christian Genre movie, Miracles From Heaven is MUCH better then God’s Not Dead 2 (or GND2 as I will now refer to it.) It’s by no means The King Speech or anything but Jennifer Garner delivers a great performance in the lead and the characters are more rounded and the story more balanced.

5. Hardcore Henry

And speaking of Genre movies, here’s Hardcore Henry. An interesting idea, and definitely a movie aimed squarely at action fans, Hardcore Henry doesn’t even really bother with a story so much as it moves one hot person from one place to another and then make the main character (Henry as you may have assumed) chase her. It’s basically Mario… if Mario were an insane psychopathic murderer with a camera in his head… So not that much like Mario.




4. My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

What’s that?? A sequel that came FAR too late, and that no one really wanted turned out not have any original ideas and lacked any sort of narrative structure or humor??? And is getting slammed by critics. Man. That is shocking. If only I had been saying that on this blog since this movie was announced. Seriously Hollywood, why did you make this??? Who thought this was a good idea??

3. Zootopia

Really the only widely available must see movie on this list, Zootopia still sits at a whopiing 98% on Rotten Tomatoes. Funny, inventive, and heartfelt Zootopia isn’t quite up there with Inside Out, but it is still a great movie that you should see regardless of the presence of small children in your life. And that you should DEFINITELY take your small children to see. By the time you get out of there it may be time for them to go to bed, And isn’t that the best time?

2. Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

Somewhat shocking to find BvS at number 2 already but word of mouth is KILLING this movie. Even I can’t fully recommend going to see this, that said, it’s not terrible. I mean it’s not Fantastic 4. I’d even say, it’s better than Man of Steel (though not by much.) BvS’s big problem is that it was made by a person with what could charitably called a “lack of regard” for the characters he’s working with. Zach Snyder directs a good fight scene, but he hasn’t built a good world or interesting characters to inhabit the space between those fights.

1. The Boss

The talented duo of Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Bell turn in a VERY by the numbers comedy that doesn’t really make use of neither the talent, nor the duoness it has at its disposal. The jokes these two have to work with bring this whole movie crashing down around itself and it’s a shame that it never lives up to the strength of its cast.


“Yeah… sorry kid. I don’t want to be here either.”

So there you go guys! The top ten, with a sad sad amount of bottomness involved. Check back Thursday for more excitement, more thrills, more thoughts… we might have had.

Well hey Internet, and congratulations. We made it. We survived the horrors of Jefbruary. The empty theaters, the sad movies. The weeping faces of our children, the cries of our elderly, the beards of our peers. We made it.

And so we welcome March, like Creed would want us to, with arms wide open. And what does March hug us back with? What warm cinematic delights will be served on our barren plates? Let’s find out together.

The Marvelous Movies of March

March 4th

Knight of Cups – Terrence Malick returns with Knight of Cups a movie about Christian Bale and… yeah I have no idea what this is about. It’s Terrence Malick though so… odds are I won’t know what it’s about after I watch it either. Something something ‘follow your heart’ something something ‘maybe the world isn’t so bad.’ Oscar nomination.


Terrence Malick Movies: Basically Eye Marijuana


Zootopia – Take your kids to see this movie. I don’t know what else to tell you, if you don’t have kids, borrow someone else’s kids and take them… Or… ya know, just go. Avoid the criminal charges. It’s gonna be great. Of course it’s gonna be great, it’s Disney. They have literally copywrited ‘great.’

London Has Fallen – Nope.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot – Tina Fey stars in a movie about an American reporter in war time Afghanistan. Looks pretty solid honestly, good cast, decent looking script. I don’t think it’ll be anything to change your life but this looks like a nice, well thought out mix of comedy and drama. I mean I’d go see Zootopia first (cause Disney owns… ya know everything) but this looks really good.


Everyone gives thanks for Tina Fey.


Wow, look at March coming out of the gate strong. Thanks March, we missed you.

March 11th

The Brothers Grimsby – Oh look it’s that guy from Borat and he made a spy movie… yay?? Oh wait no. It’s gonna be terrible.

10 Cloverfield Lane – Look, I wasn’t a huge fan of the original Cloverfield because I enjoy movies that look like they were filmed by professionals, and make sense. That said this looks… good? I mean if nothing else it’s impressive that up until about a month ago no one knew this movie existed at all. I’m gonna keep an eye on this, if the reviews are good I’ll probably check it out, if nothing else just to see that guy who voiced Sully from Monsters Inc. go completely insane. Nothing like slowly stabbing my childhood memories to death.


The Cabin in the Woods’ weird cousin.


March 18th

The Divergent Series: Allegiant – Wait these movies are still going?? Is this the third one or the fourth one?? Is Four still alive? Is his name still Four??


It’s like even the characters in the movie, aren’t entirely sure the movie is still happening.


March 25th

Get a Job – Anna Kendrick and Miles Teller star in a coming of age story about two college graduates who work a series of strange jobs and learn about… life?? I gues. Anyway, the movie also star Bryan Cranston and seems to be a pretty solid entry into a fairly saturated ‘Boy Life After College Kind of Sucks Doesn’t It?’ movies. It’ll be good, not sure about anything else but I’ll probably see it.

I Saw the Light – Tom Hiddleston (yes, Loki/British Tom Hiddleston) stars as country western star Hank Williams… Yup, Country Western. Tom Hiddleston. If nothing else you’ll see this cause your desperate to hear Tom Hiddleston talk in a DEEP southern accent for 2 hours. I fully intend to just pretend this is a weird sort of Earthcation for Loki for the entire movie and that may make this the best movie ever.


No for real. It’s a thing.


My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 – Sigh….

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice – I know I’ve been kind of/incredibly cynical about this movie but now that its here I’m ready to try and put aside my concerns and hopefully just enjoy what happens on the screen. Look, this won’t be a great movie, but that doesn’t mean I can’t sit down and enjoy the parts of it that are good right?? The biggest problem with Batman v Superman (aside from the fact that it’s ‘vs.’) is that the Internet (myself included) has had two years to find things not to like about it. Granted, there have been some VERY poor decisions made by the promoters of it, but I think it’s time to set aside our past, and give Batman v Superman a chance to be good. Batfleck forever!!


It’s okay Batman… I forgive you.


So there you go guys! The cinema returns!! Dinner and a movie dates can come back!! Be at peace my inter-children!! Be at peace.