Best of the Worst: Jurassic Park vs. Indiana Jones

Posted: February 2, 2017 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , ,

Well Internet, we made it to February. Half way through the messy drain pipe of terror that is the January/February movie landscape. We’re not quite out of the dark yet, and we can’t quite see the light at the end of the tunnel but we can now feel the cool slightly less horrible air blowing against our faces, and while that may not be much… it is something. So take heart, take hope, and take another entry in my thrilling comparison series:

Best of the Worst: Jurassic Park vs. Indiana Jones

For those of you who missed our inaugural episode in this series we compare the best and the worst of popular franchises and conclude which one is the absolute worst. So let’s start with the big puffy animatronics that made up…

Jurassic Park 3: Poor Decision Making

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Jurassic Park: One Long Dinosaur Buffet

 

Okay so most people would say this comes down to an argument between Jurassic Park 2 and Jurassic Park 3. Now, I will 1000% agree with you that Jurassic Park 2 completely falls apart in the 3rd act (T-rex in California and apparently no one notices or overly cares? Really???) But the rest of Jurassic Park 2 is actually not that bad AND has lots and lots of America’s favorite 90’s science person: Jeff Goldbloom. The characters were fine, the plot was pretty good and the obligatory, Jurassic Park small child l was only kind of annoying.  Why do Dinosaurs want to eat small children so much Jurassic Park?? Isn’t that like having a fun size candy bar and a full size candy bar and constantly choosing the fun size bar??? No wonder they went extinct.

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On my yet unpublished list of most edible parents those two are VERY close to the top… that said I should probably not publish that list huh?

 

Anyway, two is about 2/3rds of a good movie. 3 is basically none thirds. The children are VERY annoying. The parents of the missing children are somehow more annoying and every three minutes someone makes a startlingly stupid decision. The lead idiot in this particular idiot buffet though is the Mom of the missing child who routinely wanders off into the dinosaur infested jungle screaming at the top of her lungs just WAITING for something to come along and turn her into a momkebab. And the worst part is nothing ever does!! She survives. If you have dinosaurs in a movie the least you can have them do is eat the annoying characters. So for annoying moms, and no annoying mom shaped snacks: Jurassic Park 3 is the worst Jurassic Park movie.

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Take solace in this picture of a good Indiana Jones movie… it’s about to get real rough.

 

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Ugh… I hate this movie so much. I hate the plot, the giant CGI ants, the fact that Indiana Jones survives an atomic blast by hiding in a fridge, I hate that it happened in that 6 month period where we thought Shia Labeuf was a marketable movie star, but more than anything I hate the sad, dead look in Harrison Ford’s eyes throughout this movie. I mean, very seriously, the thing I learned the most from Force Awakens is that Harrison Ford can actually still act! After Crystal Skull I had just assumed his tank was VERY empty but it turns out he just knew he was in a terrible movie that would leave a dark stain on an otherwise solid franchise (I’m gonna awkwardly ignore the fact that Temple of Doom was (at best) only passably fine.)

Plus at the end of this movie the treasure turns out to be ‘Knowledge’ and then a FREEKIN’ SPACE SHIP flies off into space!! I mean… just why? Why would you do that?? Why would you think to yourself: you know what would make a good ending to Indiana Jones?? How about a spaceship and Shia Labeauf a guy who will be well regarded for about another week before we all realize Transformers is terrible and he is (very VERY literally) a crazy person. It’s just depressing.

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The fact that this is a real picture just makes me sad.

 

Well… I don’t feel like this one was as close as I thought it was gonna be guys… I mean yes, JP3 was very bad, and had some very annoying characters who (in a crazy departure for the franchise) were not even a little bit turned into Dino-chow. But Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was just awful and terrible and sad. It made me sad. And that’s really not what Indiana Jones movies should do.

Well guys, thanks for reading! Have some comparisons you want me to do?? Well post in the comments or shoot an e-mail to Thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com I’ll probably do a reader mailbag next week so keep those questions coming!

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