Well hey Internet, and welcome back to the magical, fun-time, goodness parade that is Thoughts We Might Have Had. After Tuesdays terrible, horrible tragedy in which I wrote a golden and beautiful piece of classic American literature and then it was lost forever to the internet, to me. To all of us. We all lost something that day, a little part of all of us was gone away forever. And yet we survived, and here I am to do my part, to struggle to walk along side you and lift you up, where you belong. By re-writing the post. Word for probably not at all the same word. You’re welcome.
Micah Retro-Reviews: The Indiana Jones Franchise
Okay so, I’m not gonna talk about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. First off: Cause I FAR prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist. And secondly: I already went on a very angry rant about it a few days ago and I only have so much vitriol I can direct towards this pile of on fire garbage. This horrendous accident of a movie that was culled from the deepest, darkest pits of our human imagination. Hey, look I did have more vitriol left! Anyway:
Indiana Jones and the… Oh yeah, sorry, it’s not technically called that…
The Raiders of the Lost Ark
So the Raiders of the Lost Ark starts with our handsome, cool hat wearing hero attempting to steal a small and VERY ugly golden statue from a cave. He successfully does this but is than confronted by a less handsome man, in a less cool hat who steals the statue from him BUT because he is less handsome than our handsome person, this is regarded as a very villainous thing to do. Oh also, he does try to kill Indiana Jones… so that’s a pretty legitimately evil thing to do.
Upon returning home Indiana is informed that Nazi’s are trying to find the Ark of the Covenant and to get them not to steal the Ark of the Covenant he’s going to have to go and find the second most annoying person on Earth!! A person who will forever be a horrible blight on what is an otherwise very good movie, and who will yell “Indy” in a high annoying voice more than anyone should be legally allowed to yell it. Which, if you’re Indiana Jones why on Earth do you let anyone call you “Indy” that’s a terrible nickname!! That’s like people calling Anakin Skywalker “Annie,” holy cow does George Lucas not understand how nicknames work?? Does he really want people to call him “Georgy” and was never sure how to ask, so he created to characters with great names but HORRIBLE nicknames?? Someone try calling him Georgy and let me know how many millions of dollars he gives you. Anyway if, your name is Indiana Frickin’ Jones, you’re not gonna let people call you “Indy,” you’re going to make them call you Indiana or (at the very least) Frickin’ Jones, right? Anyway, Indiana finds the ark but the Nazi’s get it first and they open it which leads us to:
The Gross Out Moment: A time honored tradition in Indiana Jones movies is that one moment where something genuinely terrifying happens to the villain and Raiders of the Lost Ark has what is by far my favorite one of these moments when a Nazi-mans first turns into Play-dough and he literally just sort of melts into nothing. If this movie were made today it would be all CGI and good looking and boring, but because this was the 80’s I’m pretty sure they actually just stuck some play-dough in a microwave and filmed it. It’s wonderful and disgusting but it’s not really realistic enough to make you feel bad about enjoying the grossness. It’s the ultimate 80’s effect.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
The Temple of Doom is a sneaky horrible movie. People think about the Indiana Jones Trilogy and they think “man those three movies are great” when what they really mean are “two of those three movies are great, and one is just sort of forgivably bad.”
The Temple of Doom opens with a fight scene that I’m pretty sure lasted about four hours and I’m very sure it served ZERO purpose in the overall narrative. The crime boss Indiana is after gets away and is never ever heard from again and then I guess he’s the guy who sabotages Jones’ plan but even then, the movie could have just opened with a plane crash and tehn maybe we could have been spared two of the worst sidekicks ever to kick a side. There’s Short Round who isn’t terrible, he’s just not funny and a VERY VERY racist stereotype. It was the 80’s so we kind of just glaze over it but… Short Round is very offensive. Very. But he is nothing compared to the horrible pile of human shaped lint that is ‘Willie’ Indiana’s love interest and literally the single most annoying human shaped object ever discovered by mankind.
Aside from these two terrible scripting decisions, Temple of Doom just… it’s ‘meh’ at best. I mean the scene with the mining carts is kinda fun, but it doesn’t make up for the VERY not fun torture sessions or the super unfortunate ending sequence where the main villain is killed by not being able to hold onto a bridge. It’s still a fine movie but the things that make it terrible are probably right about equal with the things that make it great.
The Gross Out Moment: The heart rip-out section (much like the rest of movie) leaves me with mixed emotions. I mean, it’s certainly gross and disturbing, but it never gets to the campy sort of fun play-dough death that Raiders had. It’s just gross and disconcerting and… that dude rips out a heart.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
As far as I’m concerned: this is by the far the best Indiana Jones movie. I mean I’m a big Raiders fan but this movie replaces the annoying lady sidekick with Sean Connery and if that’s not an upgrade I don’t know what is. The storyline is great, the action is fun, there’s not weird torture sections, and it’s probably the only movie where Indiana Jones goes through any actual character development.
I’m not gonna say a ton more about the Last Crusade cause it’s awesome and perfect and because I’m over 1000 words and I’m sure you have children, or a TV to watch or something, but suffice to say: this is apex Indiana.
The Gross Out moment: That dude drinks from the wrong cup and then just… just goes up in literal smoke. I mean this REALLY freaked me out as a kid to the point where I was always VERY suspicious of drinking out of unfamiliar glasses. I always suspected my brother would try and take me out via cursed cup. It’s probably the most disturbing of the three gross outs but it’s at least back to being sort of campy and weird and not just some dude ripping some other dudes vital organs out.
And there you have it guys! Me reviewing all three Indiana Jones movies!! Twice in fact… which seems very excessive. I’ll see you next week!