Internet, we have arrived. Arrived at that final longing look back at 2016 wherein we cast ourselves off from the shores of the old year, look back, and realize that maybe those weren’t the best shores after all. Maybe those shores we’re covered in jagged rocks and the tired faces of sad actors. Maybe we’re better off heading into 2017 after all!

Micah’s Bottom 10 Movies of 2016

Per usual I’ve decided my bottom 10 into two groups of 5. The worst 5 movies I physically saw with my face-eyes, and the worst 5 movies that were thrown at humanity in general. I don’t generally seek out bad movies so my list is mostly movies that were disappointing or didn’t live up to there potential, whereas the other bottom five are… well they’re real bad.

Micah’s 5 Worst Movie Decisions of 2016

  1. Passengers

Slinking in just under the bar is Passengers. A movie that wasted a decent story idea and a great cast, in favor of some genuinely disturbing plot twists and a cliché ending. The saddest thing about Passengers is that it’s about 90% of a good movie, but the 10% that is not good is VERY not good. Passengers is the movie equivalent of getting a delicious steak dinner from a 5 Star restaurant with a dead rat stapled to the bottom of your steak. It’s still a good steak but… probably don’t eat that.

  1. Jason Bourne

There’s nothing egregiously wrong with Jason Bourne (A Jason Bourne Story) but there’s also definitely nothing right with it. Jason Bourne (A Movie from the Jason J. Bourne series) does the absolute minimum number of required things to call itself an action movie and then that’s it. It leaves. It’s a movie that is perfectly encapsulated by its title. Unimaginative, cursory, obligatory, and (of course) Jason Bourne (Keep on Bourning.)

jason-bourne-2016-trailer-banner-matt-damon

Cause we told you his name. It’s the movies name… You know his name right?

 

  1. Suicide Squad

I done got hoodwinked on this one guys. I thought this would be the DC movie that finally showed us that DC knew how to make movies… and boy was I wrong. In fact, if anything I feel like this movie showed exactly why DC doesn’t know how to make a good movie. Cause somewhere deep DEEP down in the past of the Suicide Squad, I really believe it was a great movie. All the parts of a great movie are here, the cast is good, the characters are interesting, Will Smith and Margot Robbie are well cast and do their absolute best but in the end you can feel that good movie get buried under re-shoots, script revisions, and just general hand wringing as DC tried to make what could have been a fun under the radar side movie, into a full blown franchise flagship. It (to quote the Hobbit) a bit of butter scraped over too much bread. It turned Will Smith into just a means of expressing tired dialogue, Margot Robbie into nothing more than a walking advertisement for short shorts, and really just made me depressed that this thing wasn’t better. And don’t even get me started on The Enchantress constantly looking like she was in desperate need of a hoola hoop, or the fact that Captain Boomerang doesn’t actually use boomerangs at all or… nevermind. Suicide Squad was really bad guys. And it didn’t have to be.

  1. X-men: Apocalypse

It never really felt like anyone involved in X-men: Apocalypse wanted to be there. The actors just sort of mumbled their way through their lines, the script badly needed to be edited several more times, and even the fight scenes ended up just being a bunch of CGI whirling around followed by people making faces as they summoned various and unexplained aspects of their powers. It was like the whole movie was written and produced exclusively from 2-4 in the morning. Everyone just looked tired and uninterested and like they literally wanted to be anywhere but being involved with yet another X-men movie about being an X-man and how it doesn’t matter how many people Magneto kills as long as he’s sorry for it by the end of the movie. I spent the entirety of X-men: Apocalypse waiting for something to happen to make me care, and that never ever happened.

X-Men-Apocalypse

These bored people, would like to tell you a boring story.

 

  1. Batman V. Superman

Look, I know there are some people out there who really liked Batman V. Superman and I get that. I do. But this whole movie just fell apart for me from the get go. The whole thing was just a series of bad decisions, poor writing, and characters acting like idiots. The actual Batman V. Superman section was short and ended in probably the single worst bit of character reversal I’ve ever seen in my life. Lex Luthor was just a sad, miserable impression of someone doing a bad joker impression (hi Jared Leto.) The whole film was a mess and at least the other messes on this list had some interesting sections to them.

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This terrible character would like to stumble through an incoherent story!

 

Ugh… well that was unpleasant wasn’t it? It’s like if someone went back and showed you the five worst pictures anyone had ever taken of you. Bleh. But now we get to go to the fun part of the blog where we look at 5 really REALLY bad pictures, that I wasn’t in!! (Admittedly the metaphor breaks down some.

The Hollywood What Hath Thou Wrought Bottom 5

5: Alice Through the Looking Glass

What better way to start off our list than an unnecessary, un-asked for sequel to a movie that was (at its best) fine. Alice Through the Looking Glass was a movie that no one watched, no one cared about, and no one wanted. You get the feeling Disney made and released this movie just to prove that they could sometimes make a bad movie. Or maybe they’ve got a group of people on staff that they don’t want to fire but who also shouldn’t be allowed near any of the good Disney properties so they were like “And umm… you guys… make Alice in Wonderland 2!! For reasons…”

alice-through-the-looking-glass-poster-alice

You will never sympathize with a butterflies desire to leave a place, like you will sympathize with this butterflies desire to leave this movie.

 

  1. Zoolander 2

Speaking of unimaginative, unnecessary sequels how about Zoolander 2!! The sequel to a movie that literally just sort of went back and did the exact same story again without even really bothering to hide that fact. Same characters, same recurring jokes, same basic plot. If someone played the first ten minutes of Zoolander 2, and then spliced in Zoolander 1 there’s at least a decent chance most people wouldn’t notice and a VERY good chance the movie itself would be better.

  1. Nine Lives

Look, we all suspected a little bit that this movie would suck. I mean the old “businessman gets turned into a pet and learns about his family and life and things” has been done A LOT before and it’s never really worked out all that well has it? There was at least a chance Kevin Spacey could turn this around but boy did he not do that. Nine lives is very VERY bad. Very bad.

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This is not a picture from  9 Lives… I wouldn’t do that to you guys.

 

  1. Mother’s Day

The latest in a long line of movies loosely based around holidays that feature an “all-star” cast of people and zero actual plot. Who keeps making these movies??? What studio keeps saying, “well it hasn’t worked the last five times we tried to do this, but THIS sad script and ensamble cast of slightly out of fashion stars will DEFINITELY work!!”

  1. Norm of the North

Traditionally here on Thoughts We Might Have Had we save this top spot for Adam Sandler or (when Sandler’s not around) his friends. With Sandler hiding his “light” under a bushel over at Netflix, I’m sure he’d be happy to know Rob Schneider stepped into the gap with a movie that received a whopping 9% from Rotten Tomatoes and heavily featured a Polar Bear… twerking. And on that horrible, horrendous note, let’s wave goodbye forever to 2016. May we never darken its island again.

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