Jefbruary Movie Preview 2017

Posted: January 19, 2017 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , , ,

Well hello Interfans and welcome to a time honored January/February tradition. The Jefbruary preview. Jefbruary is a desolate time at movie theaters across the country, a time where the studios abandon us, clean out their garbage cans, and dump them all over cinema screens across America. And so, let us take a minute and pick through this garbage, to find the garbagiest garbage we can get our grimy hands on shall we?? That sounds like… fun??

The Jefbruary Movie Preview

(in all fairness we got a little behind so some of these will be reviews, like (for instance)

Monster Trucks –

How exactly did this movie even get made? Did a movie studio have to make ten movies in a year and then got to the end of the year and realized suddenly they only had 9 movies? So there were like “Okay umm… We’ll get the least interesting actor we can find, and then put him in a movie that we’ll call… Monster Trucks!!… But then just so we don’t have to find any actual monster trucks we’ll make it a play on words because they’ll be an actual monster IN the truck!!” And then for some reason everyone in the office thought that was an idea that would make money. Somehow.

mtrucks

And someone, somewhere thought: Oh yeah… that’s a movie!

 

Underworld 5: Even More Underworld… Somehow.

Look… this is a bad movie. Probably a VERY bad movie that, frankly, I don’t know why they made. That said: I will 100% watch this. Eventually. I won’t pay ten dollars to watch it mind you, but I will absolutely watch it. Why you ask?? Well… cause I’ve seen every other movie in this series and at this point it’s all just Stockholme syndrome. So might as well lean into it right? That seems healthy.

Okay let’s get back to the previewing shall we:

January 20th

xXx: Return of Xander Cage

I think we should just call this movie what it is: xXx: Fast and Furious, but with Stunts. You wanna know the weirdest thing about xXx: The Return of Stuntman Sam?? It’s actually gotten decent reviews. Not like… good reviews. But not terrible reviews… shouldn’t this be getting terrible reviews? Shouldn’t reviewers be questioning why they do what they do after seeing this? Shouldn’t they be questioning why they are even human?!?! I don’t understand it… Nothing makes sense.

cage

I’m confused about the fire tattoo on his sternum… does that symbolize his acid reflux?

 

January 27th

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Speaking of series that keep happening no matter what we do… Resident Evil. But, is this really the Final Chapter?? Will Hollywood finally realize that no one cares about this franchise? Will Hollywood sit down and really ask themselves if this is art?? If what they’re making is really want they want to make for them? For their children to inherit? No. Definitely not.

A Dog’s Purpose

I don’t… I don’t even understand what’s going on with this movie. It’s got… dog reincarnation???? Why? Why does it exist?

dogs

This dogs eyes are mesmerizing.

 

February 3rd

The Comedian

I don’t want to say anything bad about Robert De Niro but… when we get to the end of the year… this may be one of the worst movies. It’s VERY bad. Very. Bad.

February 10th

The Lego Batman Movie

Yeah… this’ll probably be pretty good… kinda ruinin’ my metric here B-man.

Fifty Shades Darker

Nothing like a bad sequel to a terrible movie based on a poorly written book series!! It’s the trifecta of terrible!!

February 17th

The Great Wall

I’m glad February will get its own poorly scripted action movie that might be sort of interesting. Last year’s version of this was gods of Egypt and that ended up being VERY terrible. So it’s a fifty/fifty here whether the action of the movie is outweighed by the dumbness of the scripting. It won’t be very good, but it might be kinda good… or very bad.

great-wall-2017-2

It’s a better than average poster at least.

 

February 24th

Rock Dog

I have no words as to how tired and exhausted this movie looks. They even cast Luke Wilson in the lead. Luke Wilson!! They couldn’t even get Owen Wilson!! Owen. Wilson. They didn’t get him for this movie about a Dog who plays rock n’ roll which they named: Rock Dog. Rock Dog. Thanks February.

rock_dog

Possibly the most generic single picture that was ever taken.

And there you go guys… gonna be a dark month. On the plus side Logan comes out March 2nd so… there is hope.

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