Internet!! It’s been so long since last we spoke! So long since we sat down, stared deep into the crystal ball, and saw what movies were coming out next month! So pull up a chair, grab a Dixie cup of water, and let’s tell some fortunes!!
Oh boy… oh no… Guys this… this is not good.
Micah’s Psychic Movie Corner: April 2017
Oh yeah I forgot to tell you… we changed the name of this series. Micah’s Psychic Movie Corner tested WAY better than whatever it was call before… that I do not remember.
What were we talking about? Oh yeah: the not goodness. Guys April’s lookin’ REAL bleak… like it’s not a January/February/Jafbruary problem where it’s a ton of bad movies coming out… there just aren’t any movies… at all. Like they don’t look bad, they don’t look good they just look… like they kind of exist. For some reason. Anyway, here are the four movies I found that were worth talking about, suffice to say the biggest prediction of Micah’s Psychic Movie Corner is: You will find yourself with extra money, after not going to the movies much.
Colossal – This movie stars Anne Hathaway as a woman with a mysterious psychic connection to a giant Godzilla-esque monster. I mean it’s a very interesting idea I’ll give it that. The trailers look interesting but… I’m just not sure if this is a whole movies worth of interesting. If this was like a ten minutes YouTube video I’d be all in but… 2 hours of “isn’t it weird how when I move the monster moves” could get old fast. If it gets good reviews I will definitely see it but… I’ll be a little surprised if it gets good reviews.
Smurfs: The Lost Village – Hey all you Smurf fans, look! It’s a new smurf movie!! What’s that? What do you mean the last remaining smurf fans were heartlessly betrayed by the last two horrible smurf movies and are now less trusting of this franchise than I am of whatever wizardly process turns almonds into “milk?” Look, I’m not saying this won’t be an okay kids movie but I am definitely saying that it won’t be a good movie. It will probably serve to distract your children for an hour and a half while they laugh at low hanging fruit jokes and are mesmerized by fancy blue colors but… this isn’t gonna be Inside Out or anything even vaguely Inside Out adjacent.
The Fate of the Furious
Everytime a commercial comes on for The Fate of the Furious me and my wife punch my TV. It’s getting very expensive. But not nearly as expensive as the add campaign for F8 of F8rious. I mean I’m pretty sure they’ve infiltrated every form of media known to man at this point with the stunning fact that Vin Diesel BETRAYED HIS FAMILY!! Despite the fact that he definitely didn’t do that, and will undoubtedly betray whoever he BETRAYED HIS FAMILY for. He’s Vin Diesel. If you have made it be some of the other members of the family I could have at least pretended to buy in but there’s no way Vin Diesel would growl his growly lines for a single growl if his character had actually BETRAYED HIS FAMILY. Anyway, I’ve watched like… most of this franchise… I think. At some point they all start blending together. I don’t even think Vin Diesel knows what happened in any one movie at this point. Regardless, we have two more weeks of commercials left before this movie comes out and then we get like a month off before the commercials start for The Fast and the Fninerious or whatever we’ll call that version of this never ending car homicide series.
The Lost City of Z
Look guys, I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know that much about this movie. It’s not a zombie movie though… I’m pretty sure, so that’s one bullet dodged anyway. This was literally the only other even vaguely interesting looking thing that came out in April so… here’s a plot synopsis. An explorer in the AmaZon finds a city and he explores it. Yay? Look it’s Charlie Hunman who people like and it’s an Amazon original movie that’s based on a true story so… I mean it’ll probably be good right? Amazons last movie “Manchester by the Sea” AKA “Life Sucks and Everyone Sucks and It Sucks To Be You” won like… all the awards so… it’s probably gonna be good? I mean nothing else will be for the rest of the month, so we better hope it is!
And there you go guys, a sparse look at a VERY sparse month. Like I couldn’t find a movie that came out after April 14th that I even a little bit cared about. Hang in there though, cause May is coming. And May will save us all!
Oh also, while you’re not going to the movies, why not use your spare time to catch up on my sweet awesome podcast of awesomeness!! Check it out here http://www.thepsv.podbean.com