Well hey Internet, and welcome to a brand new series I’m gonna try out called: Best of the Worst! But you probably had gathered that already from the large bold type font at the top of this page. But what does that really mean? What do I mean?? What do you mean?? What does anything really mean?? Well we’ll see about the other questions later, for now let’s just focus on Best of the Worst. Essentially I’m gonna grab the two worst entries in a franchise and try and find out which one is worse. And what two better franchises to start with than those two most beloved series: Star Wars and Star Trek.
Star Wars: Episode 2 Attack of the Clones
It was a close, vicious contest for the bottom spot between Episodes 1 and 2. Episode 1 has a long, slow plot, annoying Anakin Skywalker, and (of course) a heaping helping of Jar-Jar Binks. It’s a bad (slightly racist) movie FILLED with nonsense. The entire middle section of the film is just people walking around, speculating about prophecies, and holding VERY lengthy anticlimactic races. But it does have Liam Neeson, and Darth Maul, and what might be the best lightsaber fight in the history of the franchise. So there was at least something positive to come out of this, right? Whereas Episode 2 is just… just terrible. Hayden Christenson and Natalie Portman turn in what is probably the single worst couple pairing in the history of couples. The lightsaber fights are bad and filled with CGI nonsense. The only even somewhat redeemable factor in this movie is Ewan MacGreggor who turns in a great performance but he really doesn’t have anything to do other than talk to CGI floating heads about characters we’ve never heard of before doing these we don’t care about. And so, Episode 2 takes the top spot as the worst Star Wars movie, but who will stand against it? What possible nightmarish stupidity from the stars could hope to rival the putrid junkpile of horror that is Episode 2: Attack of the Dialogue? Well…
Star Trek: Nemesis
Oh boy… so look: there have been some very bad Star Trek movies over the years. There was the one where Spock and Kirk went and talked to “God” somehow? A movie that opened with the characters literally singing “Row Row Row your boat.” Then there was the one (or two) where literally an entire movie happened and yet at no point did any action actually occur. But Nemesis takes the cake on this one just because the whole thing just felt… tired. The script was bad, the plot was stupid, the characters were not only poorly done but just sort of… not the characters. They were just these people who existed in the same space as the characters we knew but they weren’t really them. Almost like the director of the movie would go on to repeatedly admit that HE DIDN’T LIKE STAR TREK.
Which I would call fairly important to the process! I mean I think Patrick Stuart is basically the perfect actor created in the perfect British actor factory but the part of the movie where he starts dual wielding phasers like he’s John Frickin’ Wayne is probably the least believable thing in the entire movie and it’s a movie that happens in space!
So which is worse, though? Attack of the Clones features hack writing and terrible acting but it does at least feel like it belongs in the franchise right?? I mean it’s bad, but it at least feels like a Star Wars movie. Star Trek Nemesis just feels like a movie a bunch of people snuck onto the set of Star Trek and made while no one was watching. I mean, Star Trek Nemesis was so bad it basically killed the entire franchise for 7 years… at least Attack of the Clones was followed by the better (mostly) Revenge of the Sith.
And so it is, with grimm resignation, that I actually say something positive about Attack of the Clones: it wasn’t as bad as Star Trek Nemesis. May I never EVER have to do that again.