Hello Internet, so I’m (once again) all locked and loaded and full of sickness upon this night. I’m like the worlds worst Panini. Just a buch of germs crammed into a bread… for some reason. Anyway, given the fact that I am riddled with disease, I’m gonna punch that old, worn button near the command console and crank out a quick box office top ten, before collapsing into my bed and (for lack of a better word) dying.
Box Office Top Ten 1/26/2017
Number 10: The Bye Bye Man
Something something: it’s a horror movie. It’s being released in January. That’s all you really need to know about this. Horror is a VERY hit and miss genre and January is where Hollywood hides its misses. And speaking of misses:
Number 9: Sleepless
Jamie Foxx stars as Liam Neeson from Taken, in a movie called Sleepless that has no plot, tons of violence, and no reason to exist.
Number 8: Patriots Day
Mark Wahlberg stars in this based on a true story movie about the Patriots day bombing in Boston. By all accounts it’s a good(albeit very cliché)’based on a true story’ movie. This is the second one of these movies Mark Wahlberg has starred in over the last 6 months which leads to the question: Does Hollywood think Mark Wahlberg is what real people look like?? Cause I’ve got news for you Hollywood… it isn’t. I mean he could definitely play me in my life story, cause we look VERY similar. I assure you. But the average, unattractive, pizza repositories of the masses?? Not so much.
Number 7: Monster Trucks
Literally the laziest idea possible for a movie. Like a 4 year old scribbled onto his dads idea notebook “Trucks+monster??” And that’s what his dad pitched. And somehow this became a movie.
Number 6: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Look, if you haven’t seen Rogue One yet… what are you doing? Who are you??? Why do you read this blog wherein I talk about virtually nothing BUT Star Wars??
Number 5: La La Land
So I think we can officially say La La Land is a real good movie, and not just an “Oscar nominated” movie. Great cast, awesome music, if you happen to live near one of the 5 theaters La La Land is playing at you should totally check it out.
Number 4: Sing
This is the only real kids movie in theaters at this point and it is (in the words of Socrates) totally fine.
Number 3: Hidden Figures
Actually, this is probably the best movie on this particular list that hasn’t already been in theaters a while. Great cast, good storyline, it’s even (dare we say it) culturally relevant. If you’re in the mood for a more thinky film this is the one I recommend.
Number 2: xXx: Return of Xander Cage
Look, this movie is exactly what we thought it would be: dumb fun. With a little bit more dumb, than fun. It’s still fun… but it’s real dumb. Just be aware of that.
Number 1: Split
Look… Split is not a good movie. It’s about 2/3rds of a good movie, but in typical M. Night Shamalon fashion (yes I know I misspelled his name, no I do not care.) He’s gotten all the ingredients together for a good movie, but hasn’t actually made one. Now, it’s worth mentioning that James McAvoy turns in a fantastic performance here and that alone is reason enough to watch this but… the last act of this movie just kinda falls apart. It’s not a bad movie, but it’s not a good movie. It’s a movie with a LOT of potential, and a great performance by the only cast member who really matters, but it does stumble across the finish line more than a little bit.
And there you have it friends: that done. I shall be returning to my cavern now. Fare thee well.